


A Compact of Human Behavior

by Zhallanna



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Angst, Anticipation, Biotics (Mass Effect), Control, Destroy Ending, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, Flashbacks, Fluff, Light BDSM, M/M, Male Love, Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, Masturbation, Non-Linear Narrative, Porn with Feelings, Post-Mass Effect 3, Reflection, Repressed Feelings, Requited Unrequited Love, Revenge, Sacrifice, Shirtless, Slow Burn, Sparring, mShenko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:55:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 60
Words: 111,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26763931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zhallanna/pseuds/Zhallanna
Summary: Thane Krios runs into Kaidan Alenko at Huerta Memorial Hospital. One is there to slowly die. The other is there to slowly recover. Their one link in this messed up galaxy is Commander John Shepard. Eventually they meet, talk and strike up a unique bargain which will change all of their lives for the better.NOTE: The BDSM portions of this work are relatively tame with most of them centered around the first few chapters. This was done to collaborate with Kinktober 2020 initially but then the story took on a life of its own.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Thane Krios, Thane Krios & Male Shepard
Comments: 21
Kudos: 34





	1. A Change in the Breeze

**Author's Note:**

> Thane’s characterization in this is partially inspired by ro_shepard’s version of him (he’s a bit of a Dom with Shepard in some of her stories) so decided to branch off that and implement it into his interactions with Kaidan while they’re both at Huerta during Mass Effect 3. Also in previous drafts of Mass Effect 2, Thane was meant to be bisexual. I decided to make him bi-curious at least with this.

Thane sat back in his chair, resting his half-open book along his knee. He managed to take one long breath which his torso was not happy with. His face contorted into a grimace as both sets of eyelids slowly closed. It was getting harder and harder each day to enjoy something so simple, and yet all he could do now was wait for the inevitable.

Green scaled fingers folded on top of his book as eyelids reopened. The view of the Citadel was always peaceful from Huerta. Certainly that was on purpose to keep the patients as “comfortable” as possible. Thane hated feeling this way. He had lived his life so long as an assassin that being anything else felt so… contradictory.

Even Irikah somehow knew that family life didn’t suit him, and that decision had haunted Thane ever since he discovered his condition. But thanks to Shepard, his relationship with Kolyat had been mostly restored and they’d been on good terms in the past couple of months since the boy had completed his community service for C-Sec.

Commander Shepard.

The man had something about him. The Commander had managed to assemble a dozen people who by normal means should not have been able to work together and made it all possible. Shepard just had a presence that made you trust him. Thane normally wasn’t attracted to human males, but something about the man had the drell… intrigued? It was difficult to describe.

The calm peace of the patient lounge was suddenly rocked as medical staff rushed past carrying a stretcher with what looked to be another human male. Thane strained his head to catch a better glimpse but they rushed past at top speed, apparently to take the man to surgery. All the assassin could surmise in the 5 seconds between each doorway was that the man was in bright blue battle armor and that he was unconscious.

Thane slowly rose from his chair and tucked the leather-bound book inside his jacket pocket. He kept his breaths more shallow as he leaned against the window and closed his eyes once more. It was then that he heard not one, but two familiar voices in the room.

The first was the British lilt of Dr. Chakwas. How long she’d been at the hospital, the drell was not aware. A day? A week? Regardless she had her usual charming yet impetuous demeanor as she spoke to another figure standing next to her. The voice was that of a human male. Someone the Doctor was familiar with by their hushed tones. Thane knew that voice before he could even see who it belonged to.

Shepard’s piercing blue eyes slowly turned from Chakwas toward the Impatient Wing. He nodded once more to the older woman before turning to head back there. The assassin could see that the Commander was no longer wearing the black, white and gold of Cerberus but instead the black, white and blue of an Alliance soldier.

Thane let out a soft ‘hmmph’ from his parted lips as he followed Shepard’s form stepping through the door. At least that may explain the unanswered messages he’d sent. He figured he’d ask later when the first human Spectre wasn’t busy… if that was possible at all.

Besides it was about time for the drell’s next physical therapy session. He rolled his neck slowly and then took long strides towards the PT gym and face yet another hour of excruciating pain.

\----------------------------

2 days passed before Thane realized he should probably make one more attempt to contact the Commander. No video this time. Just an email. Maybe that would have a much better chance of getting through.

_ I’m at Huerta Memorial Hospital under the name Tannor Nuara. Please excuse the moniker ad this email’s encryption—in my line of work, it is unwise to advertise my location, particularly when I am not in good health. _

He tapped a few more lines before sending it off to Shepard’s last known email address and handing the datapad back to a passing nurse. He didn’t want his own as it would be too easily tracked, so instead settled on using the pads that the hospital provided for patients. They were frequently scrubbed so he had less worry about being discovered.

The drell slowly pushed himself to his feet and decided to take a stroll towards the Impatient Wing for a change of scenery. The doors brushed open and Thane stepped inside while placing his hands together behind his back. Green eyes panned left and then right as he spotted a few new additions to the wing. A quarian was getting the arm of her suit patched up. A salarian arguing with a nurse about how cold it was back here. It wasn’t much but it put the assassin’s mind at ease.

Finally his gaze settled upon the single patient room on the right. He spotted a lone occupant laying in the bed… strangely shirtless and head turned towards the window. Thane had only seen one other human male without a shirt before this. Jacob had a habit of stepping out of the men’s restroom on the Normandy without his shirt. He probably liked the stares from the female crew since his dark skin would still be glistening after his daily shower as he waltzed down the hall towards the elevator.

Thane watched the human male laying there and slowly walked closer. The man had an array of dark bruises on his face and shoulders. His chest and stomach was dusted with a fine layer of hair. Both of Thane’s eyelids slowly blinked as he stopped near the edge of the door… simply watching that chest slowly rise and fall with the man’s breath.

He thought that the human male was sleeping until suddenly he saw something he didn’t expect. Slowly, carefully he watched as a hand moved at a snail’s pace down along that muscled stomach and dipped below the dark grey blanket.

Interesting. So interesting that Thane’s curiosity forced him to look around and then carefully slide his slim frame past the doors inside the room.

He saw more clearly the human male’s injuries and body hair. There was also thin, dark hair on his lower arms and the hair on his head was much thicker with tight curls pulled back and up by some sort of stiff gel. Some grey was showing at his temples and his eyelashes fluttered as his eyes remained closed.

The hand tucked beneath the blanket slowly began to move. First it slid down and out… then slowly up and down. If drell could blush, Thane would probably be doing so right this moment. Instead he managed to carefully lick his lips and silently moved a hand to the button for the room’s drapes.

No one else needed to see this. The man deserved his privacy with such an intimate moment.

Except the assassin couldn’t make himself leave the room either. After a few more moments he carefully padded around so his back was towards the window. The movements of the man’s hand were quickening underneath the fabric… as was his breathing. The blanket slowly fell down and then Thane could clearly see calloused fingers gliding up and down along the length of the man’s cock.

His lips parted to emit a quiet moan and then teeth bit along his lower lip as his strokes quickened. While the drell had seen human male genitalia in diagrams and photographs, this is was his first experience seeing such in a fashion such as this. He was transfixed on the hand moving back and forth… occasionally squeezing and rolling over the top as slick liquid formed at the head.

The assassin made no attempt to make his presence known as he continued to watch. Was he… aroused? Hard to say. This was a whole new experience for him. A better description would be that this made Thane incredibly curious.

And then he heard the human male speak. One simple two-syllable word with a voice that was husky like a faraway thunderbolt and yet as soft as a feather.

“Shepard…”

The drell’s eyes went wide as the man soon sped up his motions and fingers gripped his cock even tighter. Soon his hips shifted up off the bed and a milky streak of come shot forth and hit his stomach. He trembled a few more moments and then started wiping his stomach with the blanket. He didn’t even open his eyes as his fingers pulled his underwear back up and the blanket soon after.

Thane’s body was frozen as he soon realized who this man was...

Kaidan Alenko. The man from Horizon. The man who had been a part of the Normandy’s original crew.

Now the drell had just watched this same man lay there and fantasize about their Commander. Intriguing.

But he had overstayed his welcome and Kaidan need not know that he had been intruding.

Thane silently walked past the foot of the bed and let the drapes up with a finger. He watched with a cocked head for a fleeting moment as a soft smile emblazoned his lips… and then he slowly let himself out.

Huerta Memorial was full of surprises lately…


	2. Temptation Within Solitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan reminisces about Horizon and Mars, only to be joined by an unexpected guest.

Kaidan hated being stuck in this hospital bed.

The last thing he remembered was his head smacking up against the Cerberus shuttle as he heard Shepard cry out from… somewhere.

The next thing he felt was just the sheer amount of cold and nausea as he tried to open his eyes but couldn’t. For once the pain that shot through his whole body drowned out any chance of experiencing another migraine.

Honestly he was tired of being in pain. He was tired of the staff constantly coming into his room to poke and prod him with tests. He was tired of Dr. Michel prodding at his implant and making him drink that horrific… whatever it was.

When the Major finally woken up the only thought he had in his head was where Shepard was. He could have sworn he heard the Commander’s soft baritone voice at some point while he was still unconscious.

_“Don’t die Kaidan… and that’s an order.”_

Tears began to form at the edges of his eyes as he turned on his side facing the window.

Were those words even real? Their interactions on Mars had not exactly been encouraging. Mostly the biotic’s own fault. Why couldn’t he deal with these conflicted feelings that burrowed deep within his chest?

Kaidan still remembered what he said as he lashed out at Shepard on Horizon. Perfect clarity in the words he said while looking at his former Commander straight in the eye.

_“There were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy.”_

The enemy. Cerberus. They had dealt with the organization before. They saw all those twisted experiments and knew there was something terribly wrong. Why would John Shepard do such a thing?

_“Building the defense towers was just a cover story. The Alliance sent you here to investigate me, didn't they?”_

The biotic hadn’t been able to really decipher the Commander’s face when he said that. Confusion? Betrayal? Sadness? All that Kaidan was able to do was focus on was those strange orange scars to keep from screaming with rage at the other man.

_“I was here for Cerberus. You were just a rumor. I wanted to believe you were alive but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me.”_

And yet Kaidan had regretted saying that almost as soon as the words came out of his mouth. It was in that moment that he felt something that he thought was buried deep within him.

And maybe Shepard felt it too. Who knows? If it weren’t for those damned orange scars it would have been nearly undetectable. That last sentence had made the Commander’s face flinch ever so slightly before he eventually made his expression even again.

_“Kaidan. You know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason….”_

Shepard kept speaking, but at this point Kaidan had stopped listening. Eventually he said his goodbyes through gritted teeth and slowly walked away. He needed time to breathe. He needed time to think.

He needed time to understand why he wanted to both hug and punch the Commander at the exact same time.

Then Mars happened.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Those few moments looking into Shepard’s soft blue eyes had the Major doubting himself. Fighting all of those Cerberus troops was exhausting enough even with Liara’s help. Kaidan should have just accepted that the other man was not aligned with them anymore as much as the Commander kept denying it.

And yet the biotic had to go and open his big mouth when they saw the dead trooper.

_"Shepard, I don't know what you are, or who... not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know, you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself."_

And suddenly Kaidan saw that same wince from Horizon, except slightly more pronounced. Shepard was noticeably tense for a moment as if he’d been struck by the largest bullet in the galaxy right to the chest.

_“Kaidan…”_

Those eyes. Those damned blue eyes. Shepard looked at the other man as he spoke as those eyes took on the most forlorn expression that Kaidan had ever seen.

Fuck.

Kaidan shifted a little on the bed and slowly let out a breath.

He closed his eyes and started to pull the stiff blanket on top of him before something seemed to stop him.

A soft voice was heard just above his ear. He could feel just a sliver of breath as it washed across his bruised cheek. But this voice was not familiar. It was a male voice but with an odd rasp to it that was strangely soothing.

“You should never hide yourself, Major…”

That caused his eyes to quickly open and dart around. Unfortunately whomever owned this mystery voice knew how to keep himself out of view. He then felt the blanket being pulled down further with as much care as a parent would do for a scared child.

“Lay on your back,” whispered the disembodied voice from somewhere above his head.

The biotic slowly swallowed and then gritted his teeth as he obeyed. His body carefully scooted from his hip to his back before his thick hair carefully rested on his pillow.

He then felt a gentle brush of something along his left hip. A hand? A finger? The blanket was then gingerly slid down to his thighs and folded neatly.

“Close your eyes,” came the voice again.

Kaidan took another forced breath before doing so. This could easily be just another checkup by one of the staff, but he somehow knew it wasn’t. Regardless he was happy for some company that wasn’t checking his pulse or helping him with a bedpan.

The voice then seemed to be farther away. Its owner was most definitely watching the Major from a distance now, “Do you miss him?”

Kaidan started to flip open his eyes at the question. Him? Him who? The voice then answered with just a tinge of dominance, “I didn’t say you could open your eyes, Major.” There was a few seconds of pause before the man spoke again, “Answer the question.”

Did he mean Shepard? Of course he did. The Commander was the only ‘him’ that this voice could possibly be referring to. All he could do was slowly lick his dried lips and then slowly nod his head.

Another pause. This invisible visitor was no doubt thinking about his next few words. Finally Kaidan felt a breath near the shell of his ear as it whispered, “Show me…”

The biotic swallowed audibly at both the sound and the wisp of air against his skin. It caused his cock to slightly stiffen between his legs despite how much anxiety was also throbbing within his gut.

“Touch yourself like you’d want him to touch you,” came another whisper. This one was purposely said with breath brushing over his stomach, as if this unknown man had somehow aware of Kaidan’s uncertainty.

Despite the bruises, the Major lifted his right arm and then pulled his nipple between the pads of his thumb and forefinger. The two fingers haltingly rolled back and forth as he gasped a breath of air. With eyes still closed, his left hand then raised only enough for it to rest on his torso and lazily slide down through the hair just below his navel. Kaidan arched his hips just enough for calloused fingers to slide below the waistband of his briefs and cause a stifled moan to rise from his chest.

“You want him to make you feel good?”

“Yes…” came Kaidan’s almost breathless response as his fingers gripped his length beneath the tight fabric of his briefs.

He soon felt his briefs tugged down with the gentlest touch past his hips as his cock and fingers currently surrounding it were pulled free. “Never hide yourself, Major,” was repeated with almost the same careful tone as it was said before.

Kaidan bit his lower lip as his right hand then slid across his chest towards his other nipple, giving it a quick tug. His cock was fully hard as his hand climbed up and his thumb roll around the tip.

“Imagine his tongue there. His warm lips kissing between your legs as he wants nothing more than to please you…”

That made Kaidan’s whole body flare up with blue light as his back arched off the bed for a short moment. Fuck. He wasn’t supposed to be using his biotics in here, but he couldn’t stop himself. He tugged his nipple once more before lifting his index and middle finger into his mouth. His left hand had finally given up on taking things slow as fingers twirled around his balls before his blunt fingernails grazed along the top of his length. Soon after his hips were moving in sync with his hand as thrusts became faster and faster.

“Does he make you want to come?”

The man could only nod quickly in response and groan as the fingers in his mouth finally pulled free and slid down to roll around the tight ring of his ass. The pain of his body was quickly forgotten as he slid the tip of his finger inside. Kaidan’s throat choked out a short moan while his hands worked in tandem.

“Come for him…”

His hips raised off the bed as his rock hard length twitched between his fingers. Only a few more quick strokes and then a thick rope of come shot forth along his abdomen while his whole body shivered and glowed blue once more. The Major just kept stroking until finally the aches of his injuries finally told him to stop. The sticky sweat of his back hit the bed while he took shallow breaths in and out.

“Very good, Major.”

“C-can I… open my eyes now?” Kaidan said between gasps of air. Gods he’d never come so hard in his life.

“You may,” came the response from the direction of the windowsill. 

The biotic slowly fluttered his eyes open and craned his head only to find a slender man dressed in a brown suit. His skin mostly green but with a spattering of black spots and maroon red ridges running along the length of his neck and jaw. Two sets of eyelids blinked in front of what appeared to be black eyes that watched the Major inquisitively. He was sitting with one hip on the sill and left arm draped over his knee. The two middle fingers of each hand appeared to be fused together and covered with the same smooth scales as his face. A drell? Kaidan had never met one before. This experience was just getting stranger and stranger.

“Allow me to introduce myself.” The drell slowly rose from the window and bowed slightly at the shoulders, “Thane Krios.” As he straightened up, Thane’s full lips appeared to rise in what could only described as a smile.

“We need to talk…”


	3. Never Hide Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thane and Kaidan have an intimate chat.

“Talk?” Kaidan watched the drell as his body further reminded him that jerking off was probably not the smartest thing he should have done. “You were doing most of the talking.”

“I was testing a theory," Thane softly responded as he turned and grabbed a pillowcase from the back shelf and tossed it to land precisely on the Major’s stomach.

Kaidan sighed and rubbed the spunk off his torso with the offered piece of cloth. “Theory?” he asked as he started to throw the pillowcase behind him. His hand then paused as he soon came to realization that he was still in a room with full view windows on all sides.

Shit.

“Not to worry…” the assassin answered as if sensing Kaidan’s sudden uneasiness. “The windows to the hallway are covered.” His lips once again curled upwards, “You were not seen. Except by me, of course.”

The pillowcase was then dropped to the floor and the biotic reached to carefully pull his briefs back up over his hips. “Fine. But you still need to explain to me what you’re doing here.” He started to pull the blanket up as well but then remembered what Thane had whispered earlier about not hiding. His sore fingers tugged the fabric up to his waist and then rested on top gently folded together.

Thane pulled his hands behind his back and stood up perfectly straight as he was often wont to do. He stepped closer to the hospital bed and looked down. Kaidan couldn’t hear the drell’s footsteps which was probably how he was able to do what he’d just done without raising any suspicion.

And then Thane did something that the Major was completely not expecting.

{“A hand slips underneath rough fabric… It tugs at thick flesh underneath with soft strokes… Cock pulled free as his breathing quickens… Goosebumps raise the hair on his arms… ‘Shepard…’ he whispers as fingers continue to bring him closer to release… His eyes never open but somehow he is at peace.”}

Thane then seemed to pull out of the ‘moment’ with a blink of both eyelids. “My apologies,” he managed to say before returning his gaze to Kaidan.

Whiskey brown eyes went completely wide. “What the fuck? You… you were watching me before?”

“It was not intentional, I assure you. You were asleep, or so I thought. I caught a glimpse of your… need through the glass and decided initially to step in and offer you privacy away from the prying eyes of staff and other patients.” Green fingers motioned casually towards the drapes still covering the hallway windows. “Unfortunately my curiosity kept me from leaving until you were… finished.”

Kaidan swallowed a bit of bile that had risen in his throat. If his face wasn’t still so bruised Thane would be watching a blush creep to his cheeks. This was utterly uncomfortable even with the shades drawn. A complete stranger had watched him masturbate… twice. Once by accident he could deal with. Once with said stranger directing his motions was another thing entirely. He reflexively started tugging the blanket up as Thane’s hand moved at almost lightning speed to keep him from doing so.

“Perhaps I should explain.” The drell’s hand returned the blanket to Kaidan’s waist and then left it there as if to make sure the man couldn’t make any attempt to move it again. “I had heard of you before our first… encounter. We have a mutual acquaintance.”

“A ‘mutual aquaint-‘“ The Major paused mid word as his brain caught up. “You know Shepard? How?”

Thane carefully nodded his head. Kaidan couldn’t help but be in mild awe at how calm and confident this man’s demeanor was. He was captivating even for a drell. Were all members of his species like this?

“I was a part of the Commander’s mission to stop the Collectors. I had not expected to live through the experience, but as can you see,” Thane waved his free hand around in the air around his face. “I am still here with a few more months to enjoy my life.”

A few more months? The biotic’s face contorted with worry, “Why only a few more months? I don’t understand.”

“I have a condition known as Kepral’s Sydrome.” Thane’s hand raised as if expecting Kaidan to immediately ask if the disease is communicable, “It only effects drell and is not contagious, I assure you. I have an issue where my lungs do not properly take in oxygen and therefore my blood cannot produce healthy hemoglobin. So far there is no cure but I am aware that the hanar are actively working on one.”

The Major slowly released a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding as Thane explained his condition and then asked, “I see. Um… so how much do you know about me? Other than well…” He waved his right hand awkwardly towards his crotch.

The drell softly grunted a chuckle at Kaidan’s gesture, “Shepard spoke of you. I was not a part of the crew yet when he went to Horizon, but he mentioned it later on during one of our talks. He seemed distant when your name was mentioned, but I could tell he was upset. The eyes of a person, no matter their species, can never lie about how they truly feel.” Another grunt, “Makes me somewhat envious that hanar don’t even have eyes.”

Kaidan managed to smirk for just a moment at the comment as he looked up at Thane’s eyes. They weren’t all black as he originally thought. They were instead a sharp shade of green held within rich pools of ebony. A sight that the man suddenly realized was so mysterious and yet absolutely beautiful. He coughed and quickly looked away before asking, “Jo… Shepard was upset?”

If Thane caught the verbal slip, he didn’t make any mention of it. “Indeed. He said that it was probably best you declined his offer to join the crew.” That caused the biotic to turn his gaze back silently as the drell continued his thought, “…because then you’d be alive and not have to worry if he died a second time.”

Tears began to well up in Kaidan’s eyes as he choked on a painful breath. He wiped quickly at his face with the underside of his palm and licked his lips which had somehow managed to still feel dry despite the effort.

Thane reached for a nearby cup and offered the straw toward the Major’s lips to drink. The man lifted his head and softly smiled around the straw while taking a couple of sips. Once the cup was replaced on the nearby table, the assassin once again placed a hand upon the blanket just in case Kaidan had any further plans to move it.

“You love him,” Thane’s voice was almost a whisper like before when he had been coaxing Kaidan’s hands. “Don’t you?”

Kaidan had barely had time to swallow the last sip of water before his gaze shot squarely at the drell. He didn’t answer, but those amber brown eyes gave away exactly what he was thinking.

A genuine smile was soon upon Thane’s face, “Your eyes remind me of Irikah’s…” And then,

{“Laser dot trembles on his skull… One finger twitch, he dies... The smell of spice on the spring wind… Sunset colored eyes defiant in the scope… The laser dances away…”}

Thane shook his head. “Drell slip into memories. It is… It can be seen as strange to other species.” His fingers actually managed to grip the folds of blanket a bit tighter. “Irikah was my wife,” he continued. “She woke me up. Gave me a purpose beyond my… usual line of work. We have a son together. Kolyat.” His grip then loosened but stayed put. “Shepard helped my son and I make amends after…” The drell let the thought drift in the air as he fell into silence.

“I’m sorry.” Kaidan totally understood. The mention of his wife in past tense told the Major everything he needed to know. Listening to Thane bare himself like this felt almost an intimate as when the assassin was watching him before.

“You need to tell him,” Thane eventually said as he let the previous subject rest for the moment. “You won’t resolve anything if you don’t let him know your true feelings.”

Kaidan scowled and tried defiantly to pull the blanket up. “I don’t think that’s possible. Not anymore.”

“Oh I’m almost positive that it is possible,” Thane countered. “Shepard’s already visited you once. No doubt he plans to come here again to check on your progress.” The blanket was kept from moving, as expected. He was not letting the Major cocoon himself away from what he needed to do. “Perhaps you should send him a message that you’re awake and accepting visitors.”

Kaidan let out a series of sighs before he finally said, “That simple, eh?”

“Yes. It’s that simple. And after, we will work on how you should progress from there.”

“Oh we will, huh?” Kaidan scoffed at such a proposal, as if completely forgetting that Thane had made him do the fiver finger shuffle minutes before with only his words.

Green eyes surrounded by black looked sincerely at the biotic as Thane slowly nodded.

“Yes. I have a plan…”


	4. The Second Human Spectre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Udina visits Kaidan and offers him the position of a lifetime, but he has doubts...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a segue into Shepard's second visit with Kaidan.

Thane was ready to hatch forth his plans with Kaidan the next day after their discussion. Unfortunately he was not expecting Councilor Udina to wander straight into the Major’s hospital room that morning. The drell knew better than to spy on such a meeting. However as soon as the human Councilor left he slipped into the room and moved to his usual spot upon the windowsill with purposeful steps so that Kaidan would know he was there.

The biotic was laying on his back with his eyes closed and one arm draped on his chest. Thane could tell by his breathing that Kaidan was agitated, but he wasn’t going to pry. He simply waited for the man to speak when he was ready.

“Udina made me an offer and… I’m not sure how to feel about it,” Kaidan eventually spoke, breaking the silence as his eyes then slowly opened.

Thane cocked his head curiously, “An offer…?” He’d never met Udina before and therefore had no idea what was making the Major so hesitant.

The Major turned his head upon his pillow to face the assassin, “You have to understand. We… I’ve been dealing with Udina for over 3 years now. He’s not what I’d call the most pleasant of people to deal with. He’s up to something but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.”

Thane shook his head and spoke again with a somewhat commanding tone, “You didn’t answer my question, Major.”

‘Major’. Kaidan’s bruised face winced. He suspected that whatever ‘plans’ the drell had in mind would involve him constantly being addressed by his rank. “He asked me to become the second human Spectre.”

“Why, besides the reputation of the man offering it to you, would you be hesitant to accept?”

“Because I’m not Shepard!” Kaidan blurted out with his fingers tightening into fists.

The outburst was abrupt, but Thane took it in stride. “No you are not. You are Major Kaidan Alenko. One of the most powerful human biotics in the galaxy and the head of the First Special Operations Biotics Division. You also were instrumental in the defeat of Saren and the Geth during the Battle of the Citadel.” Both eyelids slowly blinked. “You have your own achievements, Major. As I’ve said… you should never hide yourself.”

Kaidan huffed, “You read my file or something?” He didn’t give Thane a chance to answer as his hands uncurled and then linked together on top of his stomach. “I just want to do the right thing is all. It’s a huge commitment.”

“And you will do a fine job of it,” Thane reassured. “You have principle and virtue. Why else would you keep your true feelings for the Commander from him for so long?”

The Major opened his mouth to retort, but then thought better of it. Thane was right. He just shut his eyes tightly and grunted out. “Fine… You win.” He didn’t like it, but he couldn’t keep fighting it anymore either. "I need to let Shepard know first… about the offer I mean.”

“You haven’t written to him yet, have you?” Thane was once again asking in a tone that was crisp with a tinge of commandment to it.

“No…” Kaidan winced once more. “I was going to but…”

The drell cleared his throat and stood up, placing his hands behind his back. Kaidan Alenko was a walking contradiction. Self-assured one moment, and then questioning himself the next. He was somewhat like Kolyat, and that made this situation all the more frightening. This man was going to be in constant bedlam for the rest of his life if Thane didn’t do something… soon.

“Major…” The assassin slowly paced back and forth along the length of the hospital bed. “I am only going to offer this once. If you refuse, then I shall not speak of it again.” He finally stopped at the foot of the bed and simply stood there in silence as if waiting for the biotic to retort. When he didn’t, Thane then continued with a piercing gaze, “I will help you recover. Your body, your mind, and your biotics will need to be in top shape before you can return to active duty. There is only one condition. You must accept and do everything I say when I say it.”

An offer. A simple offer with only one rule. Normally Kaidan would be skeptical except for the fact that Thane had already managed to stir his innermost thoughts and emotions about John Shepard in a matter of minutes. He was also tired be being cooped up in here. He wanted to get back into the fight. He wanted to kick the Reapers back to wherever they came from. Most importantly, he wanted to settle things with Shepard and help them both move past all of their pain.

“I accept…” Kaidan said after his long moment in thought and then nodded in the direction of the assassin.

With those two words, Thane was ready to finally begin. He pulled a datapad from behind him and placed it carefully on the Major’s stomach “You will write the Commander to visit, but make no mention of our arrangement.”

Kaidan swallowed loudly before reaching for the pad. He then began to tap out the words as a sense of heaviness began to deflate from his chest.

_Hey Shepard,_

_Through some combination of a medical miracle and dumb luck, I survived the beating I took on Mars. The doctors say I’m still not ready to be released, but I’d really like to see you if you can spare the time..._

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Thane didn’t seem to mind that it was Kaidan’s email and not his that finally persuaded Commander Shepard to make another appearance at Huerta. Still, he was a welcome sight but the assassin could tell that the War was starting to wear on the man. There were dark lines under Shepard’s otherwise bright blue eyes and a slight slump in his shoulders. He did walk up and tried to keep his demeanor as cordial as possible as he caught Thane doing some sparring practice near the window.

“Shepard…” The drell said as he turned. “I heard that Earth was under attack. I didn't know if you'd made it out. What are you doing here?" Obviously he knew exactly why he was here, but the Commander didn’t need to have any further stress right now.

Shepard couldn’t help but offer the assassin a tired smile, "Visiting a friend. Kaidan. He got hurt protecting me."

"The human biotic in intensive care,” Thane coughed once before continuing. “I saw the marks of an implant." A lie, but again Shepard was better off not knowing how he truly learned of Kaidan’s abilities.

The Commander’s eyes softened slightly as he was no doubt glad to hear that Thane had been checking up on the Major. “Yeah…” he whispered quietly as rough fingertips fidgeted.

"We have spoken. He seems an honorable sort. Your enemies may try to find him here. I will watch over him for you when you cannot. He will be under my protection." A solemn vow. Thane didn’t have to lie in this case. It was just one more touch of good he could leave behind, and both men deserved to be happy.

And then Thane watched as Shepard’s lips rose into one of his rare yet genuine smiles. He’d only seen the Commander smile like this once before. After they’d all survived the Omega 4 relay he had walked by the entire crew and gave that same smile to each of them. A smile of relief and comfort.

"Thank you, Thane. I appreciate it."

"It is the end of my life and a good time to be generous…" Thane answered with another curt nod and a returned smile.

After a few more words were exchanged, Shepard eventually turned and headed back to the intensive care wing. The drell watched while pretending to return to his sparring exercises. Udina stepped out about a minute after the Commander had gone in. No doubt speaking to Kaidan once more about the Spectre position, but the Major had said he wouldn’t make a final decision until he spoke with Shepard. Thane approved of this. Who better to give him advice than the first human Spectre?

It seemed like hours before the Commander finally left Kaidan’s room and then stepped through the patient lounge to the elevator. Back to the fight, no doubt… but at least the two men had had some quality time to talk.

Carefully, the assassin stepped into the impatient room and asked, “So…?”

Kaidan was staring out the window with both hands on his stomach. A pale blue bottle of TM-88 Peruvian Whiskey was sitting on the side table as the Major slowly turned his head. The soft smile and slight twinkle in his brown eyes gave Thane the answer he was looking for.

“I think it went well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as the game points to Shepard being the one to influence Kaidan into finally accepting the Spectre position, it always felt a little abrupt. Thane's intervention I think is more fluid and makes more sense storywise.


	5. Stay Focused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan starts his first day of Physical Training.

After only a couple of days after Shepard’s visit, Kaidan had been cleared to start physical therapy. After almost two weeks being confined to a bed, he was overjoyed to get up and walk around a bit. Even Dr. Michel had stopped hovering around him as much to check on his L2 implant. It was nice to feel more like a human being again.

The Major cringed as he pulled a heather grey Alliance t-shirt over his bruised shoulders and then let the cotton fabric fall over his toned torso. It was decent fit, although the blue sweatpants tied around his waist were just a bit too big. Not surprising when you’re on a liquid diet, and the nurse had mentioned he’d lost about 7 pounds since he got there. He slipped his shoes on and then breathed in deeply as he took his first real steps out and into the impatient hallway.

The physical therapy room was situated in the back of the hospital, away from the more immediate emergency areas. Other than Thane, Kaidan caught two other patients in the room waiting for their sessions to begin.

A krogan named Darg was grunting near the windows that he desperately needed to get back in the fight on Tuchunka. His right arm amputated just above the elbow but said he could still hold a shotgun to kill reapers with. Kaidan couldn’t help but chuckle and offered the krogan a sideways grin as he walked further in. He knew exactly how Darg felt, probably more so than anyone else. Krogan were not known for being a patient lot when it came to battle, however.

A younger woman named Jessica was also there standing with the assistance of crutches. She had brown hair pulled back into a bun and pale blue eyes. She also had a warm smile as she greeted the Major and introduced herself. Jessica had recently arrived due to an altercation with Cerberus on Benning. If it hadn’t been for the Alliance, she and her friend would never have made it off planet.

The biotic’s first session was to check on the status of his legs and ability to walk without issue. Since his spine had received very little abuse from when he was slammed against the shuttle, his therapy progressed relatively quickly.

As he finished, the Major was given a small towel to wipe some sweat from his jaw and the scratchy beard he’d not had a chance to shave in a few days. He waited for Thane to finish his own therapy which encompassed a series of breathing exercises and couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt that they were only giving the drell a month or more of extra time.

Eventually Thane stood up from the floor and nodded in thanks to his therapist before straightening his jacket and then turning to walk towards Kaidan once the room had emptied out except for the two of them.

“Are you ready for our first session, Major?” He sounded a little bit out of breath, but the drell was always fully committed to something.

Darg and Jessica eventually left talking about grabbing some lunch, and Kaidan slowly stood up with his eyes on Thane the whole time. “Yes, Sere.”

Thane had instructed the Major to call him ‘Sere’ during their private appointments. It was simply a formality, Thane explained, to keep things as simple as possible. Kaidan accepted this information as if he was back in cadet training. He knew better than to question it, as Thane had assured him that he had the biotic’s best interests in mind.

“Take off your shoes, Major…” Thane clasped his hands behind his back which forced his spine to straighten and pushed his chest out. He stood perfectly still as Kaidan lifted each foot and slipped off one shoe and then the other.

Once Kaidan was barefoot, the assassin walked to a rack on the left side of the room. The PT facility also doubled as a gym which meant it carried quite an array of physical fitness equipment. Thane’s interest was a rack housing a selection of wood and bamboo martial arts weapons. He grabbed what looked to be a straight bamboo practice sword in one hand and a wooden quarterstaff in the other.

The quarterstaff was given to the biotic who was then instructed to roll it behind his head and stretch his arms out to each side along its length. With his feet then raised so he was on his toes, Kaidan looked almost like he was being crucified in place.

“You will not move until I tell you to,” came Thane’s commanding yet calm statement. He grasped the practice sword between both hands as he paced around Kaidan.

“Yes, Sere…”

“One of the most important rules of combat…” the drell said as he slowly paced “is to never allow yourself to get distracted.”

This was something that Kaidan was fully aware of. He started to turn his head to ask a question, but the motion was answered by a swift swat of the bamboo sword against his left nether cheek. That caused his head to turn right back to attention up front and swallow hard. “I’m sorry, Sere…”

Thane then continued with the sword returning to both hands. “Losing focus can be life or death, Major. For you or anyone else on your team. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sere…” 

Kaidan then heard a sound that could only be the soft rustling of fabric somewhere behind him. He knew that looking back would only gain him another smack on his ass, so he kept looking towards the far wall. Keeping his arms spread out like this was already causing his shoulders to ache but he couldn’t think about that now.

Thane soon took a casual pace around to face the Major, and the latter finally could see that the assassin had removed his jacket and vest and stood there naked from the waist up. Whiskey eyes drew in the sight with his lips twitching ever so slightly. The assassin’s physique was slender for sure, but also as muscular and well-defined as Kaidan had imagined. Both his back and torso continued the smooth scales and a smattering of black spots that continued from his head. He also appeared to have some darker markings that closely resembled tribal tattoos that seemed to caress his skin along his chest, shoulders and down the middle of his back. Finally, along his waist, Kaidan could scarcely see just a peek of crimson frills that followed the bottom of Thane’s stomach to under the cloth waistband of his pants.

His body was exotic and almost intoxicating and the Major couldn’t help but feel an erection start to form underneath his sweatpants.

Perhaps that was Thane’s plan along, because soon Kaidan felt a second smack of bamboo against his right buttcheek, causing him to grit his teeth.

“I did not say you could move, Major…” and the drell’s eyes immediately lowered to observe Kaidan’s pelvis and the emerging growth that was hidden underneath cotton fabric. After a moment the sword was lifted up to his left shoulder and those green eyes gradually lifted to Kaidan’s face.

The biotic’s shoulders by this point were throbbing and his toes had begun to wiggle in place as he tried to stay upright. Teeth bit at his lower lip while he watched the drell watching him. This strange, fluid mixture of pleasure and pain had his mind racing and a headache beginning to flare up between his temples.

“Sere, I….”

Thane grunted and shook his head. In another flash of an instant he spun around with the sword and hit Kaidan square across the full measure of his ass. “As I suspected. You lack focus, Major.”

This finally caused Kaidan’s lips to part and release the smallest of groans. “Please, Sere… I…” he managed to say with his arms shaking against the staff in severe pain and toes about to give way.

He soon felt the staff being carefully slid out from between his arms and shoulders and then the sight of Thane, still shirtless, walking both weapons back to their respective places on the rack.

“We will work on correcting that issue in future sessions. For now, we are done, Major. You may return to your room.”

Kaidan lowered his arms, thankful that the pain was already starting to subside and reached for his shoes. “Thank you, Sere,” he murmured and slowly started to pad his way towards the exit. His half-erection combined with the tenderness of both his asscheeks and shoulders made this journey a very difficult one to manage.

Once the door slowly closed, Thane shook his head as he started to shrug his vest back on.

“What am I going to do with you, Kaidan Alenko?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've actually been hit with one of those bamboo swords before during martial arts training. Trust me when I say that while they can't break skin, they can cause some serious bruising if you don't focus your mind and body enough.


	6. Touch of Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Biotics sparring between friends can stir up a lot of memories, and latent emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter started out one way and ended up completely different as I was going on. Oh my heart!

Kaidan stared at himself in the mirror as he brought the electric razor up to trim up the whiskers along his jaw. The bruises on his face were almost gone and only a couple of greenish spots were still noticeable along his shoulders. The wiry curls of his wet hair had drooped down in front of his eyes which he tried foolishly to puff up and away with an upward breath. He had definitely gotten more greys in the past year which wasn’t too unexpected. His mother had said that she started going grey at 40, but he now had a head start on her at 35.

He still remembered an offhanded comment from Ashley once when they were on shore leave at Flux.

 _“Jesus Kaidan, loosen up a bit. You’ll be going grey by the time you’re 40 at this rate,”_ she’d joked with a sly smirk over her glass. The woman had a habit of being as blunt as possible. Even with Shepard she wasn’t shy about stating her views; a quality that the Commander seemed to appreciate.

The Major closed his eyes and gripped the side of the sink with his hands. In hindsight he was envious of Ash’s impetuousness. Perhaps then he wouldn’t’ve been caught by a drell watching him masturbate in his hospital room. He huffed a laugh at the thought of that and shook his head with a small grin. Fate works in mysterious ways… and Kaidan was due to visit said drell for another private session.

Fingers rose up to brush as much of his unruly hair as he could out of his face and then tucked his razor back into its nylon carrying case. A loud knock on the door and the booming voice of Darg on the other side made him nearly drop the case on the floor at his feet.

“Fuck Kaidan I need to take a piss! What the hell are you doing in there???”

“Sorry! I’ll… I’m coming out.”

\----------------------------

Thane was already waiting for Kaidan in the PT room when he arrived with hands neatly folded behind his back as always.

The assassin seemed to get straight to business as he spoke, “Today we will work on your biotics, Major.”

Kaidan brushed a hand through his dark hair once more and offered a nod, “Yes, Sere…”

“Good… now take off your shirt,” Thane said as arms began to remove his own jacket and vest.

The Major didn’t question the request. Biotics in practice did make human body temperature run a little warmer than usual. He rolled his t-shirt up over his head and then tossed it on top of a nearby folding chair.

Thane couldn’t quite determine why human body hair had become so captivating for him, but watching Kaidan’s torso slowly emerge from underneath his t-shirt made him take pause. With the bruises mostly healed, his green eyes could now see that the Major had an almost perfect display of hair on his chest, stomach, and lower arms that contrasted his soft mocha skin.

Perhaps he’d stared at the man for longer than he should have as Thane suddenly overheard Kaidan ask, “Are you ready to start, Sere?”

The assassin’s gaze shot up to the other man’s face as that soft yet husky voice broke the silence. Eyelids blink in unison as he steeled himself to continue the lesson. “Yes, Major.”

Thane instructed Kaidan to place up a Barrier around himself and then watched as skin was engulfed in shimmering blue light. He’d witnessed humans use biotics before, as Jack glowed the exact same way when he saw her abilities. This was the first time, however, that he noticed it caused their eyes glow bright blue when in use. Kaidan was not unlike the Lord of Hunters with the way he raised his arm to activate his Barrier.

The drell raised his right hand which then glowed a matching shade of blue as he prepared his own biotic attack. “Remember to focus, Major…” and tossed a Warp in an attempt to remove the Barrier.

Kaidan was not nearly as limber as Thane, but his years of military training had certainly taught him a thing or two about avoidance. As the Warp was cast, he reflexively stepped sideways to the left and then followed it up with a Reave crackling from his own hand that shot from his hand right into the direction of the assassin’s legs.

Luckily, Thane was ready for the counterattack and managed to jump into the air with a half summersault just as the blue light skirted past his hip. Once his feet hit the floor he then used a Throw to knock Kaidan off his feet. While the Barrier did block most of the damage from the Throw, it did jerk the Major to the floor and onto his back with a resounding smack.

“A good beginning, Major…” Thane encouraged as he then bent at the waist and held out his hand to help Kaidan back to his feet.

The man grunted as he tried to regain the breath that had just been knocked out of him. “Thank you, Sere…” and then he reached for the offered hand and started to lower his Barrier.

But then the drell hit Kaidan with another Throw which scooted him further across the floor.

Kaidan coughed loudly as his upper back finally made contact with a folded mat nearby. “Alright. I deserved that,” he closed his eyes hard and slooooowly rolled his body up to sit on top of the mat.

Thane couldn’t help but twist his lips into a grin at the response, but then his smile slowly dropped as he spied a rather noticeably scar along the left side of Kaidan’s torso. How had he not seen it before? He cocked his head and then made a gesture towards the scar. “If I may ask, Major…”

The biotic was too busy getting even more hair out of his face when he heard that. “Hmmm?” and then turned his own gaze to where the other man was pointing to. “I have many scars, Sere. But this…” he lifted his left arm to absently run along it. “This one has a really bad memory that goes along with it.”

Thane sat down on the mat with a bit of distance between him and Kaidan and rested his hands gingerly upon his knees, “It isn’t because of Shepard, is it?”

“What? No no!” Kaidan shook his head violently. “This was from Brain Camp. I was a stupid kid who did a really stupid thing.”

The assassin leaned forward and steepled his hands in front of his face as he silently waited for the Major to further explain.

Kaidan took the deepest of breaths and then nodded as he told Thane about BAaT, his connection with Rahna, and his ultimate confrontation with the turian instructor that got the program shut down. By the end of the story, he lowered his head to look down at the floor. He looked more exhausted than ashamed as he softly whispered, “The worst part is, I was more upset at Rahna’s reaction than the fact I’d killed him. They say you never forget the first life you take…” His head then turned to look up towards Thane with his eyes holding back tears, “Vymnus was an asshole and… I couldn’t stop myself.”

The drell listened quietly as he sat there. As much as he may have wanted to comfort Kaidan in this brief moment of vulnerability, he couldn’t. Not now. He was doing this for Kaidan and for Shepard. His own feelings and his desires were not important. He pushed his emotions away for now while his lips then softly began to speak.

{“A man rushes towards me with a pistol… I run between his legs and then turn to plunge a knife up into his shoulder… he screams and turns to shoot but I feel my fists hit his face harder and harder… soon he falls to the ground and stops moving… ‘The Goddess Arashu has blessed you’ someone says… I simply smile and relish the kill…”}

“Sere?” Kaidan blinked in surprise as he sat up straight.

“I have killed many in my life, but you are right you never forget your first. I was 12 when the human attacked me. He had dark brown hair, very similar to yours in fact. I suspect he was specifically chosen to be my first.” His fused fingers rolled against each other. “And I enjoyed every moment of it.”

Thane’s chest rose and fell with a struggled breath before speaking again, “This girl Rahna. You obviously cared about her and she cared for you.”

“Well, to be fair everyone loved her. She was so kind and…”

“As you humans are fond of saying… don’t sell yourself short, Major,” the drell cut him off. “Something as life changing as a man’s first kill can only be accomplished through one of two things. Hate… and Love. You managed to accomplish both, I think.”

That caused Kaidan’s hand to absently reach up and rub the back of his head near the amp scar just beneath his hair. “Well, yeah now that you think about it. But neither made my life better at the time.”

“It’s one of the reasons you are who you are today, Major. It has made you stronger.”

Strong. A simple word that Kaidan had only ever associated with a handful of people before. People like Garrus, Wrex, Tali, Liara, Anderson, Shepard, and Ashley. Hell even Joker had his moments. If only Ashley were here to see him now. She’d tell him to get up off his ass and keep fighting; grey hairs be damned.

The Major gripped his knees and pushed his body to stand up, “I believe, Sere… we still have some more practice to do.”

“That we do, Major.” Thane also rose to his feet and then backed up to give Kaidan a bit of space.

“Right then… let’s see that Reave one more time…”


	7. An Unexpected, but Welcome Guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thane & Kaidan chat about the Major's impending Spectre induction and release from the hospital, but then a certain Commander decides to come visit...

Thane was rather pleased to hear that Kaidan had formally accepted the Spectre position. He also knew that the Major would soon be discharged from the hospital so that he could get everything squared away with the Council. While the drell was well aware that Kaidan wouldn’t be at the hospital for long, he would certainly miss their… talks.

He managed to catch the biotic in his room getting what little items he had packed into a bag on top of the bed. Kaidan was dressed in BDUs which made him much more comfortable and like the Alliance soldier he was meant to be.

“Se…” Kaidan shook his head a little but then smiled warmly. “Thane! Hey… I’m glad you’re here.”

Thane returned the smile, though there was a faint sadness within his dark eyes. There was just something in that ‘Hey...’ of Kaidan’s voice that made his spine shiver, but he remained still otherwise. “I see you will be leaving the hospital soon. I’m sure as the second human Spectre you will have a lot of things planned once you meet with the Councilors.”

“Yeah but I’m still here for another 2 days at least while the docs run some last minute tests,” Kaidan chuckled as the assassin immediately eyed the half packed bag. “Can’t tell I’m ready to get out of here, eh?”

“I figured you were planning some elaborate scheme of sneaking over to Apollo’s for a sandwich. At least then you could enjoy some real food.” Thane said dryly, but with the smile still upon his lips.

The Major smiled even wider as his brown eyes watched Thane for perhaps too long a moment, but then the smile faltered as his eyes flicked towards the doors to the Impatient Wing.

“Shepard?”

And sure enough, John Shepard had walked in and was making a beeline for Kaidan’s room. He was wearing a black hoodie with an ‘N7’ patch on right breast pocket, his BDU bottoms and polished boots. His ash brown hair had actually managed to grow out a little and he was now sporting a trimmed goatee.

Kaidan seemed nervous that the Commander would not be too happy to find Thane in here with him, but as the door opened, the assassin had managed to disappear up and out of sight upon a beam near the ceiling.

The Major turned away from his bag and smiled as Shepard walked in. “Hey, Shepard,” he took a few steps closer to the other man. “Good News! I'm getting out soon.”

“Yeah?” The Commander leaned against the doorframe with crossed arms as Kaidan began to pace slightly back and forth. “Glad to hear. I’m sure you’ve been going stir crazy being cooped up in this place.”

“It’s not too bad, really but…” The Major paused in his steps and smiled “Maybe you already saw the vid, but I accepted Udina's offer.”

Shepard smirked, “How many times did he come bug you before you said yes?”

“Oh only a couple of times,” Kaidan shrugged before he started to pace again. “I was able to handle it, Shepard. Don’t worry.”

Besides the nervous pacing, Thane could tell that Kaidan was definitely more confident in himself. He nodded in silent encouragement from his perch and continued to listen.

Shepard’s blue eyes caught the light from the window just so that they almost seemed to twinkle as he watched Kaidan’s movements. “Spectre Kaidan Alenko. That's a big deal,” he said with pure optimism in his voice.

That caused the biotic to stop pacing and shoot the Commander a small smile, “Only the second human Spectre. It’s humbling, but I thought a lot about it before making my decision.”

“I’m glad,” Shepard nodded approvingly. “At least you got to think about it. I was just thrown in feet first.”

Both men chuckled and then stood there in silence as they looked into each other’s eyes. Thane could feel the emotional tension building from where he was at and frowned.

Kaidan finally broke through with a slight cough and turned towards the window, “Udina thinks they’ll have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. Maybe it’ll give folks something hopeful in all of this chaos.”

Shepard looked down to the floor and took a deep breath, “I can see that. I don’t blame him.” He then unfolded his arms and pushed his shoulder off the doorframe. “You ready to take on that responsibility?”

The Major smiled and looked over his shoulder only to see the Commander walking slowly towards him. “You set the bar pretty high, but I'll do my best,” he said with endearment in his words.

The affection in Kaidan’s voice caused Thane to shift a little on his perch and tilt his head. Green eyes blinked as he followed Shepard’s movements carefully.

“You’re perfect for the job, Kaidan. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” Then Shepard placed a gentle hand upon Kaidan’s left shoulder. A gesture that caused Thane to release a soft breath and close his eyes with a smile.

The biotic leaned in slightly to the touch, “It’s strange though. On Mars? I-I should have died. The promotion from Anderson, Spectre status.” He sighed and crossed his own arms across his chest. “These are terrible days, but I've been lucky.”

Luck wasn’t even the half of it. Virmire. The Battle of the Citadel. The Collector attack of the SR-1. Horizon. Vancouver. Mars. While Kaidan hadn’t actually died like Shepard did over 2 years ago, he certainly had his own growing collection of close calls.

“I’d say we’ve all been lucky to have you, Kaidan.” Shepard’s baritone voice was quiet as his hand squeezed just a little. “You're a good man and a hell of a soldier. We sure could use you.”

The Major swallowed slowly and then turned to face the Commander, causing the latter’s hand to fall from the former’s shoulder finally, “Yeah, I've thought about that. I just need to get out of here first, though. Take care of some things…” Brown eyes then looked around the room as if trying to determine if Thane was still listening in or not.

Shepard seemed to understand what he meant, though. “Anything in particular?”

"I've been trying to locate my old Spec Ops squads, my students, from Biotics Division,” The Major dropped his arms behind his back at the waist as he finally turned his gaze to the younger man. He was just shy of 4 inches shorter than Shepard, but that never seemed to intimidate him.

Kaidan’s change in stance occurred just as Thane reopened his eyes. He’d never seen the man adopt that pose before. The very same posture that he was often using to remain in focus. Lips rose into a soothing smile that he knew the Major couldn’t see, but he didn’t seem to care.

“Any luck yet?” Shepard seemed genuinely interested in hearing more.

“No, not yet…” Kaidan shook his head just a touch, “Probably went underground, but they'll turn up.” And then a sideways grin, “Besides, if they were easy to find they wouldn't be doing their jobs, eh?”

The Commander barked a laugh, “I’m sure they’ll turn up.” And then he pushed his rough hands within the pockets of his hoodie, “Seriously, though. Just let me know when you’re ready to return to the Normandy. I….” He looked away for a moment, “There’s always a bunk ready for you there, okay?”

“Yeah, thanks Shepard. I really appreciate it.”

Shepard raised his gaze to Kaidan once more. The two men locked eyes for what felt like an eternity before he eventually turned and walked quietly back out.

Once the doors swished closed and the man was out of sight, Thane jumped down from the ceiling next to Kaidan, which caused the latter to jump slightly. “Crap! I hate it when you do that.”

“It’s just what I do…” Thane murmured as his arms then folded behind his back. “I see that was a good talk as well,” His head tilted towards Kaidan intuitively.

Kaidan looked back to the drell with what could only be described as an expression of worry and guilt. He wrung his hands together a few times and chewed at his lip, “Yeah… I think so. But, I mean I do still have a little more time here and… we do have another session planned, right?”

Thane managed a smile. He was glad that the Major wanted to spend at least a little more time with him before his departure. While it was nice to have Kolyat’s visits twice a week, Kaidan and he had spoken every day for a little over 6 weeks since they met. He enjoyed the company as he’d finally grown accustomed to it after being on the Normandy before. They had 2 more days, and he was willing to enjoy it with the Major to its fullest.

“Tomorrow afternoon after lunch, then…”

\----------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've occasionally tried to throw a traditional Canadian 'eh?' into Kaidan's speech to well... make him more Canadian. The very Canadian writers of Bioware ironically seemed to forget that whenever the man talks. Raphael Sbarge is American so it's not his fault, but they could have done a bit better in regard to that part of the characterization.


	8. A Calm Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for one last sparring session, but things don't go quite as expected.

For once, Thane was the second one to arrive to the PT Room as he caught the sight of Kaidan performing some shadow boxing techniques near a set of mats. He was in his t-shirt and sweatpants with bare feet as his arms moved in silent rhythm. His hair wasn’t gelled to oblivion like usual either, so his dark curls were loose and swayed back and forth with each motion.

Thane closed the door and managed a small smile as he tried as silently as possible to wander closer. Only when he was in closer view did Kaidan pause with wide eyes and lower his arms. Some hair drooped down across his eyes to which the Major immediately lifted a hand to brush back.

“Sere… I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I would be a very shitty assassin if you had,” came Thane’s quip back as he put a small bag on top of the mats and then proceeded to slowly remove his jacket and vest.

Kaidan chuckled softly. “Good point,” and then took the cue to reach down and pull his own t-shirt over his head. Pretty much all of his bruises were healed at this point, and his muscles certainly felt a lot better than they had in a while.

The two of them had been sparring with both physical and biotic abilities for about a month, and in most of them Thane had given Kaidan a task to overcome. Most of the time it involved avoiding attacks or getting the upper hand on your opponent before she or he could attack first. Today, however, Thane had something special planned.

“Please close your eyes, Major,” came Thane’s first request as he wandered behind the man.

The biotic swallowed hard but then let his eyelashes flutter closed. “Ok, Sere…” Soon he felt a piece of cloth pulled in front of his face and dragged steadily around his head. It was folded with care behind his head and sure enough he couldn’t even attempt to open his eyes under the fabric if he tried.

Once Thane was confident that Kaidan was unable to see, he moved around in front of the other man and whispered, “Now we will see if you can accomplish your task without your eyes to guide you.”

“Yes, Sere…”

Kaidan heard the drell’s footsteps move further away for an instant and as if on instinct immediately put a Barrier around himself. Fingers flexed wide before rolling into loose fists and he perched on the balls of his feet in anticipation of the first attack.

A slap against his left arm made Kaidan immediately turn his form to the side and raise the same arm to block. Another slap aimed for his leg, but he was able to lower his arm and brush it out of the way. Soon after that he felt the breeze of Thane’s form somewhere behind him. With a swift waist turn he shot a Reave attack in that direction and then stepped back.

His legs were soon off balance with one of Thane’s signature sweeps which sent him backwards to the floor. With a wince he pushed himself back up and waited for an opening. Within 2 seconds he had one as another breeze, this time at his right side caused Kaidan to shoot another Reave with a brisk twist.

Thane’s sudden loud grunt and then a subsequent hard smack against the floor was the perfect sign that the Major had accomplished his task.

Kaidan straightened but stayed defense just in case as the drell had not told him to remove the blindfold just yet.

“Very good, Major.” He could hear that Thane was struggling to breathe as he got up, but his voice remained as strong as ever.

Soon a complex sensation of soft and firm was felt drawing down along his spine. He could tell it was the bamboo stick just by the sound of it trickling against the sweat forming on his back. The sensation caused Kaidan to swallow in anticipation as he felt his cock begin to swell.

The smooth bamboo circled over each ass cheek before it pulled away. Kaidan almost whimpered from the loss of contact before the sword was felt running tantalizingly along his stomach. The gathered tip rolled around his navel and then moved upwards to twirl around each nipple.

“Sere…” was all he could muster as an unsteady breath left his chest.

A pause and soon the sword was removed from Kaidan’s skin. “You can remove the blindfold now, Major.” Thane’s voice appeared to be cracking as he spoke each word.

And with that, the biotic reached up and untied the cloth surrounding his head and immediately blinked to get his eyes once against accustomed to the light in the room. Once he could finally see properly, he caught Thane over near the weapons rack with the bamboo sword just resting to the side.

“Sere?”

At first Kaidan thought perhaps the drell had overexerted himself from the sparring, but as he moved closer the unmistakable shimmer of tears was apparent on each of Thane’s cheeks. Green hands rose to vigorously brush them away and his slim form turned to put the sword back onto its proper place.

Calloused fingers reached up from behind Thane to stop his movement. No one except the occasional medical staff had touched his hands in so long. He watched as Kaidan’s thumb gently brushed across his fused fingers and a soft voice was heard near the base of his neck, “What’s wrong, Sere?”

The assassin’s head lowered slightly as he stared at the wall instead. “I… made a mistake, Major.” He didn’t pull his hand away. In fact he couldn’t seem move at all, even as the human standing behind him edged closer until he could feel the warmth of the man’s skin touch his shoulders.

Kaidan’s hand rose from his and eventually cupped upon his upper arm with a gentle caress, slowly causing Thane to turn around and face him. Thane was obviously the stronger one physically, but in this instance he felt weakened as he didn’t fight back.

“You’re meant to be with Shepard…” is all he could manage to say as the Major’s other hand lightly lifted the drell’s chin.

Brown eyes met with green as Kaidan whispered, “Maybe. But have you never thought about that you deserve a moment of happiness too, Thane?” His voice was as soft as silk and once those warm lips touched his, Thane conceded and just let the other man pull him closer.

Thane’s arms slowly snaked down to loop around Kaidan’s waist as his tongue gradually broke free and darted into the biotic’s mouth. Kaidan smiled faintly as he felt the textured tongue flicker against his own. The kisses steadily increased before the assassin managed to spin the Major around and all but slam him back against the wall.

Kaidan emitted a loud grunt as his shoulders hit but otherwise didn’t break contact. Blunt fingernails dragged across the scales of Thane’s upper back and then slid their way down to his waist. The taste of Thane’s mouth was tart yet sweet which made his lips tingle with each kiss. His tongue darted lazily along the middle ridge of the drell’s lips while he began to push down the leather pants covering the other man’s lower half.

Soon one of Thane’s hands quickly rose to stop him. “Siha… I… it’s been a very long time...” He looked up into Kaidan’s eyes before both eyelids calmly blinked. “And I have not been with… a male before.”

Kaidan just watched and listened, his gaze compassionate. His hand then began to tug away as he murmured, “We can stop if-”

“No. Don’t.” Thane tightened his grip to keep Kaidan’s hand from going away and then helped him push the assassin’s pants down past his thighs. The drell stepped out of them and then brushed his own hands through the dusting of hair on the biotic’s stomach. Lips touched lips soon after as Kaidan felt his sweatpants pushed off his hips with a swift motion.

The Major breathed in briskly through his teeth as his hard cock bounced free, suddenly exposed to the cold air. He had other plans in mind, however as he dug his hands deep into Thane’s hips and spun him around now to the hit the wall. A sideways grin and a bit of twinkle in those whiskey eyes had Thane chuckle as the other man turned his head and ran his tongue along the red fringe of the drell’s neck. Rough hands slithered along smooth scales and eventually found their place around the base of Thane’s own solid length.

The assassin rumbled low in his throat and closed both sets of eyelids at the wave of sensations. Hips jerked upwards as if encouraging the Major to do more. Kaidan complied by rolling his calloused digits back and forth. Teeth quickly bit at a spot on Thane’s chest and then soft kisses caused his gaze to follow the other man on his downward journey.

As the drell soon realized what Kaidan was doing, he murmured with short breaths, “D-don’t… swallow. I’ve been told it can cause… s-side effects f-for humans.”

The biotc’s lips paused right at the maroon ridges of Thane’s hips before nuzzling his nose against them “Understood, Sere.” Kaidan’s head soon rose and lips parted to glide the tip of Thane’s cock inside the warmth of his mouth.

Scaled fingers dropped to entangle themselves within the Major’s thick curls as he lost himself in moment. “Siha…” he hummed when he felt Kaidan’s tongue roll around along the ridges of his length.

And Kaidan was more than willing to savor every last bit of pleasure he was offering in return. His hand stroked in sync with his mouth as he sped up and slow down to tease the drell standing above him. He lavished his length as long as he could before he could feel Thane’s hips begin to tense with his orgasm. With that he stopped and kissed each thigh before rising back up to his feet.

Thane heaved a few breaths and watched as the biotic stood back up. “What… about you, Siha?” A hand touched Kaidan’s cheek as his face filled with concern.

“Shhh,” Kaidan softly responded. “I do need you to do one thing for me, but not that if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“What is it that you need?” The drell blinked one set of eyelids and then the others as he watched curiously.

The Major knelt down to his now discarded pants and dug out what appeared to be a small packet of lube from the side pocket. “Unfortunately unlike with women, us guys need a little extra help with uh… certain things.” He dangled the packet between his fingers with a small chuckle and then ripped the top open with his teeth.

That caused Thane to grunt in response, “Exactly how long have you had that thing in your pocket, Major?”

“Long enough. Now… I need your hand a moment.”

Thane extended his hand and watched as Kaidan rubbed some of the gel up and down his fingers. The Major then turned with his stomach to the wall. “You’ll need to loosen me up first. It’ll be too painful otherwise.”

“I would rather not cause you pain, Siha.”

The biotic peeked over his shoulder with a smirk and wiggled his hips suggestively “Well then you’d better get to work. Just take it slow.”

Thane knelt down and slowly began rolling his index finger around the tightness of Kaidan’s opening and then gradually sliding inside. The biotic jumped slightly which made Thane quickly jerk back in response.

“Hey it’s… its ok. It’s just been a long time for me too.” Kaidan sucked in a breath and placed his hands flat on the wall. “You’re fine…”

The scaled finger then returned to tease as the lube ran along Kaidan’s inner walls. Soon Thane switched to his fused fingers which pushed forward and caused the other man’s spine to arch and his chest to release a sharp breath. His legs stepped a little further apart as Thane’s hand slid back and forth. The drell decided to take advantage of the moment and dipped his head through to drag his textured tongue tantalizingly along the length of Kaidan’s perineum and then across the underside of his balls.

The Major’s cock jerked and his fingernails dug into the wall as he bent his head forward. “Okok I… I-I think I’m ready now. I want you inside me… please, Sere.”

Thane nodded and withdrew his hand slowly. “And I will oblige you.” He brought his hips up behind Kaidan’s and then positioned himself to press his length slowly inside with a hiss.

The biotic pushed his own hips back to meet the drell’s and closed his eyes tight. Eventually Thane began to move with one hand on Kaidan’s hip and the other reaching around to pull his torso back farther against him. He kissed the spot between Kaidan’s shoulders and then rest his forehead there as his hips commenced picking up speed.

“S-shit… don’t stop, Sere….” Came Kaidan’s response as his shoulder muscles tightened. His thick curls now moist with sweat as he breathed and tried to keep up with Thane’s thrusts.

Suddenly the assassin stopped and spun the Major around to once again slam his back against the wall. Kaidan looked wide eyed before he was picked up off the floor and Thane quickly returned himself to the other man’s warmth. Arms guided Kaidan’s legs around him and the drell pushed over and over with hips smacking forwards. Thane then buried his face deep within the wet hairs of Kaidan’s chest and purred loudly with his breath coasting over a nipple.

The Major tightened his whole body around Thane with his own rock hard length rubbing against the smooth scales of the drell’s stomach. As Thane drove deeper he emitted a series of guttural moans before he whispered, “I'm close…”

“Then come for me, Siha…”

Not for Shepard. Not this time. Thane wanted this blissful moment all to himself.

He pushed a hand between them and began to stroke Kaidan in sync with his own movements. It didn’t take long for the biotic to tense up and then cry out as his cock twitched. Warm come shot forth from Kaidan’s balls in-between them and soon after Thane shuttered and thrust as deep as he could to fill Kaidan with his own orgasm.

They both just stayed there up against the wall for a long while. Arms and legs still curled around each other. Eventually Thane let loose a huff as his legs finally began to feel the full the weight of the man still sitting above him. He slowly let Kaidan down to his feet and pulled himself out with care.

Kaidan managed a tired chuckle before sliding his slick back down the wall to the floor. His hand snatched his pants and haphazardly cleaned himself off and then watched as Thane pulled his own leather pants back on.

“Leaving so soon?” The Major reached out a hand out as if encouraging Thane to stay a while longer.

“I just know how hard that floor is and felt it would better not to sit on it naked,” Thane grinned. “But I guess humans are fine with things like that.”

“Oh fuck off,” Kaidan dragged Thane to sit down and then turned to place a kiss upon his shoulder.

A green arm snaked around to pull the biotic close and his nose then buried into Kaidan’s damp tendrils of hair, “Thank you, Siha,” he murmured and closed his eyes.

“You keep calling me that,” Kaidan breathed and leaned in closer. “What does it mean?”

The assassin smiled and slowly lifted his head while fingers softly massaged up and down the scar along Kaidan’s torso.

He was just about to answer when the lights suddenly went out and both men heard a loud crash coming from the direction of hospital.

“Fuck…” both Thane and Kaidan said in unison and scrambled quickly to their feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup as you probably guessed, this scene leads right into the Citadel Coup... but the story will continue after. There's plenty more to tell, trust me!


	9. The Game is Afoot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cerberus makes a bold move. Thane & Kaidan become separated in the chaos with their own goals to pursue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep we're finally tackling the Coup, but this time from Thane's & Kaidan's individual perspectives. There's a few minor changes (obviously) to help the story flow better, but the general motions for each of them are close to canon.

Kaidan almost fell forwards as he attempted to step and shove his sweatpants back on at the same time. He quickly snatched his shirt and looked over his shoulder to glimpse Thane already drawing his vest and jacket back over his shoulders.

“What the hell is going on?” The Major shouted as both men made it through to the hallway and found a doctor running past.

“We don’t know! Suddenly the lights went out and some soldiers in white armor crashed through the window shooting everywhere!” The doc wasn’t about to stick around anymore as he rushed past and into the lunch room.

White armor? Thane shook his head as fingers closed the metal clasps to his vest. “Sounds like Cerberus.”

“Cerberus?” Kaidan squinted his eyes extremely narrow. “Why can’t those assholes just fight the Reapers instead of everyone else? Then this fucking war might be over.”

A hand gently touched the biotic’s shoulder. “Siha. Now is not the time for grudges. We need to find the Council.”

The touch seemed to bring the Major down from the burning rage deep within his chest. “Sorry. You’re right.” He looked down at his current choice of attire and grunted “I’m not finding them like this. I need to get my armor on.” Kaidan had his armor repaired while in the hospital, and all the pieces were there for him to wear to the ceremony. Too bad that would have to wait. While he had not officially been sworn in yet as a Spectre, he still felt obligated to protect the Council at a time like this. “Give me a minute,” and he then darted through panicking staff and patients alike to his room to change. About three minutes later, Kaidan emerged wearing a set of grey armor that Udina had given him and carrying 2 pistols. He tossed one to Thane with a grin, “Alright. Let’s go, Sere.”

Thane couldn’t help but mirror the grin as he caught the pistol in one hand. As the gun was placed upon his hip, the assassin leaned in and pressed his lips to the Major’s cheek. “You look good. But yes… we should go.”

Kaidan sighed softly at the kiss, cocked his gun and then started walking through the Patient Lounge at a quickened pace. Thane followed right behind and into the elevator just in time to see Darg with a shotgun in his good hand screaming, “FOR CLAN URDNOT!” as he charged towards two Cerberus commandos.

The elevator opened to the Citadel tower and Kaidan quickly knelt and looked around. Besides the chaos of civilians running around in a confused panic, he did not see any Cerberus troops just yet. He held his pistol out in front before nodding towards Thane to follow him. Eventually they ran into a couple of turian C-Sec Officers who were helping seal off the area.

The Major pulled up his gun to his shoulder and asked the taller officer, “Where’s the Council?”

The officer flexed his mandibles in what could only be described as annoyance before answering with his own question. “Who’s asking?”

“Spectre Kaidan Alenko. I’m here to make sure they’re safe.”

That caused both of them to stand up a bit straighter “Uh yes, sir!” said the turian who up to this point had been silent. “Udina, Tevos, and Sparatus went to one of the safe rooms. We didn’t see Valern with them. No idea where he is.”

Crap. Kaidan closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose with a gloved hand. “Can you lead us to the safe room?” he finally asked and looked between the two.

“Who’s he?” Obviously they meant the drell currently standing just behind the Major. Thane responded with, “His bodyguard,” and left it at that.

Kaidan nodded in silent affirmation and then both followed as the C-Sec officers led them down a side hallway. This part of the tower he was quite familiar with thanks to the battle with Saren 3 years ago. At least this time around it wasn’t Geth trying to kill them; it was Cerberus super soldiers instead. Great.

Eventually they all stopped in front of what appeared to be a sealed door. The turians both looked towards the biotic in anticipation for… something. Kaidan blinked before he quickly realized they were expecting him to use his Spectre access code to open it. He’d received his codes ahead of time, but hadn’t actually had a chance to use them yet. With a silent prayer he punched in the number and smiled as the door whooshed open.

Both turians then darted through and the Major was about to follow until he felt Thane grasp his hand.

“I’m going to go find Valern,” he said as his fingers squeezed. “Protect the others, Siha.”

“What? I…” Kaidan quickly shook his head and then felt the assassin’s other smooth hand caress his cheek.

“I’ll be fine. Stay focused, Major and meet me at the hospital after.”

The biotic’s lower lip quivered as tears began to form in his eyes, but he knew that Thane was right. He could take care of himself. Kaidan nodded once and slowly pulled away. In another instant, the drell had disappeared from view and the second human Spectre was left to protect the Council on his own.

\----------------------------

Even in his weakened state, Thane was more than capable of maneuvering past all of Cerberus soldiers without being seen. He hated leaving Kaidan like that, but with one Councilor missing it made more sense for them to split up to hasten the search.

He knew the C-Sec offices in Zakera Ward would be the best place to start looking. If anything Bailey might still be there and could help Thane to better pinpoint where Councilor Valern may have gotten off to. He still owed Bailey a favor for helping Kolyat stay out of prison, but he was sure that could be repaid another day soon.

The drell padded along the upper catwalks with his head lowered but then paused as something strange caught his eye. A glint of metal against black was moving on another part of the catwalks towards C-Sec as well. He crossed his arm to pull the pistol on his hip and knelt down. The figure paused at a door and seemed to look around before he or she darted through and out of view. Thane could easily tell that this individual had Spec Ops training by that signature movement alone, but their attempt to stay well-hidden meant he or she had other… skills as well.

Thane slowly removed his hand from his pistol and continued on his stealthy journey toward the C-Sec offices. For the most part, Zakera Ward was being left alone since it was mostly shops which gave him a small sense of relief. He only saw a handful of commandos marching with assault rifles and more or less hurdling the crowds down the walkway towards the Turian embassies.

Once he reached the entrance to C-Sec, he caught three troopers huddled at Bailey’s computer. Thane knew very well that Bailey had a nearly impossible passcode on that thing due to how often he’d visited there with Kolyat. He waited for the perfect moment, and then silently jumped down behind the middle figure.

One had his neck snapped, another had the drell’s pistol go off right in his face, and the last barely had time to raise his rifle before it was grabbed and shot right back at him in the chest. It was only then that all three figures hit the floor with a loud clank. Thane smiled at the accomplishment and then clasped his hands in a silent prayer to Kalahira for forgiveness.

His prayer was interrupted by a beep on Bailey’s computer. A call coming in by someone who apparently knew how to get a hold of the Commander directly. Bailey’s passcode may be difficult to decipher, but Thane had figured it out months ago. He typed in the code and was a bit surprised to hear the voice of a rather worried Joker on the other end.

“Oh finally. Hey yeah this is Joker. Glad to finally get a response down there. Can you help us out, Bailey?”

Thane opened the com, “This is Thane. Commander Bailey isn’t here.”

“Uh huh. Yeah no kidding. Good to hear your voice, Thane. We’re just trying to land and can’t seem to get clearance.”

It seems that Cerberus were smarter than the assassin previously thought. With a purse of his lips he asked, “Is Shepard there with you? I need to speak with him. It’s very important.”

Joker's voice was then heard apparently talking to someone else. That someone else being John Shepard. "Commander, there's a communication from Thane. He says it's important. I think you'll want to hear this." 

Soon there was that familiar baritone emitting from the background. “Put him through.”

Thane let out a breath of relief as he was soon on the Normandy's bridge speaker, “Shepard. The Citadel is under attack. Cerberus troops are everywhere, and they appear to be in control of the docks.”

A pause and then Shepard asked, “Are you safe?”

He looked around and then ducked behind the desk as he spied more civilians being escorted past by white armored troops. “No. I had to evade some of their commandos at the hospital.” He purposely omitted the fact that Kaidan had been there with him.

“Did Kaidan make it out?” The concern in the Commander’s words was very apparent.

Dammit. Thane balled his hand into a tight fist for a moment. He still had the taste of the Major’s skin on his lips and the smell of damp hair permeating his thin nostrils. After a chilling pause he finally answered, “We got separated. He said he had to protect the Council. I had just gotten to C-Sec headquarters when you called.”

“Why are you even at C-Sec headquarters, Thane?”

“It’s been compromised, and C-Sec’s response depends on it. As long as Cerberus holds the headquarters, they have the station. I just happen to be doing a little recon of my own right now.” Thane suddenly had to concentrate as his lungs felt like they were on fire. The exertion from earlier was finally starting to take its toll.

Shepard could then be heard saying, “Alright Joker. Get us away from the docks and close to C-Sec HQ. We’ll deploy the shuttle.”

The drell closed the channel and gripped his chest as he checked a few more files to further pinpoint Valern's whereabouts. Just as his finger re-locked the screen, a loud explosion burst forth from the direction of the landing pad.

Commander Shepard always knew how to make an entrance.


	10. Three Councilors and a Spectre Walk into an Elevator...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan escorts the asari, turian and human Councilors as Cerberus continues to terrorize the Citadel.

“Sir? You coming?”

Kaidan quickly blinked as he heard the turian’s voice behind him.

He needed just a few seconds to center himself after he and Thane parted ways. Stay focused, the drell had said. A lesson that he’d been telling the Major all along. With his grip tightening on his pistol, Kaidan quickly turned and rushed along to follow the two C-Sec officers down the hidden hallway.

The three of them briskly turned left and then right, passing a pair of keepers just strolling along as if nothing was happening. Soon they reached another door with a keypad and Kaidan quickly tapped his code into it before it opened. Inside the small room, Udina, Sparatus and Tevos were waiting. The fact that Udina was pacing around like a caged dog caused the Major a brief pause.

“Alenko?” Udina stopped mid-step and shot a glance to the door as it opened. “What are you doing here?”

“Saving your lives.” Kaidan nodded a silent ‘thanks’ to the two turians and then tilted his head that he could take things from here. “It’s not safe here. We need to move.”

Both the asari and turian councilors didn’t need any more reason than that, so they quickly moved out of the room and behind Kaidan to make ready. Udina squinted his eyes at the biotic but eventually decided to follow along as well as this option was a whole lot better than being cooped up in that small space for much longer.

As the C-Sec men ran off, Kaidan asked, “Where’s the next closest safe room?”

“There’s one not far from C-Sec…” Sparatus started to say.

Tevos interrupted with a shake of her head, “No good. If Cerberus is smart, they’ll have gone to C-Sec first. We need to head to the Presidium. There’s a secret elevator we can take to a pad with a sky-car.”

Udina grunted and rubbed his face with his hand, “But we have to take a second elevator to even get there. We’ll be exposed.”

“It’s better than just standing around here,” Kaidan interjected. “Come on. Let’s move.”

The four of them turned and rapidly walked through another series of left and right turns before they hit a lone elevator. The Major moved all three councilors inside before he caught something out the corner of his eye. A strange flicker against the wall suddenly appeared to be moving closer, and caused Kaidan to take a defensive stance with his pistol raised.

He felt a brisk puff of air try to move past him and he quickly turned with a Reave to attack whomever or whatever it was. A bright blue bolt shot off which caused the assailant to step back and appear momentarily from behind some sort of personal cloaking technology.

A woman completely covered head to toe in black and white armor was suddenly there with a small straight sword pulled behind her back. As she hopped onto her feet, Kaidan watched as an all too familiar blue light surrounded her form. She was not only an assassin who could cloak, but a biotic one at that.

The Major responded in kind with his own Barrier and got up on the balls of his feet in anticipation for the nameless woman’s assault. He watched her attempt to cloak once more but managed to abort the action with his omni tool lighting up and a swift Overload shot right to her abdomen.

While that didn’t completely remove her Barrier, it did seem to aggravate her enough that she jumped over Kaidan’s head to land behind him. Her sword twisted around as she darted forth to stab his lower spine. Unfortunately she couldn’t have expected an Alliance officer in medium armor to promptly spin out of the way like he did and then twist with a side kick to knock her off balance. The assassin, now further away than before, cloaked quickly to deal with this defender once and for all.

A quick brush against his shoulder plate made the biotic very aware of where she was, however. The altercation was soon resolved in three more moves, all made by Kaidan himself. An Overload stripped off the rest of her Barrier and cloak, a Reave then covered her in flickering blue light, and finally his gun shot once to hit her squarely in the face.

All of the Councilors watched with eyes as wide as saucers as the masked woman then fell flat to the ground; her sword clanging down next to her.

The Major stood up straight, holstered his gun and smiled just a touch as he pushed his unruly hair back into place with gloved fingers. Thane would be proud.

“What the hell was that, Alenko?” It was Udina who finally broke the awkward silence.

Kaidan shot a gaze to the elevator and then moved inside with his fist hitting the button to close it. “A woman with a sword just tried to kill you, Councilor.” He clicked his pistol to reload it with another thermal clip. "I just happen to be prepared to deal with someone like that."

“Obviously…” Sparatus on the other hand was more amused than shocked at what they’d all just witnessed.

The asari Councilor simply rolled her eyes before looking up as the elevator started its ascent.

The ride up was relatively uneventful. As the car came to a stop, Kaidan pulled up his pistol and waited for the doors to open. Once they did he peeked out and around for any more surprises. Another keeper was seen working at a data junction down the hall, but otherwise everything appeared to be safe. He waved for the Councilors to step out with his free hand and then followed behind.

The sound of gunfire from all directions made things abundantly clear that Cerberus had reached the Presidium by now. They’d have to be especially careful to not be seen at this point. A few cries echoed through the hall as no doubt the commandos were shooting civilians as a terrorist tactic.

Shit.

As much as Kaidan wanted to rush out and protect them, his priority at this very moment was to keep the Councilors from harm. He swallowed hard and continued to escort the trio along with brown eyes darting around every few seconds.

Through an open doorway, they could all see the sheer chaos that had been unleashed. Bodies of civilians and C-Sec alike were scattered in shops, along the walkway, and even draped across the various bits of flora from Earth that Udina had authorized to be planted only a few months before.

This was turning into a bloodbath. The Major had to close his eyes and breathe deeply to keep his composure. They couldn’t linger here too long before a wandering trooper would see them. His hand rose to direct the Councilors to press on. They’d have time to bury the dead later.

The second elevator was behind a series of small shops. Each of them carefully ducked between buildings, trying to remain out of view.

One shop in particular caused Tevos to do a double take. She paused and stared up at the sign with bold, pink letters which read, THIS ONE’S INTIMATE APPAREL. “By the Goddess. Since when do the hanar sell undergarments?” she quipped in quiet tones.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

“Ask them later when we don’t have Cerberus trying to kill us,” Udina said in retort as he was no doubt getting more and more aggravated by the delay.

Despite their current situation, Kaidan couldn’t help but chuckle at the exchange. “Come on. The elevator should be just over there, I think.”

All four of them darted past one more shop and then around the corner to a hidden door across from the regular elevators. Sparatus made it there first and so tapped in his code on a small keypad that flipped open with a latch. A few seconds later the doors opened and each Councilor rushed inside.

The Major looked around one more time and then stepped backwards inside. It was only once the doors closed that he was able to flop against the wall and take a real breath. “Which floor is it?”

“Eighty-second,” Udina said as he punched the buttons. “The sky-car is just down a small hallway. It’s secluded enough that I doubt Cerberus has found it.”

The elevator briskly began to climb with the four of them inside towards the pad. They stood there in a somewhat comfortable silence and simply waited with anxiety for the car to reach its destination.

Too bad that didn’t last very long as faint noises of more gunfire could be heard somewhere in the elevator shaft. Kaidan quickly snatched his pistol and pulled it to his shoulder with his finger ready on the trigger.

“As if things couldn’t get any worse,” he muttered.

A couple more shots were heard as the biotic nodded for the Councilors to huddle together across from him.

They all then looked up in surprise at the loud thunk as something… or someone landed on the roof.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The picture is from one of my own screenshots. It's a blink and you'll miss it spot amidst all the shooting on the Presidium, but even I did a double take when I finally found it.


	11. Checkmate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thane, Shepard and company track down Councilor Valern with Commander Bailey's help. Unfortunately a certain Cerberus agent also has the same goal.

Thane managed to sneak away from C-Sec headquarters without being spotted. With a general idea where the Councilor could be, he now just had to get there before Cerberus did.

He padded back up to the catwalks just before his omni tool beeped. The drell ducked down and tapped it open with a whisper, “Shepard?”

“Thane! We’ve found Bailey. Shot in the gut but he’s alive. We’re working our way in. I’m patching you through so we can coordinate everything here.” The Commander sounded a bit winded but otherwise alright.

Thane scooted into one of the side rooms and crouched behind a stack of crates as he continued to listen in. With that other assassin in black also running about, he knew he had to be extra cautious.

Soon his tool lit up again with Bailey’s voice on the other end. The C-Sec Commander was tenacious that’s for sure. Despite his injuries, that thick Ontario accent still sounded as strong as Thane remembered.

“Here we go. C-Sec network access, courtesy of Cerberus.”

“How's that gonna help?” Shepard asked.

“Cerberus has control of the main channels, but I can set up a new one. Without it our people have no plan and no chance.”

The assassin closed his eyes and smiled. This was one of many reasons why Armando-Owen Bailey was the best man for the job to replace Pallin as C-Sec’s COO. He was very astute and able to think quickly on his feet. As much as he’d joked about being a ‘gloried doorman’, Bailey had done more for C-Sec in 2 years than Pallin had in 10. Whatever opinion the general populace had about humans, the new C-Sec Commander was a good man.

A loud beep emitted from Thane’s hand before he heard Bailey once more, “Helloooo.”

“What’ve you got?” Shepard’s voice was crisp as he was no doubt trying to stay focused.

“A warning from Councilor Valern. He's supposed to be here, meeting with the executor.” Some more beeping. No doubt Bailey was typing in a few inquiries and then, “‘This move may provoke retaliation...’ Well that's an understatement. If he's inside, he's in trouble.”

Shepard’s next question mirrored exactly what Thane was thinking. “Why would the Councilor be meeting with the executor?”

“Usually it means someone big's about to be prosecuted. I’m guessing that ‘someone’ had Cerberus friends.”

The drell shifted a bit on his toes as he continued to listen. Salarians have always been excellent with Intel, so it didn’t surprise him in the slightest that Valern had caught wind of some disturbing news and wanted to have it handled as quickly as possible.

“The Councilor mentioned Udina... but that's insane. Does he even have this kind of pull?”

Garrus. Thane could identify the turian’s gruffly voice anywhere. As former C-Sec himself, having Vakarian along would make their operation a whole lot easier.

Bailey piped up soon after, “Well you know who'd have the answer to that? The Councilor.”

Obviously. Now all they needed was a location.

“One Councilor is better than zero. Where am I headed?” The click of a gun being reloaded between Shepard’s determined words.

“The Councilor could still be in the executor's office. It's a fairly defensible position.” Bless you, Garrus. It was one of Thane’s intended destinations from his initial search. Too bad it was on the complete opposite side of the Ward. It would take some time to get there even from his current position.

The assassin sucked in a large breath of air and grimaced at the pain as he stood back up to his feet. If he started now he could probably get there by the time Shepard arrived. With pistol held between his fingers, Thane stepped out onto the next catwalk and moved at a hurried pace towards their destination.

He still had the Commander on com as he soon heard, “Thane! Did you hear all that?”

Thane kept moving, ducking between fallen debris and dodging any commandos that may have thought to look up. “Yes…” he said breathlessly. “I'm nearing the building but running is difficult. I'll try to get to you.”

“Acknowledged. We’ll meet you there.” And then the drell’s omni tool went silent.

Shepard and his accomplices reached the office before Thane. He chalked it up to three well-armed assailants shooting their way there as opposed to one using a more stealth approach. When he did finally arrive, he overheard part of the Commander’s conversation, presumably with Bailey still on the other end.

“…they got the executor and two salarian bodyguards.”

From the way the guards and the turian executor’s bodies were lain out, Thane knew exactly what had happened. Small green and blue blood pools near each of their necks were the tale-tell sign of throats being slit with swift precision. The figure in black was close, and he knew to keep an eye out.

Shepard turned as he seemed to hear a noise from the office below them. Soon they all saw Valern uncloak and slowly stand from behind a desk. At the very least they had confirmed that Councilor was still alive.

Unfortunately another had caught this brisk cacophony as well. Thane quickly spotted Kai Leng padding along the railing with a sword curled behind his back. The human male’s footsteps made no sound which further confirmed the drell’s suspicions. As the other assassin silently jumped down in front of the Councilor, both Shepard and Thane instantly sped into action.

The Commander’s tactic was how he usually did things. A pistol was shot to break the glass in front of him before the man jumped down to stop Leng from continuing his pursuit.

Thane on the other hand slowly made his way along another railing and then hopped down to immediately hide behind a set of filing cabinets nearby.

Shepard kept his gun pointed directly toward the ebony-clad man just as Garrus and another human male ran up behind him. This other male had darker skin than Kaidan’s with his hair pulled up into an odd style once described to Thane as a ‘mohawk’. Jagged tattoos on his neck could be glimpsed peeking out from under the collar of his heavy armor. He also appeared to be heavier built than the Commander which was noticeable even with the armor.

Soon a trio of weapons were pointed at this assassin as Kai Leng jumped up and then behind the Councilor. His hand lifted with parted fingers in preparation with a biotic charge.

“Don’t even think about it!” came Shepard’s terse tone.

Valern had both hands raised complacently as he otherwise stood perfectly still, “Shepard. He’s going to kill us all!”

The Commander shook his head as he took a couple of cautious steps closer with his other hand rising to join the other grasp his gun. “That remains to be seen.”

“I mean Udina. He's staging a coup. The other Councilors are headed for a trap!”

That sentence immediately made Thane’s body stiffen as he now realized the Major and the others were in danger.

“Three on one, pal. It’s over.” Shepard was still maneuvering forwards with his eyes sharp and his posture on the offensive.

“No…” Leng’s lips finally spoke as they lifted into a confident smirk. “Now it’s fun…”

The drell’s form then moved almost on instinct from behind the cabinets and his hand smoothly withdrew his weapon. The only way anyone even knew he was there was by the loud buzz from the 5M pistol as it unfolded and aimed straight for the other assassin’s head.

This man was good, but Thane was better. A few blows and gun shots later, the drell had managed to get his opponent down to the floor with a biotic Throw. He stepped over and picked up his pistol from where it fell and reloaded it slowly before pointing it again at Kai Leng. He thought of Kaidan as he knew he’d need to warn him about Udina.

Leng grunted and then lunged forwards with a biotic attack which Thane quickly dodged with a sideways summersault. The next thing he felt was a sharp pain directly to his gut as the other assassin then slowly pulled his sword back out covered in blood.

Shit.

“Thane!” Shepard shouted before quickly following the Cerberus agent down the stairs. Thane gritted his teeth hard and grasped the wound with a hand as he flopped down to the floor. There was already blood on the floor as he knew his condition would cause it to drain faster than usual.

Garrus paused as James continued on after Shepard and their target. “I’ve got you, Krios. Stay with me, got it?” The turian propped Thane up in order to get him back on his feet. The drell welcomed the assistance from his friend and then limped along with him down the steps.

Leng managed to jump on top of a sky-car as they made it to the landing pad and spun his sword in the air with a smug smile before it sped off. The sounds of two pistols shooting wildly in vain were heard before Shepard finally turned to see Thane slowly sliding down the wall to the floor. The Commander’s face contorted with worry as he knelt down. “How bad is it?”

Thane’s own features couldn’t hide just how much pain he was experiencing at that very moment, but there were more important things to worry about right now. “I have time. Catch him, Shepard.” As John began to rise back to his feet, the drell caught a shoulder quickly with his grasp, “Kaidan is with them.”

Shepard paused and stared at Thane for a few seconds as he silently processed those words. As he finally stood, a hand went to his earpiece, “Thane needs medical help fast, and I need to take care of an assassin.”

Soon after the Commander, Garrus, and James swiftly walked towards a hacked sky-car and jumped inside.

“Get the word out,” Shepard shouted to Bailey on the other end of his com as he revved up the engine. “Udina's trying to seize power and I've got to get to the Councilors.”

All Thane could do now was wait for the medical car to arrive and pray to Arashu that Kaidan and the other Councilors would be safe.

\----------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I sadly decided for Thane to still get mortally wounded by Kai Leng because Kaidan is ultimately meant to end up with Shepard.  
> Don't worry, though! Thane will still appear in flashbacks, etc so don't count him out just yet.


	12. Questions of Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spectre Alenko and the Councilors are suddenly cornered as things don't go according to plan for any of them.

“That was a person!” The Asari Councilor immediately ducked down at the sound coming from up above.

It only made sense as they had already heard the other gunfire while on route. Luckily since it was just the one noise, it could only be singular person that had touched down, at least so far.

Kaidan immediately lifted his pistol upwards with one hand and shouted, “Get down!” Four warning shots went skywards to hopefully spook whoever was up there. That seemed to do the trick as whomever it was shuffled away from each shot fired.

Finally the car finished its climb and Udina hastily punched the button for the doors to open.

“Go! I’ll cover you.” Kaidan briskly waved each of the Councilors through with his free hand. His eyes and pistol remained focused on the roof just in case their assailant still had any ideas of falling through. Once all three had made it down the hall to the other door, he finally turned to follow.

The hallway doors slid apart with Tevos the first one to scurry through and Sparatus not far behind. Udina and finally Kaidan rushed through but the sight they came across was not the one they’d expected.

“Well, so much for that plan.” Udina snarled as all four them soon spied the C-Sec shuttle engulfed in flames and in absolutely no condition to fly.

“I thought you said this pad was secluded…” Kaidan rubbed his brow with the side of his gun in utter frustration. “Cerberus must have somehow taken out the shuttle.” He looked all around for any other means of escape, and unfortunately found none save for the direction they’d just come from.

“Everyone back to the elevator. Move!” But then as the Major turned, he was suddenly staring at three new figures in his path with guns drawn.

Blue eyes met honey brown as the latter pair widened in shock. “Shepard!?”

The last person Kaidan expected to show up here was the Commander. He also recognized Garrus just to Shepard’s right garnishing an assault rifle. To the left was Lieutenant James Vega, all decked out in heavy armor and a shotgun between both gloved hands. Kaidan drew up his pistol with confusion clear upon his face as he watched the fellow Spectre aim back with his own. “What’s going on?”

“Look at this.” The disgust in Udina’s words as he spoke was palpable. “Shepard is blocking our escape. He’s with Cerberus!”

The biotic didn’t lower his weapon, but somehow knew that couldn’t be true. John professed that he wasn’t with them anymore. He denied it multiple times while they were on Mars and tried so hard to further convince Kaidan at the hospital. There had to be some other reason why Shepard still had a weapon firm in his grasp and held at ready to shoot.

“Just… hang on,” the Major said calmly. He inhaled deeply endeavoring to maintain composure. This was no time to panic. “I got this. Everyone calm down.”

While both men kept their pistols raised, Shepard’s firm pose diminished with just a touch of anguish. “I can explain this, Kaidan.” His voice softened, almost pleading.

“Come on, Shepard.” Kaidan swallowed hard but refused to relinquish his own stance just yet. “Gun drawn on a Councilor?” He shook his head slightly with a worried expression of his own creeping upon his face. “Kinda looks bad.”

Seeing as the Major did have a point, Shepard gestured a silent order for both of his compatriots to dip their weapons towards the ground. Garrus appeared to be a bit unsure at the command, but lowered his rifle nonetheless. James was more hesitant to do so until the turian shot him a warning glance, and soon after followed suit.

Those soft blue eyes soon shifted over Kaidan’s shoulder to Udina as his voice was once again firm, “We don't have time to negotiate. You've been fooled, all of you.” A finger shot out directly towards the human Councilor. “Udina’s behind this attack. The salarian Councilor confirmed it.”

The Major frowned faintly as so many scenarios were thundering through his mind all at once. Somehow, though, he knew that the Commander was right. Udina had been slightly on edge this whole time.

“Please…” the Councilor snorted and shook his head. He then took long challenging strides towards the first human Spectre as if presuming he’d be suitably protected by the second. “You have no proof. You never do!”

Shepard remained focused on Udina even as his hand emphatically pointed at the door behind him. “There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator behind us. If you open that door, they'll kill you all!”

Tevos, having watched all of the tension building between each of the humans in the room, had finally resorted to stepping forward to offer her own opinion. “We’ve mistrusted Shepard before and it didn’t help us. Perhaps we should fully assess the situation before we all throw around accusations.”

“We don’t have time to debate this,” Udina protested as he seemed to realize that he was on his own here. Feet swiftly spun around and stomped over to the panel by the disabled vehicle. “We’re dead if we stay out here. I’m overriding the lock.”

If Cerberus really were on their way, then shit would hit the fan and the Councilors would be in even worse danger. They were boxed in and the four soldiers present could only handle so many. Kaidan gripped his pistol just a hair tighter with eyes still on the Commander and murmured “I better not regret this…” The same weapon was then calmly turned behind him.

“You won’t.” The Major did manage to catch John’s warm smile from the corner of his eye which made his stomach flutter.

“Udina. Step away from the console,” was said with an authoritative tone as he stepped closer to protect the other two Councilors.

Tevos, still apparently attempting to calm everyone down walked over and held out an arm to Udina. “Councilor. Is this truly worth the lives of everyone on the Citadel, let alone the galaxy?”

“I’m saving human lives! Not that you would even care.” He nearly spat at the woman as a pistol appeared from underneath his tunic. “To hell with this!” The gun curled around to aim directly at the asari.

“He’s got a gun!” Kaidan crouched in front of Sparatus so that he wouldn’t be next.

Shepard and his squad also quickly re-aimed their respective weapons as they all waited for the human Councilor’s next move.

Udina growled and forcefully pushed Tevos away. As the man’s finger pressed against the trigger, his normally off-white tunic was suddenly covered in red. His form staggered backwards with blood bubbling from his lips then both man and weapon were on the floor.

Just about everyone present was stunned that the human Councilor was now a corpse. Everyone except for Kaidan, who still had his weapon held fast in both hands and pointed in the direction that Udina had stood at only moments before. Shepard was the first to finally move and quickly made his way over to the older man before placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder, “Kaidan?”

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

The Major was just staring at the dead Councilor with almost dead eyes and a furrowed brow. Only when he felt Shepard’s hand did he finally lower his pistol and speak with a sideways glance, “Yeah. I’m good.”

“Uh… Commander?” Vega suddenly spoke up as both he and Garrus dashed away from the bright orange sparks sliding down the middle of the double doors. Shepard quickly turned and both he and the biotic once again raised their weapons in anticipation.

Luckily it wasn’t Cerberus, but instead Bailey and the two turian C-Sec officers who followed in behind him.

“Bailey?” Now it was Shepard’s turn to be surprised.

The C-Sec Commander couldn’t help but smirk at John’s reaction. “Made it as fast as we could, Shepard.” As his gun was placed back at his hip, Bailey couldn’t help but notice the former Councilor’s body on the floor. “Though it looks like you, uh... took care of things.”

Garrus mused while throwing his rifle back over his shoulder, “Just like old times…”

That caused the first and second human Spectres to simultaneously eye the turian with a “Since when?” in perfect unison. Spirited laughter soon followed from both men followed by gentle smiles and then James of all people loudly clearing his throat in an attempt bring them back to reality.

“Something’s not right,” the asari Councillor said quickly as she walked up to Bailey, wringing her hands nervously. “You said Cerberus was targeting us. Where did their soldiers go?”

Bailey nodded, “Cerberus was right here, but they beat feet into the keeper tunnels when they figured out we were coming. Sorry, Councilor. I'll say it plain. Shepard just saved the lot of ya.”

“Then you have saved my life twice now,” Sparatus finally said as he walked over to Shepard and offered his hand in thanks. “I now owe you both a personal debt and one on behalf of Palaven.”

The Commander grasped the turian Councilor's hand with his own. “You don’t owe me anything, Councilor. In times like these, we all need to stand together.”

Sparatus nodded before glancing over towards Udina, his mandibles twitching in what could only be described as disgust. “Commander. Do you have any idea why Cerberus would even do something like this?”

Shepard released the Councilor’s hand while keenly shaking his head. “Honestly? No. But I plan to find out.”

The two other C-Sec officers then wandered closer. “Sorry to interrupt but um… we need to get the Councilors to safety. If… that’s ok with you, Spectre Alenko.”

Hearing those words made John’s face just beam with mirth even as Kaidan was suddenly all but blushing toward the turians.

“Oh... Yes I officially place them under your care. Thank you, gentleman.” Even after all this time the older man still had the uncanny ability to be so solemn one moment and adorable the next.

Bailey waved his hands around as he scooted everyone out of here. “Alright people. Principals are being evacuated. We’ve now got a tunnel and million more places to secure. Move it!”

The Commander paused for a moment and gave Kaidan a silent gaze as if wondering where he’d be headed to next.

“I’ll uh… I’ll catch up with you later, eh?” The Major nervously ran his fingers through his loose hair once more as he rapidly walked past to the elevator.

Azure eyes and a raised brow followed the other man before John simply nodded and let him be.

Kaidan had a promise to keep first before anything else could move forward.


	13. I Will Carry You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thane & Kaidan are forced to say goodbye...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this Chapter is from the song, 'Carry You' sung by Ruelle & Fleurie. The lyrics reflect both Thane & Kaidan and their support for each other perfectly. I also may have listened to it multiple times in preparation for this scene and used more than a few tissues to dab tears while writing.

The hospital was a scurry of activity when the elevators opened and Kaidan stepped out. He knew there would be people here with new injuries, but he wasn’t prepared for just how many there were. At least the window in the Patient Lounge had been repaired relatively quickly.

His entire body was sore and grungy from a combination of lovemaking and protecting the Councilors. All he wanted to do now was take a long hot shower and then maybe a nap. The Major hadn’t even changed out of his armor yet as all of his belongings were still here, though he was pretty sure that his room probably had a new occupant by now. He waved down a nurse who happened to be running past and asked where his duffel bag may have gotten off to. Once he had a location, Kaidan smiled in thanks and then tapped his omni tool to have it transported to a hotel suite he’d already booked to rest.

The biotic then wandered back into the Impatient Wing for the other reason he was there. Stopping a few passing staff, he asked for the whereabouts of Thane. Most of the doctors just shook their head, not recognizing the name before he suddenly remembered in his exhaustion that the assassin had been staying at the hospital under an assumed name.

“He’s a patient here. A drell with Kepral’s syndrome and…” With all the other injured patients being attended to after the Coup attempt, this was going to be a lot more difficult than Kaidan initially thought.

But then another drell suddenly caught his eye. This one he immediately recognized as he’d met him a few times before. “Kolyat?” Thane’s son was unmistakable as he was pulling his jacket back on. A bandage wrapped around his lower arm gradually disappeared behind his sleeve as Kaidan walked closer. “Holy crap, did you get hurt?”

Familiar green eyes suddenly turned as Kolyat heard the husky voice call his name. “Major Alenko. It’s… good to see you again.” His own voice was a little bit shaky as the coat was slowly closed with nimble fingers. “No… I’m fine. My apartment was spared during the attack.” He then glanced to another Impatient Room. “I had to donate blood for my father.”

Kaidan’s expression shifted to one of despair while his eyes followed the drell’s, “Is he…?”

“He just got out of surgery, but…” Kolyat then silently shook his head as if to confirm that the results were not optimistic.

A gloved hand then rested upon the young man’s knee if only to offer him just a little bit of comfort. “Is there any way I can see him?”

Kolyat smiled just a little to the Major. “I think… he would enjoy the company. I should probably take a break and get some food after all this blood work, anyways.” He hopped down off the exam table and rolled his shoulders a bit. “They say a full stomach helps with the lightheadedness.”

“Sure… I’ll stay with him until you get back.” Kaidan helped the other drell to his feet and then turned with a heavy sigh to see what had become of his close friend.

The assassin had an oxygen mask on and an IV hooked up to his left arm. He was on his back with his other hand resting on his chest. Eyes were closed and remained so even as the door opened. A weak smile could be seen from underneath the mask as if he already knew who his visitor was. “Siha…”

“Hey…” came Kaidan’s response with a soft timber that still made Thane’s body quiver. Calloused hands were quickly tugged free of their gloves then grasped Thane’s right hand with a small chuckle. “You look like shit, by the way.”

The drell emitted a grunt from underneath the mask. “So do you.”

The Major chuckled and reached over to tenderly tug the mask off of Thane’s face. “You didn’t even look.”

Thane coughed a couple of times as he clung to Kaidan’s hand as best as he could. “I take it by the fact you’re here in one piece means that things went well on your end.”

The biotic leaned in a bit closer. “The Councilors are safe, Sere. Turns out it was Udina who was behind this whole fucked up mess.” Brown eyes closed tight. “I should have known.”

“You already had suspicions, Siha. Valern had them too.” The drell finally opened his eyes and lifted his other hand to brush along Kaidan’s cheek. “He is now safe as well but it came at a cost.”

The man leaned into the touch as his own hand was soon on top of Thane’s. “What happened?”

“Cerberus sent their own assassin. A man in all black.” Another couple of struggled coughs caused his hands to fall and then cover his mouth. “He managed to stab me during our altercation. He caught that I was… weakened and took advantage.”

The Major swallowed hard as his shoulders sank. “I’m so sorry. If I hadn’t… if we hadn’t… I mean…”

Thane immediately turned his gaze to Kaidan with brisk words, “No. There is no blame to be given to you or for what happened between us.” The assassin’s head soon after rolled back on his pillow, looking up at the ceiling as he smiled peacefully.

{“Two bodies desperately cling to one another… meeting to dissolve their pain within sparks of passion… their souls combine for just the briefest of moments… conceiving the most beautiful of metamorphoses…”}

“You gave me a gift, Siha. One more magnificent memory to cherish in what little time I have left.”

A single tear glided down Kaidan’s cheek even as he managed a warm smile of his own. “You still haven’t told me what that word means.”

“Ah…” Thane cleared his throat. “Siha is a warrior spirit for our Goddess of Protection, Arashu. A loose translation would be… ‘tenacious protector’.” He reached his hand out again to find the other man’s. “It is a term of affection only given to one who has earned it.”

He soon felt Kaidan’s rough fingers entwine with his and squeeze. “I… I’m honored. Thank you, Sere…” Those same fingers were lifted to the biotic’s lips before he spoke again. “I just wish we’d had more time.”

“I know. However, Kalahira can be a persistent, and I have denied Her my chance to cross the sea for long enough.” He pulled his hand away from the Major’s with a reluctant sigh and then slid it inside his jacket. “I do have a gift for you as well.” What emerged was the same small bag Kaidan had seen earlier. “I meant to give this to you before but…”

The man took the pouch into his gasp and then turned it over to reveal the blindfold rolled around a small pendant of silver molded into the shape of a cricket. The eyes of the insect were inlaid with what appeared to be faceted brown topaz stones.

“I have heard that crickets are lucky in your Eastern cultures, and since your mother is…” Thane’s head sunk more into his pillow as he watched. “The eyes also reminded me of you.”

Kaidan gently rolled the soft cloth over the pendant and then slid both back inside the pouch. “It’s beautiful, Sere. I’ll treasure it.”

There were another set of rasping coughs with Thane’s entire face wincing in pain. “Kolyat will return here at any moment and you still need to rest.”

Let me go, Siha.

The words were there, but Kaidan didn’t need them to be said. As he slowly backed away he whispered, “I’ll miss you, Thane.”

The drell smiled, his eyes soon glistening with tears, “And I you.” He did manage to reach and grasp the man’s hand one last time. “Our time together was very precious, but I know that Shepard is your true soulmate and you are his.” Another squeeze and then the drell’s fingers fell away. “Promise me that you’ll make him happy, Kaidan.”

Honey eyes blinked with more tears as the biotic nodded quickly. “I-I promise. I promise.”

The door then opened and Kolyat entered saying, “I saw Commander Shepard while I was on the way back. I believe he...” His words paused as he soon noted the current state of both men in the room. “I… should have knocked.”

“No. I was ah… I was just leaving. Thank you, Kolyat.” Kaidan grasped the little bag in his hand, picked up his gloves from the floor, and gave Thane one last loving smile before he stepped out.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

The door to the Major’s hotel suite opened and the man all but threw his duffel bag inside on the floor. Each piece of his armor was shucked off at a brisk pace and his underarmor soon after with a long sigh.

With the sheer chaos he’d experienced today, Kaidan hadn’t even had the chance to slip on some briefs after he and Thane made love. Having the chance to finally walk around without armor chafing his balls was nothing short of amazing. He shrugged his dogtags off and laid them down on the bathroom counter before twisting his waist to start the brisk hot water of the shower.

Stepping in, the Major then pressed his hands against the wall and rolled his head forwards to wash the pain from his neck and shoulders. Fingers curled against the tile as he emitted a small sigh and then reached to grab a nearly washcloth and squeeze some soap onto it.

The soft fabric was such a relief after having the armor on for so long. As he rolled it over his chest and stomach, Kaidan’s was mind flooded with all of the sensations he’d felt only hours before. He could still feel the velvetly smooth scales of Thane’s skin against his own. The arousing tingle as their lips met. The way his whole body trembled as the drell’s cock entered him again and again.

Eyes closed and his head rolled back against the wall as the cloth rolled down through the downy hair between his legs. It rubbed up and down his length and then underneath and grasp each of his balls and roll them around. He choked a breath then bit his lip as he moaned and dropped the washcloth once his dick was hard enough to grasp between his fingers. The biotic swirled his thumb around the tip and then up and down with gradually increasing stokes. It didn’t take long before his hips jerked and his entire body shuddered with his orgasm.

Kaidan eventually took in a few deep breaths with his hand reaching across to grab the shampoo. Blunt fingernails rain through his thick hair then retrieved the washcloth to finish scrubbing his arms and legs. The water shut off and he reached for a nearby towel. He briskly dried his hair and torso before wrapping the towel around his waist.

The Major reached for his tags on the counter and then paused, just looking staring at both himself and the chain dangling between his fingers. Still somewhat dripping wet, he padded out into the bedroom and pulled out the small bag Thane had given him.

The pendant rolled out onto his palm and it was only then that he could really feel the weight of the little creature. Unlocking the connector clasp, Kaidan carefully slipped the silver cricket through and down until it sat right in place atop his two Alliance tags.

He smiled softly admiring how the brown eyes sparkled and then shrugged the chain over his head once more.

‘Never hide yourself’, Thane had said.

For first time in his life, Kaidan finally knew that he would never need to.


	14. A Beacon of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set before the Suicide Mission... Shepard, Tali, and Garrus reflect on memories from aboard the SR-1. That is until the conversation shifts to the subject of Kaidan Alenko. Luckily Thane is willing to help his friend by offering insight as only he can.

John was feeling more at ease now that Tali was back on the Normandy. She had been on the SR-1 when it blew, and it wasn’t until they ran into each other at Freedom’s Progress that he even was aware that she’d survived.

He sat in the mess with his hands curled around a cup of strong coffee as he listened to Tali and Garrus finally catching up about all the wild adventures they’d had with Shepard a couple of years prior. It was if nothing had changed between the two of them which was quite nice. As the turian was always so fond of saying, it was just like old times.

If only the same could be said for Shepard.

“Hey Shepard do you still remember that planet with the pyjaks?” Tali was giggling as she sat down next to Garrus.

The Commander blinked out of his revelry “You mean Eletania? Sure I do. We also found some strange Prothean artifact there when we weren’t dodging those annoying things.”

“With the way you drive I’m surprised you didn’t make said annoying things go extinct,” Vakarian quipped before chewing on some sort of dextro energy bar. “I swear Joker would’ve broken every bone if he’d ever ridden in the Mako.”

The Commander chuckled and lifted his coffee cup for a quick sip. “Yeah yeah. Laugh it up, Garrus.”

“The best part was watching Kaidan on his hands and knees trying to get the module from the little bugger who stole it. I volunteered to do it but he was so insistent.” It wasn’t difficult to tell that Tali’s eyes were watering as she was full-on laughing now at such a memory. “And the sound he made at the Geth running down the hall? I swear I had no idea a human could scream in such a high pitch.”

John’s smile faltered just a touch. “Yeah… it was a surprise to all of us I think.” He looked away and then slowly stood up. “I’d better check with Joker before we head back to the Citadel.” After placing his cup in the sink he turned and nearly bumped into Thane who had suddenly appeared in the mess as well for breakfast.

“Good morning, Shepard,” the drell said as he managed to side step the man with ease.

“Uh… yeah. Good morning, Thane.” The Commander offered a small smile of apology before briskly continuing on to the elevator.

The assassin’s attention was on Shepard as he left, but then coolly turned green eyes towards Garrus and Tali. As each set of eyelids blinked he said, “I have a distinct feeling that I missed out on something important.”

“Don’t worry, Krios. You get used to it.” The turian slowly shrugged but then gave Tali a sideways glance as he could just about feel the dead stare she was giving him. “What?”

“Forgive Garrus. He has a tendency to be cynical even at the best of times.” If only they could see how big the quarian was grinning underneath that mask. She did tear her gaze away from Garrus long enough to further explain. “We were just talking about an old friend. Kaidan.”

“Ah… one of your former squad mates?” The drell folded his hands behind his back and tilted his head inquisitively.

“Yeah well. You’ve probably heard about the trip we took to Horizon a few weeks back? Shepard and I ran into Alenko there and it… didn’t go well.” Garrus’ mandibles flexed in annoyance. “Frankly, I think the man acted like a complete ass. He barely let Shepard put a word in edgewise and then just… walked off.”

Thane nodded with lips turning downwards. “I see…” Not wanting to press the issue further he decided to grab a quick snack instead and simply return to his quarters. “Please enjoy the rest of your morning, you two.”

Tali nodded in return and then elbowed Garrus in the side, “So when are going to tell me what happened to your face, Vakarian?”

\----------------------------

A few days later, Thane was meditating on the floor when he heard the door open behind him.

“Hey Thane. Got a few minutes to talk?” It was the Commander who wandered in with a cup of hot tea in each hand.

Eyelids gracefully opened. “Of course, Shepard.” The assassin nimbly pushed himself up with both legs and then dropped into his chair just as John placed both mugs on the table. “Ah, thank you.” Green hands clasped the cup in front of him and pulled it up to his lips soon after.

The Commander offered a small smile in return. “You’re welcome.” He took a long, deep breath as his elbows were soon resting on the table and hands clasped together. “Garrus told me that you asked the other day… about Horizon.”

The drell nodded his head in the affirmative as a brow raised. “I was simply curious. He also mentioned that the conversation between you and Kaidan was quite unpleasant.”

John snorted as one hand reached down to grip his mug and bring it up to his lips while speaking. “It was more him shouting at me than a real conversation.”

“From what I have gathered, this man was crucial member of your original crew?”

“Well he was the SR-1’s Staff Lieutenant and initially part of Captain Anderson’s crew, but yes.” Shepard’s thumb rolled around the lip of his mug as his eyes drifted to look towards the weapons racks nearby.

Thane followed the Commander’s gaze. “Were you two close?”

The man subtly shrugged his shoulders. “We were all close. I mean it’s what happens when you work with others on a small ship like this. You eventually build up a comradery with everyone on board, you know?”

“So I’ve noticed,” Thane commented dryly. “I am still getting used to it after working on my own for so long.”

“Yeah…” Shepard then actually snickered a bit. “I still remember when we’d wander around places and Kaidan would have the most random thoughts. Like for instance, we were trying to talk with this turian business man, Lorik, at Port Hanshan on Noveria. We needed his parking pass to go after Matriarch Benezia. Apparently Lorik had a thing for asari or something as he mentioned her wearing a suit got everyone at the station all hot and bothered.” He brought a hand up to his face in embarrassment. “And then Kaidan says, ‘Well it does sound like something you’d find on an extranet fetish site.’ Liara and I just… stared at him. Oh and Benezia was Liara’s mother, by the way.” John was now giggling into his palm. “When he finally noticed us, Kaidan just responds with most innocent ‘What?’ I’d ever heard and I couldn’t help but crack up.” The man’s eyes were all but drenched at this point as he tried to control his laughter. “Poor Liara. I mean can asari even blush? I swear she had to have been.”

Thane listened to the whole story while smiling gently over his tea. “He sounds like a rare person with an amusing personality. One whom you truly enjoyed being around.”

Shepard cleared his throat and took a huge gulp of tea before rubbing his eyes with the heel of his other palm. “Yes well… Kaidan and I went through a lot. Me being clinically dead for two years really messed him up, though.” His expression then grew much more serious. “If our roles had been reversed? I don’t know how I’d react, honestly.”

“It is a unique situation, to be sure,” the assassin reassured.

Shepard looked towards Thane with a lopsided smile. “You know I offered for him to join the crew here? He turned me down obviously just like Wrex and Liara did. They at least have other obligations. But Kaidan?” He took a long breath. “I could see it in his eyes that he really wanted to, but with all that anger?” He sighed. “Truthfully I’m actually relieved he said no.”

Thane titled his head questioningly as he waited patiently for Shepard to continue.

“Considering our odds for this mission? I feel better knowing that he’ll be alive with no need to experience more pain if I died again. There’s only so much sadness a person can handle.” The Commander slowly rose to his feet and moved to stare at the wall with the weapons once more.

The drell got up as well to follow as hands clasped behind him. The two of them stood in an almost comfortable silence for a long while before he finally spoke.

“When my wife was given to the sea, my mind only thought of rage. It was the only emotion I could focus on as I went after her killers one by one. After they were all dead, the rage slowly faded and there was nothing left but emptiness. I had no sadness because there was no room for it at the time…”

Shepard blinked and stared at Thane is amazement as this was the most he’d had talked about his past in a while. “And now?”

“Now I seek solace. I simply wish to leave the galaxy in a better state while I am still able.” Thane turned fully towards the Commander. “There will be always darkness out there attempting to surround us all. What the galaxy needs is strong individuals who are willing to fight it and provide a beacon of light for others to follow.”

The drell paused again, giving some extra thought to his words. “Give Kaidan some time, Shepard. When he is ready, he will find his own beacon.”

The Commander smiled warmly with his eyes almost glistening once more. “Thanks Thane. I appreciate it.” Then he glanced over his shoulder at the two mugs, “Though I think our tea is getting cold.”

“Ah such a pity to waste such fine refreshment… and the company that comes along with it.” Thane waved a hand towards the chairs. “Shall we?”

\----------------------------


	15. And So My Heart Became a Void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Kaidan is suddenly injured on Mars, Shepard questions his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another musical inspiration for this one. 'And So My Heart Became a Void' is a song from the Solace EP by Ursine Vulpine ft. Annaca. This EP will come up quite a bit in future chapters as to me each song feels like the progression of Shepard & Kaidan's relationship. This song focuses on guilt and loss.

Shepard felt like he’d turned to stone as he watched the charred synthetic grab Kaidan by the helmet and lift him up above her head like a rag doll. The older man tried to struggle but it was no use. She was just too strong.

Finally she turned and hurled that same helmet against the side of the shuttle with almost full force.

Once…

Twice…

The Commander’s breath caught for a moment before he screamed, “Noooooooo!” at the top of his lungs and began shooting his pistol almost on instinct. It took multiple shots to the chest to get her down, and only when she finally collapsed could his legs find the will to move.

“Grab that thing.” He waved at the now unmoving assailant while running at a quickened pace towards Kaidan.

His helmet was still on, but Shepard could already see blood on his face underneath. There was a lump in his throat even he reached down in an attempt to raise his friend up and off the ground. “Come on, Kaidan. I’m gonna get you outta here.” His arms rolled underneath and tugged the Major up close to his chest. James strutted past with the synth over one shoulder and Liara limped along as fast as she could. He looked over his shoulder and then down to the man now unconscious in his arms before following the other two on board.

Once they made it to the Medbay, James slapped Eva Core’s body down on an adjacent table and the Commander laid Kaidan down on the medical bed with the tenderness of a newborn child. Liara gently reached down and tugged the helmet off, and soon everyone could see the full extent of the damage. There were already signs of bruising around the eyes and blood was smeared in both his hair and left cheek.

So much grief on John’s face as he stared down at the other man in silence.

“Kaidan needs medical attention.” Liara had bent down in an attempt to snap him out of it. When that didn’t seem to work, she bent down even further to all but block Kaidan completely from Shepard’s view. “We have to leave the Sol system.”

Shepard took a long breath while raising his hands from the bed to his hips. “I know,” he reluctantly answered.

“I’ll do what I can, but I’m not a medical doctor, Shepard.” The asari grabbed a nearby kit and opened it to at least begin some quick first aid. “The Citadel is our best chance. We can get better help for him there.”

She was right, of course. They’d left Vancouver in such a hurry that the MedBay was not even staffed at the moment. “Get us to the Citadel, Joker,” he barked up to the ship’s com.

“Roger that,” came Joker’s response and soon his whole body could feel the all too familiar sensation of the Normandy’s engines accelerating as the ship was soon on route to the Charon Relay.

“Commander.” EDI’s voice was crystal clear on the coms soon after. “I'm receiving a signal over the secondary QEC. I believe it’s Admiral Hackett.”

A gloved hand reached out but then paused as Shepard simply whispered, “Hold on, Kaidan…” His frame turned and stared at the charred form on the other table and ordered with a distinct hiss in his voice, “See what you and EDI can learn from that thing.” And finally, “Patch me through,” as he hurriedly jogged out.

“I'll forward it to the com room.”

\----------------------------

The talk with the Admiral had been a lot to process. Now they had to go to the Citadel for two reasons, and there wasn’t even a guarantee that either would succeed. Hell, the Council had been butting heads with Shepard for so long now that it was a wonder he still has Spectre status even after working with Cerberus.

“Commander.” Liara was still standing there a few feet away even as the call ended. “EDI is extracting the data from the Cerberus machine. We'll have the details to present to the Council by the time we reach the Citadel.”

John grasped the console with both hands while a distressed gaze vaguely looked in the direction of the MedBay one deck below. “And Kaidan?”

Liara’s face was full of sympathy as she answered, “I've done what I can for him, but we need to get him to a medical facility soon.”

Shepard gripped the console tighter for a moment before pushing himself away with a tactful frown. This sense of limbo was not something he was used to, and he hated every second of it. He grit his teeth and then brushed his way past Liara on his way towards the War Room.

“The Admiral's right. It's going to get worse, isn't it?” She watched him pass, unsure of what else to say or do at this point.

He did pause at the top of the stairs as if sensing the asari’s own uneasiness and looked back. “Unless we stop the Reapers. Yeah it will.”

Liara followed along finally with her hands slightly fidgeting in front of her. “I've looked at the data. The weapon could be the answer, if we can build it. But… I get the sense you don't quite believe it, though.”

The Commander shook his head helplessly as his own blue eyes met hers. “You didn't see what they did to Earth. How's one weapon supposed to stop them?”

Liara gave an exasperated shrug in response. “What other options do we have, Shepard? You know we can't win this conventionally.”

John grimaced as he had no intention to snap at her. Vancouver. Mars. Kaidan. All of this happening in just one day. This wasn’t a good beginning. He managed to look off to the side with a troubled expression as his hand rose up to rub along his lower jaw.

Liara immediately softened and took a step closer. She didn’t need to meld with him to determine just how much the Commander was feeling... about himself and more importantly about the Major. Her hand rose up in a slow motion as if reminding the man what he was really fighting for. “Isn't it worth trying at least?”

John seemed to understand, at least subconsciously as he suddenly turned and wandered slowly towards the CIC. “I'm gonna go check on Kaidan. Make sure we're ready to present our findings to the Council…”

\----------------------------

Shepard had changed out of his armor to BDUs before he returned to the Medbay. He quickly grabbed a nearby stool and planted it next to the still occupied bed before setting himself down upon it.

Liara had at least managed to clean off the dried blood and done some preliminary disinfection for the cuts on Kaidan’s face, but the bruising was already much more noticeable and there was some swelling on the back of his head. The room was silent save for the slow, struggled breaths coming from the rise and fall of the older man’s chest.

Shepard smiled a touch as he caught an almost serene aspect of the biotic’s features as he lay there. His hand reached out towards Kaidan’s hair to perhaps offer just a small touch of comfort. His fingers then paused, hovering just above the other man’s greyed temple before pulling away back down to his lap.

“Stubborn asshole…” John whispered as his shoulders slumped forwards. Whether he meant himself or the Major was anyone’s guess. His chest shuddered as a hand then rose up to his face as if to shield the unconscious man in front of him from the tears that had begun to moisten his cheeks.

John’s mind wandered to one of Kaidan’s many casual comments while they were chasing Saren all around the galaxy. “I like that fountain. It’s very soothing,” he had said at the Citadel Tower after one of their more frustrating visits with the Council. Ashley would get so frustrated when he did that, but Shepard didn’t seem to mind. Even after Horizon and Mars, he now wished more than ever to have more of those little moments that make Kaidan who he is.

But now he also understood the raw emotion of being completely powerless to keep someone you care about from being hurt. How the other man must have felt as he was given the order to run to the escape pod and leave his Commander behind. Additionally, Kaidan had already experienced two and a half years of grief while John’s turmoil was still very fresh.

This beautiful man had been through so much, and didn’t deserve any of it.

John hastily wiped his eyes and then stood up from the stool. This time he finally did reach down to run his fingers over the Major’s thick hair. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you…” he whispered as he leaned down and gently brushed his lips upon his forehead.

With a deep breath soon after, Shepard slowly turned away and forced himself to walk back out.

\----------------------------


	16. The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major Alenko is finally ready to join the Normandy crew, but he and Shepard have a few things to discuss first.

Whiskey brown eyes lazily opened against the soft pillow that Kaidan’s head had fallen against after his shower. He hadn’t even bothered to throw his briefs on first as he flopped on the bed to take a nap. Only the dog tags were still around his neck as the Major’s aching body had curled under the sheets. With a long yawn, he wiped his eyes and checked his omni tool for the time.

Well so much for a nap. Kaidan apparently had been so exhausted that it was now 6 hours later. Sitting up, his fingernails scratched through messy hair as he checked his messages.

The Spectre ceremony had been cancelled, but he had been given full status in the meantime. Saving the two of the Councilor’s lives probably had something to do with that. All of the necessary paperwork and clearance protocols were now within access for him to use.

Also as expected, Udina’s office was now on lockdown and his belongings confiscated with C-Sec launching a full investigation. Even though he’d only taken over from Anderson a few months prior, the man was good at getting his hands into just about everything he could to maintain control. Kaidan was almost positive that the request to make him a Spectre was a large part of human Councilor’s ultimate goal, but that was neither here nor there now.

The Major also was relieved to see that the Normandy was still docked, so he still had time to go speak with Shepard. If anything, it was the easiest place to find the other man, as tracking him down conventionally was nigh impossible these days.

It only took Kaidan about 10 minutes to get dressed and throw some gel in his hair to finally get those damnable curls out of his face. As he packed everything back up, he peeked into his duffel and caught the sight of the TM-88 whiskey bottle Shepard had given him. Despite all the abuse his gear had endured in recent memory, the precious liquor within was still fully intact. He grinned as he rewrapped the bottle within a small blanket and stuffed both deep within and then pulled the thick canvas strings of the duffel up to close it tight.

\----------------------------

The heavy bag dropped to Kaidan’s feet as he’d made it to the airlock of the Normandy. A hip perched on the railing and turned his gaze upon the majestic sight of SR-2 through the windows. It was definitely larger than the SR-1 with blue accents instead of red, but he liked how sleek it looked. He hadn’t had a chance to take a good look last time due to running and shooting at Reapers with Lieutenant Vega in tow. Now the Major had a moment of calm to enjoy the view and simply… think.

Arms crossed over his chest as the man’s mind was soon swimming with a multitude of scenarios. He thought once more about all their conversations on Mars and at the hospital. He also thought about what Thane had made him promise and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment.

Kaidan had to make this right… somehow. For himself. For Shepard. For the entire fucking galaxy.

At the sound of the doors sliding away, brown eyes quickly opened and turned with relief as Shepard had finally made it back to the docks. The younger man appeared even more exhausted with noticeable wrinkles around the edges of those amazing blue eyes which soon met his.

Despite the fatigue, John’s face soon lit up at the sight of his friend standing there. “Kaidan. Hey… I wondered where you went. Was beginning to think you were avoiding me.”

“Sorry. I needed to take a serious breather before coming to see you.” Kaidan shrugged and then offered an apologetic grin.

“Yeah I get that. Things did get pretty intense back there.” The Commander smiled softly as he was soon leaning his right shoulder against the wall. “You alright?”

The biotic’s torso tensed a little as his own eyes eventually tore themselves away from that smile and glanced back out the window. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around what happened.”

The Commander’s head tilted just a touch as his features contorted with concern soon after. “You sound angry…”

“No, I’m not.” Kaidan gradually uncrossed his arms and stood up straight. “Just not used to staring down the gun of someone I’ve worked with so closely, ya know?” Hands then dropped behind his back as the older man began to pace; a habit he’d adopted thanks to a certain drell.

Shepard’s eyebrows arched upwards as he watched from his spot along the wall. “Talk to me, then. Let me have it.”

“If I hadn’t backed down first,” the Major spoke as his feet paused. “I feel like you would have taken me out if the situation called for it.” He then went mute, completely lost in the younger man’s eyes once more. Suddenly he was also envious that hanar didn’t have them.

John pursed his lips as if somewhat disappointed that Kaidan had even thought of that possibly. “Never would have happened,” he answered. “I trusted you and knew you’d make the right decision.” He then smirked a little as those same blue eyes took on a mischievous twinkle. “Besides I would never have heard the end of it from Garrus if I missed.”

Kaidan huffed a quick laugh and seriously fought the urge to punch the man’s upper arm. “Seriously, though. Sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard.” He turned away to look out the docking bay window. “Especially later when you have to live with yourself because of what you’ve done.”

Shepard’s smile then faltered. “You talking about what happened with Udina?”

“No not just that it’s…” Kaidan looked down then with a sigh as his fingers gripped the nearby railing. “It’s like trying to tell yourself that you acted… with integrity. That it matters…”

The Commander soon pushed himself away from the wall and began to close the gap between them with slow steps. “Kaidan. Do you think he would have even come quietly?” A hand was then on the biotic’s right shoulder. “He gave you no choice. You had to take the shot.” Fingers lightly squeezed which caused their eyes to meet yet again. “I saw the whole thing. You did act with integrity, alright?” John’s voice had dropped to almost to a whisper as he gave the Major an affectionate nod.

Suddenly, Kaidan’s left hand crossed over his chest and rested atop those gentle fingers. A pair of simple gestures that perhaps neither of them had fully expected. He followed that up with a warm smile that lingered as they stood there. “Alright… thanks.”

They enjoyed a comfortable silence for long moment before finally Kaidan cleared his throat and spoke again. “Oh um… I should also mention that Hackett offered me a position with the fleet, but I’d turn it down in a second if there’s even a chance to join you on the Normandy again.”

Shepard offered a sideways grin as he nodded to the crumbled duffel bag sitting nearby. “So bringing all your stuff with you was just wishful thinking?”

Kaidan almost blushed as his fingers finally pulled away only to rub the along back of his neck a moment later. “Yeah well…”

John chuckled and shook his head. “Couldn’t imagine facing the Reapers without you, Kaidan.”

The Major then let out a long sigh of relief before he extended his hand in front of him. “Thank you, Commander.” As they clasped hands he continued, “And Shepard? Just so you know… I’ll never doubt you again. I’ve got your back.”

Shepard smiled as he brought his heels together and then saluted the other man with a more formal “Welcome aboard, Major.”

Kaidan mirrored the salute with an equally ceremonial “Aye aye, Sir.” After kneeling down to pick up his bag, both Spectres turned and walked on board the Normandy with matching smiles.

\----------------------------


	17. Reflections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard gives Kaidan a formal tour of the Normandy, and then listens as the older man shares his doubts about the war.

After Kaidan had placed his gear inside an unoccupied locker in the Crew Quarters, Shepard gave him a quick tour of the ship starting with the Shuttle Bay. He’d only been there very briefly before when they were on their way to Mars, so it was nice to really get a good look.

James was cleaning a few rifles on the weapons table while Steve was taking inventory of thermal clips in a few small boxes nearby. Of course the two men were in the middle of yet another one of their humorous conversations.

“Esteban. Seriously man. Look at it…” James raised both arms and pointed two fingers each towards the long, empty corridor of the bay in front of them. “Two perfect bowling lanes.”

Steve looked up and squinted off in the same direction. “Oh sure.” He then gave Vega a smug grin and placed a hand on his hip. “But what if we hit some turbulence during a game?”

It was like watching one of those old vaudeville comedy films, and Shepard couldn’t help but shake his head with an amused smirk. They at least knew how to keep their duties from becoming boring, and it was also very apparent that Cortez loved teasing James on a regular basis.

Joker once commented that the two should just kiss already and get it over with. Granted he’d said something similar about John & Kaidan after Horizon happened. The Flight Lieutenant had an exceptional talent for melding wisdom within a wisecrack.

Vega let the discussion about potential recreational activities drop for now as he caught the sight of the Commander out the corner of his eye. He quickly turned towards the elevator and bowed his head in a brisk nod to both men. “Hey, Commander. Major.”

Cortez followed suit but also offered both a salute and then a hand toward the Major. “Nice to finally meet you, Sir.”

“No need to be so formal, Lieutenant.” Kaidan stepped closer and shook the Shuttle Pilot’s hand with a small smile. “Just ‘Major’ or ‘Kaidan’ is fine.”

“Yeah Blue isn’t all cocky like some other officers.” James already had a nickname for Kaidan, apparently. He just shrugged as he soon caught the other three men staring at him. “What? He has blue armor and glows blue with his… biotic… thing.” Made perfect sense to him at least.

Shepard couldn’t help but offer Vega a sideways grin even as Kaidan made a small chuckle. “Cortez is also our requisitions officer,” John further explained. “If you need anything special brought on board, he’s the man to talk to.”

The Major’s expression brightened. “How about some real coffee, eh? That sludge the Alliance gives us is better at greasing engine parts than our insides.”

Cortez barked a laugh. “Can’t argue with that. Tell you what. I know a guy who stocks genuine Kona beans from Hawaii. Luckily got some bags off Earth before the invasion. Trust me. You’ll never drink regular coffee again.”

“Thanks, Steve.” John then waved a hand and nodded back towards the elevator so that they could continue the tour.

They met up with Adams, Chakwas, Garrus and Liara, all of whom made Kaidan feel more at ease. It was almost like they were on the SR-1 again. Shepard got him up to speed about Wrex and Tuchunka. Tali was back with the Flotilla but they hadn’t heard anything new from her since John was incarcerated.

They avoided Diana Allers in case she had any crazy plans to drag the poor Major into an impromptu interview about the Coup. Kaidan did have a charming conversation with Traynor about games, stating when she asked that he preferred poker to chess.

Finally they reached the bridge where Joker and EDI were sitting.

“Kaidan! Wow, you’ve managed to make it a whole hour without shouting at Shepard,” the pilot snarked as he spun his chair around. “I call that progress.”

Speaking of wisdom within wisecracks.

“I think you’ll find that Major Alenko and the Commander have managed to… ‘bury the hatchet’, Jeff,” came the soothing female voice from the other chair. Soon after EDI rose from her seat and smiled before walking over.

Kaidan took an instinctual step back in bewilderment upon the familiar sight of his attacker on Mars. He soon felt the reassuring hand of John upon his forearm, and a large breath he didn’t even realize he was holding finally released from his chest.

EDI paused in her steps at the Major’s hesitation. “I assure you that I have no intention to cause you harm, Major. I am simply using this body as a mobile platform to better associate with the crew.”

Shepard’s thumb gently brushed along Kaidan’s arm in a further attempt to soothe the older man’s nerves. “She’s been a great addition to the team and can even come on missions with us now.”

“Yeah, I uh…” The biotic swallowed loudly before giving EDI a small smile. “It’ll just take some time to get used to. No offense.”

“None taken,” EDI offered in return. “I do hope you enjoy the rest of your tour, Major.”

\----------------------------

Eventually both men made it back to the Starboard Observation area. Shepard had understood why Samara loved this space. There was a certain tranquil feel to the room. The low hum of the engine combined with the view of the stars was just enough to drain your misery away. He just had this feeling that Kaidan would be spending a lot of time here.

The older man walked up to the window and looked out for a brief instant while leaning on the glass with his arm. “All seems so calm from here,” he mused. “Yet there are people going through hell in a million different ways… out there.”

John wandered closer, eventually stopping just a few feet away. He followed the biotic’s gaze out towards the twinkling stars outside.

“I want to be fighting alongside them,” Kaidan continued while dropping his arm and turning towards the younger man. “But… I also want to be here, ya know?”

“Sure,” John murmured in agreement as their eyes met. “You thinking of anyone specific?”

“I heard from my mom, Shepard. My dad is, ah… MIA.” Kaidan frowned faintly and let out a frustrated breath. “He’s presumed…”

He wanted more than anything to pull the Major into his arms at that moment. Tell him that he wished to help make all the pain go away. Instead all Shepard could do was stand there and offer comforting words instead. “Tell me what happened. I thought you said they got out of Vancouver.”

The biotic’s words faltered with lips quivering as he spoke. “He left Mom at the orchard and reported for active duty. It’s all we know, but it’s… it’s enough.” He fought back tears as fingers curled up into fists. “She’s all alone in this now. In… all of this.”

John closed his eyes tight for a moment and took a deep breath. “I feel for you, Kaidan,” he said with concern in his soft baritone voice. “And I’m glad you told me.” Eyes slowly reopened as he turned. “There’s strength in camaraderie.” He smiled faintly. “In empathy.”

Kaidan couldn’t help but smile in return. “Thanks. You’re right.” He then shook his head as his body visibly relaxed. “How do you do it? Keep it all together like you do. Earth is always in the back of my mind… haunting me.”

“I get that. I do.” The Commander’s tone was still so gentle. Such a stark contrast to how he was on the battlefield. “But we can’t let it keep us down. We just have to remember what… and who we’re fighting for.”

The Major nodded in understanding. “Like my students… well wherever they are. I know they’re kicking ass on Earth or… somewhere.” He soon grinned wide, his whole demeanor drifting to one of hope. “Ya know… when this war is over, there’s gonna be one hell of a reunion party.”

There was the Kaidan that John remembered. The man who could provide the best remark about any situation. John chuckled. “Hell yeah.”

The biotic’s brown eyes seemed to smile with the rest of him for an instant. “Dancing in the streets, huggin' and cryin'. My mom’s always wanted to travel off-planet.” But then his gaze dropped to the floor. “I think I’ll take her… someday.”

John quickly responded in an attempt to maintain the more upbeat mood. “Anywhere in particular?”

“Probably the Citadel.” A wince as that was probably the worst answer he could give considering what had just happened a day ago. “Well… eventually. I think she’d like it.”

Soon there was another patch of silence between them as the conversation dropped. There was a strong energy between them. Even stronger than Kaidan had felt with Thane or even Rahna. He could probably have walked forward at this point and simply kissed the other man. A gesture that Shepard would no doubt have reciprocated. However, something still felt… off and he couldn’t quite explain it.

He finally broke the silence by murmuring, “Thanks for coming by, Shepard…”

“Any time.” John smiled and took a step closer. For the briefest of moments it almost seemed as if he would be the one to initiate a kiss, but instead he quietly said, “It’s good to have you back, Kaidan.” He then slowly backed up and turned to walk out… leaving the Major alone.

Kaidan’s eyes followed the Commander as he left and then returned his gaze to the stars beyond.

Why did everything have to be so damned complicated?

\----------------------------


	18. Eden Prime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon the crew's return to Eden Prime, Kaidan remembers Jenkins, Ashley, and Manuel who wasn't as crazy as people thought. Oh and Javik's a bit of an ass, too.

The next mission for the Normandy crew led them to the one place the Major had never expected to revisit. Liara had a lead on a new Prothean discovery found on Eden Prime. Even though Cerberus only had a fragment of the of the Mars data, they certainly had a much better supply cache of resources to use as far as piecing together leads to other artifacts.

Shepard had specifically requested for Kaidan to come along and Liara insisted on going as well due to her extensive knowledge. The shuttle ride was tense for all involved including Cortez who felt completely out of place in the presence of three such close friends.

“Eden Prime. This is where it all began.” Liara finally broke the awkward silence with a glance towards the Commander. “Where the Prothean beacon gave you the vision that warned us about the Reapers.”

Kaidan managed to grip the hand guard above his head a little tighter with a hint of sadness within his features. “We lost a lot of good people when Saren and the geth hit this place.”

“Yes…” the asari nodded as her gaze shifted from one man to the other. “And now with Cerberus here, Eden Prime's colonists are under attack again.”

John frowned as he seemed to look off into the distance. “Feels like more than just 3 years ago.” And yet he could still remember the experience as if it were yesterday.

“A lot of memories here. Jenkins and that damn geth recon drone.” Kaidan murmured and inhaled a deep breath. “Guess we've got a lot of people to remember down here... even if we're not fighting geth this time.”

“It's always been the Reapers. They used the geth, they used the Collectors...” Shepard turned to glance out of the front window as the ground gradually came into view below.

“And now they're using every species they can find.” The biotic continued the younger man’s thoughts. “Cerberus is just as bad, aren’t they?”

Liara slowly nodded towards Kaidan. “There are survivors elsewhere on the colony, but they killed everyone near the dig site.”

That revelation only made John frown deeper. “They deserve better.”

“I know…” The asari’s voice was soft, yet also laced with sorrow. “The Alliance did what it could to evacuate colonists, but Cerberus came in so quickly...”

Cortez interrupted as they were nearing the LZ. “I'm bringing you in as close to the dig site as I can. No way we'll avoid detection, but you should have a few minutes.”

Shepard acknowledged Cortez with a nod as his arms rose up and pulled forth his rifle. “Understood. Alright everyone. Get ready to move…”

\----------------------------

There were more Cerberus troops at the site than any of them had anticipated. They fought through waves of them popping up just about everywhere including an Atlas heavy mech that was just as aggravating to deal with as a whole squad of commandos.

It also turned out that the “artifact” they’d all been seeking was in truth an intact Prothean life pod similar to the ones found on Ilos. Unlike those, however, the being inside was still alive in suspended animation and had been so for 50,000 years. They wouldn’t have even been able to open it if Shepard hadn’t been given the cipher by Shiala all those years ago on Feros.

Once the pod was opened, they were all immediately hit with a biotic blast and the sight of a stumbling Prothean attempting to get his bearings.

“Asari. Human. I’m surrounded by primitives.” The four-eyed soldier had then all but spit on them for waking him up.

To be fair, Javik was understandably bitter. Not only was he the last surviving member of his entire species, he was thrust right back into the Reaper nightmare all over again. Both Shepard and Liara went to help him settle in on the ship’s engineering deck, and spent a few hours talking with him about any information he had about both the Reapers and the Protheans.

As expected Liara was asking an array of questions about his culture, only for him to respond with annoyance and a series of brash insults. Shepard could only sigh heavily as the poor girl eventually left the room since her childhood dreams had been completely shattered in a matter of minutes.

It was also a shame that Javik seemed to know very little about the Crucible, so they’d have to search elsewhere to learn more.

\----------------------------

After quick detour to investigate why a vital depot’s fuel reactors had been shut down mysteriously, Shepard decided that the crew needed some rest before they traveled to the Perseus Veil. The Citadel was more or less in reasonable shape again to accept visitors, and so it was decided to head back there for 48 hours of R&R and standard ship maintenance.

While en route, Kaidan was quite content to spend his time alone in the Observation Room filing some Spectre reports and doing whatever research he could to help Shepard gain an advantage over Cerberus. The organization had beaten them to objectives too many times already, and he was determined to change that by any means necessary. The Reapers were enough of a headache, as it was.

Speaking of headaches, the Major was soon rolling his head back as he felt the all too familiar sensation of a migraine behind his eyes. The series of datapads surrounding him between the sofa and the floor were soon forgotten as he rolled his eyelids closed and breathed at a languid pace.

As the man attempted to relax, his mind soon drifted back to Eden Prime. Obscure words were soon echoing in the biotic’s thoughts as if he’d only heard them recently…

_“No one is saved! The age of humanity has ended! Soon only ruin and corpses will remain!”_

Dr. Warren’s research assist, Manuel had said those words to them soon after Shepard and Kaidan had run into Ashley. Even though both of the researchers had been rescued, the man was noticeably distraught.

_“We have unearthed the heart of evil. Awakened the beast! Unleashed the darkness!”_

The doctor had mentioned that Manuel was a little… off, to which he countered by saying he was the only sane person left. Now here it was, just 3 years later and these seemingly paranoid rantings were feeling a hell of a lot more prophetic. Perhaps Dr. Warren was right that genius and madness are two sides of the same coin.

The Major squeezed his eyes further shut as he was flooded with memories from when they’d finally found the beacon.

Shepard was in the process of calling the Normandy for an evac while both Ashley and Kaidan looked closer at the artifact.

_“This is amazing! Actual working Prothean technology. Unbelievable!”_

Kaidan had been absolutely ecstatic about their discovery of something so ancient and mysterious.

_“It wasn't doing anything like that when they dug it up.”_

Ashley had already seen it after it was found, so wasn’t nearly as impressed.

_“Something must have activated it…”_

It was then that the Staff Lieutenant’s interest had gotten the better of him. His body just felt this strange urge to walk closer. One step. Two. The air around him was shifting. Changing. Suddenly he was surrounded by a bright green light and pulled forwards at a brisk pace.

Soon he could feel warmth against his back. Arms were wrapping around his waist which soon tore his body away from the beacon’s grasp. His shoulder hit the ground which caused him to roll onto his side and grunt with the pain.

The next thing both Kaidan and Ashley saw was the Commander’s form lifted high into the air and then fall unconscious to the ground.

_“Shepard!”_

The biotic had rushed over soon after and knelt down trying desperately to wake the other man up with tears forming in his eyes.

Kaidan’s head shot up from the couch with a start and rubbed some sweat from his forehead with rough fingertips. He hadn’t thought about the beacon in ages, and yet now the vision was as clear as the day it had happened.

The Commander was in this whole mess because of him. All of their misery was due to his ridiculous curiosity.

Still… if it hadn’t happened then he and John would possibly have never grown to know each other better either. Between all the adventures they had chasing Saren and the small chats they shared, Kaidan was gradually coming to the realization that he couldn’t stop thinking about Shepard.

He nearly admitted his feelings after Virmire, but ultimately felt it was too soon after Ashley’s death to bring it up. Then the Collector attack. Horizon. Vancouver. Mars. The Coup. There had always been something in the way.

Kaidan growled as his fist forcibly punched the couch next to his hip. As Manuel had so aptly put it, the darkness was here and the task of saving the galaxy from it was placed within the hands of one man.

A man that Kaidan Alenko had grown to love despite of it all.

“You were right, Sere…” he whispered as if Thane could still hear his words. Fingers began typing a letter on his datapad as the Major released a long relieved sigh.

He suddenly had a craving for Apollo’s… and a much needed sanity check.

\----------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG props to Khaar Machinima Studio who has been recording the Mass Effect games for YouTube in an HQ movie format. The screencap and dialogue I had to grab from ME1 are due to their hard work.


	19. Many are the Stars I See, But in My Eye No Star Like Thee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John accepts Kaidan's invitation to Apollo's for lunch... and a sanity check.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a little scared about writing this chapter since many folks have said that this is their favorite scene while romancing Kaidan. I have always felt that the conversation with Male Shepard is much more genuine. There's no less than 13 different variations of how this scene can go depending on gender, LI or friend, rekindle romance from ME1 or start it in 3, or if you use either the BackOff or Same Gender Romance mods which also change the dialogue slightly. In the end I decided to weave together the conversation from a mixture of those and make it as organic as I could.
> 
> Also the title for this is another beautiful song from Ursine Vulpine ft. Annaca. The lyrics reflect Shepard's thoughts so perfectly as he slowly realizes Kaidan's feelings and his own for K in return.

Kaidan had arrived at Apollo’s early and had asked for one of the balcony tables by the railing with the best view. Unfortunately he was told that it was still undergoing repairs and wasn’t completely safe yet for dining. Instead he settled for one closer to the counter but still with a still decent view of the Lower Presidium.

He’d been given a menu pad which he was now scanning through at top speed with his index finger. The Major was hungry, but also his stomach was doing jumping jacks due to nervous he was. He hadn’t been on a real date in ages and there were so many things that could go wrong. More than anything he wished his mouth and brain would work in tandem and not completely fuck up everything he planned to tell Shepard.

Not that he was worried so much about if John was interested. Their conversations at the Hospital, the Dock, and the Observation Room had given Kaidan more than enough indication that the younger man did care. This was more so confirm just how much they cared for the other. He wanted to make sure if this would be a fling or something much more secure.

As Thane had said, the Major couldn’t hide himself anymore.

The brief relationship with Thane had been different, though. The drell’s mortality was common knowledge to all involved. Kaidan could tell he was missing something, though and wanted to give him just one happy thing before it was too late. Maybe sex wasn’t the most optimal of choices, but neither of them had regrets. The biotic smiled faintly as his thoughts were soon on Thane’s drell memory of it and the beautiful words he’d shared.

“Hey there. This seat taken?”

That all too familiar baritone voice soon brought Kaidan’s mind back into focus as he dropped the menu pad down to the table. “Not yet,” he chuckled in response and reclined a bit in his chair.

John was wearing his N7 hoodie and a pair of black jeans. As he sat down, the biotic did manage to sneak a quick peek at just how tight those jeans really were and smirked a bit to himself. It also reminded him just how much of a dork he was for still being in his BDUs… on a date. He’d seriously have to look at getting some casual wear in the near future.

Kaidan did observe that Shepard had chosen the seat next to him as opposed to across and then let his fingers slide the menu along the table towards the other man. “You can take a look. I’ve already got a few ideas. I’m actually surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this.”

John nodded in thanks before picking up the pad and glancing through a few screens while murmuring, “Honestly it's probably better if we don't ask how... or where.”

“Anything is better than military rations,” the Major smirked and folded his hands together in front of him. “But I'm glad we're taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check.”

“I hear that.” Shepard let the menu fall for a moment and turned his eyes towards the older man. “Things have been pretty crazy.”

“Understatement of the century,” He snorted but then took a long breath and let his own eyes fall towards the table. “Seriously though… I’ve just been thinking about a lot of things, Shepard. I mean, my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars and… honestly there weren't enough moments like this, with people I care about.”

John’s brow lifted as he leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. “So that’s how you're feeling these days?”

The Major shrugged as he slowly unlaced his fingers and sat back up. “No, not just that. I mean, hell I’m feeling up to whatever the Reapers may throw at me, but…” He then offered the Commander a coy smile. “I’m also grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second to relax.”

Shepard laughed softly and shifted a little in his chair. “What? You think I don’t remember how to relax, Alenko?”

Kaidan raised up both hands in protest. “Hey I’m not the one who told Liara about my sleeping habits, eh?”

John winced and then reached a hand up to cover his face in sheer embarrassment. For being the Shadow Broker, sometimes that woman could be absolutely dreadful at keeping personal secrets. “Guilty as charged.” The hand quickly dropped back to the table to snag the menu pad once more. “Regardless, I think this is as good a time as any for us to have a heart-to-heart. What are you drinking?”

Kaidan let loose a soft chuckle. “If you're trying to butter me up it might take a steak sandwich too.”

Knowing full well that the biotic had a bottomless stomach, Shepard smirked and said with a teasing tone “That didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh fine.” Kaidan huffed and then the Commander spied the other man’s lower lip poke out in a taunting pout. “Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?"

John’s own lips pursed as blue eyes followed his finger while sifting through the drink list. “More likely to have Batarian shard wine…” he murmured while reading through the options available.

The biotic leaned forwards on the table as he let his eyes glance outwards to take in the view of the Citadel beyond. “At my parent’s place in Vancouver? Drank more than a few beers on their balcony looking over English Bay. It’s… a beautiful view.”

“Sounds lovely…” Instead of following the older man’s view, John had simply lifted his gaze to admire Kaidan and his serene demeanor. “I hope you’ll be able to see it again someday.”

“Yeah me too…” He turned back to the man sitting next to him with a smile returning to his lips. “You know what though? I feel good about our chances.”

“Oh yeah?” Shepard set the menu aside and dropped his hands back on the table.

“Yeah. Let’s me sleep better at night.”

And that immediately made John’s face fall into a concerned frown. “So you’re not sleeping either, Kaidan?”

The biotic’s lips twisted in a bit of shame. “Touché. Okay maybe a little restless, but honestly the war isn’t the only thing keeping me up these days.”

Shepard tilted his head inquisitively. “What do you mean?”

Kaidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn’t let yet another opportunity slip away. Not again. “It’s just… you plan a career, you focus, then suddenly the world’s ending and it’s too late to… find someone.”

That caused John to lean just a bit more forward in his seat. “Someone?” he asked softly.

“Yeah… someone. Someone strong and confident. Someone I admire and respect and enjoy being with. Someone handsome. Tall order I know. But I don’t really have to look far…” Both of their eyes met as the biotic’s form inclined. “Maybe what I’ve never found… what I want is something with someone I already… care about…”

That caused the Commander’s fingers to uncurl as a breath caught in his throat. “Kaidan…”

The Major softly bit at his lower lip as his hand inched a just a touch across the table. “I love you Shepard. I always have. I just... I want to understand what this is between us and… make it real. That's what I want.” He then smiled with hope filling those whiskey brown eyes. “What do you want?”

"You and me," Shepard was all but lost in the Major’s gaze. "Is that what you are saying?" He could barely speak, his voice almost a whisper now.

Kaidan tiled his head and bowed it in a slow nod. “It feels right, doesn’t it?” His own voice warmly seductive with that husky timbre.

If only they weren’t in public right now. John was of one mind to grab the older man and pull him into a deep kiss right then and there. Never in his whole life had he shared such deep feelings with someone else, and yet here was this wonderful person sitting right in front of him. The intense magnetism they shared was something neither of them could deny any longer.

John looked down at their hands and then back to the Major as he swallowed visibly. “It does,” he all but stammered. “It does feel right.” Calloused fingers slowly slid across and laced within the Major’s hand tightly. “After all this time…” Tears found their way to the edge of his eyes as he offered a gentle smile.

The biotic released a breath as he returned both the squeeze and a smile of his own. “And that… makes me so happy.” But soon that smile curled into an enticing grin. “And there are benefits to that happiness, ya know?”

John chuckled. “Oh really?” His eyes twinkling with a bit of their own mischief.

“Yes… really.” Kaidan finally leaned back as their food and drinks arrived. “But first… lunch, eh?”

“Oh fine.” It was now the Commander’s turn to pout as he grabbed his napkin. “By the way… what did you call this? A sanity check?”

The Major took a sip of his beer and licked his lips. “Mmmm… Sanity check.”

\----------------------------


	20. Whispers Between Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard continue their date in a more intimate setting...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some more smut to go along with all the fluff. Enjoy!

The lunch at Apollo’s went past with a lot of small talk, smiles and the occasional flirtatious glance between the two of them. It was actually quite a relief for both of them to have even a small amount of time to relax.

Once the dishes were taken away, John sat back and laced his fingers on top of his now very full stomach. “So….”

Kaidan rolled his eyes with a small smirk. “Well we’re technically still on a date. I guess the question now is where we want to go from here.”

“Well… as easy as it would be to simply head back to the Normandy, there’s way too many chances to be interrupted by well… anyone.” Shepard pushed himself up as the bill was dropped off. “How about I pay for lunch and you look at getting us a hotel room?”

The Major lifted a brow as his smirk only grew wider. “A hotel, eh? I know just the one, actually. But I will need to make a quick side trip first. I’ll beep your omni tool once I’ve reserved the room.”

“Sounds perfect,” the Commander hummed. He did grasp Kaidan’s hand again for one fleeting moment as the other man rose from his seat and handed back the paid pad to a passing server.

As the older man wandered off down the Presidium, Shepard was left to dwell on his own thoughts at the table for a few minutes.

He did catch a fleeting glance of Samantha wandering past with peculiar square-shaped box tucked under her arm. No doubt another game she wanted to try once they were all back on board. Joker and Vega had both trying to get her to join in on their poker nights without success. EDI had then mentioned to them both that she ‘bats for the other team’ and so trying to coerce her with strip poker would not have the desired result.

John chuckled faintly to himself at the thought before he caught the familiar sound of his omni tool and slowly rose from his chair.

\----------------------------

When Shepard arrived at the hotel, Kaidan was waiting near the elevator holding what appeared to be a small plastic in one hand. He had a warm smile as the other man lightly wiggled the bag and then punched the button to let them in.

“Going up?” The biotic snickered gently as they both soon entered the elevator.

“Among other things I think,” John answered before taking a closer peek at the bag. “Oh… seriously? Of all places?”

The bag was silver but with the pink lettering of THIS ONE’S INTIMATE APPAREL across both sides.

“It’s not joke underwear if that’s what you’re thinking,” Kaidan quipped but then looked straight at the younger man. “Wait how do you even know about that store?”

“We uh… ran past it on our way up to find you and the Council, actually.” The Commander actually managed to blush a little bit. “James mentioned he’d have to go back there later for some… research.”

“Research, huh? Sounds like Vega alright.” The Major couldn’t help but laugh even as the doors finally opened and let them out to the hotel hallway. “Room should be just over here.”

They both wandered down the hall to the door which Kaidan waved his omni tool over to open. The room itself was one of the more expensive ones with a full sitting area and king-sized bed. The bag was placed down on the table in front of the couch “We have this room for a full 24 hours, so we’d better make the most of it.”

Shepard blinked in amazement as he turned towards the older man. “How’d you manage to pull that off?”

“You’re not the only one with Spectre codes, remember?” A waggle of the Major’s brows and a lopsided smile. “Besides you would be far less stressed if you can just let someone else be in charge once in a while.”

“Have anyone particular in mind?” John’s eyelids gradually drooped as each casual step moved him closer to where the biotic stood.

“Oh I can think of at least one...” Kaidan waited patiently until Shepard’s journey brought them dangerously close. A hand then rose to brush his knuckles across the other man’s cheek. “But he can be a bit thick-headed and stubborn,” he whispered as brown eyes finally found blue.

“Yeah I’ve heard that too.” The Commander smiled as his head tilted in to the soft touch. “But he also has this incredible knack of saying the most perfect things to make me smile.”

Kaidan’s lips leaned in until they were mere millimeters away from John’s. “Sounds like a great guy…”

“The best…” John whispered in response as their lips finally met strong arms slithered their way down and around the biotic’s slim waist.

The Major’s arms immediately responded in kind by wrapping around broad shoulders and pulling the Commander in until their chests met. He met the other man’s feathery kisses with a gentle sigh and then parted them with his tongue darting out to roll across John’s lower lip.

“Did we… lock… the door?” Shepard softly gasped between kisses to which Kaidan’s hand pop up faintly from a shoulder and then they both heard the familiar sound of the door buzzing.

“Good catch…” The biotic grinned against the younger man’s lips, but then paused as his mind suddenly thought of something else.

The Commander immediately felt Kaidan tense and paused in his own movements, “What’s wrong?”

“You’ve… never done this before.” The older man was suddenly a bit more nervous even he continued to enjoy the warmth between them. “Have you?”

John blinked a little in shock as his arms began to loosen. “This? You mean… with another man?”

The Major slowly nodded and then immediately regretted asking it as he could feel Shepard starting to pull away.

Shepard swallowed softly and then leaned his forehead in gently against Kaidan’s. “No I haven’t but… I trust you.”

“Okay Shepard.” He couldn’t help but blush a little at the admission. “But if… if we do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, you tell me alright?”

John’s finger tucked under the biotic’s chin and lifted it just a touch. “I promise…” he purred and then leaned in to press his lips upon the older man’s once again.

As their lips met over and over again, Kaidan’s fingers glided around to Shepard’s chest and then lazily drew the zipper of his hoodie down along his torso. Once the last set of teeth were separated, fingernails trailed up and then pushed the thick material off the other man’s shoulders and down past his muscular arms. Once the fabric reached the floor, hands fell to touch the chiseled abdomen still hidden beneath a black t-shirt.

The Commander shrugged the hoodie off with ease and then leaned in to run his mouth and tongue along the side of the Major’s neck. The bristles of his goatee tickled the other man’s skin even as he took a deep breath as he suddenly lost within the musky scent of the other man’s hair. He began to reach down and tug at the bottom of Kaidan’s shirt before he felt a hand quickly grab his.

“Let me take care of you, John.”

Kaidan had never called him by his first name before, and hearing it now nearly made him sob into the other man’s hair. He did manage a quick nod and instead let his arms drop away for now and allow the Major to fully take charge.

The biotic bent just enough to free Shepard’s stomach from the fabric of his t-shirt and then glided the pads of his fingertips underneath. He smiled as he heard the younger man’s gentle sigh and then leaned himself in to run gentle kisses upwards while pulling the cotton garment up to his armpits.

“Sit down…” The Major gently directed and lead John to sit on the couch. The younger man’s legs were carefully spread apart and then Kaidan slid in-between if only to continue with even more light movements from his lips. As his torso finally pressed against John’s hips he could feel the other man’s cock pressing hard against his jeans. A small grin hit his lips in response just before the tip of his tongue darted forth and rolled around a dark nipple.

Shepard’s breath caught in his throat as he let his neck roll back. Soon he felt the tip of his nipple between Kaidan’s teeth as they tugged and jerked his chest outwards in response to this previously unexplored array of sensations.

Soon the t-shirt was tugged up and over John’s head as the biotic whispered, “You’re way too tense.” As the shirt fell aside Kaidan pulled himself up to meet the younger man’s lips again. “Just relax.”

“Sorry Kaid…” the Commander managed to say as their lips parted to explore once more.

“Let’s get these pants off,” Kaidan murmured gently as he reluctantly pulled away. “Okay?”

All John could do at this point was nod quickly as any other words he could have said were now completely caught in his throat.

The button and zipper of the jeans were pulled loose with the waistband tugged down just enough so his brown eyes could see the bulging erection now hidden beneath a pair of black cotton briefs. Kaidan leaned forwards and grazed John’s length with the tip of his nose and then emitted a long, warm breath against the tight fabric.

Shepard gritted his teeth and drew in a sharp breath even as he felt his shoes and socks tugged away and then jeans tumbling past his legs. Even with his briefs still on for the moment, the man felt exposed. His chest rose and fell a couple of times as he soon heard Kaidan grabbing the small bag and then dumping whatever was inside out onto the table.

“You’re doing great, John.” Kaidan sat up on his knees with his hands resting on Shepard’s thighs. “I do have to ask one thing before we go any further.”

“Mmmmm?” was all The Commander could say as he lifted his head towards the older man.

“Will you be ok if I…” Kaidan paused as if trying to figure out the best to explain this. “If I’m on top I need to do something for you first so that… I mean.” He chewed on his lip a brief moment. “So that I won’t hurt you. It may feel a little weird, at first.”

Shepard withdrew a long breath as he leaned forward and placed his fingers softly upon the Major’s cheek. “I understand…”

The biotic gave the other man a warm smile and then gently pulled John’s underwear down over his legs. John returned the smile as he sat there watching while Kaidan slowly withdrew his shirt, boots and then both pants and underwear. His own cock was already as stiff as board even as he knelt back down on the floor. A loud snap was soon heard as he popped the cap on a small bottle of lube and poured a little over his fingers.

John couldn’t help but jump slightly as the noise but then relaxed as he could feel the warmth of Kaidan’s body slither back between his legs. He gripped the cushions of the couch and gasped as he then could feel wet lips grazing up along his inner thigh and then let forth a long moan as the other man’s tongue lazily dragged skyward along the length of his dick. He then shuttered a breath as he felt the simultaneous motions of lips engulfing the tip and a fingertip rolling around his entrance.

A gentle drag of the biotic’s tongue across the groove at the tip managed to trap the salty taste of precome along the way while a finger gently slid inside to feel John’s warmth. Lips then achingly traveled down as the finger followed suit. Shepard’s hips quivered as fingers then lifted from the couch and entwined within Kaidan’s thick hair. There was a soft rumble within the older man’s throat as his tongue rolled back up the hard length. Lips teasingly journeyed down to suck a testicle into his mouth just as a second finger was added to the first.

“Shit!” John eventually was able to spit out with his fingers gripping tighter in the Major’s hair. Kaidan released the other man’s scrotum with a soft pop and a chuckle. “Mmmmm, I think he likes it,” he murmured lustfully even as his fingers were still pumping slowly in and out.

John’s strong arms soon drew the biotic’s naked form out from between his legs on top of him as their lips joined with more heated kisses. “Will you just fuck me already, Alenko?” was the Commander’s response between breaths.

The Major barked a quick laugh and then sat up, pulling Shepard’s legs apart and gripping his hips. A small amount of lube was rolled along his own length before positioning himself at John’s entrance. “If it starts to hurt just let me know…” which was answered by the quickest of nods by the younger man.

Kaidan gradually pressed his hips forwards and then leaned down to grab John’s mouth once more with his own. “You’re still really t-tight. I’ll… I’ll take it s-slow,” he said as the Commander could only nod once more against his lips.

With creeping thrusts, the Major’s hips slid his cock deeper and deeper inside until finally he was seated within. His head lifted to gauge the younger man’s reaction as a hand brushed across his face. “You okay?”

Shepard’s reply was to simply grip the back of Kaidan’s head and pull it down to connect their lips once again with sheer fierceness. The biotic shifted his legs a bit on the couch and then savored the moment as he rocked forward with little more force. Blunt fingernails were soon felt dragging along his shoulders as he moaned against John’s mouth. Hips rolled with alternating shallow and long thrusts which caused the Commander’s head to fall back with a loud groan.

Soon Kaidan took in a sharp breath as he clasped both of Shepard’s shoulders, then pulling him up and onto his lap. John let out a surprised yelp and then a chuckle before allowing his legs to wrap around and begin moving in sync with the man below him. Warm bodies rubbed against each other as both sets of arms wrapped around and held on tightly. 

“I’m close…” Kaidan finally whispered against the Commander’s chest before his fingers squeezed between them and gripped John’s cock. The slickness of their sweat made the long, firm strokes of the Major’s fingers easily match their hip movements and soon their shared exquisite tension was ready to burst. The Major’s body drove forth with a suddenly brutal pace before finally pressing a deep thrust upwards hitting John’s prostate and trembling hard with his release. Not soon after he felt the younger man’s body shiver against him and then emit stifled moan before they felt a warm wetness that spilled forth to hit both of their stomachs.

Both men continued to hold each other as their orgasms subsided and breathing gradually slowed down. Eventually John just let his head turn and rest against Kaidan’s neck and whispered, “Holy shit…”

The Major’s fingers dragged up and down the length of John’s spine as he chuckled, “I’m guessing a shower is next on the agenda, mmm?”

“Only if you join me…” Shepard responded against the older man’s neck with a smile.

A soft kiss was felt upon John’s temple after that. “I think we’ll manage.”

\----------------------------


	21. One More Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan realizes that his love life is now much more complicated than he expected.

Kaidan stepped into the PT room, quite curious as to why the lights were all but turned off for once. He was supposed to meet Thane here for yet another session, but instead all he saw was a singular stool resting in the middle of the room.

“I am glad that you arrived promptly, Major,” came the familiar voice of Thane from somewhere off in the distance.

The biotic slipped his hands behind his back even as his eyes darted around. The assassin was exceptional at hiding, but it was also a bit of a game to try and find where he might be. “Thank you, Sere…”

“Please… take a seat.”

Kaidan swallowed audibly while his eyes then focused solely on the seat in front of him. He padded over on bare feet and then eased himself down onto the stool while keeping his back straight.

“Close your eyes…” he could hear from somewhere near the shell of his left ear.

With the most subtle of bites to his lower lip, the biotic complied with his eyelids fluttering closed. Soon he felt a soft cloth sliding across his face and then tied behind his head.

“You are not to remove the blindfold until I tell you to. Understood, Major?”

“Yes, Sere…” Kaidan dropped his hands down to touch his knees as to remove any temptation he would have to even attempt such a thing.

“Remove your shirt, Major.”

Thane was somewhat in front of him; he could tell by the resonance of the drell’s voice. The Major took a deep breath and then crossed his arms to tug his t-shirt up and over his head. Once dropped to the floor he murmured, “Yes, Sere…”

Kaidan sat there, exposed for what felt like eons. No doubt the assassin was taking in his half naked form with a great deal of patience. Finally, he felt something cold moving at an agonizing pace up along the scar upon his torso.

Then the chill was crawling from the middle of his shoulder blades all the way down the curve of his spine. Finally he felt a small thump against his hip. “Now remove your pants, Major.”

The Major’s thighs shifted as he managed to tug his sweats down and past his feet. Since he hadn’t been wearing any briefs, he was now completely nude except for the blindfold which was still tied securely. “Yes, Sere…”

“Part your legs for me, Major.”

With a slight bite of his lip, the biotic complied with his legs opening just enough to expose both his cock and balls hanging between his thighs.

“You may not touch yourself until I allow it. Do you understand, Major?”

“Yes, Sere…” whispered with a slight nod of his head and fingers still resting atop his knees.

Kaidan could soon feel the smooth contact of Thane’s scaled fingers upon his chest. “Do you miss my touch, Major?”

With a tremble within his breath he responded, “Yes, Sere. I do…”

The drell’s index finger drew a small swirl through the light hair between his chest and abdomen which caused his length to gradually stir. The finger was then replaced with the gentle touch of Thane’s lips as they kissed one nipple and then the other. “I have missed yours as well, Major.”

The biotic exhaled sharply with his fingernails digging into the skin of his knees.

The kisses dragged down the center of his torso with the assassin’s tongue occasionally gliding across his skin. “And I have missed your taste…” Thane murmured near the man’s navel.

Kaidan’s head fell back with a loud sigh even as his stomach trembled against those sinful lips. His cock was growing harder with each tease performed by the drell’s mouth.

“Do you want me to taste you, Siha?” The softest of whispers as a warm breath was felt over the soft curls between his legs.

“Yes, Sere… please…” He wanted to pull the blindfold off so bad and touch the drell now sitting between his legs.

The next thing he felt was the exquisite heat of those lips parting and drawing him in….

\----------------------------

Kaidan’s eyelids fluttered open from his dream with his head rolling slightly upon the feather pillow underneath him. Soon after he let out a hiss of surprise as he felt warm lips and coarse facial hair against his hip. He gently pushed the blankets aside and spied two twinkling blue eyes and a lazy smile from the man now laying in-between his legs.

“Mmmmm. Hey there…” the Major grinned sleepily.

“Hey Kaid…” A feathery kiss hit the older man’s thigh. “Was trying to surprise you but I guess that didn’t quite work out.”

“I could pretend I’m asleep if you want to try again,” Kaidan chuckled softly.

“Nah… probably better that you’re awake now anyways.” John then turned his head and allowed a warm breath to drift across the Major’s already hard length.

The biotic drew in a harsh breath and lifted his hips up off the bed towards his lover’s lips. An invitation that the younger man was more than willing to accept. Soft lips were soon taking the other man in with fingers curling around the base of his cock. The smoothness of such an exquisite mouth was such a contradiction to the roughness of the hand moving underneath. If Shepard kept this up, Kaidan certainly wouldn’t be able to last for very long at all.

The Major’s own fingers descended and then combed through the other man’s much shorter hair and then arched his back upon the unexpected sensation of teeth teasingly nibbling along the head and then an agile tongue soon taking their place.

“John…” Kaidan whispered breathlessly as he massaged through the ash brown hair below him and moved his hips in rhythm with Shepard’s own strokes. The younger man hummed around the cock in his mouth in response and quickened his hand movements along until finally he tasted his lover’s bitter heat as it hit the back of his throat.

The biotic tensed and let forth a lust filled moan as fingers all but pulled on the Commander’s hair. Soon after he felt the other man’s bare skin rub against his as John rose and leaned in with swollen lips offering a lascivious kiss. Kaidan grinned into those lips, tasting himself and wrapped his arms around the younger man’s waist. “I thought you said you’d never done this before…”

John rose up on his elbows and offered the other man a wink. “I’m a fast learner.”

“That you are,” The Major smiled and then pulled Shepard’s head down to his chest with a soft sigh. Once his lover settled, Kaidan’s fingers roamed up and down his side as his smile slowly faded.

He was finally with the man he loved, and yet he was still thinking about Thane. He would have to tell John eventually, but for now he simply wanted to relish in this perfect little moment.


	22. The Answer Lies Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During their Chess match, Shepard and Traynor have an eloquent discussion about love and choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I felt there just isn't enough content out there involving Samantha and she is such a lovable character. So I decided she deserved a chapter all to herself offering Shepard some important advice.

When Specialist Samantha Traynor had mentioned how good she was at strategy games, she definitely meant it. She had challenged Shepard to a game or two before the Coup, and now was taking him up on his offer. That box she’d been toting around on the Presidium was the GUI interface chess board that they were now playing on in the Captain’s cabin.

They were now in the middle of their second match after Sam had declared Check in only 12 moves during their first game.

John was now leaning forwards in his seat, examining each piece as a plethora of moves danced around in his thoughts. Samantha was patient, and actually a little surprised at Shepard’s more composed approach to this match. She had heard so many stories about how much he was the kind of soldier who went headfirst into battle. Seeing this more tactful side of him was a welcome change.

“Traynor,” Shepard suddenly said as he moved a Bishop to guard his Queen. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“If you’re trying to distract me, Commander, it won’t work.” She chuckled and leaned back on the couch crossing her arms.

“Distract you?” John smirked faintly and set his game pad down beside him. “Nah not this time at least.”

Sam blinked in pure bewilderment. They’d had some casual conversations about her history before this, but she had a suspicion that ‘personal’ was to be something more than her obsession with a 6000 credit toothbrush. “Right then… let’s hear it.”

“When did you fully realize that you’re gay? I mean… really understand your attraction towards women.”

Traynor’s dark eyes then grew super wide as a hand came up to cover her mouth. It’s not like she’d kept her sexuality a secret from everyone, but this was definitely a very intimate subject to discuss with her Commander. “Well this just got a whole lot more serious.”

John raised up both of his hands in surrender. “I swear this is just between us, Samantha. I’m just curious.”

The Specialist seemed to ponder for a moment and then finally offered Shepard a bright smile “Wait. This is about you and Kaidan, isn’t it? Did you two finally shag?”

“Wait… what?” Now it was the Commander’s turn to be stunned. His hands dropped back down to his lap even as he shrugged his shoulders smoothly. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Oh Joker had started a pool with everyone. Like a ‘will they or won’t they?’ sort of thing.” Sam had an almost devilish grin on her face now and laced her fingers across her lap. “I think just won 200 credits.”

John ran his hand over his face at that and grumbled, “Of course he did.”

“Come on. The whole ship has been aware of you two for a while now. Liara had mentioned how devastated you were after Kaidan was injured on Mars. It’s not like it was that difficult to figure out.”

“Okay, fine. But… a betting pool?” John was actually blushing a little that his love life was worth so much gossip lately.

Samantha crossed her legs and then relinked her fingers upon her knee. “Yes well… Garrus, Engineer Adams, and James kept saying it would never happen. Joker, Liara. Dr. Chakwas and I said it would. Steve stayed out of it but I’m pretty sure he has crush on you.” She was still grinning, thoroughly amused at how much John Shepard could blush.

Shepard cleared his throat and rolled his eyes as a hand lifted to rub along the back of his neck. “And here I thought Cortez had a not so secret crush on Vega.”

“Oh I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s James who has the crush, but he’ll never admit it. He’s way too macho for that.” Apparently the Communications Specialist was very keen on all of the chatter buzzing around the Normandy.

“Right.” Shepard puffed out a breath of air and then lowered his hand. “Well off the record, Traynor? You did win 200 credits.” He then smirked with a bit of mirth in his eyes.

“Yes!” Sam even made a quick victory gesture to make a point. “Honestly I’m glad. From what EDI told me you two seem like you’re perfect for each other.” She offered John a sincere smile and a nod.

“Wait… EDI???” Shepard then looked upwards and called out to the ship’s com “EDI what exactly have you and Specialist Traynor been discussing?”

“I merely stated that both you and Major Alenko shared an increase in heart rhythms while in the same room,” came EDI’s soft voice from all around them. “Jeff has had the same reaction towards me at times and so I made a few conclusions, Commander.”

“But honestly… we’re both glad that you both are trying to make it work.” Traynor piped in. “You have enough stress as it is… Sir.”

“Yes." EDI continued. "And as I was told before. No one ever fell in love without being a little bit brave.”

John’s face then melted into the biggest saccharine smile that anyone had ever seen. “Very true. Thanks you two.”

“Don’t mention it, Shepard. Please… enjoy your chess match,” EDI said again and then went silent.

Shepard slowly shook his head with that stupid smile still on features and then drew his attention back to Sam. “Anyways… back to my original question…”

“Oh! Right.” She chuckled and extended the Commander a lopsided grin of her own. “I was pretty young, actually. Probably about 7 or 8 when I realized I was attracted to girls. Didn’t tell my parents until way later while I was at Oxford, though.”

“Oh? How did they take it?”

“They were disappointed at first. Mum really wanted grandkids and for me to have one of those grand Hindu weddings that last a week. You know how Indian families are.” She shrugged a little. “I said the wedding could still happen, just with two brides. And if they really wanted grandkids I mean there’s always adoption and the like. I even joked that I could always find an asari girlfriend to satisfy both of those but Dad wasn’t too keen on the idea.”

John smiled at the thought of the Communications Officer with kids. “They eventually accepted who you are, though right?”

“Eventually, yes. As far as kids, though. I guess it’ll depend on finding the right woman.” Her smile diminished as her eyes lowered to the chess board. “But that may never happen if we don’t defeat the Reapers.”

“Hey…” Shepard slowly rose from his seat and then stepped over to sit next to Traynor. A hand then tenderly rested on her shoulder. “We will. You know we will.”

Sam’s gaze lifted with a somber demeanor. “I’m going to hold you to that, Sir.” Her own hand then reached across to lightly pat his. “For now, though. It’s my turn to ask you a personal question. If… that’s alright.”

John tilted his head as his hand withdrew from her shoulder carefully. “I guess that’s fair. Go for it.”

“I can sense that you’re somewhat confused about your feelings for Kaidan. Why?”

Shepard tightened his lips and closed his eyes for a moment as fingers rose up to rub the bridge of his nose. “You sure you want to know?”

“I don’t see why not. And as you said this is between us.” Traynor elbowed John’s side lightly with a smile. “Tell me.”

After letting loose a very long breath, the Commander nodded and reopened his eyes to tell the tale.

“I was a street kid growing up. Never knew my parents. Joined the Alliance at 18 to get out of the gutter and do something better with my life. My squad was a bunch of testosterone laden, cocky jarheads with two things on their mind. Shooting things and getting laid.

“It was very obvious that most of us were all about finding women every time we had shore leave.” John leaned back on the couch and let his hands rest on his chest. “I would partake once in a while, myself. But most of the time I preferred a good book and a bottle of scotch to keep me company.”

“I can understand both choices.” Traynor nodded as her elbows came to rest on her knees. “Go on…”

“I know that being gay and in the military isn’t as frowned upon as it used to be, but there’s still a certain… definition of how a soldier is supposed to be. Also I really wasn’t even looking at other men like that. Among my squad mates, homosexuality usually never went further than jokes about how hot it would be to watch two asari make out.” The Commander paused and cleared his throat just as his eyes turned back to Samantha. “No offense.”

“None taken. I’m almost positive that two asari together would be quite a show.” Sam chuckled and smiled a little wider.

“I met Kaidan when I joined the crew of the SR-1 to be Captain Anderson’s new XO. Our first mission was on Eden Prime. We lost Corporal Richard Jenkins and also recruited Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams there to help us find a Prothean beacon.”

“Ooooh yes. I’ve seen both of their names on the memorial wall.” Sam folded her hands underneath her chin with a small nod. “So what happened?”

“Well we found the beacon, but as I was calling the Normandy for an evac, I suddenly saw Kaidan being pulled in to it. He must have stepped too close to it or something.” Shepard’s head rolled around on the top of the couch until he was looking up towards the ceiling. “I moved to grab and roll him out of the way without really thinking about it. Then I got hit with the beacon instead.” A hand fell against his forehead with fingers stroking just above his eyebrows. “He apologized profusely afterwards but I told him it wasn’t his fault.”

“Sounds like you cared for him even then but didn’t quite realize it,” the Specialist observed.

“Maybe.” The Commander smiled faintly. “Anyway, none of us even knew he’s bisexual until one night when he, Ashley and I were enjoying some drinks at Flux. She had said that Kaidan needed to loosen up a bit and enjoy himself. There was this one Alliance recruit on the dance floor that Ashley had her eyes on and mentioned he was cute. Kaidan then says to both of our surprise, ‘He does have a nice ass, but he’s not my type.’”

Sam couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Sounds like he was drunk.”

“He never stays drunk for long, so I doubt it. Biotic metabolism and all.” John shrugged faintly. “Should have seen Ashley’s face, though. I mean she was tipsy but could still make coherent sentences. I distinctly remember her responding with, ‘I swear it’s always the quiet ones who’re the most perverted.’”

“She sounds like my kind of girl. But I’m guessing she was very straight... and probably tried to flirt with you too,” Traynor mused.

“Oh she definitely tried. Liara did too. I think Wrex eventually told Ash to settle down.” John chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Kaidan never said anything to me about his own feelings, at least not directly. I was way too focused on Saren and the geth at the time, though to even notice.”

“So what you’re saying is that you were being a dumbass,” Sam rolled her eyes in turn as she continued to listen.

The Commander sighed heavily. “Yup. One huge oblivious dumbass. At least until Virmire happened.”

“Ooooh. I read about that. Where you lost Ashley, right?”

“Worse. We were setting up a nuke to take out the facility and both Kaidan & Ashley were split up with separate teams. Eventually Saren caught wind of our plan and sent geth to attack both teams simultaneously. I was forced to make the worst a choice a soldier ever has to.” His hand curled into a fist against his forehead. “I could only save one of them.”

Samantha nodded against her hands, her face sympathetic. “You chose Kaidan…”

She could soon see tears starting to form in John’s eyes as his voice grew very quiet. “Yes. And I still wonder to this day if my underlying feelings for him were part of that decision. I don’t know.”

“Well I’m sure Ashley understands… wherever she is now,” Her own words a bit softer now, trying to comfort the man sitting next to her.

“Yeah… I think she does.” He smiled and looked over at the small model on the wall of the SR-1. “She was a hell of a soldier and fought to her last breath.”

“So… you saved him and then defeated Saren. Then the SR-1 gets destroyed. You all get separated. Then Horizon happened?”

Shepard’s gaze rolled back towards Sam while rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. “Not our finest hour, no. I didn’t hate him, though. I couldn’t.” He then nodded towards his desk. “First right side drawer.”

Traynor blinked but then pushed herself up and went to where she was instructed. Her hand tugged the drawer open and spied a black picture frame within. Once lifted and turned face up, the image stuttered faintly before finally showing an older headshot of a younger Lieutenant Alenko.

“EDI gave me that. Said she’d found the picture in the Alliance databanks. I must have stared at it a thousand times when we were still working with Cerberus.” John murmured.

“Does he know you have this?” She asked as she replaced the frame within the drawer.

“No. And I don’t have the heart to tell him either.”

The Specialist moved back around the desk and then returned to her spot upon the couch. “I think you will when you’re ready to. But seriously, when did you realize that you truly cared about him?”

The Commander sat up while combing his fingers through short hair. “I think it was when I saw him walk up to me during the committee hearing in Vancouver. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year, but somehow when he looked at me I just felt… relieved. It’s hard to explain.”

“I think it’s sweet.” Sam at this point had her elbows propped up on her knees with her chin in her hands.

“Maybe. But Sam, I have never felt this way about another person in my entire life.” John’s shoulders actually fell forwards a bit. “The fact that this same person just happens to be another man feels… complicated.”

“Oh bloody hell, Shepard.” Traynor snorted and elbowed the Commander in the side once more. “Whether you identify as gay, straight, bi or whatever isn’t the point. You love him and he loves you. Don’t overthink it and just appreciate what you have, alright?”

That caused Shepard to rub his side in mock protest with a small chuckle. “Overthinking it, huh?”

“Exactly. Just enjoy yourselves and hopefully you two will be able to have a long and happy life together after the war. Maybe even have a few kids of your own. Just don’t ask me to be a surrogate.” She wrinkled her nose at the very thought of it. “I appreciate you both, but not enough to blow up like a balloon for 10 months.”

That caused John to laugh loudly and shake his head “Duly noted. But anyways… should we get back to our game?”

“Oh yes lets… I believe it’s my move next?”

John smiled with a slow nod as he shifted back to his original seat and grabbed his game pad. “Game on.”

\----------------------------


	23. Remnants of Departed Ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus has some unfinished business to discuss with Kaidan...

It was nice to have Tali back on the Normandy, even at the expense of having some of the other Admirals along for the ride as well. The decision to go after the geth yet again was probably not one of the quarians’ better judgement calls, however.

Shepard had gone with Tali and EDI to get the Geth Dreadnought’s guns offline which left the rest of the crew to entertain the Admirals in the meantime.

After making sure Admiral Raan was set up in the War Room, Kaidan found himself on the Crew Deck looking over the memorial wall in silence. A hand rose with his fingertip languidly tracing along each letter of Thane’s name.

As much as the drell had requested that he disentangle his complex feelings and fully commit to Shepard, the Major couldn’t dismiss the torment within his heart. Not yet anyways.

“Alenko? Surprised to see you here already,” came a familiar voice from behind him.

Kaidan quickly dropped his hand and glanced over his shoulder to see the all too familiar face of Garrus standing nearby. “The Admirals settled in pretty quickly, actually.”

“Right.” The turian nodded. “So I take it you have a few extra minutes for us to have a chat, mmm?”

A chat? The biotic wasn’t expecting to have a talk with the turian anytime soon. He turned and then beckoned for the two of them to continue their conversation in the Starboard Observation Room.

Soon they were both seated upon opposite couches and Garrus turned with a leg propping up in front of him. “With Tali back on board, I suddenly realized that we should clear the air about something while we still can.”

“Something serious?” The Major’s eyebrows raised curiously even as he huffed out a small laugh. “Alright Garrus. I’m game. What’s up?”

The fellow soldier nodded once and then reclined a bit more with his hands in his lap. “So I’ll get this out of the way right off the bat. I heard you and Shepard are now… intimate.” His mandibles twitched upon speaking that last word. “I just hope that it won’t interfere with either of your duties.”

Kaidan’s eyes widened as his jaw fell a bit slack. With a quick clearing of his throat he shifted a little in his own seat. “Well shit. News sure travels fast around here.”

“We’re on a small ship with the entire crew bumping into each other multiple times on a daily basis, Major. Of course news gets around.” Garrus responded dryly but then lowered his voice a bit. “Also I lost 400 credits in Joker’s betting pool.”

“Four hundred? What was the bet exactly?”

Another mandible twitch. “If you two would fuck before the end of the mission or not.”

“Oh for the love of…” The Major threw up his hands in disgust and then ran both through his hair. “I don’t believe this.”

“Oh come on, Alenko. You both have been giving each other ‘fuck me’ stares since you came back on board.” Leave it to Garrus Vakarian to be blunt; and in much more dry wit way than Joker does. “And that whole shouting spree on Horizon was dripping with so much sexual tension that I almost tripped on it.”

Kaidan’s eyes narrowed almost to slits as his jaw tightened. “I think I was quite justified in my concern that you all were working with Cerberus, thank you very much.”

“Oooh sure. Throwing a temper tantrum at the one man you cared about was completely justified? Next you’ll tell me that Udina set up that whole Coup attempt just because he was bored.” Garrus wasn’t about to let up about this until the Major made a confession of some sort, apparently.

“A temper tantrum?!?” All of the biotic’s defense mechanisms to subdue his temper were beginning to fade. Hands curled into such tight fists that his knuckles were almost white. “He just showed up out of nowhere after two fucking years and…”

“He was DEAD, Kaidan!” Garrus interrupted. “Spirits, it’s not like he even hated you or anything. In fact I caught him staring at your picture one time in his cabin before he quickly shoved the thing into a drawer.”

“A… picture?” Admittedly the Major hadn’t been to Shepard’s cabin. Their relationship was still far too green for him to be invited up there yet. His shoulders sagged just a touch as his hands unfurled to his sides.

“Yeah and maybe if you had actually let him explain himself in more than three sentences, then you could have slipped that stubborn ass off your high horse and probably gotten laid a hell of a lot sooner.” Garrus’ own eyes narrowed as he sat up; challenging the biotic with a willful stare.

That last bit seemed to strike Kaidan to his core. His demeanor shifted from enraged to dumbfounded in the blink of an eye. His back then slide until he was laying down on the couch, legs dangling off to the side. “Jesus, Garrus it was never about sex,” he finally said as fingers began to massage along his forehead.

The turian grunted loudly in contempt. “Uh huh…” he candidly responded. “Just know that if you break his heart again, then a bullet will be in yours before you have a chance to take another breath. Are we clear, Alenko?”

“Crystal…” the Major said with a noticeable wince and then covered his eyes with the back of his arm. He had to get his feelings sorted out… soon. He had no intention of hurting John ever again if he could help it. His lingering thoughts about Thane would have to wait for now.

Just then the door popped open and in walked Tali, just back from their mission. “Hey Garrus I heard you were in he…” She paused with her masked gaze shifting between what appeared to be an exhausted Kaidan and a slightly perturbed Garrus. “Um… I feel like I just walked into something I shouldn’t have.”

“We were just finishing up, actually. Glad you’re back, Tali.” Vakarian’s mood rapidly shifted from agitated to pleased as he pushed himself up from the couch. “So everything went well over there?”

“Oh yes! We took down the geth network and get this… we found Legion over there!” Most would never think of a quarian being so happy to see a geth, but Tali was all but giddy about the discovery of their friend.

“Wait. Legion? Seriously?” Garrus actually smiled “Is he here? Can we go talk to him?”

“Who’s Legion?” Kaidan had finally piped up since he was still in the room and was almost completely forgotten by the other two at this point.

“He’s ah.” Tali nervously wrung her hands as she glanced over to the Major. “Please don’t get upset Kaidan but… he’s a geth who helped us fight the Collectors.”

The biotic slowly sat up and sighed. He really had missed out on a lot in the past year. “And it… sorry, he is now aboard the Normandy?”

The quarian nodded as she moved her gaze between Kaidan and Garrus. “He’s in the War Room right now with Shepard. Come on, Garrus I’ll take you up to say hello.”

Vakarian lightly pat the girl on the shoulder. “Sure Tali. Lead the way…”

And soon Kaidan was left in the Observation Room alone to mull over everything that just happened…

\----------------------------


	24. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Rannoch, Shepard defeats yet another Reaper... and then returns to the Normandy with a bit of pent up aggression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... the last half of this chapter is about as raunchy as I've done with smut up to this point! 
> 
> Also it's kind of an homage to specific chapters in both ArticLucie's 'Of Elevators and Eclairs' and ellebeedarling's 'Someone to Love'. If you've read either of them, you'll know which chapters I'm talking about.

Shepard was due to return from the mission to Rannoch at any moment. The crew had all heard his conversation with EDI that he, Legion, Tali and Garrus were dealing not just with geth but an actual Reaper destroyer down there.

Suddenly Shepard’s voice was echoing throughout the ship as he announced, “EDI! Patch the quarians to the Normandy’s weapons system. I want the targeting laser synced to the whole damn fleet.”

“Acknowledged,” came EDI’s brisk response.

Everyone was absolutely on edge as they knew this meant the Commander was doing something completely reckless… again. “Shepard to Fleet! I’ll paint the weak spot. Link up with the Normandy and be ready to fire!”

Ok not just reckless but utterly insane. 

“The destroyer is in range. Missiles are ready for launch!” EDI answered as she tapped upon a few panels in front of her.

Joker quickly turned his head towards her with eyes as wide as saucers. “Wait, is he doing what I think he’s doing?”

A small array of red laser shots were seen coming from the planet’s surface and then a loud blast coming from the Commander’s com. Soon the Flight Lieutenant was forced to make evasive maneuvers to keep those laser attacks at bay. “Shit!” he squinted. “Well that answers that question.”

Another series of explosions later, and suddenly the entire quarian fleet opened fire groundward towards the precise location that Shepard had directed them to. Everyone aboard the Normandy was suddenly at a window, cheering at the top of their lungs as they watched each shot go off like a series of fireworks.

That seemed to do the job as the onslaught of lasers suddenly stopped. That was a pretty clear indication to everyone that the Reaper was finally down. Shepard’s count now stood at three Reapers down; two within the last month. While the second was technically taken down by Kalros, it was the Commander and the krogan who summoned her there to do the deed.

At least now both the geth and quarians could move forwards with the goal of achieving peace. Or so they thought…

Unfortunately Admiral Han’Gerrel was still of the mind to solve their problems by simply attacking the geth ships while they were vulnerable. Tali begged him to stop over the coms, but the Admiral was having none of it.

Soon after the voice of the Commander was once again booming through the com speakers, “All ships. This is Commander Shepard. The Reaper is dead. Stand down!”

“This is Admiral Tali’ Zorah.” Tali’s voice echoed through soon after. “Shepard speaks with my authority.”

“And mine as well,“ came Admiral Zaal’Koris’ own affirmation, giving Shepard’s words even more weight.

Gerrel, as always, was being as stubborn as ever. “Negative! We can win this war now. Keep firing!”

“Good lord. Does Gerrel have a stick up his bum or what?” This came from Traynor who had migrated into the Normandy’s bridge to better watch the action from the windows in there.

Evidently the Commander was finished with the quarian Admiral’s insistence as well. The whole crew went eerily quiet as John spoke with a signature bravado he was so famous for.

“The geth are about to return to full strength. If you keep attacking, they’ll wipe you out. Your entire history is you trying to kill the geth. You forced them to rebel. You forced them to ally with the Reapers. The geth don’t want to fight you. If you can believe that for just one minute, this war will be over. You have a choice. Please… Keelah se’lai.”

There was about 20 seconds of silence that followed after the man’s speech. Just about everyone was holding their breath as they all waited in agonizing anticipation for what Gerrel would do next.

“All units… hold fire,” was the Admiral’s consequent reply. All the guns from the remaining ships ceased and everyone let out a simultaneous sigh of relief.

Well, everyone except for Javik who soon wandered through the Crew Deck hallway grumbling about how the quarians should have just finished what they started.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Kaidan had been in the mess with Liara, Kenneth Donnelly, and Gabby Daniels when all of this happened. He couldn’t help but display a warm smile with his chin dropping into his hand as they all heard Shepard’s speech to cool Gerrel down.

“Ooooh I think I just won 150 credits,” came Liara’s voice as the Major suddenly blinked out of his revelry.

“Oh Liara, no not you too,” the biotic groaned and rolled his eyes while clicking his teeth.

“Wait wha?” Donnelly was apparently confused. “There was a bet and we missed out on it?”

Daniels chuckled as she took a bite of her sandwich, “Yeah Joker started a wager that Shepard and the Major here would be a couple before we were done with the Reapers.”

Kenneth slammed his coffee cup upon the table, nearly making hot liquid fly everywhere. “Why weren’ we invited inte the pot?”

Liara couldn’t help but chuckle at Ken’s reaction. “Maybe you should ask Joker yourself? And more precisely I believe the conditions were that they… consummate the relationship.”

And now Alenko’s face was just about every shade of red possible for a human being to produce. He quickly cleared his throat and rose from his chair. “I… I’ll see you all later,” he stammered and then immediately exited towards the elevator.

He did manage to overhear Donnelly mention something about challenging Joker to a poker game in order to win the money he should have won from the bet… just as the elevator doors closed shut.

\----------------------------

Kaidan had no idea how long he’d been standing there in front of Shepard’s cabin. He just knew he had to corner the Commander straight away so he could discuss not only their relationship going forward but also to come clean about what happened with Thane.

Finally he heard the elevator open and John emerged from within still decked his full armor.

“John. Hey…” the Major smiled and pushed himself off the wall. “I was hoping we c….”

His words were completely cut off in an instant as his mouth was abruptly stolen by Shepard’s and his entire body was pressed against the wall with a cacophonous thunk. Brown eyes went wide at the onslaught but then quickly closed as he wrapped his arms around the other man and dove his lips in with increased aggression to match.

“You have no idea…” John managed to whisper between harsh kisses, “how much I want you right now.” Gloved hands were already reaching down to grab firmly on the other man’s ass over his BDUs.

“I have an inkling…” Kaidan grinned against those soft lips. “But… we should probably head inside… first.”

Seems that the Commander was in agreement as he stepped back just enough for the door to open and then crooked a finger in a teasing motion, beckoning the older man inside. The Major wasn’t even given a proper opportunity to appreciate any of the décor as he was then shoved back against the smooth glass of the fish tank.

Shepard’s omni tool chimed to lock the door and then spoke with his lust-filled eyes directly focused on the biotic. “EDI. Please hold any requests until I specify otherwise… and for fuck’s sake turn off the cameras.”

“Commander, I wouldn’t suggest…” was EDI’s initial response.

“Just do it, EDI!”

“Acknowledged.”

John’s gloves were soon discarded to the floor behind him with his fingers soon reaching up to Kaidan’s cheeks. With a loud breath he leaned forwards with lips almost bruising the other man’s as they connected.

Kaidan whimpered as his blunt fingers soon rose up and dug in along the hard shoulder pads of Shepard’s armor. He soon felt his form shifting as the younger man’s grasp had dropped to his waist and then abruptly swung him around to face the tank.

Shepard’s lips were soon dragging along his amp port as fingers then roughly tugged his shirt loose from the confining waistband. “Do you want me to fuck you?” was whispered against the Major’s neck which cause his entire body to tremble uncontrollably.

“Yes…” the Major’s breathed in reply and pressed himself backwards against the armor. He could feel John’s lips smile against his skin as his shirt was pulled up. A nipple was tugged between two fingers while teeth soon snagged an earlobe. 

“You’re making me so hard right now…” The fingernails of the Commander’s other hand then dragged their way down through the other man’s chest hair and eventually found their way past that damned waistband. “Mmmm.” John murmured with delight. “And so are you.”

It was no mystery that Kaidan’s own cock was straining against his pants at this point. He’d never experienced anything like this. Such raw lust oozing from the man now pressed up against him was startling… and an immense turn on.

Shepard quickly loosened the biotic's pants before coarsely pulling them down to his ankles. The Major’s erection bounced free even as he emitted a loud gasp in response. Lips were soon felt on each nether cheek as hands spread his thighs apart just a bit more. “You’re so beautiful, Kaidan…”

The biotic bit his lip hard and rolled his head forward against the glass. The wetness of John’s tongue rolled along the length of his perineum before one ball then the other were sucked past his lips. His throat rumbled softly as he pulled away… only to soon suck on a finger and then roll it teasingly around the tight muscle before him.

“Ah fuck….” was all Kaidan could say as hips shivered against Shepard’s finger. That same finger was soon replaced by the warmth of the younger man’s tongue pressing against his entrance. This was something that even Kaidan hadn’t experienced before… and certainly didn’t expect John to be so bold as to even attempt such a thing. He jerked once at the sensation which only caused the Commander’s hands to grip each cheek tightly to hold him steady.

A moan was heard behind him as that deft tongue darted in and out a few times. Finally two fingers replaced the tongue with a sharp push as Shepard stood back up. “You taste good…” he grinned with fingers now moving back and forth and his still armor-clad form pushing the Major further against the glass. "No lube…” he whispered near the older man’s neck even as his other hand had popped the cup off his armor and let his now raging hard length fall free from beneath the under armor below.

Not that the biotic cared at this very moment. His ass was being assaulted by the Commander’s thick fingers and his own erection was throbbing for release. He heard Shepard spit a few times upon his free hand and then reach down to rotate his fingers around his cock before removing his fingers and pressing just the tip against his lover’s opening. “Say you want me…”

“I want you John… p-please! Fuck me…”

And with that Kaidan soon felt Shepard’s length shoot forwards with one brisk stroke and fill his insides with his thickness. Unlike his experience with Thane, this was much more carnal. John was hungry, and his fervor only blossomed as he began to thrust his hips. The biotic’s mouth fell open and exhaled a groan each time their hips met.

The Commander pulled his lover tight to his chest and then turned his head to bite at the Major’s lower lip even as he built up speed. “You like that?” he rumbled with a sly grin.

“Yes John…” He gritted his teeth as Shepard tugged at his nipple yet again. “Fuck!”

John was all but pounding against his hips by now as he grunted loudly. Soon his hand fell down to grab a hold of Kaidan’s own length and stroke the hard flesh at an accelerated pace. It didn’t take long for the biotic’s entire body to spasm and heavy spurts of come to be shot forth against the glass. Shepard followed soon after, spilling his warm seed after only a couple more thrusts and a loud groan against the Major’s ear.

They then stood there in silence except for the expeditious breaths they both still had after such an animalistic encounter. Finally as John’s cock began to soften he slowly stepped away and flopped down on the floor near the desk. “Holy fuck…” he exclaimed soon after with a nervous chuckle.

“I ah… can I have a towel at least?” was Kaidan’s next question as he was still standing there with pants still at his ankles.

“Oh shit, sorry.” John forced himself up and stepped into the washroom… snagging a towel from the shelf and then tossing it quickly over to the other man. After that he tucked himself back into his under armor and walked over to gently kiss the back of the Major’s neck. “I’m… I don’t know why… I’m not usually like that, Kaidan.”

The biotic wiped himself off before pulling his pants and briefs gingerly back up over his hips and his shirt soon following to tuck back into the waistband somewhat haphazardly. “Don’t apologize.” With a slow turn he grabbed the back of his lover’s neck and pulled him in for a gentle kiss. “It was actually pretty hot.” He chuckled.

John chuckled in turn and slid his arms around Kaidan’s waist. “Yeah well I guess defeating a Reaper is a huge turn on.” He then leaned in with his forehead touching the older man’s. “And so are you.”

“Mmmm. I’m glad. Though I do hope it won’t take killing another one for something like that to ever happen again…”

Shepard offered a lopsided grin “I doubt it…” he murmured. “Anyways you sounded like you needed to tell me something earlier?”

Kaidan’s heart sunk for a brief moment. Now was definitely not the time. “It can wait,” was his answer. “For now I think you need to get out of that armor, and then explain to me why you have a fish tank in here.”

“Oh I think that can be arranged…”


	25. Got the Flush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew partake in a casual Poker game, with friendly jabs and touching moments shared between them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poker game is actually a rather madcap melding of 3 different in-game scenes. Hope you all enjoy!

John drowsily opened his eyes and yawned deeply which caused the older man nestled up next to him to slightly shift. He softly smiled at the sight of the Major still asleep against his chest. Fingertips rose and delicately brushed a few stray curls away from Kaidan’s forehead as he laid there thinking.

The intense passion both men shared just hours before was definitely not Shepard’s style. It was apparent they’d both enjoyed it, but John felt so very guilty about it afterwards. After a small tour of the cabin, some conversation and a few glasses of whiskey… the Major had reassured him as they made love once more and then fell asleep in each other’s arms.

And now as much as John wanted to just remain there with the man he loved, he did have to get up and resume his duties. He delicately kissed the other man’s forehead before forcing himself to slip out of the biotic’s loose grasp and rise from the bed. He did manage a sideways glance and a gentle smile at the contrast of Kaidan’s dusky skin against the stark white sheets. How John had deserved such a beautiful man was still a bit of a mystery to him, but he wasn’t about to question it right now.

As the Commander padded along towards the washroom, something else then caught his eye. Kaidan’s shirt was still on the floor near the couch and his dog tags had followed along with it. He spied a strange glint coming from the tags and then knelt down to take a closer look. John’s fingers carefully turned the two tags and saw a small silver cricket dangling with them. The insect’s eyes held two brown stones very similar to the Major’s own eye color.

A gift from his mother maybe? She is half Chinese, as Shepard had been told. No. This was a more recent addition, as he’s seen Kaidan’s tags at Huerta after Mars. There was some special reason the older man carried it now, but it was something John couldn’t dwell on at this very moment. He carefully replaced the dog tags and stood back up with a slight crease to his brow, nonetheless.

After a quick shower, the Commander got dressed and slipped out of the room as quietly as possible… allowing his lover to enjoy his rest.

\----------------------------

Later that evening, the crew had taken Vega’s suggestion to partake in a poker game in celebration of their victory on Rannoch. James was joined by Joker, Steve, Garrus, Kenneth, Gabby, Tali, Kaidan and Shepard. Only Tali was new to the game, but she proved to be a quick study.

Joker was out first, as expected. In an attempted bluff against Kenneth, he lost it all with only a pair of 8’s to the Scotsman’s triple 4’s. His poker face was so transparent that even Tali saw through it in an instant. All he could do now was sit back with a scowl as the others continued on.

“Just be happy this isn’t strip poker, Moreau,” quipped Garrus as Donnelly scooped up all of Joker’s remaining chips. “Not that we want to see you naked anyway.”

Gabby chuckled as she set her chin in her hand. “With all the extranet porn I’ve heard he’s got, I’m sure we could find you something much more attractive to look at, Garrus.”

“Ok low blow Daniels. Besides what makes you think I even have any turian images?”

Shepard grunted and dropped his face into his hand. “Hey at least you didn’t have to walk up to the cockpit and hear some of said porn through his speakers.”

“Hey! I said that was an accident!” Joker quickly shook his head and tugged his cap briskly over his face.

Tali glanced around at the others as she was still quite new to all of this. “Wait, back up. Strip poker? You mean… with clothing? Well obviously I couldn’t be part of that. Not unless you all want me spending the next month in the Medbay as a result.”

“Nah I think we’d all prefer for you to remain quite healthy, Tali.” Kaidan smiled and rolled up his two cards between his fingers as they waited to place bets. “That reminds me, Shepard. You left this morning without waking me.”

John was sipping on his beer when the Major said that and soon nearly choked on the liquid in surprise. He totally did not expect the other man to bring that up… especially in front of everyone. “Sorry about that, Kaidan. I just didn’t have the heart,” he finally said with a small cough.

As they each threw in a few chips for the next bet, the Major chuckled and offered the younger man a sly wink. “Ah well thanks but next time.... wake me.”

Joker visibly grimaced and crossed his arms, “Ugh. Ok I purposely split you up so we didn’t have to watch you two suck face all night. That includes flirting… kapiche?”

Steve just smiled warmly as his own deep blue eyes darted between John and Kaidan a few times. “I think it’s sweet, and we don’t tease about your relationship with EDI, Joker. That is way weirder than anything these two are doing. Cut ‘em some slack.”

James threw in a few more chips just as Garrus and Tali both folded for this round. “Hey you didn’t lose 500 credits when we all found out about this, Cortez.” His hand motioned between the Commander and the Major a couple times. “I was so certain these two would keep fighting or just avoid each other as much as possible.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes and grunted as the Joker pool was once again in the midst of conversation. Shepard, on the other hand, could barely contain the sheer amusement on his face at this point. Catching the Major’s malcontent he simply mouthed, ‘you started this’ with a wink back.

“Yeah abou’ tha.” Donnelly was apparently still very bitter about being left out. “Why dinnae you tell Gabby an’ me abou’ it, Joker?”

“Probably because you wouldn’t have been able to keep your mouth shut about it, Kenneth.” Gabby was still in, matching James’ bet and waiting for the next card.

“Keelah. Would you all just stop with this stupid bet already?” Tali was already exhausted with the whole discussion. “We’re here to kick the Reapers back to where they came from, not to worry about who the Commander is sleeping with.”

Kaidan chuckled and raised his glass toward Tali in appreciation. “Hear hear. But hey it’s still impressive that Shepard totally took down a Reaper back there on Rannoch.”

John had already folded this round so was just kicking back, listening to everyone else. At the biotic’s statement he did smirk just a touch. “Yep. Sure did.” Whether that reaction was due to the Reaper or his activities with Kaidan afterwards was something he was keeping to himself.

“And honestly that was quite the negotiation you pulled off.” The Major continued, perhaps not even catching if John had meant the latter. “Having both the quarians and the geth on our side is a very good thing,”

Joker nodded in agreement. “Damn straight it is. And also that’s the first time I’ve seen someone win a war by yelling, am I right?”

Shepard crossed his arms and smiled. “Well after seeing what the geth rebellion really looked like, I figured they deserved a chance.”

“Thank you, Commander,” EDI soon interjected over the com. “I doubt many organics would have trusted a synthetic race.” It was sometimes easy to forget that EDI could join a conversation at any time since she was all over the ship.

“And now we have two fleets the price of one,” the Flight Lieutenant agreed as his face brightened. “We didn’t lose anybody.”

“Except Legion.” EDI’s voice was soon panged with a touch of sadness. “Before it sacrificed itself, Legion referred to itself as ‘I’ instead of ‘we’.”

Tali glanced between Joker and the ceiling com as she wrung her hands together in apparent anguish as well. She was there with Shepard when Legion died, and this was all still very raw for her.

Joker just shrugged slightly. “Yeah? So?”

“The singular pronoun indicates that Legion’s independent personality had fully actualized. In its last moments, it was not an avatar of the geth consensus. It was a person.”

Kaidan actually blinked a few times as he watched the others. He hadn’t had the chance to talk much with Legion. Observing how much the other crew members cared about this particular geth was still so strange for him.

“Yeah. That’s what I figured.” The Commander affirmed EDI’s statement with his own features stricken with grief.

Joker sighed and bowed his head in mourning. “Well when the geth fleet help us retake Earth. I guess we’ll owe that to… him.”

The whole room soon went silent for what seemed like forever before Garrus finally cleared his throat, lifted his glass and looked around the table “A toast then… to Legion.”

“To Legion!” everyone lifted their glasses and then took a good long drink in his honor.

After the toast, they continued playing for a while until Tali and Gabby were also cleaned out. John, Garrus, Steve and Kenneth had simply decided to stop playing and hold onto what little chips they had left for next time.

Eventually it was down to James and Kaidan who went a few more rounds at a virtual standstill. Shepard knew Kaidan was very patient and could read tells, but James was an expert at bluffing and had already changed all his tells to keep the Major guessing.

Everyone else then watched in astonishment as Kaidan suddenly pushed the rest of his chips forward and exclaimed with a confident smirk. “I call. Got the flush.”

“Mmmm.” James slowly flipped over one card and then the other with a devilish grin. “Full house. Caught it on the river.”

And that’s when the biotic’s face went completely slack and he emitted a very coarse, “Shit…”

“Thought you were bluffing on the flush. Good for you.”

Kaidan just sat back and crossed his arms with a slight pout. “Can it, Lieutenant.”

Shepard had brought a hand up to his lips in an attempt to hide just how much he wanted to laugh at that pout. The older man looked absolutely pitiful as he truly thought he had the better hand.

“Oh ho ho! Yes sir, Major Alenko, sir.” James was apparently wanting to parade around that he beat the second best player at the table for all it was worth. “But seriously, that really as deep as your pockets go? No sentimental crap stowed away? Investments?”

Kaidan creased his brows in thought for an instant. “I got some land on the Sunshine coast I could put up.” Hopefully he was kidding, though his voice didn’t sound like he was.

“Oh no, Kaidan,” pleaded John. “You love that house. Please don’t.” As much as the older man had reminisced about that house on English Bay, he'd better not use it as currency.

Vega just leaned forwards and dragged all of the chips from the middle to his side with a snide, “Heh, I’ll pass. No offense, Major.”

“Well since Vega just cleaned me out, I’m gonna call it a night.” The Major pushed his hands upon the table to rise to his feet.

Joker nodded and followed Kaidan’s movements, albeit at a much slower pace “Me too. Been fun.”

“Commander!” piped in Samantha’s voice suddenly over the com. “I just got a lead about some Cerberus defectors hiding out on Gellix. I think we should check it out.”

Shepard’s brows lifted as he was also in the process of standing up. “Good catch, Traynor.” He then looked around “James? Garrus? With me. Cortez? Get the shuttled prepped. Let’s go see what she found.”

“Aye aye, Commander” came both Cortez and Garrus’ responses.

“Dammit. I was on a roll too,” grunted James as he reluctantly stood up himself so they could all prepare for yet another run-in with Cerberus troops.


	26. Good People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After running into Jacob and the Cerberus scientists on Gellix, Shepard sits down with Kaidan to address a few concerns still on the Major's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've finally come to the realization that despite my original intention to have this story be one Chapter a day just for October, there's still way too much to tell for it to fit in 31 Chapters. I'll be continuing it pretty much as long as I can which I think will give much more depth to everything going on.
> 
> Today is some more fluff and then we'll finally be hitting some Citadel DLC goodies. Get ready!

The Cerberus base on Gellix turned out to be housing a whole entourage of surprises.

First Shepard and company discover that Cerberus troops were attacking their own people.

Then they found Jacob Taylor among the defectors, which was a welcome sight.

Oh and Dr. Gavin Archer was one of the scientists hiding out there, which was not a welcome sight.

Also as Dr. Brynn Cole explained, they left Cerberus after she found out the Illusive Man was making scientists who were no longer useful to him ‘disappear’.

Also they all had brought their families there.

Oh and apparently Dr. Cole and Jacob were in a relationship now, too.

The sheer abundance of information from that little side trip was enough to make anyone’s head spiral in multiple directions.

After James, Garrus and Shepard returned to the Normandy, John was beyond exhausted both physically and mentally. After shimmying out of his armor and a long shower, he finally forced himself down to the mess to grab some coffee and maybe a small bite to eat.

Too bad a simple walk to the mess was to be interrupted by James & Garrus standing there in a rather charming bit of verbal sparring. Well more like an ‘I’m more badass than you’ match which was in full hearing range of anyone else close by.

“Okay. Back in my C-Sec days, I busted a batarian spy ring that was trying to assassinate a Councilor.” Well Garrus was off to a good start. Whether it was true or not was up for debate.

James wasn’t about to be undone, though. “Please I fought off a dozen angry batarians on Omega single-handedly. Used one of them as a landing pad off a three story jump.”

Shepard just rolled his eyes and continued on towards the coffee pot without either the Lieutenant or the turian even noting that he was there. After quick pour of dark liquid, he pulled the porcelain cup up and slowly blew across the top as steam flew past his nose. He couldn’t be happier now that Cortez had gotten them that supply of Kona. Lips parted to take the quickest of sips as tired fingers snagged a nearby energy bar from the counter.

“Back on Fehl Prime, I uncovered a pair of Harvesters. Had to kill them. By myself.” James was upping the ante even as the Commander finally stepped out of hearing range and back towards the elevator.

Traynor appeared soon after as she’d come down herself for a quick break. She nearly bumped into John and the hot cup in his hand before she stepped back in a hurry. “OH! I’m so sorry, Commander.”

“It’s fine, Sam. I wasn’t fully paying attention either, I guess.” He elongated his neck and chin forwards to slurp a bit more coffee to remove any further chances of it spilling on him or anyone else.

Samantha wrinkled her nose at the somewhat irritating noise before clearing her throat. “Actually I’m glad that I caught you. Kaidan was asking if he could to speak with you, but didn’t want to disturb. I think he’s in the Crew Quarters.” She then thumbed down the hall towards that particular door.

John’s brow raised as he finally dropped the cup away from his lips. “Mmm?” His blue eyes then followed her thumb before returning a nod and soft smile. “Thanks.”

The Specialist smiled in return and leaned in closer whispering, “I hope everything is working out with you two.”

The Commander’s smile grew just a touch. “Things are great, thanks,” he murmured in return then motioned with his coffee cup down the hall. “I should… probably see what Kaid has to tell me, huh?”

“Of course. I’ll see you later…” Samantha nodded and turned towards the mess with a silent smirk at hearing Shepard call the Major ‘Kaid’. The smirk soon dropped as she heard James mention something about teaching a Harvester baby how to ride it.

When the door to the Crew Quarters slid open, John spotted Kaidan sitting at the common table reading over a report on one of a few datapads resting nearby. His honey brown eyes soon lifted to spy whomever had entered then greeted his lover with a brilliant smile.

“Hey…. There you are,” the Major crooned as Shepard stepped closer with his coffee cup still in hand.

The Commander faintly shook his head while beaming towards the other man. As he slid into a chair nearby and set down his coffee, he couldn’t help but offer a teasing response of “Are you flirting with me?”

Kaidan chuckled as he dropped the datapad off to the side. “If you have to ask, then I'm clearly out of practice.” Fingers gingerly reached across to clasp John’s hand. Their eyes soon met as his voice lowered down into that lasciviously husky whisper he was so damned good at. “When we have time, you'll have to let me practice…”

Shepard carefully twisted his wrist until their fingers linked together. They rose just enough for him to lean forward and softly kiss the back of Kaidan’s hand. “We’ll see,” he whispered back before languidly letting go. “Samantha said you wanted to talk about something?”

The Major almost didn’t want to take his hand back as John pulled away but then blinked quickly with a nod. “Yeah. I've just been sitting here thinking...”

“Uh oh.” John knew full well that meant the older man had a lot on his mind to discuss. He reclined backwards and prepared himself. “Okay, hit me with it.”

Kaidan leaned forward on the table with hands soon folded in front of him. “Those Cerberus scientists on Gellix. They were good people, right?”

Shepard’s forehead creased with surprise at the question. “What do you mean?”

“I mean Dr. Cole and her team, they seemed like... like good people.” The sheer puzzlement on the Major’s face was very apparent. “Knowing that, what do we do? What if there are more like them trapped inside Cerberus, struggling to get out?”

To be fair, Kaidan had been dealing with a lot of harsh reality shifts in recent days. First he learns that the geth only allied with the Reapers as a means of survival against the quarians. And now there was the fact that the organization whose terrible experiments for the ‘good of humanity’ had defectors who just wanted to have a normal life.

John snatched his coffee cup and watched his lover curiously. “What do you think we should do?” he asked before turning the cup for a long sip.

The biotic actually frowned a little and lowered his gaze. “I don't know, Shepard. These are the hard calls.” Thick brows furrowed as his confusion only seemed to worsen. “The decision to ‘sacrifice the one for the many’. The choice to leave someone behind? Until you're in that moment. I… I just don’t know.”

“Kaidan…” The Commander sighed softly, remembering once more how the man must have felt leaving him behind during the Collector attack. “Please stop beating yourself up over that. I ordered you to evacuate with the others. It was my decision.” Blue eyes almost twinkled as he offered a lopsided grin over the lip of his mug. “In hindsight a dumbass one, but mine nonetheless.”

“Sorry John,” Kaidan said before he caught the grin and then huffed a small laugh. There was no way he could stay upset with that stupid Shepard smile. “Dumbass or not, we wouldn’t still have Joker and his mouth with us if you hadn’t.”

“Well there you go.” John set his coffee cup back down on the table with a slow nod before continuing, “Anyone that comes forward, like these people or smart-aleck pilots, we help, no matter what. I mean it’s the best we can do.”

The Major couldn’t help but smile a little at that. “Yeah… I know.”

“You also have to understand Kaid… sometimes the best we can do won't feel like enough, but it's all we've got.”

Kaidan’s lips pulled into a thin line as he then slowly rose from his chair. Calloused hands fell behind his back at the waist as he began to slowly pace. “The scientists that put you back together, that saved your life. Were they also good people?”

Shepard’s brows raised as he watched the older man’s movements for a fleeting moment before answering. “They were professionals. I didn't know them all, of course.”

The Major nodded and paused in his steps, just staring at the wall in front of him. “And the Illusive Man?”

“You mean… was he a good person?” John crossed his arms and inclined his head with an inquisitive glance.

“Once? Ever?”

The Commander curled his lips in thought. “Well he gave me what I needed at the time to stop the Collectors...”

“Right…” Kaidan exhaled a deep breath before he turned back around to face his lover. “Exactly. But… you never saw this coming from them? From him?” A wince and a lowered gaze. “Sorry. I'm not sure what I want you to say here. I guess… I'm just looking for some sort of insight on the Illusive Man... Something. Anything really.”

Now it was John’s turn to emit somewhat frustrated sigh. “Back then he wanted the best for humanity, and he had resources to spare.” Lips dropped into a frown. “But then it became humanity first and at any cost. And that... that's a very different thing. But this?” There was a gentle shake of his head as he looked at Kaidan almost pleadingly. “No. I never saw anything like this coming from him.”

“Mmmm. Okay.” The biotic seemed satisfied with that answer even as he stepped over and settled back into his chair. “Thanks John. I'm… glad we could talk about this.”

“Me too.” Shepard then smiled warmly, very glad that the older man was feeling better. “Meanwhile, I think you should take a break and find some way to take your mind off things.”

The Major smiled in return and dropped his chin in his hand. “Yeah I know. Joker did ask me to give him some poker tips. He’s still losing his shirt to James.”

“Oh I’m not so sure that would be a good idea Mr. ‘I got some land on the Sunshine Coast I could put up.’” Shepard started to laugh which soon changed to a grunt as Kaidan’s boot lightly kicked his shin under the table. His lower lip poked out in a pout at his lover in response. “Just work on his poker face first, okay?”

“Hey, you know I like a challenge. Anyways, I should be able to come by your cabin later… if that’s alright?”

The Commander then stood up with the remains of his coffee and winked. “You bet…” He then turned and walked out with an extremely fake limp which caused Kaidan to chuckle and murmur, “Love you.”


	27. Something Fishy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Commander and crew are put on shore leave, and so their antics begin with an ill fated trip to a certain sushi bar...

After Gellix, the Normandy then traveled to Lesuss to handle a distress call from an Ardat-Yakshi monastery. It was there that Shepard, Liara and Javik ran into Samara and her two younger daughters. They also discovered, unfortunately, that the asari are not immune to the Reapers’ influence and the Justicar’s middle daughter, Rila was slowly being turned into one of their minions.

They were forced to use the bomb already at the facilities and Shepard managed to keep Samara from killing herself to save her youngest daughter, but the experience was quite taxing on everyone involved. Liara was not at all thrilled about this new knowledge of Banshees, and Javik was just glad to kill more Reapers. After saying their goodbyes to Samara and Falare, the three crewmates returned to the ship for a chance to wind down a bit.

\----------------------------

The next day, Shepard received a special message from Admiral Hackett stating that the Normandy and its crew were on mandatory shore leave for a week. Even more surprising was the invitation for the Commander to have full access to Anderson’s apartment on the Citadel. The ship docked for maintenance and most of the crew decided to have a little fun on the Silversun Strip in the process.

The apartment itself was gorgeous. It consisted of two floors with a huge kitchen, seating area and more. The place also had more than enough bedrooms for everyone to utilize when they’d come to visit. John did manage to grunt in surprise at the presence of a hot tub in the master bath. Then again Anderson had mentioned that he was planning to live here with Kahlee Sanders. Maybe it was her idea.

After finishing his solitary tour of the whole place and then changing into some casual attire, the Commander decided to go ahead and check his private messages. Curiously he spied a message from Joker asking to meet him at Ryuusei's Sushi Bar. He’d heard about the place being one of the most popular restaurants on the Citadel, and therefore really difficult to get a table at. Somehow Joker had pulled a few strings, so he wasn’t about to turn the invitation down.

Just as John mentioned that he’d get Joker two umbrellas for his refill, a jumpy woman with dark skin and an Alliance uniform ran up exclaiming that someone was trying to kill him. Ironic since the man thought this would be the one place where he wouldn’t be shot at. But then when Maya Brooks also mentioned that his accounts were being hacked, he was suddenly much more concerned.

And then a half a dozen armored men with assault rifles began to parade in through the restaurant.

“Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Tonight’s performance is brought to you by random acts of violence.”

Luckily they were just shooting around to get most of the guests to leave rather than targeting anyone specifically.

“Spread out, boys! Find me Shepard.”

Okay scratch that.

A brief shootout and a brisk fall through the fish tank floor later, Shepard was then slightly bruised, completely soaked, and armed with nothing more than a tiny hand pistol.

After Maya Brooks finally patched back into his earpiece, she directed him to find his way to Cision Motors for a possible shuttle pickup. Unfortunately due to the attack on the sushi place, C-Sec had locked everything down which meant he had to get there on foot.

After jumping over a few nearby buildings, the Commander was soon in the middle of a small shopping area completely overrun with these mercenaries. He’d have to somehow dodge them all with no armor and no backup.

“Shepard? Can you hear me? You okay?” The abrupt sound of Kaidan’s voice in his ear put him a little more at ease.

John smiled from his hiding spot right next to a small snack shop as he reloaded the pistol in his grasp. “I’m fine. Might need a little backup, though.”

He could hear the Major emit a breath, perhaps in relief before he spoke on the com once more. "It’s good to hear your voice. Joker told me what happened. I’m on foot, but not far."

Just then Brooks was booming on the com even as Shepard was now zigzagging between other shops and taking out a few of the troops in his path. He was thankful she was just speaking in his earpiece else she would have seriously blown his cover. “Excuse me, who is this? You’re on an unsecured channel, and you’re putting Commander Shepard in danger!”

“I’m wha?” Kaidan was as equally confused on the other end. “Who is this?” 

“Hang on,” the Commander spoke again before the two of them could argue further. “Joker mentioned Staff Analyst Brooks, yes?” he said while hiding behind the counter in a nearby shop. “That’s her. Can everybody play nice here?”

Now all Shepard had to do was reach the skycar lot without being shot. Easier said than done. He bobbed and weaved through multiple shops and even took out a few of his opponents along the way. Soon he was forced to use his Spectre codes to get through a door due to C-Sec’s lockdown. Unfortunately that set off an alarm which also gave away his location.

“Shepard’s down there! Open fire!” shouted one of the mercs from the upper balcony.

The Commander tightened his jaw and clicked his teeth before rolling behind a nearby couch. “Dammit!”

“Shepard! What are you doing? I heard that from here!” The concern in his lover’s voice was palpable.

John just sighed and pulled his gun up to shoot at a few more troopers who were heading towards him. “It’s all under control, I promise.”

“Is that… some kind of alarm?” Apparently Garrus was nearby as well as he heard the turian shooting his sniper rifle. “What’s going on, Shepard?”

“Oh you know me, Garrus. Always like to make things more interesting.”

“Of course you do,” The turian answered sarcastically. “I’ll just stay up here and deal with these fools on the balcony. Try to stay out too much of trouble.”

Kaidan piped up before Shepard could give Vakarian a snarky response. “John, Brooks sent me the nav point for the skycar lot. I’m on my way.”

“Good,” John answered instead as he darted around through a couple more shops.

"What do we know about these mercenaries?" The Major asked as it sounded like he was also running to catch up.

“They’ve got guns and don’t like me.” Probably not the best time to offer his lover a playful joke, but the Commander could have said worse.

The biotic clearly wasn’t amused. “Very helpful, thanks,” Kaidan responded into his com with the most monotone voice you could imagine.

Finally Shepard ducked through another door to reach the lot and caught two troopers with their backs to him in the next area. He was about to sprint through with gun out in front, only for them both to be pushed aside by a very familiar biotic blast.

Kaidan was standing there in full armor and his entire form covered in a glowing blue shield. Upon spying the younger man step through, he grinned wide and actually performed a rather whimsical sashay forwards. “Seems like you’re having a bad day, Shepard…”

That little sway of the Major’s shoulders and hips did give John a bit of pause before he responded with “You could say that…” and a teasing grin of his own.

The Major breathed a quick laugh before pointing a thumb behind his right shoulder. “The landing pad’s over there, but it’s behind a locked gate.”

John glanced past the older man with a quick nod and lowered the pistol to his hip. “Let’s look for a control panel.”

“Nice… outfit.” Kaidan wasn’t even hiding the fact his brown eyes had dropped to observe John’s ass in those dark jeans as he walked past. “Uh… control panel... right.”

The Major managed to get them into the car lot by persuading a volus to simply open the door instead of Shepard shooting his way in, and then just as they hit the landing pad they caught the sight of a C-Sec shuttle carrying another group of mercenaries… and a very dangerous geth spitfire gun.

Just as the Commander pulled Kaidan behind the nearby car lot sign, they both heard a booming crash from up above. The all too familiar shape of Wrex had all but belly flopped upon the nose and then stormed inside to take care of the mercs who didn’t fall out from the crash.

John was almost jealous since that was a much better landing than the one he'd made earlier.

\----------------------------


	28. Carry on, My Wayward Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At Huerta Memorial, Kolyat brings lunch for Thane & Kaidan to help brighten their stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we interrupt our regularly scheduled Citadel DLC fun for a heartwarming Thane flashback...

Thane was standing at his usual spot within Huerta’s Patient Lounge. Back rigidly straight. Hands clasped together behind him just so at the waist. It was one of the few days where the Citadel had chosen to let the weather change to rain to not only saturate the plant life but also to offer its residents something a little different in their day-to-day routines. Each set of eyelids slowly blinked as green irises followed a few droplets as they glided downward along the glass.

The assassin drew in the deepest breath he could manage, which was still unpleasant considering his current life expectancy according to the doctors. He thought about all of the opportunities he had forsaken over the years. All the chances he could have taken to finally pull himself out of the dead state he had been in. It seemed all too ironic that now… when he was actually dying, that Thane felt more alive than ever.

Most of that was due to John Shepard. At least, a lot of what was happening to the drell now was due to something or another that revolved around the human Commander. Somehow that man was capable of changing so much even when accomplishing the smallest of tasks.

The same man had just visited Huerta a few days prior to see Major Kaidan Alenko. They appeared to be slowly working out their differences, and Shepard had even left a peace offering in the form of a rather nice bottle of TM-88 Whiskey. The gesture had pleased Thane but at the same time he was uncertain.

His faint attraction to the Commander was one thing. The drell’s growing feelings towards Kaidan, however, were… much more complicated. It was selfish for him to even think in such a way with his own life nearing its conclusion. He was also well aware of the biotic’s adoration for John thanks to the… recent encounters with the man in his hospital room. It was best to just let his feelings remain where they were.

Thane’s thoughts were soon interrupted by the handsome voice of another drell standing behind him.

“I’m glad to see that you’re still well enough to move around, Father.” Kolyat had just arrived for one of his weekly visits. The older drell was always happy to receive these visits, as they made his stay in this place all the more tolerable.

“It is always good to see you, Kolyat,” the assassin murmured with a smile gradually overtaking his features. He shifted his stance and then turned with his head then tilting just a touch at the sight of his son carrying a trio of paper bags and a datapad tucked under one arm.

“I brought lunch.” The younger drell then motioned towards a set of chairs nearby for them to sit. “Do you want me to go get Kaidan? He had wished to join us since he’s finally able to walk around.”

Thane had forgotten that small detail. His face stiffened for the briefest of moments and then offered a nod while accepting the three bags from his son’s grasp. “Yes, thank you. He may still need some assistance.”

Kolyat returned about 5 minutes later with the Major grasping his arm, waddling along with little pain still present in his joints. Kaidan’s thick hair was gelled up for the first time since he’d arrived, and the most of the bruising on his face had faded to faint blotches of yellow. He'd managed to throw on a set of Alliance sweats and a t-shirt as well so he wouldn't be wandering around in just his briefs.

“I know… I know. I still look like shit.” The biotic chuckled softly as he caught the older drell staring at him. “At least I can walk around now and have permission to eat solid food again.” He released a sigh of relief then as hips eased down into a chair across from Thane.

“You’ll be strong again before you know it, Major.” The assassin softly smiled and handed over the bag with ‘KA’ labeled on the side. “Though that does remind me. Have you thought more about the training sessions I’ve proposed?”

The Major nodded in thanks before fingers carefully unrolled the paper bag. “I have actually.” He sniffed inside with a content sigh. There was just something so satisfying about the succulent scent of a steak sandwich. “I think it would be good as far as keeping both my biotics and combat skills in top form.”

Kolyat opened his own bag and tugged forth a plastic container of what looked to be a salad. “You two will be doing some combat training? I think that’s a great idea.”

The older drell couldn’t help but smile affectionately towards his son as he had also received a salad which was placed on the small table between them. “I figured it would be something different since the physical therapy classes offered here do not account for such.”

Kaidan’s mouth was too full of bread, lettuce and steak to properly respond so all he could only bob his head in complete agreement with Thane’s assessment.

Kolyat chortled briefly at the sight of the biotic’s cheeks full of sandwich even with his own mouth chewing on a bit of greenery. After swallowing, his expression then darkened as his voice grew soft. “I still remember when Father had started to teach me…”

“You were eight,” Thane acknowledged with his own lips dropping down. “Irikah was against the idea from the start. She was already worried enough about my work and didn’t want the same for you.” He shifted a bit in his seat and dropped his meal upon his lap.

{“She tugs at my arm. Worry in her eyes. ‘Please,’ she pleads. ‘Our son needs to choose his own path.’ I stare back at her in eerie silence and then slowly pull away from her smooth touch."}

The younger drell paused as Thane recalled the memory. “I almost didn’t, but Captain Bailey has helped me for the past few months.” Kolyat’s shoulders straightened as he reclined somewhat in his chair. “If Shepard and Father hadn’t shown up, I don’t know where I’d be now.”

The Major smiled gently at the mention of the Commander. He paused between bites to ask, “Helped you? How exactly?”

Kolyat freed a long breath from his chest. “I found a former duct rat named Mouse on the Presidium. He seemed surprised to see another drell as there aren’t many of us here. I was caught me off guard when he mentioned that, and asked what he meant.” He glanced across to Thane. “Mouse went on to mention Thane Krios and all the things they’d done when he was younger. I’ll admit I felt a bit… jealous at what he described…”

“I know…” Thane spoke up as he could sense the uneasiness growing within his son’s words. “Mouse was like a surrogate child to me at the time. He helped me with a few important jobs, and I helped him in return to survive.” He poked at the leafy greens of his lunch with his fork. “He reminded me of you in a way; eased some of the pain I felt for sending you away.”

Kolyat watched his father in silence for a fleeting moment before continuing. “Mouse later gave me both a key to a bank account Father had set up for me, and information about a human named Elias Kelham who was looking to hire a hitman.”

Kaidan swallowed the last bite of his sandwich before reaching for a napkin. “Did you actually do any jobs for this Kelham before Shepard and Thane found you?”

The younger drell shook his head no. “This was my first. Kelham was after a turian politician named Joram Talid who was up for reelection. I did manage to shoot his krogan bodyguard in the shoulder but both the Commander and Father stopped me before I was able to kill Talid.”

Thane managed a modest smile after swallowing a bite of his own meal. “Because your mother was right. You should find your own path, instead of following mine.”

Kolyat’s head lowered as it was now he who was poking his lunch with a fork. “I know…” mimicking his father’s response from earlier. “And I understand now you were just trying to protect me. I’m sorry for being such a burden for you, Father.”

The assassin’s eyes widened in surprise. Soon a hand was on top of his son’s as he leaned over. “You are my son and the most precious thing in my life. You will never be a burden to me.”

The Major’s eyes shifted between the two drell with a warm smile creeping upon his face. Seeing Thane with Kolyat like this was something he felt so honored to witness. It also made him realize just how much pain both of them had undoubtedly gone through over the past few years.

His thoughts then shifted to Shepard and all the pain they’d also shared. Seeing father and son let go of their grievances like this meant that there was hope for the two of them to do the same. They had a good start with John’s most recent visit, but only time would tell.

Kaidan almost didn’t want to break up the beautiful moment between the other two, but then something else popped up in his mind…

“My father always wanted me to follow in his footsteps and become an Alliance soldier like him.” Kaidan finally spoke up once both drell had settled back into their seats. “Kind of a tradition, being in a Ukrainian family, ya know?”

He rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand and sighed before continuing. “Mom wasn’t too thrilled with the idea either. I mean we didn’t know how the Alliance would treat human biotics at the time.” The Major sat back and shrugged just a tiny bit. “She’s always been a bit protective of me, though. My grandfather was Chinese, and she’s an only child just like me.”

The biotic slowly smiled and turned to glance out the window as the rain outside was finally coming to a close. “But, after a bad incident when I was 19, I talked with both of them to explain why I wanted to join the military. Not for Dad or family traditions… but because I wanted to serve and do something important with my life.”

Both drell looked between the Major and each other within the calm silence, and then mirrored each other’s smiles in a way that only a father and son could do. Thane in particular was suddenly reminded why his heart was so drawn to this man, and why Shepard’s must be as well.

“I should… probably get back to my room, eh? The nurses will wonder where I’ve gone…” Kaidan finally murmured while attempting to lift his sore body back up to his feet.

Kolyat blinked and quickly rose to assist the injured man. “I’ll help take you back, Major.” With a grasp of the biotic’s arm, both men carefully walked back and through the doors into Intensive Care.

Thane’s gaze followed the two wandering away as he let loose a soft breath. His green eyes soon turned away and down to the datapad his son had brought. After lifting it up, scaled fingers leafed through a few screens before he finally paused upon a site with handmade silver jewelry. He tapped through a few choices before a specific piece caught his attention. Enlarging the first picture, the assassin was intrigued at the sight of a silver cricket with a peculiar set of faceted eyes. Eyes the same honey brown shade as Kaidan’s own.

He thought of the cricket captured by the scorpion that he’d witnessed in New Mexico; how the insect had been curled around the scorpion’s tail, struggling to get free. Lips curled upwards as he tapped to purchase the delicate pendant and have it sent to Kolyat’s apartment.

The drell then scrolled to another page and made two more purchases before resting the datapad at his side and simply letting both sets of eyelids fall closed. He finally had a sense of peace he hadn’t felt since he first saw the most beautiful pair of sunset colored eyes.


	29. Man in the Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Commander learns he has a clone, but one Shepard is more than enough for this galaxy to handle already.

After a rather interesting experience crashing a casino party, Shepard, Kaidan and Brooks came across a very dead Elijah Khan and a very upset faceless voice on the large screen behind them. At least EDI was able to salvage Khan’s data drives and give them a good lead.

The whole crew had headed to the Citadel archives next, despite C-Sec still having things on lockdown. With the sheer size of the place, the Commander had decided to take the entire crew including Wrex and Brooks.

While both John and Kaidan had enjoyed seeing each other in their formal wear, they were now in the master bedroom switching to armor before everyone planned on hitting the archives.

The Commander couldn’t help but smile as he watched his lover slip that muscular physique carefully into his the dark under armor. He slowly rose from the bed and walked over with hands soon resting on the Major’s hips. “You know… it was nice to see you in action back there at the car lot.” His head tilted forwards as his lips soon murmured in the older man’s ear, “Actually it was… pretty hot…”

“Mmmm. Why thank you…” Kaidan responded with a low, husky purr deep within his throat. His own arms snaked their way around John’s waist to pull him closer.

They both leaned in for the most gentle of kisses before Shepard whispered, “What would I do without you?” and smiled against the soft lips of the older man.

The Major provided a tender smile of his own before he leaned in to now place a sultry whisper within John’s ear. “You’ll never find out.”

The lovers just held each other for what felt like ages before they heard a brisk knock at the door. “Hey! You two makin' out in there? Vámonos, muchachos.” James was good a being abhorrently blunt when he wanted to.

Shepard grunted against the biotic’s shoulder and kissed his neck before shouting, “None of your business, James! We’ll be out in a minute.”

Kaidan sighed as well before reluctantly stepping away. “We’ll… continue this later, eh?”

John grinned as he snapped his shoulder pads into place. “I promise…”

\----------------------------

So, apparently Shepard had a clone.

Even worse… Brooks, or whatever her name really was, had apparently been the one who sprung said clone out of stasis 6 months ago.

John was absolutely, positively not pleased with either realization.

“Fighting your own clone? Yeah. Won't find that in the Spectre handbook,” Kaidan had said while they were shooting through waves of mercs. Clearly the older man could still dish out lively humor at the most inopportune moments.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” the Commander just answered through gritted teeth as he shot down a nearby a sniper with his rifle. He just wasn’t in the mood, even with his lover’s attempts to enlighten it.

The clone and Brooks had attempted to lock everyone in iridium vaults, but Glyph was able to free everyone comparatively quickly.

Shepard took Kaidan and Tali with him to retake the ship which became a hell of a lot more complicated than originally thought.

A few more waves of gun fire and even more dead mercs later, John could hear the unmistakable sound of the engines being prepped for launch.

Fuck.

After some grumbling about pre-flight checks and Spectre code authorizations, the three of them ran swiftly through the hallway towards the outer airlock door… only to find Samantha Traynor standing there alone and just about to burst into tears.

Sam nearly jumped out of her skin in surprise as the man who’d just ejected her from the ship was suddenly running in from the docks? “Wait, what?” Her expression hastily shifted from confusion to rage as she stormed right up to Shepard and all but shouted, “You were just on the Normandy! You… you fired me! Dishonorable discharge for conduct unbecoming.” She was one step away from slapping the man as she continued, “You kicked me off the ship with barely enough time to grab my toothbrush!”

Of all things Traynor would grab. The sudden sight of that 6000 credit cleaning instrument poised in her hand caused Shepard to barely suppress a laugh. After clearing his throat he finally said, “That’s a Cision Pro Mark 4. It uses mass effect fields to break up plaque and massage the gums.”

“Yes, I told you that.” Samantha frowned a bit at the man’s rather horrible timing of laughter in spite of her current predicament.

At seeing her discomfort, John then leaned in and placed his hand gently upon the Specialist’s shoulder. His voice softened soon after as did his features. “Hey… I remember, because I’m the real Shepard. Come on, Sam.”

Traynor just couldn’t stay mad to that face. She sighed and softly pat John’s hand with her own before turning back towards the door. “Alright. I believe you. But someone still threw me off the ship. If it wasn’t you…”

“A Cerberus clone is trying to take over Shepard's life.” Kaidan just shrugged helplessly as Tali worked on unlocking the inner door with her omni tool.

“And honestly, when you serve on the Normandy long enough, you get used to things like this.” The quarian added before the door finally popped open and the pair walked on through.

Sam and John followed close behind just as the inner door shut tight. “Dammit, it’s sealed.” He grumbled and turned back towards the others.

“We have no time. They’re about to take off…” Tali asserted as she walked closer to examine the lock.

The Commander quickly paced back and forth with his hands firmly on his hips. “Is there anyone else still aboard who can help us, Sam?”

“Unfortunately no. I was only still here because I helped with the Normandy retrofits back on Earth. Everyone else is on shore leave,” Traynor answered with a frown as her hands slowly fidgeted.

Shepard took a deep, long breath and then nodded before offering Samantha a reassuring glance. “Okay, you know this ship inside and out. Can you help us get inside?”

“There’s an emergency exit hatch for evacuations.” She knelt down and felt around at various grooves along the floor. “It should be right… here.” And soon her fingers popped open a small dual sided door, barely big enough for even Wrex to slide through.

John smiled as he then dropped down to the ground next to her. “Thanks, Sam.” He activated his omni tool to scan and then grunted in even more frustration. “Manually locked, and can only be opened from the other side. Why can’t anything be easy for me today?” He closed his eyes tight for a brief moment before turning over his shoulder to see his lover standing there. “Any ideas, Kaid?”

“Well I could try to trigger it with a biotic field but I don't think I have the fine control we need…” the Major began to say before they all heard the tiny buzz of the Cision Pro Mark 4 in Traynor’s right hand.

The two small doors popped open with a hiss which caused John to let loose a very long, relieved breath. After a nod and smile in thanks to Samantha he waved for Tali & Kaidan to follow and then jumped through.

“If you'd told me this morning that a toothbrush was gonna save the Normandy, I'd have been very skeptical…” he murmured as they all then crawled forth underneath the floor.

\----------------------------


	30. And It Hurts Like Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kolyat requests to have a Memorial for Thane during Shepard's shore leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this ended up being broken into two parts because I didn't want to just summarize the Memorial portion. Each speech was so beautiful in the game that I felt they needed to be here in their entirety. I also added new speeches for Bailey & Kaidan to fit the scene.
> 
> The title is from a song sung by Fleurie which I initially found thanks to an [Mshenko tribute video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP_3U3QWLB8).

Now that all of the clone shenanigans were taken care of and the Normandy was back on schedule for maintenance, Shepard and the rest of the crew could finally enjoy the rest of the shore leave they all so desperately needed.

Many of the crew, past and present, sent requests to spend a little free time with him while they were docked, and at this rate it was going to be a very long week. While John certainly didn’t want to turn anyone down, he also wanted at least one day just for Kaidan and himself… without interruptions.

There was one request in particular the Commander knew he wanted to handle as soon as possible. Kolyat had sent a message requesting a small memorial service for his father. He couldn’t help but smile somberly at the idea, but agreed to it nonetheless. With a few taps of his fingers, John forwarded the drell’s message to those he knew might be interested in attending and scheduled it for later that evening.

Kolyat showed up first with a small bouquet of white flowers he placed atop the piano in a small brown vase. EDI and Joker arrived soon after with the former handing over a photo of Thane which she had procured when he was still aboard the Normandy.

Commander Bailey escorted the salarian Councilor inside, though stated he was also there to pay respects. Tali, Garrus and Samara entered together, stating they had all met up on the way there. The final attendee to arrive was Kaidan, who eventually stood at the back of the assembled group beside Bailey.

Shepard was dressed in a semi-formal tunic and dark slacks as he wandered to the front by the piano. He turned to face the group at a languid pace and then rested his hands behind his back. After a soft smile and nod to each person present, he gazed at the photo and took a deep breath before he began to speak with tender words.

“We are gathered here to honor the life of Thane Krios. Thane touched each of our lives in different ways. The Councilor knew him as a hero. The Normandy’s crew knew him as a brother-in-arms… and others still as a father devoted to his son.”

John swallowed deeply even as his eyes drifted slightly downward, “Though his life took him to very dark places, Thane cared for the better angels of our nature. He was terminally ill, and yet he still managed to make his way through war-torn streets to reach us because he knew Councilor Valern needed help. You all know the results of that day as an assassin… a professional killer… gave his life for his galaxy. And now… he finally can be given the chance to rest.”

Kaidan’s feet shifted uncontrollably as he listened to the Commander’s speech. His eyes trailed down to the floor as his mind was replete with worry. Here it was… his current lover speaking about his former one. It was uncomfortable, to put it mildly. Regardless, he still wanted to be here and offer his own show of respect just like everyone else present.

They all observed a shared moment of silence before the Commander bowed his head towards the room proper. “Would anyone else like to speak?”

Tali, who was standing up front with Garrus, decided to speak first. “What I remember about Thane was his confidence. He told me once about how he remembered everything, even every mistake he made. If I did that, I’d be a nervous wreck. Thane kept it under control.”

“It’s strange,” Garrus observed, adding his own words after Tali completed her own. “The last word I’d label Thane with is ‘assassin’. We covered each other in firefights. That makes him a partner.”

Samara was the next to speak. After a polite nod to both the quarian and turian, she stood up straight with the same hushed tone to her words that all who knew her were accustomed to. “Thane’s last stand was important but let us remember why he left the Normandy… to keep his son away from a life of crime. Deeds such as these do not go unnoticed by the universe. They echo in all who hear them. That… is why I am here.”

Kolyat couldn’t help but feel touched by the Justicar’s words. While he did not know her well, he had heard stories about her from his father. She and Thane were like kindred spirits as they shared very similar lifestyle paths and even a mutual desire to reconnect with their children. He did offer the asari a soft smile and nod, to which she returned in kind as she fell silent.

“Thane took himself seriously; a trait with which I did not always agree.” It was EDI who chose to offer her own recollections of the assassin next. “I tried to make him laugh on several occasions. But what I interpreted as a lack of humor was masking a great effort. Thane was turning his life around in a way few organics do.”

Joker nodded towards EDI with a small smile of his own. “The day Thane came onto the Normandy, all Kelly and I knew about him was that he could probably kill us all with a ballpoint pen. But after you for to know him, there wasn’t any reason to be afraid. He let you know where you stood.” Even in a somber setting such as this, Moreau had to be the one to throw in just one witty remark.

“The day I met Thane, I could tell how much concern he had for his son.” Armando-Owen Bailey cleared his throat as his Ontario accent spoke with a melancholy hue to it. “If he and Shepard hadn’t intervened….” He slowly shook his head, “Well, let’s just say that not many parents are given a second chance to make things right for their children. Kolyat’s a good man, which is due in no small part to his father’s devotion.”

And finally the voice of the other Canadian was heard as Kaidan spoke softly. “I didn’t have as much time to know Thane. In the few weeks that I did, though, I saw him as a teacher, a kind father, and a dear friend.” He took the deepest of breaths to keep his tears hidden from the others. “I think he would be proud of all the wonderful things he’s left behind, and for these memories we can share about him.” A nod was then given to Kolyat for his chance to speak as well.

The young drell returned the Major’s nod and then stepped forward. Shepard moved off to the side so that Kolyat could rightfully have the floor.

“When I was little, I thought my father had it all figured out. He said men must be loyal to their friends and dangerous to their enemies. But when he prevented me from… hurting someone, he had changed. He said enemies and ego are not as important as loved ones.” The drell grunted faintly as shoulders lifted in a loose shrug. “At the time I didn’t want to hear it. I was… lost. I called him a hypocrite in a thousand different ways, said that he was going soft. Now… I think maybe he did have it all figured out.” Hands fell behind his back, mimicking the stance his father would often do. “That’s all I can say. If anyone would like to continue, we’ll be here.”

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

After the memorial had formally concluded, Kolyat took a moment to speak quietly with Shepard which gave Kaidan the opportunity to sneak upstairs and hide in the second bedroom to be alone. He sat down roughly on the edge of the bed once the door was closed and collapsed against the mattress with an arm falling over his eyes. Soon all of the raw emotion he’d fought so hard to hold back during the service was finally bursting forth. Soon his chest rose and fell which each painful sob as cheeks were soon glistening with streams of tears.

His free hand slipped inside his shirt and pulled forth the pendant still attached to his dog tags. The faceted eyes of the tiny creature sparkled even brighter through wet eyes as he struggled to take a breath. The pads of his fingers twirled the silver insect back and forth before tugging it up to his lips for a gentle kiss.

The biotic almost didn’t hear the door open as fingers quickly dropped the pendant down and wiped at his face. As he sat up, the sight of Kolyat in the doorway made him relax just a little.

“I’m sorry if I disturbed you, Major,’ the drell began as he looked unsure. “I… can come back later if it would be better.”

“No!” Kaidan winced at the outburst and sniffled a couple of times with a wave of his hand to beckon his guest closer. “I mean… I could use some company right now, truthfully.”

Kolyat softly nodded and padded closer before sitting down on the bed next to the man. “I just wanted to thank you for coming tonight.” He reached into his jacket and then pulled out a small black box which he placed within the Major’s own palm. “Also, my father had asked me to give this to you.” He smiled just a touch. “I was given specific instructions… to deliver it when you’d found a beacon to light your way.”

The biotic’s brows lifted curiously even as fingers gingerly unfolded the top and brown eyes peaked inside. Those same eyes soon quickly widened as he emitted a surprise gasp with his free hand rising to his lips.

“I know it’s not easy to let go,” Kolyat looked inside the box as well with a gentle smile. “With drell, it is even more difficult to do so with the way we keep memories.” He let an arm slide around the Major’s shoulders to pull him closer and offer a quick hug. “But I wanted you to know that… one of my memories will always be how happy he was when he spoke of you.”

Kaidan leaned into the hug for a fleeting moment before sitting back up and snapping the small box closed once more. “Thank you, Kolyat. That… means a lot.”

The young drell nodded as he let go, rising to his feet soon after. “I need to go speak with the Councilor but… I believe I saw Shepard in the other bedroom. You may want to go check on him.”

The Major nodded in thanks and cautiously got back up to his feet as well. He wiped the remaining tears from his face and slipped the box into a side table drawer for now. As his steps carried him across to the master bedroom, he could hear a video recording that John was no doubt watching on the bedroom’s large wall screen.

As he neared the doorway, the biotic paused as he could hear the all too familiar sounds of Thane’s soft yet raspy voice on the video as it filled the room. Soon he was poised at the side door, watching the video as well while also attempting to be as stealthy as he possibly could.

“I have good news and bad. The good news is that Kolyat and I took a few days to visit Earth.”

John was standing in the middle of the room with his blue eyes fixed on the message. Occasionally his hand rose up to brush the back of his neck but otherwise his expression was neutral as he watched.

{“Light the shade of her eyes. Shrill sound of chirping stops. I scan the ground, see two tiny bodies locked by claws…”}

“Excuse me. As I was saying we saw a beautiful sunset in New Mexico and a scorpion eating a cricket. I wish you could have joined us. The bad news is, I had… I fainted and struck my head. Kolyat has convinced me to stay at Huerta Memorial on the Citadel. I will be there from now on.”

Kaidan chewed at his lower lip as fingers absently rose up to roll over the pendant once more. He had a feeling that Kolyat was the one to convince Thane to stay at Huerta, but the drell had never mentioned any discomfort about staying there.

“I don’t want to die in a hospital, but it’s where the doctors are. And Kolyat… I love him. That means I must trust him. Goodbye, Shepard. Let me say that now in case I cannot later.” The message then quietly shut off and Shepard was left standing there staring a blank screen for a few seconds. He sighed just a touch as his expression shifted from neutral to somber.

John started to turn towards the side door, suddenly pausing at the sight of his lover standing there apparently eavesdropping. “Kaid?” His eyes quickly darted from the older man’s face to the pendant between his fingers and back.

The Commander’s thoughts shifted into overdrive as puzzle pieces collided in his mind.

“ _Kaidan is with them…”_ Thane had said during the Coup with an odd display of worry in his eyes.

“ _I just need to get out of here first, though. Take care of some things…_ ” Kaidan’s own voice sounded confused as he’d looked all around the room.

Like someone else was in the room with them.

A scorpion eating a cricket.

Suddenly Shepard’s jaw fell completely slack with eyes growing wide. “Oh my God…”


	31. Never Let Me Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Shepard knows about Thane & Kaidan's brief relationship... he soon is treated to more details than he was expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this chapter starts out angsty but ends on a happy note.
> 
> Also wow already 400 views from you guys! I'm humbled. Thank you all for your support.

Kaidan took a heavy step backwards, followed by another as he watched John slowly come to realization of what had happened between him and Thane. At the sound of his lover’s stunned words soon after, his fingers dropped away from the silver pendant while his boots shuffled him further backwards into the sitting area.

Shepard silently cursed to himself before he immediately moved to follow. “Kaid?’ At first his voice was pleading to the Major, but as the older man continued to back up his voice shifted to become much more authoritative. “Kaidan. Stop.”

The problem was that the biotic just couldn’t will himself to stop. Eventually his back and shoulders hit the nearby wall which caused him to grunt in surprise. Pushing off the wall soon after, he started to turn and head for the stairs until he felt John’s strong fingers grasping his forearm tightly. Teeth clenched beneath his lips with an attempt to pull away and a hand flared with a Reave ready to go off.

Unfortunately the Commander still had the superior advantage of those damned Cerberus implants to keep the older man’s arm locked tight. Within an instant, that same hand along with its twin promptly grabbed Kaidan’s shoulders and pressed him back against the wall.

While that was incredibly enticing before in front of John’s cabin, this time it only seemed to fuel the Major’s anger. “Let. Go. Of me,” he growled with eyes squinting to mere slits.

“No,” came Shepard’s stern response. While he did keep a short distance between them, his grasp remained tight. “We need to talk about this.”

The biotic’s hand glowed once more before shooting off a Reave directly at the Commander’s abdomen. John immediately lost his grip and flew backwards a few feet with his whole body covered in blue light for a couple of seconds. The side of the couch was the only thing that kept him from crashing into the opposite wall. A loud grumble emitted from the man’s chest as he struggled to regain his footing.

Kaidan in the meanwhile seized the opportunity to hurriedly run past and down the steps.

“Fuck.” Shepard coughed once and winced before dashing after the other man. Just as his lover was running for the front door, he swung his legs over the balcony railing to catch him. The attempt was greeted with the Major’s leg spinning around and clocking him right in the middle of his chest.

It was clearly obvious to Kaidan at this point that the only way that John was going stop was to knock the younger man unconscious. He bounced on the balls of his feet and pulled both hands up in a defensive posture.

The Commander frowned deeply as it was not his intention for this to escalate into a full on physical confrontation. With his own hands rising up he stared directly at the other man he grunted, “Fine,” and shuffled forwards.

The Major easily dodged the first punch and responded with one of his own rushing forwards into Shepard’s jaw. While it did reach its intended target, his arm was snatched and twisted backwards before the other man’s shoulder lunged directly at his chest.

With the upper hand, John wrapped an arm around Kaidan’s back and then turned to spin him face first into the hard floor. While in mid motion, however, the biotic’s leg managed to kick one of his own… completely pulling him off his root and sending him down to the floor as well.

Both men painfully grunted as one hit the floor on his side and the other on his stomach. Just as the biotic was about to roll and scramble back up, Shepard immediately landed on top of him and pinned down both his hands and legs.

John’s lip was bleeding at this point but that didn’t deter him from staring down into those angry brown eyes and shouting, “Dammit Kaidan! I LOVE YOU!” His voice then dropped to almost a whisper as he pleaded, “Please… stop.”

That completely caught the Major off guard. While he had begun to struggle once more to get free, his body completely froze. His chest shivered as he was suddenly lost in those beautiful blue eyes. All of his rage soon vanished without a trace with his neck soon rising from the floor and lips reaching to crush desperately against Shepard’s.

John’s mouth happily accepted as they inaugurated a flawless dance with both sets of lips gliding against each other between warm breaths and the delicate twirls of moist tongues. Only when both men lips were almost numb did the younger man pull back with a soft smile.

“I… I’m sorry…” Kaidan finally said with his hand pulling free and reaching up to brush a thumb over the smeared blood on the Commander’s lip.

“Yeah well you clocked me pretty good a few times,” John murmured against the offered thumb. “You planning to kiss my wounds and make them better?”

The Major huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes while dropping his hand away. “Maybe later. For now, though…” He jerked his abdomen upwards and then it was his turn to flip the Commander on his back instead.

John landed with yet another grunt and then a short laugh. “Okay. I deserved that.”

“You want a beer?” Kaidan grinned wide with his own whiskey brown eyes glittering in the near dark room.

“A beer sounds great.” If anything alcohol would numb some of the physical pain that was finally creeping into his muscles.

The biotic scooted up to his feet and brushed back his slightly tousled hair with blunt fingers. “Two beers comin’ right up.” 

Shepard gingerly rolled onto his side and dragged himself over to the nearby couch. He’d barely managed to glide himself into the closest seat when the Major returned with two opened bottles. “Thanks,” he managed to say as shoulders flopped back against the soft cushions. After a long sip of bitter alcohol, John slowly turned his gaze to his lover and murmured, “We still need to talk, though.”

“Yeah…” Kaidan’s shoulders slumped forwards with his head looking down at the floor. “Thane and I? It just sort of… happened.”

John sat up with a wince but then moved his hand to rest upon his lover’s back. “Hey… I’m not upset, Kaid. If anything I’m surprised since I didn’t think Thane was attracted to men.”

The Major leaned back against the touch as he turned to glance sideways at Shepard. “I didn’t know either. Anyways, how he and I met is a weird story in itself, but…” He gave the other man a stern look of his own. “You have to promise me you won’t laugh.”

The Commander’s brow lifted in confusion but then he sighed and held up two fingers. “Scout’s honor. Tell me.”

“Okay so um…” A hand lifted to absently rub against the back of Kaidan’s neck. “He sneaked into my hospital room one night and caught me jerking off while fantasizing about you in my sleep.”

If Shepard’s jaw could hit the floor, it would have done so at that very moment. Soon after he cleared his throat loudly to resist every urge in his chest to laugh. “I uh… wow.”

The biotic snatched his beer bottle and tipped it up for a swift drink before continuing his tale. “We began doing combat training sessions between regular PT classes soon after that.”

“Yeah I could tell you picked up some of his moves…” the younger man grumbled playfully while rubbing along his chest with his free hand.

Kaidan elbowed his lover lightly in response and grinned for a moment before it slowly dropped. “The sessions occasionally got a bit…” He rolled his eyes upwards in thought, “How should I put this? He could be a bit… dominant from time to time.”

John’s head jerked back in bewilderment. “Dominant as in… he uh… tied you up or…?”

The Major quickly shook his head. “No, never. More like just telling me to do things.” Kaidan’s cheeks then reddened just a touch as he couldn’t help but smirk. “Though he did occasionally spank, tease and even had me use a blindfold once.”

Shepard’s hand slowly rubbed along the other man’s back, trying his best to be reassuring. “And you… liked that?”

“Honestly?” Kaidan watched his lover as the smirk gradually faded away. “Yes. Yes I did.”

The Commander curled his lips in thought before his chest rose and fell with a deep breath. His head rolled back so he could stare up at the ceiling as he then asked in hushed tones, “Did you sleep with him?”

“Once. Yes.” The biotic confirmed as he took a long breath as well. “It was before you and I got closer though. And…” Shoulder lifted into a soft shrug. “I initiated it, so… please don’t be mad at him for it?”

“I’m not…” Another forced breath emitted from John’s chest as his eyes closed. “Do you love him, even now?”

Kaidan frowned at that and sat up straight. “How can…?” Fingers curled into fists for a brief moment and then dropped onto his knees. “I don’t know. Maybe. But John?”

“Mmmm?” Shepard cracked open both eyes with his neck turning to watch the older man.

“My feelings for Thane don’t change how I feel about you.” A hand was soon on the Commander’s cheek with a blunt thumb stroking the soft bristles of his goatee. “I meant it when I said I’ve always loved you, and I always will.”

John let out a shaky sigh and closed his eyes. Calloused fingers snaked their way on top of the older man’s and squeezed gently. “You’re the single most important thing in my life, Kaidan. I feel… I feel like I’m being stretched out like a rubber band. I’m so exhausted and we haven’t even won this damned war yet.” Their fingers slowly linked together as he squeezed even tighter. “I can’t do this without you.”

“I’m here.” Soft lips pressed against Shepard’s forehead. “I’ll always be here,” Kaidan whispered gently. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey…” The Commander’s eyes slowly opened. “I said I’m not upset. Thane was a remarkable man and…” He pulled the Major’s palm up to his lips for a gentle kiss. “Honestly what you and he shared was probably a good thing.”

“Mmmm? How do you figure that?” Kaidan’s temple rested comfortably against his lover’s short hair and closed his eyes.

John chuckled softly. “Well besides the fact I’m now covered completely in bruises from all the training he gave you, I now also have a few new ideas of how to get you in the mood.”

The biotic’s eyes immediately flipped open with a snort, “You have this unbelievable talent for ruining perfect moments. You know that?”

“You love me and you know it.” Shepard just grinned wider. “How about this? Let’s get some sleep, and then tomorrow you can make me dinner in apology for turning me into your personal punching bag.”

Kaidan huffed a mock sigh. “Oh fine. But if I’m doing that, you’ll have to sit there and watch me cook.”

“It’s a date…” The Commander smiled and just tugged his lover closer as they sat together, bruises and all… in a comfortable silence.


	32. Beef, Bacon and Beer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan enjoy an evening alone at the apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I checked and there actually is a Beef, Bacon & Beer Chili recipe out there with garlic as one if its ingredients. So... that is what Kaidan ends up cooking for their meal in this.
> 
> [Here it is](https://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/beef-bacon-beer-chili) if you'd like to try it out!

The next day was a pretty busy one for Shepard. Between helping Zaeed with his new addiction to an arcade claw game, dealing with Grunt’s hijinks with a little ‘Operation Fire Cobra Claw’ improvisation, and an appointment to meet Samantha for lunch turning into her winning a game of Kepesh-Yakshi against an asari who apparently had a huge grudge against the Specialist.

By the end of all that he was ready to just unwind at the apartment for the rest of the evening with Kaidan; hopefully without the threat of being hit in the face with a biotic blast this time around.

John was in the kitchen placing a few quick groceries in the fridge when he heard the other man walk around the corner.

“Hey… There you are…” That soft, husky whisper could melt his heart every time.

The Commander turned around with a smile and perched his hip against the kitchen counter. “Now I know you’re flirting with me.”

“Well that’s because I’ve had bit more practice.” Kaidan sauntered around the counter and leaned in offering John a gentle kiss. “Anyways, I’m starving and we have the rest of the night to ourselves.”

The younger man returned the kiss before pushing off the counter and then strolling over to grab a nearby stool. “I still can’t believe you’re making me watch you cook, though.”

The Major chuckled and shook his head with a wave of his hand. “You’re not watching me cook, you’re helping me drink beer. Now, sit your sexy ass down. This was your idea anyways.”

John settled down on the stool and then propped his elbows up on the counter with a smirk. “True enough. What are we having anyways? Some Canadian delicacy of some sort?”

Kaidan spun around to snag a few items from the fridge “Uh sure. Exactly.” He set a couple of steaks on the counter first. Those were followed soon after by a pair of beer bottles and finally a package of fresh bacon which he dropped on another plate before bending down to get a frying pan from underneath the stove. “We have beef… we have bacon… we have beer.” He rose and placed the pan on the stove before turning the burner on and handing Shepard one of the beer bottles. “The foods of my people. Wish me luck…”

“It’ll be different, that’s for sure.” The Commander accepted the beer and took a quick gulp with playful grin.

The Major rolled his eyes in response as he began cutting up the steaks rolling the pieces in a mixture of flour, garlic powder, salt & pepper. “Just let me impress you and hush up.”

John chuckled with a wink as he set his beer bottle down on the counter. “Where’d you learn to cook anyways?”

“Classes at Jump Zero, believe it or not.” The older man answered as he bent down again to retrieve what looked to be a large stew pot. “Young biotics who can’t cook for themselves risk starving.” He turned on a second burner and then slid four strips of bacon onto a cutting board. “How about you?”

Shepard shrugged as he slowly rose from his chair with his bottle and walked around the counter to stand next to the chef. “Roommate on Arcturus taught me, actually. He said eating cafeteria crap 24-7 was bad tor morale.”

Kaidan smirked with a soft chuckle as pieces of bacon dropped into the hot frying pan. “I swear, is there anything you’re bad at?”

“Just dancing from what everyone keeps telling me.” Shepard set his beer down nearby and glanced around the counter. “Need help with anything?”

The Major tugged out a second cutting board. “Sure. Can cut up this onion, if you don’t mind,” and placed a white onion of decent size in front of the other man. “As for your dancing… well I’m sure we can work on that.”

The Commander lightly bumped his lover’s hip. “I’m going to hold you to that. Anyways it looks like you’re burning the garlic over there…” nodding towards the pan with the sizzling bacon still cooking.

“Huh?” The biotic quickly turned and snatched a spatula to move the pork pieces and garlic around on the frying pan. “Sorry. Guess I’m a bit distracted.”

John’s eyebrows wiggled suggestively with a mischievous smirk reaching his lips. “By…?”

“Oh I wonder…” Kaidan murmured as he looked deep into Shepard’s eyes for a long moment.

The two men just smiled at each other and then continued to prepare their meal. The stew pot soon was filled with more spices along with the beef, bacon, tomatoes and tomato sauce. Finally a 12oz bottle of beer was poured in before the Major stirred the whole mixture with a large spoon a few times over low heat.

“So? Think you’ll be able to handle this?” He then held out the spoon for John to take a quick taste.

Shepard leaned in with an arm draping over the other man's shoulders and let his lips part to suggestively slurp along the spoon. “Mmmm.” His eyes rolled upwards in thought before he answered with, “We have hot sauce right?”

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Kaidan offered the younger man a sly grin in response. “Cute. Anyways this has to simmer for about 30 to 45 minutes before we can eat.” He placed a lid on top of the pot and then curled a finger beckoning John to follow him.

“What?” Shepard looked a tad baffled but conceded to follow along anyways.

The biotic tapped the music pad a few times on the wall until the living room was filled with the sounds of music that was absolutely perfect for slow dancing. He then wandered over and extended his hand. “Come on. Dancing lessons start now.”

Oh boy. John looked a tad uneasy with the suggestion but grabbed his lover’s hand anyway. “I don’t think you’ll be able to correct my two left feet in one lesson.”

Kaidan tugged the other man in close and lifted his chin to place a tiny kiss on the end of the Commander’s nose “Well then I guess it’ll just take more than one, won’t it?” Now that they were close, he grabbed a hold of John’s hands and slid them along his own hips. “All you have to do is move your hips a little. I think you can manage that.”

“Fair enough…” Shepard answered by drawing his body even closer until both men’s hips were touching. He felt the older man’s hands reach up and slide underneath his jacket as they slowly began to sway back and forth.

The Major’s smooth lips and warm breath grazed along his lover’s neck while fingers hesitantly drew the leather jacket off broad shoulders and down John’s arms. Soon it hit the floor behind the Commander’s feet and hands rose once again to find their place cupping the other man’s nether cheeks through the tight fabric of his jeans.

“I think this is becoming a bit more than just dancing…” John whispered as he began to feel the unmistakable sensation of his jeans tightening even further. He paused in their movements with fingers grasping Kaidan’s hand and leading him towards the stairs.

“What about our dinner?” Kaidan asked as he glanced back towards the stove. He certainly didn’t resist, but also didn’t want their meal to end up burnt, exploding everywhere or worse.

Shepard softly smiled as they stepped up and into the bedroom. “We have time,” he murmured and kept on walking until they finally stopped in front of the hot tub. “In the meanwhile, I think we need to test this thing, mmm?”

The biotic slowly shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You are totally shameless.” But he was already tugging his lover’s t-shirt up and over his head as if to say he was totally agreeable to the idea.

“Says the man grabbing my ass while slow dancing.” John responded with arms rising as the shirt went over his head and then on the floor nearby.

The rest of their clothes soon followed before they both cautiously set forth into the bubbling hot water. Kaidan sat down first with John soon following suit.

The younger man grinned as he reached up with wet hands to scrunch through the older man’s hair… drawing out the messy curls. Before the latter could even protest, the same two hands drew down to cup the Major’s cheeks and draw him in for a sensual kiss.

Kaidan sighed softly into the kiss as his hands dove under the water and tugged Shepard up and onto his lap. Their erections met amidst the warm bubbles as John’s arms soon slid around his lover’s shoulders. Their hips rocked back and forth between the caresses of their lips and soon the Commander could feel a finger rolling around the tight muscle of his entrance before pushing gently within.

John gasped and lifted his hips almost instinctively as their kisses blossomed in intensity. His hand lowered under the water to grasp both of their cocks between his fingers. A second finger joined the first inside of him with a slow rhythm building between them.

“I need you…” the biotic whispered with his brown eyes soon finding blue.

“Then take me…” was the other man’s response as he raised his hips just enough to move his lover’s cock and then gradually drew them down.

The Major inhaled a sharp breath and had to fight every instinct in his brain to keep from jerking his own hips upwards too fast. Once their hips did finally settle, he watched with hooded eyes as the Commander braced his hands on the edge of the tub and rocked his hips forwards to begin a slow, yet determined tempo between them.

Kaidan’s fingernails dragged all along the younger man’s back and sucked a nipple between his teeth as he responded in kind with his own hips. John’s head rolled back with a hiss and then let loose a small moan as his body trembled. They gradually accelerated their shared movements and soon both men found release together with soft groans and arms wrapped around each other tightly.

“I love you…” the biotic gently whispered against John’s chest as a finger lazily dragged up and down the length of his spine.

Shepard kissed the top of the older man’s head and then murmuring into the thick curls, “I love you too…”

As the biotic’s erection began to relax, he tugged his lover carefully up and off of his hips. “We still have chili on the stove and I’d rather not eat it in here.”

“Well… I’d rather not be all pruney while we’re eating it anyways.” John all but snickered as he pushed himself up and out of the bubbling water. He snatched a couple of white bath robes from the closet and tossed one to Kaidan.

As Kaidan pulled on his robe he asked, “Can you check on the stove? I’ll be down in a minute…”

The Commander responded with a quick nod and padded back down the steps to check on their dinner. Luckily the timer still had a couple of minutes left, but he did lift the lid to take in the savory scent with a smile. He took the large spoon and stirred the chili a couple of times before dropping the lid back down.

When John spun around, he found Kaidan standing behind him… holding out a small box in the palm of his hand. Blue eyes darted between the box and the older man’s face a few times before the Major finally said, “Open it,” with a tender smile.

Shepard looked skeptical but grabbed the box anyways. Fingers drew the lid open before his eyebrows rose and his face contorted into dumbstruck awe.

Perched on a pillow of black suede was a pair of silver rings. Both had delicate swirls along the front with one housing a circular blue stone and the other a matching stone of brown. The Commander carefully tugged out the brown one and tilted it just enough to see an etched inscription on the inside of the band.

YOU ARE MY BEACON

John’s hand began to shake as he quickly placed the band back and set the box down on the counter. “Thane… got these… for us?”

Kaidan smiled warmly and nodded before he took his lover’s hands within his own. “John Shepard. You are my commander, my life, and my soulmate. I know we’ve had our differences before but…” His hands squeezed a little more. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you… whether that’s a day, a month, or 100 years from now. Will you marry me?”

Tears welled up in Shepard’s eyes. His heart pounded hard within his chest as he opened his mouth to answer, only to be rudely interrupted by cooking timer for the chili. He grunted with annoyance as the Major released one hand and tapped the burner off with a gentle smirk.

The Commander returned the smirk in kind and then just pulled his lover in for a tight hug, whispering in his ear soon after, “Yes, Kaidan Alenko. A thousand times, yes.”

The biotic’s eyes closed tight and gripped Shepard tightly in return before murmuring, “Ready for dinner, then?”

John chuckled against his lover’s shoulder as he sniffled. “Oh I’ve already enjoyed one Canadian delicacy tonight, but I think I can go for seconds…”

Kaidan just sighed heavily at the joke and slowly pulled away, “Alright, Romeo… grab a couple of bowls and spoons, eh? I’ll get us some more beer.”


	33. When All Seems Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the crew head to Thessia per the request of the asari Councilor, the events draw up painful memories from Shepard's past...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so... I personally hate the Thessia mission. 
> 
> I prefer the aftermath as it shows both Liara and Shepard finally starting to crack emotionally from the strain. Shepard in this story also has the Sole Survivor background, so the events of Thessia would take an even worse toll on his psyche. 
> 
> Bring tissues. I certainly did.

“Shepard. That’s my home down there. I have to go…” Liara had said as the Normandy entered the orbit of the asari home world of Thessia.

Shepard, Liara and Javik had then exited the shuttle with their eyes witnessing the carnage and destruction of the Reapers. For Shepard and Javik, these were images they’d seen before. For Liara, however, she was heartbroken with grief.

“This can’t be happening. My home!” she had cried out as they climbed over piles of rubble.

Waves and waves of Reaper forces attempted to block them from their goal.

Liara exchanged her pistol for her sub-machine gun as they continued towards the Temple of Athame. “This nightmare never ends!” she exclaimed with near exhaustion in his voice.

“The hell it won’t!” Shepard gritted his teeth as they continued running. “We get to this artifact and we can all wake up.”

The path to the temple was not an easy one, but they somehow managed it. Both Javik and the Commander soon deduced that the statue was cloaking a Prothean beacon with an ancient VI stored inside.

Unfortunately Kai Leng also had plans for the VI and decided to crash the party. This wasn’t anything like the fight he’d had with Thane. The Cerberus agent brought backup in the form of a gunship this time around and managed to snag the VI for the Illusive Man without much difficulty.

At first, Leng’s actions only fueled John’s rage even further as he shot at the retreating ship with a nearby pistol. Soon after, that rage dissolved into anguish as he stood there completely helpless at the sight of even more Reapers landing on the planet with the dying cries of asari troops echoing through his earpiece.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

The aftermath of Thessia was… challenging.

Many of the crew had gone to reassure Liara including Shepard himself. Even Javik had loosened up just a little and offered the asari some words of encouragement to fight on. She seemed better afterwards, but this was so much different than how she’d handled her mother’s death nearly 4 years before.

John knew eventually she would pull through, but it would take some time.

“How are you holding up, Shepard?” Garrus had caught Shepard’s uneasiness afterwards when he went to visit his friend. “This all has to be taking a toll.”

John stared off at the wall as his voice grew very quiet. “There’s only so much fight in a person, Garrus. Only so much death you can take before…”

“Before your friend picks you up, dusts you off, and tells you you’re the best damned soldier he’s ever met.” The turian gave Shepard a swift pat on the back with an encouraging nod. “We’ll get through this. We always do.”

He also received a pep talk from Joker. Well more like Shepard shouting at him before the pilot calmed him down the only way he could… wisdom through wisecracks.

By the end of it all, John felt inexplicably drained and just wanted to spend some time alone.

\----------------------------

Once he made it to his cabin, Shepard just locked the door and stood there with no light except for the faint blue tint of the fish tank. Eyes fluttered closed as thoughts drifted back into his mind of to that fateful night on Akuze.

His unit had entered the settlement and found it eerily quiet. Scouting further, they soon found that all of the colonists including the women and children were massacred.

The marines had camped out at the edge of the settlement, and by the time it got dark they were all sharing stories while chomping down on their usual Alliance military rations.

Shepard wasn’t sure who got taken first. He only remembered hearing the screams and the faint sight of tendrils reaching out from the darkness to grab each of his squad one by one.

 _“Get to cover!”_ he’d heard his commanding officer shout right before her torso was ripped apart and blood splattered all over his face. John had ducked behind a barrel and grabbed his rifle with rapid breaths. _“Thresher maws! Take ‘em DOWN,”_ he’d heard off in the distance.

Shots rang out in all directions, overlapped by the overwhelming sounds of his fellow soldiers’ deaths. Shepard gripped his gun tight and ran forth… shooting at one of the larger maws with a blood curdling yell.

Only when his gun had finally overheated did he stop and stare at the sheer carnage of what had just happened. His free hand rose to nurse a wound on his torso as his eyes scanned around from under his helmet.

Fifty marines. All brave men and women whom he’d fought with for so long… were dead. Their remains scattered amongst the torn flesh from the small pack of maws. The strength in his legs quickly gave out as he fell to his knees and rolled his head back; lungs nearly bursting as he screamed in anguish up towards the night sky.

Only when he no energy left to cry did he finally force himself back up and stumble back to the landing area… alone.

 _“They were running tests on the thresher maws. They let those things hit us just to watch and study.”_ Corporal Toombs had said when he was found nearly 6 years later on Ontarom.

 _“Toombs…”_ John had said with his voice cracking, _“I… I didn’t see anybody. If I’d seen you, I’d have come back for you, I swear.”_

 _“This organization. Cerberus. They ran secret tests… treated me like a lab animal…”_ The Corporal’s hand was shaking as he held the pistol at the scientist in front of him. _“This man deserves to die, Shepard! For you. For me, for everyone else in the unit!”_

 _“You’re better than this, Toombs. You’re not like them…”_ John tried to talk his fellow soldier down before he did something he’d regret.

 _“The rest of the unit died, and I was tortured for years, Shepard! You can’t judge me. You don’t have the right!”_ Toombs had all but growled at the Commander.

Cerburus. Mother fucking Cerberus. All they’d done was cause innocent people to suffer for ‘the good of humanity’.

John’s eyes quickly opened as his hands rose into fists so tight that his knuckles turned completely white. With a shriek between locked teeth he lunged for the fish tank. Fists hit the rigid glass again… and again… and again. Each swing was harder than the last, eventually cracking the exterior as he drew blood.

Tears found their way down his cheeks as the glass cracked again. The skin on his right knuckle had burst open with one of implants exposed through broken skin. Blood dripped down his arm to the floor as he continued attacking that damned tank… given to him by the very organization who’d ruined his life.

The cabin door beeped open with the manual override soon enough with both Kaidan and James soon rushing inside.

“Jesus H. Christ!” came Vega’s response at seeing the sheer amount of damage the Commander had caused to the tank… with just his fists.

The Major instead was immediately behind the other man… arms wrapping around tightly to stop him from hurting himself further. “Go get Dr. Chakwas, Lieutenant. Now!”

James didn’t need to be asked twice as he swiftly turned and rushed back towards the elevator.

Shepard dropped his hands and slowly sank down to the floor with his lover in tow. Quiet sobs burst forth from his chest as his head fell forwards.

Kaidan scooted closer on his knees and turned the younger man around. “John?” With concern in his eyes his fingers rose up to grasp the Commander’s face and lift his chin up. “Hey…” He smiled gently when those blue eyes met his own. “Shhhh. I’m here.”

“I… c-couldn’t save them…” John’s voice was cracking as he spoke as more tears streamed along his face.

The biotic sighed as he delicately tugged his fiancé into his arms. “I know, baby. I know…” He felt Shepard’s head hit his shoulder and arms reach around to grip at his back as they softly rocked back and forth on the floor.

Neither of them seemed to notice the door opening a few minutes later as James returned with Dr. Chakwas in tow.


	34. Thunder and Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the SR-1 is hunting Saren down all over the galaxy, Ashley Williams learns about Kaidan's not-so-secret crush on Shepard and decides to take matters into her own hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize profusely for missing a day with this Chapter. To make up for it, this one is basically two Chapters in one due to its length.
> 
> As I generally never keep her past the first game, I had to do a -lot- of research to remember some of Ashley's personality traits. Needless to say it was tough.
> 
> BIG NOTE: The 'space racism' that some people cite as a problem with the character is NOT in this Chapter. This is a more pleasant side of Ash that I think you guys will appreciate a whole lot better.

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams wasn’t expecting in her wildest dreams to ever be a part of the SSV Normandy crew. Yet after running into Lt. Commander John Shepard and Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko on Eden Prime, she was soon thrust feet first into this amazing adventure, and she was loving every moment of it.

Also while it didn’t hurt that Alenko and Shepard were both easy on the eyes, so to speak, she was determined to keep things between the three of them strictly professional. The addition of Dr. T’soni on board did make things a bit more complicated, however she did catch on quickly that neither man seemed remotely interested in the asari or anyone else for that matter.

One evening she found Tali in the mess around dinnertime and decided to sit down with her tray across from the quarian for a chat. “Hey Tali. I heard mission down to Eletania was interesting. I mean… pyjaks?”

“Oh yes tons of those things down there. One of them even stole the module we were looking for.” The quarian sat back with crossed arms. “Kaidan had to crawl through a tunnel to get it.”

“Oh yeah?” Ashley raised a brow curiously. “Never thought I’d see the LT on his hands and knees…” Ok bad start to that sentence. She softly smacked her forehead with a small chuckle. “I mean … nevermind."

Tali giggled a bit in return. “Oh that wasn’t even the crazy part, Ash. Once he crawled back out, we got attacked by some geth. He turned around and made this like… I don’t know. It was really a high pitched noise. Scared me worse than the geth, honestly.”

The Chief smirked and shook her head after a quick drink from her glass. “So what you’re saying is… Kaidan screamed like a little girl?”

“Keelah… is that the phrase?” Tali tapped the bottom of her mask with a finger in thought. “I mean, I thought human males could just squeal that high normally.”

Ash suppressed a small giggle as she held her fork up mid-bite. “Not normally, no. But man, I would pay 5000 credits for a recording of that to use for blackmail material later on.”

“Well I‘ve seen Kaidan do other things, too,” the other young woman observed.

“Hmm?” Now Williams was even more interested. “Like what?”

Tali then leaned in a little across the table towards her friend with her voice lowered. “I’ve caught the Lieutenant occasionally staring at Shepard. Like… really staring. Probably does it more around me thinking I can’t tell with my mask on.” She tapped the side of her head. “But I see things just fine, as you know.”

“Wha… wait a minute, Tali,” Ash squinted her brown eyes as she reduced her own voice level. “You trying to say that Kaidan’s… attracted to the Commander?” Her head shook quickly in denial. “Nah… not possible. When we were at Chora’s Den he wouldn’t shut up about the dancers in there, and they were all female.”

“I dunno, Ash.” The quarian shrugged slowly. “I’m just saying there’s something going on. Whether Shepard is aware of it or not is the question.”

Ashley then leaned back in her chair with a concerned expression on her features. While the military in more recent years had loosened up about those in the LGBTQ community serving, there were still a few who opposed such a thing. Despite her Christian upbringing, Ash had no such problem with it. Love whomever you want however you want as long as those involved were happy and didn’t harm anyone else with it.

Still, it was extremely difficult for her mind to fathom either Shepard or Alenko as gay. Maybe one or both were hiding it for one reason or another. Who knows? For now she decided to bury those thoughts deep within her mind and simply enjoy more time chatting with Tali.

\----------------------------

After their trip to Feros, just about the entire crew was a bit frazzled. I mean it’s not every day that you have to deal with a sentient plant who's lived over 50,000 years and then sends asari clones, brainwashed colonists, and bipedal plant zombies to try and kill you.

To help ease the apparent tension on the ship, Shepard scheduled 48 hours of shore leave for everyone on the Citadel.

While the others all had different plans, Ashley immediately came up with the idea of yanking both Shepard and Alenko for a night out at Flux to partake in some drinks, dancing, and generally just having a good time. Initially Kaidan was against the idea, citing that the loud music and bright lights would give him headaches, but she insisted that he come along anyways.

They slid into a trio of chairs surrounding a table near the back corner which still had a decent view of the dance floor. John ordered the first round of drinks and then leaned back comfortably in his chair with beer in hand and a small grin on his lips.

“So… you still confident about the being a Spectre, Shepard?” Ash asked as she twirled the tiny stirrer straw around in her glass. “I mean we did just deal with a shit ton of rachni on one planet and a giant plant on another.”

The Commander tilted his head back for a quick sip of alcohol before raising his shoulders in a tight shrug. “Eh, it’s not so bad… minus the entire Council still having sticks far up their asses.”

Kaidan just sat there quietly, watching the other two converse with his fingers curled tightly around his tumbler glass of whiskey and water.

The Chief’s eyes soon fell upon the Lieutenant and his lack of conversation with her foot moving under the table to kick at his shin. “Jesus Kaidan, loosen up a bit. You’ll be going grey by the time you’re 40 at this rate,” she joked with a sly smirk over the top of her own drink before sipping through the small straw.

Shepard slowly rolled his eyes and tried to hide his own smirk behind the mouth of his beer bottle. “Oh come on, Ash. He already said he doesn’t like the lights and noise. Cut Kaidan some slack.”

The biotic frowned and scooted back his chair a few inches while grabbing his glass with one hand. “You want loose?” He then rolled his head back and downed his entire drink in just a couple of rapid swallows. A hard slam was heard next as the now empty vessel was returned to the table and the man simply sat back with a smug grin on his face.

That simply provoked Ashley to laugh and wave the server back over to order a second drink for the Lieutenant. “Now we’re talkin, LT.” She then allowed her gaze to travel out to the dance floor. “You all wanna dance? I wanna dance.”

Shepard immediately held up both hands with a brisk shake of his head. “Oooh nonono. I’ve been told I dance like a leper on valium. Whatever that means. I’ll pass.”

Alenko was already about halfway through the second drink as he also shook his head. “I can already feel a bit of a migraine coming on even with the booze. I’d better stay here.”

The Chief visibly pouted in disgust at the two men “We’re supposed to be having fun!” She nodded towards a blonde haired Alliance recruit already on the dance floor with another sip of her beverage. “Fine. I’m going out there. I think that cute guy could use dance partner.”

Kaidan’s gaze turned to look over his shoulder at said recruit that Ash pointed out with raised brows. After looking the blonde up and down a couple of times he turned back and simply shrugged with another sip of whiskey. “‘He does have a nice ass, but he’s not my type.”

That statement was immediately followed up by an almost iconic ‘record scratch’ moment as both John and Ashley’s eyes focused on their squad mate with matching startled expressions. John simply cleared his throat after that and gulped down a very long swig from his bottle.

Ash, on the other hand, didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘discreet’ when she was drinking. “I swear it’s always the quiet ones who’re the most perverted.” With a shake of her head, her gaze returned to the Commander. “Anyways I gotta see what a leper on valium looks like to make a comparison. Go on out there…”

Shepard blew out a breath in frustration. “Alright but that means you’re paying my tab, Williams.” He pushed himself up from the chair and headed off to find an empty spot on the dance floor.

And that’s when Ashley saw it. Honey brown eyes turned just as the Commander wandered past and followed him… or more specifically followed his ass as John all but skipped across the room.

She immediately tapped Kaidan’s glass with her fingernail to get his eyes back in focus before she let out a huge laugh. “Holy shit. You’re gay? All that talk about the dancers at Chora’s Den was just a cover or something?”

The biotic let his eyes drop closed with a soft sigh. There was no point in hiding it at this point. “It wasn’t a cover, Ash. I’m bi.” His cheeks then flushed red as he looked away towards the opposite wall.

“LT?” Now the Chief was actually concerned as this was hitting him harder than some light teasing would ever accomplish. “What’s wrong?”

The Lieutenant quickly shot his head back around with a curt, “Nothing’s wrong. Just… drop it, okay?”

The Chief’s gaze turned to focus on Shepard and his… well he wasn’t kidding about the bad dancing, that’s for sure. He was slowly spinning around in place with his arms moving stiffly at his waist. Leper was an extreme description but it was pretty atrocious to watch.

“Damn I’ve seen elcor dance better than that man,” Ash murmured before her brown eyes returned to the Lieutenant. “Kaidan… I know you’re attracted to him. Why don’t you say something?”

“It doesn’t matter,” The biotic murmured with his own brown eyes drifting down to simply stare at the dregs of his drink.

Williams thought for a long moment as she observed the man sitting next to her. Soon her face lit up with a warm smile. “This is more than just a crush, isn’t it? You care about him. I mean… The way you reacted when he was hit by the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime…” Her hands flew up in the air and then landed palms down on the table. “I should have known…”

Kaidan started to shake his head as they both caught the sight of their Commander stepping back towards the table and then flopping back into his seat.

A small amount of sweat was noticeable on John’s brow as he grabbed the beer bottle between his fingers. “So was I right?” he asked with a small smirk.

The Chief could feel the almost blinding stare from Alenko as she opened her mouth to answer. She twisted her lips briefly before finally responding with “I’d update the description to ‘a hanar with a hernia’. That seems to flow better anyways.”

And that actually made all three of them burst out laughing so hard that the two turians seated nearby gave the trio nasty looks.

While Kaidan may not have the courage now to tell the other man how he felt, Ash somehow knew that Shepard would not be offended once he did know. In fact, she just had this sense that John may start to feel the same way. Woman’s intuition can deduce the most peculiar things sometimes…

\----------------------------

As the Normandy sped off towards the Hoc System, Ashley was so ready for all their chasing of Saren to be over. In fact she was simultaneously excited and nervous; so frazzled in fact that she could barely sleep.

Around 0500 Ash finally gave up even trying to rest and decided to head over to the mess for some coffee. Surprisingly she wasn’t the only early riser. Both Garrus and Shepard were already there having a bit of light discussion about weapon prep for the mission.

“Morning, Shepard. Vakarian.” The Chief nodded to each of them in turn and then continued on her way to the coffee pot. She always took her coffee with 2 sugars and a spoonful of cream. It just took a bit of the edge off the sludge that Alliance tried to pass off as morning brew.

“Hey Chief.” John always took his coffee completely black. One of a few traits Ash had picked up on that he shared with Kaidan. “You’re up early.”

Williams stirred her java with the same spoon she’d used for the cream and shrugged a shoulder. “Couldn’t sleep.” After that she lifted her cup for a sip to taste then blinked. “Actually can I talk with you a minute, Sir?”

John’s brows lifted in faint surprise but then he offered her a small nod. “Sure…” He mumbled a quick apology to Garrus, to which the turian seemed to have no objection to, then waved a hand towards his cabin.

Once they were both inside, he sat down in his chair with his coffee cup resting next to him upon the desk. “What’s up, Chief?”

A fingernail tapped against the side of her mug as she remained standing. Her mind went in all sorts of directions as she tried to find the right words. Finally she settled on, “So I was just wondering… I mean what’s going to happen if we run into Saren down there?”

“Well best case scenario, he sees we have a nuke and surrenders.” Shepard smirked and lifted his coffee to his lips for a quick drink.

Ashley followed suit with a small sip of her own java before chuckling. “And the worst case scenario?”

The Commander visibly winced with his cup resting in his hand around chest level. “Would rather not think about that, honestly.”

Williams exhaled slowly with a nod. “Understandable.” She glanced off to the side as her mind once again drifted to the Tennyson poem her father so loved before she recited just a few lines she still knew from memory.

> “Souls that have toiled, and wrought, and thought with me…
> 
> That ever with a frolic welcome took
> 
> The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
> 
> Free hearts, free foreheads… you and I are old;
> 
> Old age hath yet his honor and his toil;
> 
> Death closes all: but something ‘ere the end,
> 
> Some work of noble note, may yet be done,”

Shepard’s tilted his head and leaned back in his chair as he listened to Ashley’s eloquent words. “Another part of ‘Ulysses’?”

Her brown eyes drifted back with a nod as she rolled a pair of fingers over the top lip of her cup. “Yeah. I just… do you ever have thoughts of what it would be like to die alone?”

“What?” The Commander’s blue eyes widened with his face more than a little unsettled at her question. “Ash, come on. There’s no need to think like that.”

The Chief lightly shrugged a shoulder “Sorry, Sir. It’s just that…” Her gaze shifted away from Shepard towards the wall behind her… in the direction of Kaidan’s workspace in particular. “The one thing worse than dying alone is realizing in that last split second that someone special was out there the whole time, and they would never have let that happen.”

That made the Commander pause in mid-sip of his coffee and stare at Williams curiously.

Ashley just slowly tuned back and smiled warmly. “Thanks for the talk, Sir. I’ll go suit up and be ready to go when you give the word…”

And then she stepped through the door, leaving John to ponder in silence about those cryptic words.

\----------------------------

Ashley bunkered down next to the nuke as geth were dropping down on all sides. “There's too many. I don't think we can hold 'em” She shot her pistol left and right as two of her squad went down. Her left shoulder then stung with a sharp pain as a rifle blast went right by her. She gritted her teeth hard and turned quickly to open the arming panel “I’m activating the nuke.”

“What the hell are you doing, Williams?” Shepard shouted defiantly in her ear.

Her fingers tapped at the dimly lit buttons. “I’m making sire this bomb goes off no matter what.” She let out a breath while tapping in the final code to arm the nuke with a 15 minute countdown. “It's done Commander. Go get the Lieutenant and get the hell outta here.”

“Belay that.” Alenko interrupted over the com. “We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams.”

There was an incredibly long pause even as the Chief tried to dodge gunfire in front of her. Her breath caught in her throat as soon as she heard the Commander’s next few words.

“Alenko. Radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA Tower…”

The biotic’s voice was shaky as he replied. “Y-es Commander. I-I…”

Dammit Kaidan. After shooting down yet another geth charging forwards, Ashley scolded the man with sharp words, “You know it's the right choice LT.“

“I'm sorry Ash.” John’s voice grew quiet as he spoke. “I had to make a choice.”

Ashley closed her eyes for a brief moment, “I have no regrets, Commander. Just… don’t ever let yourself die alone, ok?”

Another long pause before the Commander finally answered back, “Acknowledged.”

As Ashley Williams turned her pistol to take out yet another geth invader her eyes soon saw the Normandy in the distance heading up and past the planet’s atmosphere. It’s true that she had no regrets. Somehow she knew both John and Kaidan would be alright.

> “Death closes all: but something ‘ere the end,
> 
> Some work of noble note, may yet be done…”

She softly smiled with those last few words right before her vision was blurred with overwhelming light…

\----------------------------


	35. From Nothing to Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John starts to come to terms with his guilt as he and Kaidan have a serious talk.

Shepard had managed to break the two front knuckles on his right hand and one on his left before Kaidan had finally stopped him from committing mass fish genocide in his cabin. The skin was also partially worn away on both due to just how persistent his fists had been when he’d attacked the glass.

“You’re lucky you didn’t break your entire hand along with all the other damage, Commander.” Dr. Chakwas had ordered him immediately to the med bay and was already patching up the lost skin with a new graft. “Those implants sure do speed up your healing, that’s for sure.” She snorted a small laugh. “One silver lining for working with… well you know.”

John just grunted in defiance as he was already having a hard time sitting still for this long. Kaidan was sitting on a stool next to him with a reassuring hand resting on his back, which was the only reason he wasn’t already going completely stir crazy. He was grateful that Chakwas had omitted the mention of Cerberus from her last statement, but he still felt extremely bitter.

Aside from bringing him back from near death and giving him a new ship, Cerberus had caused the Commander a great deal of pain. Starting with Akuze, they’d dipped their toes into his life in one way or another for the past 9 years. They’d massacred millions of civilians and soldiers alike for their experiments. The Illusive Man had personally risked the life of Shepard and his crew on multiple occasions to just learn more about the Collectors. What they were doing now was just icing on the cake.

It wasn’t just Cerberus either. Shepard’s biggest fear had always been losing anyone he’d sworn to protect.

The marines on Akuze.

The colonists on Horizon.

The batarian civilians in the Bahak system.

The civilians and C-Sec on the Citadel during the Coup.

The millions of casualties on Earth, Palavan, Rannoch, Thessia and all of the other planets being swarmed by the Reapers at this very moment.

Jenkins.

Ashley.

Pressley.

Mordin.

Legion.

Thane.

It took every ounce of the Commander’s willpower to not curl his hands into fists all over again as Chakwas finally finished her work. His hands still hurt like hell, but at least they no longer looked like it too.

“Major, would you please make sure that Shepard makes it back to his cabin before he punches anything… or anyone else?” The Doc had always been one for cheerful brusque as a part of her usual bedside manner. A trait that John had admired about her for all these years.

The biotic couldn’t help but chuckle as he helped his fiancé back up to his feet. “Aye aye, ma’am,” he replied and then proceeded to guide the younger man on over towards the elevator.

It was only when the two men reentered the Captain’s cabin that John finally took in just how much damage he’d inflicted upon the fish tank. His point of origin had been the left side at the top of the steps. There was an extensive divot in the glass which had then gone on to crack outwards in three different directions. It was pretty obvious that the tank would have burst from the strain if Kaidan hadn’t stopped him when he did.

Blunt fingers reached over to run over the indentation with his lips curling downwards into a deep frown. “Fuck…” was all he could manage to say as his forehead leaned forwards to touch the cold glass.

He then felt his lover’s stable hands slide over his shoulders and offer both a comforting squeeze. “I distinctly remember you telling me to stop blaming myself,” the Major murmured with soft lips pressed against the back of John’s neck. Those selfsame hands then slowly spun the younger man around. “I also still remember what you told me after we lost Ashley.”

Shepard’s eyes were still facing the floor even as his form was turned to face the Major. “That I’d remember her and do better for her…” He swallowed even as his head was lifted and with cheeks cupped between Kaidan’s own tender palms. 

“What did she say to you that made you choose me instead of her on Virmire?”

John’s soft blue eyes soon filled with unshed tears as he recalled the Gunnery Chief’s words. “She told me that the one thing worse than dying alone was realizing far too late that someone special was out there all along who’d never have let that happen.”

Kaidan’s hands then dropped in sheer surprise as his eyes grew wide. After biting his lower lip for a fleeting moment he took the Commander’s hand and led him over to sit down on the foot of the bed. “You know, that night at Flux,” he began after both of them had sat down, “she confronted me about my feelings for you.”

“While I was making a complete ass of myself on the dance floor? Figures…” The Commander slowly rolled his eyes and combed a sore hand through his short hair.

The Major in turn reached a hand of his own up to rub along the back of his neck. “Yes well… I’d asked her not to say thing about it at the time.”

Shepard inclined his head with brows lifting upwards “When did you realize… I mean. When did you know?”

“Mmmm?” Kaidan returned John’s inquisitive gaze with one of his own. “When did I know what, exactly?”

“That you were in love with me?”

The biotic blinked a couple of times and bit upon his lower lip once more in thought. “I guess it started when you saved me from the beacon on Eden Prime but… I think I fully realized it when you ordered me to leave during the Collector attack.”

John slowly nodded as he smiled just a touch. “When you said, ‘I’m not leaving either.’” He let himself fall back on the bed with a long breath, staring up at the stars through the skylight.

The Major laid down as well, gradually rolling onto his side and propping his head up with an elbow. “When did you know?”

The Commander turned his eyes away from the ceiling towards his lover as his features shifted into an expression of pure guilt. “It took longer for me. Only because I didn’t fully understand everything at the time.” He breathed slowly with a hand resting on his chest. “I mean what Ashley said had me confused at first. Shit, I had always thought I was only attracted to women, but something was still nagging at my gut.

“Once Cerberus brought me back, I had to deal with Miranda walking all over the place in this… skintight white jumper suit. I mean you have to understand, Kaid… she is by all accounts genetically perfect which includes her appearance.” He dropped an arm down over his eyes with a smirk. “I think she was both relieved maybe a little disappointed that I never wanted to sleep with her.”

“Probably best for both of you that you didn’t,” the biotic responded gently.

Shepard nodded slightly against his arm before he continued. “After Cerberus gave me the SR-2, took a side trip to Alchera to pay respects and to put down a memorial for the lost crew. I stopped at the remains of your old work station and just… stood there for a really long time.”

Kaidan smiled softly with his brown eyes glistening in the low light. “That couldn’t have been easy to do. Seeing the crash site, I mean.”

“It was harder taking the shuttle back to the new ship… and finally coming to the realization that most of the older crew were gone. I mean, sure Joker and Chakwas were aboard at that point but it still felt… empty.” Another long breath with his hand then sliding down from his eyes to lay along his side on the mattress. “Then Horizon happened…”

His fiancé frowned deeply. “John, I…”

The same hand then lifted to cut Kaidan’s words off. “No. I understand why you were angry. I was the dumbass who didn’t realize your feelings at the time, or even comprehend my own.” Blue eyes drifted over to stare into warm pools of honey brown. “It took having a talk with Thane afterwards for me to even consider that I could care that deeply for someone.

“As for when I fully realized that I loved you?” Fingers came to rest upon Kaidan’s left cheek. “When I saw you walk up to Anderson in Vancouver, you looked at me and I just… knew.” His thumb came down to brush ever so gently across his lover’s lips. “I want us both to do better for Ash. Neither of us should have to die alone…”

The Major leaned down and brushed a feather light kiss upon John’s own lips. “That’s a promise… for her and for us.” He then slid down to rest his head upon his fiancé’s chest. “For now, though I think you should rest before you consider throwing your fists at anything else, eh?”

Arms rose to wrap around the older man with a soft chuckle. “You still toss a much harder punch than I do, Kaid… but alright.”

“Mmmm. Tease…” Kaidan murmured as he was already drifting into slumber.

“Always…” Shepard responded with a gentle smile as he let his own eyelids flutter closed.


	36. Attention to Detail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and crew tackle Sanctuary and help save both the lives of Miranda and her sister. In the aftermath, Miranda decides to return the favor for her former Commander.

Both John & Kaidan woke up a few hours later to the sound of Joker over the com announcing that they were now orbiting Horizon and ready to send down a shuttle to Sanctuary.

They both groaned almost in unison before Kaidan grinned and tilted his head upwards to give his lover a soothing kiss. “Mmmm. Nice to actually be able to sleep once in a while, eh?” he whispered as he sat up from Shepard’s chest.

“Definitely…” John agreed and brushed his messy short hair forwards with still somewhat sore fingers. “How long were we out anyways?”

The Major pulled up his omni tool and lifted a brow. “Looks like just shy of three hours.”

Shepard grunted a short laugh and pushed himself up off the bed. “And I bet they’ll all think we spent the whole time in here doing anything but sleeping.”

Kaidan’s devilish smile said it all as he rose to his feet as well. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

The Commander just grinned wider with a slow shake of his head. “Have I ever said how much I love you, Kaid?”

“A few times.” The biotic stepped over to his fiancé and gave him a mischievous pat on the ass. “But, it’s always nice to hear it again.”

“And you say I’m a tease?” An arm rolled around the Major’s shoulders to pull him closer. “Come on. Let’s suit up and go find Kai Leng.”

\----------------------------

All Shepard, Kaidan and Garrus found at Sanctuary was a handful of Cerberus troops, a shitload of Reaper forces, and Henry Lawson holding Oriana hostage at gunpoint. Luckily Miranda’s good instincts meant she arrived in plenty of time to not only ruin Kai Leng’s plans but also keep her father from taking her sister anywhere else.

Lawson all but acted like a sniveling coward behind one daughter while offering demands to gain a suitable exit. Despite the Commander’s efforts to at the very least convince the man to let Oriana go, Miranda ceased the opportunity and superbly threw a biotic push to send him straight through the glass.

“No deal…” She had nearly spit those words at the man after he’d fallen to his death upon the floor below.

Garrus simply twitched his mandibles in a faint grin then immediately walked over to the nearest console with Kaidan following close behind.

The biotic did sneak a curious glimpse towards Miranda from across the room with both eyebrows soon lifted in surprise. He vaguely remembered her from the colony after the Collector attack. Unfortunately he was too busy being angry at the time to get a really good look at her. Now that Kaidan could get a much better view he finally saw what John had meant about her appearance. Her curves were extremely pronounced where they needed to be, and her jumpsuit did absolutely nothing to hide them either.

“Major, need I remind you that your fiancé is standing right next to the woman you’re gawking at? At least close your mouth and try to not look so damned obvious.” Not much escaped Garrus attention these days, but that just comes with being one of the best snipers in the galaxy. The turian did at least keep his voice low as he continued typing on the keypad in front of him.

Kaidan cleared his throat softly and then gave his squad mate a cool glare in return. He was well aware still of Garrus’ promise if things went awry between him and John. Miranda was clearly attractive, but he also had absolutely no desire to cheat on his soon-to-be-husband either.

Now that Miranda and her sister were safe, the Commander could focus on other problems. “What’s our status, Garrus? Any intel we can use from this place?”

“Research data’s gone.” The turian frowned and kept typing. “Some basic facility information. Shuttle arrivals and departures. Cerberus included.” He then looked up and over. “No direct links but it’s a good start.”

Well at least that was something. Shepard nodded quickly as he finally returned his pistol to its holster. “Grab anything you can off the computer. We’ll take it back to be analyzed.”

“I can do better than that,” came Miranda’s voice from across the room.

John paused and glanced over his shoulder. “What?”

Miranda pulled what appeared to be a small pad from a side pocket “Before Kai Leng took off, I planted a tracer on him. You should be able to track him right to the Illusive Man.” She then placed the device into Shepard’s gloved hand.

“A tracer?” The Commander couldn’t help but smile with blue eyes scanning the tiny screen. ”Sounds like you thought of everything.”

The woman chuckled faintly. “Not quite but… nobody’s perfect.”

“Thanks Miranda. This is… exactly what we need.” John did noticeably sigh with relief as the pad was then slipped into one of his own armor satchels.

The gratitude was accompanied by a gentle smile from the woman. “Thought you might need some good news for once.”

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

After they’d dealt with the chaos of Sanctuary, it was back to the Citadel for a couple more days of downtime before they were bound for the Illusive Man’s base.

It also gave Shepard a bit more time to spend with a few more members of the crew. On the first day he caught a game of biotiball with James and Steve in the early afternoon, a sappy romance movie with Tali in the later afternoon, and a nice chat with Samara in the early evening.

Finally hearing that Miranda had made a quick trip to the Citadel as well, he had her come up for a couple of drinks.

“Hey Miranda. Good to see you. How do you like the place?” Shepard smiled as he meandered down the steps.

The woman strutted across the smooth wooden floor with a gentle smirk. “Not a part of town I'd normally associate you with, Shepard, but I’ll admit I like it.”

They both wandered into the bar area with John kneeling down to find a bottle under the counter.

“So… a clone?” Miranda asked as she leaned her elbows in against the bar top.

The Commander grinned as he stood back up and popped the bottle open. “Yup, saw it myself.” Blue liquid was carefully poured into two glasses before replacing the lid.

“Honestly I'm not sure the galaxy could survive two Shepards. Think of the property damage.” Miranda then playfully snorted with a gloved hand snatching a glass and tipping it back for a gentle sip to taste. A brisk turn soon followed as she padded closer to the large window nearby. After glancing down, she pouted ever so slightly. “Aw, they shut down my favorite sushi place.”

John followed with his own drink in hand. “That’s…. a shame,” he replied with the absolute worst imitation of surprise ever in his voice.

That made the woman quickly look over her shoulder with blue eyes squinting in disbelief. “Shepard… you didn’t...”

Well there was no point in hiding it now. “I did…” the Commander nodded rapidly before sipping from his glass. “Fell right through the fish tank.”

A thin, dark brow lifted on her face as Miranda continued to watch the man over her shoulder. “How did you manage that, exactly?”

“It… exploded,” John finally admitted with a sheepish expression.

The woman then rolled her eyes with a smirk before slowly turning back towards the window.

The Commander took a step closer with a semi-annoyed grunt in his throat. “Hey it was the clone's plan, not mine.”

“Blowing up a fish tank shouldn't be a part of anyone's plan.” Miranda soon peeked back over her shoulder. “Although executing marine life seems to be some sort of hobby with you…”

Shepard blinked hard at that with the fingers of his free hand unconsciously flexing at his side. “Yeah… about that,” he murmured. “I ah… you know anyone who can repair one of those things?”

“Oh no. Did you destroy the one in your cabin too?” She just shook her head with a sigh and took a much more lengthy drink from her glass.

John’s own soft blue eyes found the window as he stared out unfocused towards the bright lights beyond. “I sort of… punched it a few times. It’s not destroyed but it had a few good cracks in it now.”

Miranda’s face completely transformed from teasing to pure shock in an instant. “Why the hell did you do that?”

He drew in a sharp breath as his index finger traced around the top of his glass. “After Kai Leng got away on Thessia, I just… snapped. I was so pissed at Cerberus that I attacked the first thing that reminded me of it.”

There was a deathly silence between them for what felt like ages as Miranda just watched the man. Finally she managed to whisper, “Shepard… I’m so sorry.”

Shepard eventually turned his eyes down towards her with a tired smile. “It’s okay. You planting that tracer is a huge help. We’ll get him.”

Miranda inclined her head in a slow nod. “He’s always been a thorn in my side. I won’t miss him if you… well you know.“

The Commander finally grinned just a little bit. “You know… you and I have been doing all of this for so long that it feels like neither of us even know how to experience a normal life.”

“Well to be fair I still don’t understand how you handle your life. How could anyone? All that running, jumping, gunfire. It's crazy.”

Shepard just shook his head before finally finishing off his drink. “I try not to think about it.”

Miranda leaned back against the window and crossed her feet. “Probably for the best anyway.” Her eyes flickered around the room briefly before they finally found their way to John. “Can you meet me in the Casino in 30 minutes? I have an idea.”

Uh oh. John suddenly had an utterly panicked look on his face. “Uh… is that a good or a bad thing?”

She gave the man a playful smile as her finger tapped lightly upon his chest. “Just be dressed to impress and find me by the roulette table. I’ll be the one in red.”

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Betting at the roulette table didn’t go so well for Miranda as she grumbled after a trio of losses.

“Damn. I'm not very good at this. Truth is, it seems I’m not very good at being normal, either.” She nervously scratched lightly at the collar of her red dress and sighed. “Bit of a disaster really.”

Shepard leaned back against the side of the table with arms crossed over his chest. “Maybe we just need a little more practice is all.”

“How do we do that? I mean this place is nothing but alcohol, gambling and wasting time.” She huffed in frustration and mirrored the Commander’s arms.

John simply answered her remark with both brows raised and a sly smirk before flagging down a passing quarian server “Bring the lady more wine, please?”

Miranda’s right hand rose to cover her face in mock embarrassment. “I'm going to regret this, aren’t I?”

The Commander handed over a glass filled with red wine and grinned lightly, “Come on, partner. Let’s go sit down and at least attempt to be normal.”

Fingers reached out for the wine stem as the woman let loose a small giggle of delight. A sound that John had definitely not heard from her before. They slowly clinked glasses and then wandered off to find a booth to sit down in and relax.

“So…” Miranda finally said after they had settled in and ordered some dinner. “The rumor mill is buzzing that you’re engaged?”

John’s expression shifted to surprise while leaning back in his seat. “News travels fast. Yes I am.”

“Who’s the lucky lady?” She asked with a gentle smile as she crossed her legs and smoothed out her skirt with her fingers.

Shepard cleared his throat and brought a hand up over his hair. “It’s ah… another man, actually.”

The woman tilted her head. “I see.” She didn’t seem offended by that little tidbit of information in the slightest. “Let me guess… Kaidan Alenko?”

“Got it in one,” he nodded and finally shifted in his chair to lean forward. Elbows then assisted in propping up his chin which soon fell within his hands. “What gave it away?”

Miranda rolled her eyes and waved a hand in front of her. “Oh please. The way he reacted to you at the colony for working with Cerberus? I believe I remember him specifically saying that losing you was like losing a limb. He loved you even then behind all that anger.”

The Commander skewed his lips in thought. He’d completely forgotten Kaidan saying that. Then again Horizon was pretty tense for everyone involved. “Yeah…” he whispered finally. “It was a bit rocky between him and me for a while but we’ve managed to work things out.”

“I’m glad.” She smiled warmly and brushed a few stray hairs out from in front of her eyes. “If there’s anyone in this galaxy who needs a little extra emotional support right now… it’s you.” Her hand clasped the wine glass in front of her and pulled it up to her lips for a quick sip before speaking again. “So… when’s the big day?”

“Big day?” Shepard squinted his eyes for a moment. “We haven’t really picked one yet.”

“Seriously? There’s no time like the present, Shepard… especially with the Reapers still out there.“ She then pulled up an arm and activated her omni tool to scan through a couple of screens.

“Wait, wait. What are you doing, Miranda?”

“Making sure you boys have a proper wedding.” Miranda’s eyes brightened as she scrolled through a list. “How’s tomorrow evening sound?”

John coughed and sat up straight. “Tomorrow?” he actually squeaked in reply.

“Yes… tomorrow, and don’t you even try and chicken out, John Shepard.” The woman tapped a couple more screens as her gaze was suitably determined at this point. “You have rings already or do I need to get those too?”

Shepard quickly shook his head. “No no… we’ve got the rings covered. You really don’t need to do all of this.”

Her blue eyes rolled from the glowing omni tool to his face. “What? You did say we needed to be normal. What’s more normal than planning a wedding for your friend who’s too stubborn to do it himself?”

John rubbed at his brow with a couple fingers “Alright. You win. But can we at least let Kaidan know first? His mother is already gonna be super upset if she misses this.”

Miranda just smiled with a bit of mirth in her eyes as their food soon arrived. “Just wait and see, Shepard. I’ll take care of everything…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know how Miranda can get when she sets her mind on something, right? We'll see how she does with this in the very next Chapter, just in time for N7 Day!


	37. To Have and To Hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan & John enjoy a small, quiet wedding at the apartment, but not without a few surprises in store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy N7 Day, you guys! Enjoy some extra bouncy fluff.

If there were any personality traits one could always associate with Miranda Lawson… her uncanny ability to be as meticulous as possible was definitely in her top three.

The first thing she did was impose a mandatory separation of both grooms to different bedrooms for the duration of the preparations. John was locked in the master bedroom upstairs while Kaidan was similarly segregated into the smaller bedroom downstairs. To make matters worse, a krogan was stationed at each door just to make sure neither tried to sneak out.

John had initially suggested that he and Kaidan wear their dress blues for the occasion. This was similarly shot down by the woman as a large box was hand delivered through his door. Inside was a brand new crisp off-white tux with black and gold accents and matching black formal slacks for him to wear instead. Luckily she’d remembered his size from when they were first on the SR-2 as both articles of clothing just about fit him like a glove.

“At least it’s not a dress.” John smirked as he stood up straight in front of the mirror. The high collar was still a bit itchy as it brushed against his neck. Blue eyes admired the polished golden buttons that ran along the length of the left side with the matching ones clasping the sleeves in place just above his nervous hands.

With them completely split up, Shepard had no idea if his fiancé would be fitted in similar attire or not. Miranda was adamant about at the very least upholding the wedding tradition of keeping the soon-to-be-spouses apart until the actual ceremony. The mystery of it was meant to add to the experience, she’s explained. All it did at this very moment was make him even more tense.

He soon heard a brisk knock from outside and then Grunt’s deep yet muffled voice. “Go on in,” the tank bred krogan responded as the door quickly opened and then locked behind whomever had been allowed to enter.

“I’ll be right out!” The Commander shouted from the bathroom as he tugged the collar away from his neck and leaning forwards to make sure his hair hadn’t suddenly transformed into a jumbled mess since the last time he checked 5 minutes ago. Once he was convinced that he appeared presentable, John smiled and then stepped around the corner “Sorry for…”

“Sorry for what, Shepard?” came the booming voice of Admiral David Anderson who stood there with arms crossed and an affectionate smile on his tired features. He looked quite stylish in his set of dress blues complete with matching gloves and spit shined leather shoes. “It’s not every day that the Savior of the Galaxy gets married, you know.”

“Anderson?” John just stood there in the bathroom doorway with his mouth completely agape and eyes as wide as saucers. “How did you…? I mean… Earth… and…” It took every ounce of his willpower to keep his hand from shooting up into a proper salute. Once that temptation was finally past him, he promptly crossed the room pulled the Admiral into a tight hug. “I’m honored that you could make it, Sir.”

The older man was undeniably not expecting the hug as he breathed out a quick huff but then offered Shepard a brisk pat on the back as he returned the embrace. “Miranda suggested that I be the one to lead you as a Father-to-the-Groom. Reapers be damned if I wasn’t going to accept.” He gradually pulled away and looked John up and down a couple of times. “Good thing, too. You look nervous as hell, Son.”

Shepard cleared his throat and wrung his hands together in front of him. “You know how it is, Sir. Taking that first step into battle is something you can eventually get used to. That first step down the aisle to be married can be another thing entirely.” He grumbled and eventually let his hands drop. “I still can’t believe I let Miranda talk me into this.”

“Was going to happen sooner or later.” The Admiral grinned and extended out his elbow for the younger man to grasp. “Ready to do this, Commander?”

The sheer amount of butterflies in John’s stomach caused his hand to shake just a touch as he wrapped it around Anderson’s arm. A deep breath emanated from his chest before answering with a quick nod. “Thank you for doing this, Sir.”

Anderson replied with a small nod then led the Commander to the door. His hand raised to give a special coded knock before it unlocked and opened with a quiet swish.

Grunt took one step back to let them through, only then motioning for them to wait a brief moment.

As they stood there, John took the time at least to scan the apartment and see what else Miranda had done for the ceremony.

All of his past and present crew were here. Some were dressed up, while others (like Zaeed and Javik) simply wore what they felt most comfortable in. Probably the biggest surprise was seeing Jack standing there in a rather nice black cocktail dress with combat boots on her feet to match. Was much better than the outfits she used to wear, that’s for sure. John also didn’t spy Kasumi amongst the crowd, but he just knew she had to be around… somewhere.

Admiral Hackett was standing at ease front of the window, suitably in his own dress blues with gold accents. The wedding party consisted of Garrus, Liara, Samantha, and Tali. Garrus had on a rather nice jumpsuit and jacket of blue and white. Liara was in a dark purple gown that accentuated her figure quite nicely. Tali had switched to a more formal enviro suit in shades of black and white. Sam had chosen to also wear dress blues instead of a gown with her short hair pinned up and away from her dark face.

And then there was one figure near the front that soon caught Shepard’s eye. A small-statured woman perhaps in her mid 60’s with salt & pepper hair tugged up neatly into a bun. She wore a traditional ankle-length Chinese cheongsam of soft baby blue and white satin. As her face turned, he caught a quick glimpse of her soft mocha skin and the familiar shade of honey brown in her eyes. Kaidan’s mother was here… despite all odds. He suddenly remembered his fiancé’s recent wish of taking her off planet and couldn’t help but smile.

Glyph was floating above the piano while playing soft music for the guests. The couches and coffee table had been moved out of the front room with everyone separated into two small groups so that both grooms could easily walk down the middle.

Suddenly the piano’s music tempo increased as if to signal that both grooms were present and ready to proceed. Each guest’s eyes turned behind them as Anderson led the Commander down one step at a time. Each step felt like an eternity until John would finally see his lover and whomever was guiding him down the hall from the other bedroom.

He didn’t have to wait long as his eyes soon gazed upon the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen.

Kaidan’s tux was similar to John’s except a rich shade of red and black with matching gold buttons along the left side. The particular shade of crimson that Miranda had chosen accented his tanned skin and brown eyes flawlessly. His dark hair was gelled back but with a few curls left loose to give him a slightly more boyish appearance. As they drew closer together, Shepard’s nostrils caught the near intoxicating scent of the older man’s cologne. A mixture of apple, lavender and something else that gave it a rich woodsy texture.

His arm held fast to another gentleman’s as they walked at a much more moderate pace. The other man’s free hand leaned desperately upon a metal cane which gave away in an instant that this man was undoubtedly Kaidan’s father Tom. He wore a completely black tux with silver cufflinks that matched so perfectly with his light skin, thick silver hair and stunning pale blue eyes. His pointed nose and cleft chin were two of the most prominent facial features that his son had inherited. Both men looked extremely handsome as they soon paused mid step.

Both grooms finally locked eyes with one another so focused that everyone else in the room may as well have disappeared into the ether. Both David Anderson and Tom Alenko also exchanged glances as they led the two human Spectres down the middle of the room and finally stepped away once the two finally stood in front of Admiral Hackett.

Both men’s hands interlocked together between them as they turned to face each other. Kaidan mouthed a silent ‘love you’ to which John replied with a brilliant smile and an equally endearing ‘love you too’ right back.

“We’ve all gathered here this evening to witness a joyous occasion to join together these two men in the bonds of matrimony,” Hackett began with his hands falling to rest at his waist in front of him. “Both of them have encountered so much in just the past few years, with many of these self-same experiences threatening to keep them apart. And yet Saren, the geth, the Collectors, Cerberus, the Reapers… hell not even death itself was able to stop these two from being here today. So… we now celebrate their devotion and love with a simple token to bond them together.” The Admiral then looked around the room. “The rings, if you please?”

That was the cue for Garrus to slip thick fingers within his inner pocket and pull forth the small black suede box that he’d been entrusted with earlier in the day. The lid cracked open with Shepard then receiving his ring for Kaidan first.

The shimmering blue stone matched the Commander’s own eyes perfectly as they began to gleam with the beginnings of tears. His breath caught deep within his throat as he watched the polished band of silver glide upon the other man’s ring finger. He’d barely even caught Hackett’s words before replying with a quiet “I do…” once the ring was fully in place.

Kaidan was presented with John’s ring soon after. Thanks to his recent onslaught of the Normandy’s fish tank, it fit more snug than he liked but still reached its final position soon enough. “I do…” came the Major’s own words just before both sets of fingers laced together and squeezed.

“Well then without further ado, I present to you all… Commander and Major Alenko-Shepard.” Hackett smiled warmly and stepped back so that the husbands could have their space. “Now kiss before we suddenly get attacked or worse.”

Both grooms laughed before their hands broke free and slid around each other to pull their bodies in close. Slightly parted lips met as they both savored every small sensation they could. From the sweet taste of their tongues to the silky softness of their mouths gliding against each other… this first tender kiss as husbands was absolute perfection.

And perhaps they even heard a gentle whisper of prayer to Arashu as both men eventually parted and grasped each other’s hand.

“Fuck! Is it time to get drunk yet?” Jack’s boisterous voice soon burst through the applause of the guests in the room once the husbands had ceased their embrace. Everyone else’s eyes soon turned in the direction of the tattooed woman with her just curling her upper lip into a snarl in retaliation.

Shepard sighed heavily and glanced over to his husband with a smirk. “Well this is supposed to be a celebration, right?”

“Exactly,” Kaidan answered his husband with a grin of his own. “Then we’d better hop to it, eh?”


	38. One Last Moment of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan continue the celebration of their first night together as husbands...

The party after the wedding was a wild mixture of several strange drunken stories, some mediocre dancing, and finally a group photo around the couch. Once things had begun to settle, everyone separated to either head back to the ship for the night or crash somewhere in the apartment.

That was when the new husbands seized the opportunity to wander upstairs and lock both doors to the master bedroom after kicking a very drunk Grunt out of the bathroom.

John’s back soon hit the wall as his husband’s rough fingers fumbled with the smooth buttons of his tux. One by one they were pulled loose as he soon felt the older man’s petal soft lips run along the side of his neck. The crisp scent of his cologne was still there mixed with the whiskey still lingering on his breath.

“I’ve been wanting to get you out of that penguin suit all night,” Kaidan’s words dripped with hunger as his hands pushed Shepard’s jacket off his shoulders.

His wrists were soon grasped in tandem by his husband’s hands and held in place for just a moment as the Commander pulled him close with soft words purred into the other man’s ear.

“Let me take care of you tonight, Kaidan.”

Words so similar to their first night together. The biotic closed his eyes tight and all but moaned in reply even as his hands were hesitantly pushed down to his sides.

Shepard smiled with his own digits sliding up along the rigid red cloth of his lover’s tux. Lips leaned in to brush against the faint stubble of Kaidan’s chin as each polished button was patiently popped open. Once the last button was pulled free, calloused fingers caressed beneath the fabric at a languid pace. The jacket soon fell to the floor with one hand reaching soon after to grasp his husband’s chin.

“Be right back…” The Commander whispered and then turned to walk away for a fleeting moment. The Major could faintly hear the sound of a side drawer opening and closing before John returned. A hand slowly opened with the cloth blindfold that Thane had given to Kaidan rolling downwards from his palm. “I can’t be Thane but… I want to do this for you.”

The biotic’s breath caught deep within his throat. His hand rose to grasp the bottom edge of the blindfold with a small shake of his head. “I don’t need you to be Thane.” Whiskey brown eyes soon met piercing blue as he breathed, “I want you to be John.” His hands then fell to rest behind his back as he closed his eyes and waited patiently for the blindfold to be put in place.

Shepard smiled and stepped around to wrap the smooth cloth over his lover’s eyes. “Duly noted.” Once the cloth was tied in place he kicked the red tux across the floor and finished unbuttoning his own to toss down over on top of it. “Take your shirt off,” he requested and stood back.

Kaidan’s hands rolled forwards and then crossed as he tugged his undershirt loose from the waistband of his slacks and then briskly dragged it up and over his head. “Yes, John…” he whispered as the cotton clothing soon dropped to the floor by his feet.

The Commander swallowed as he began to slowly step around and enjoy the mesmerizing sight of his husband’s bare torso. Mocha skin complimented by the scant amount of dark hair on his chest and stomach accented his trim muscles. As the older man stood there, John’s eyes observed every curve, scar, mole and freckle with careful precision. His hands eventually leaned forwards to unfasten the leather belt while his breath brushed teasingly over an exposed nipple.

The Major’s torso trembled as his erection only grew more apparent beneath the silk trousers still holding it at bay. Teeth bit on his lower lip as those selfsame pants were unbuttoned and slid down along with his briefs past his hips.

Shepard was in absolutely no hurry tonight. This time was just for the two of them and nothing was going to stand in their way. The Reapers, Cerberus, and everything else was pushed into the background as his eyes embraced the pure magnificence that was his husband’s naked form as it gradually came into view. Pants, briefs, socks and shoes were discarded with care before he came to rest upon his knees.

He leaned forwards to bury his nose within the soft dark curls between his lover’s legs and consume the provocative scent of sweat and arousal. Just as he felt yet another struggled breath from his husband’s chest, his chin rolled downwards to initiate agonizingly slow gestures with his lips and tongue along the hard shaft presented before him. It wasn’t long before the salty taste of Kaidan’s pre come had passed just between his lips.

_“Imagine his tongue there. His warm lips kissing between your legs as he wants nothing more than to please you…”_

Thane’s suggestive words suddenly echoed in Kaidan’s mind as his fingers fought every urge to not simply grab John’s head and shove his cock deep within that warm mouth. Instead shaky hands returned to their place behind his back and curled into tight fists with anticipation.

Shepard’s own hand wrapped around the base of his lover’s cock while the other slipped around to grip the tight muscle of his hip. He slowly willed his lips down along that hard length only stopping when they reached his fingers. Those same lips withdrew with his tongue dragging around the underside of the head and then teasingly across the slit. Blue eyes continued to watch his lover’s reactions with a bit of pride as the other man’s lips parted with a harsh gasp followed by a rich moan.

A hand glided up and down along the hard shaft, now wet and slippery from John’s saliva. He didn’t want his husband to finish… not yet. There was still plenty more he wanted to share before the night was complete.

“Do you want me inside you?” He made the words almost too quiet for Kaidan to hear as he hummed against the tip of his erection.

Kaidan’s head fell back as he answered with a labored breath. “Yes, John…”

It was then that the biotic felt his husband pull away. With the blindfold on this felt like excruciating torture. There was a rustling of cloth from somewhere in front of him as the Commander shed the rest of his own clothing. A hand soon found his and led him over to the bed and sat him down.

“Roll onto your stomach.”

“Yes, John…”

The Major fell back onto the bed and scooted backwards as far as he could before shifting around face first against the comforter. Fingers took hold of each hip and propped them up with his legs parted. The bed gently shifted as Shepard soon moved into place behind him and placed a quick bite on one cheek before he drew them both apart.

John leaned in and once again inhaled the arousing scent of his lover as his tongue began roving across the tight ring of muscle. As Kaidan’s hips jumped, they were met with a swift smack of his husband’s hand against his ass. The older man’s head dropped forwards as he hissed and tried to keep his hips as still as possible. The wet tongue drove past the Major’s opening as a rumble was felt deep within the other man’s throat.

“Shit!” was the biotic’s response as he thrust his hips back without even realizing it. Another quick crack against his ass was John’s reply. The hard snap from a plastic cap of lube was the next sound that he caught as the ministrations of his lover’s tongue was soon replaced with a finger as it pressed deep inside.

_“You want him to make you feel good?”_

Once again he could hear the soothing words of the drell deep within his mind. A second finger joined the first as John sucked one of Kaidan’s balls into his mouth. His entire body tensed for the overload of sensations “Please… fuck. John. I….”

But then Shepard’s fingers were withdrawn only to be replaced by his own length easing inside of Kaidan with a painstakingly slow thrust that made the older man’s toes curl. Palms glided up along the Major’s sides until he was fully seated within. His back fell forwards as lips kissed between the older man’s shoulder blades. He shivered as he felt his lover adjust around him and then rolled his arms around as his hips slowly rocked out and back in.

Their two bodies began a slow steady rhythm as John’s forehead dropped against Kaidan’s shoulder; hot breath coasting over the sweat growing upon the biotic’s back. Eventually the younger man pulled his husband with him as they sat up. The blindfold was quickly discarded before Kaidan’s head rolled down so their mouths and tongues could meet within a ripe tango of hot breaths and struggled moans.

Kaidan’s head rolled backwards as the sheer exquisite pleasure of his husband’s cock thrusting up inside of him was almost too much for him to bear. Their skin glistened with sweat as Shepard’s fingers grasped the aching length between his lover’s legs.

_“Come for him…”_

The biotic soon enveloped them both in glowing blue light as he gasped for air. This intense feeling of his husband rocking beneath him entangled with the overabundance of love and desire they now shared in this very moment finally caused his whole body to burst at the seams. As he cried out, John felt Kaidan’s inner walls tighten and both men reached their peak simultaneously. The younger man quickly slipped his arms around his lover’s stomach as they convulsed through the rippling aftershocks and then sat there in silence as both their hearts and breaths gradually returned to normal.

Their marriage may not survive the week, but for tonight… they had each other and this perfect moment. Eventually John lifted Kaidan up and off his hips before reaching for a nearby towel to clean themselves up. With a lopsided grin on Shepard’s lips, they both soon slid under the covers and Kaidan’s head came to rest upon his husband’s shoulder.

They exchanged a pair of soft ‘I love yous’ as arms wrapped around each other. They both soon felt the inevitable pull of sleep overtake them with both of their bodies blanketed in warmth and love.


	39. It's Been a Good Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the wedding reception/wild apartment party yields some rather amusing results.

Kaidan felt his husband stir underneath him and groggily blinked his brown eyes open. He still didn’t want either of them to move, but it seems he didn’t have a choice.

“Ooof. What a night.” Shepard growled lowly with his hand rubbing out the sleep from his own eyes. His other arm pulled the Major a little closer to his chest with a smile. “But look who's here. Hey you…”

The older man returned the smile amidst messy curls and lifted his head. “Mmmm. Good morning.” He yawned before glancing around the bedroom a few times. “Wait… is it morning?

John slowly pushed himself to sit up before leaning down to give his lover a gentle kiss. “Pretty sure. I can already smell someone cooking eggs and bacon downstairs.” Fingers brushed some of the loose strands of hair from Kaidan’s forehead. “We should probably go see who all is awake, hmm?”

The biotic pouted a little as the Commander scooted out of bed, but he certainly didn’t mind the view of the younger man’s bare ass as he padded away into the bathroom. He chuckled slightly and lifted up his left hand to glance at his new wedding band; one of two silver rings that Thane had given to them. It wasn’t a dream. They were now John and Kaidan Alenko-Shepard.

“Hey Kaid, can you toss me a pair of sweatpants?”

Kaidan sighed with a small grin. He silently prayed that they’d have so many more mornings to enjoy simple moments like this. “Sure, John. Uh… in your bag?” He pulled the sheets back and slowly got up to his feet. He checked Shepard’s bag on top of the dresser and fished out the sweatpants from inside.

Just as he was about to turn around he felt a pair of strong arms wrap around his stomach and John’s soft lips kissing his neck just below the hairline. “I thought you wanted to go downstairs,” the Major murmured as he turned his head just enough to smile back.

“Yeah but then I saw my gorgeous husband standing there naked and I just couldn’t resist.” The Commander winked and smirked right before his face got smacked by the thick cloth of his sweatpants.

The Major wriggled his way out of the other man’s grasp while he was distracted. “We still have guests, Romeo. Now get dressed so you can go downstairs to be a good host.” He then grabbed his own bag to pull out a t-shirt and a pair of shorts.

Eventually they both ambled on downstairs and caught that it was James who was in the process of cooking some bacon and eggs on the stove. He was also dressed in a t-shirt and shorts as he turned the bacon over in a second frying pan. “Heeey Loco. Major. Coffee’s fresh if you want some.”

Ah yes. Coffee. The life blood of any marine. “Thanks.” The two men answered in unison and then chuckled before John stepped over to grab two cups from the cabinet. “Sleep ok, James?” A hot cup was slowly poured first for Kaidan and then himself in turn.

The Lieutenant scooped up the newest batch of scrambled eggs onto a nearby plate “Ooooh yeah. Slept just fine.” He glanced over towards the direction of the bar. “Hey Joker! You want any eggs, man?”

“I doubt Joker will want to eat anything for a few more hours, considering just how much he drank last night,” came Steve’s voice as he stepped into the kitchen already dressed in his full BDUs. Dark skinned fingers snagged a piece of already cooked bacon from the plate and snapped a bite. “Mmm. Smells great, James.”

Vega managed a small smirk while watching Cortez chew ever so slowly upon the cooked strip of pork. His head slowly turned and leaned in and giving the other man a rather slow yet passionate kiss on the lips. “Yeah? Tastes even better.”

John paused mid coffee sip with eyes growing wide as Kaidan just broke out in a soft laugh at the sight of all three of them. The older man set his coffee cup down for a moment and thumbed over to the downstairs bathroom. “Yeah so uh… I’ll be right back. I gotta use the can, anyways.”

Cortez and Vega quickly broke apart as if suddenly remembering that their superior officers were standing in the same room with them. “Yeah… sure Blue. There’ll be more coffee if you need some.” James’ tanned cheeks actually reddened just a bit as he turned back to the stove and cracked a few more eggs.

As the biotic reached the downstairs bathroom, he slid the door open about halfway before he heard the water going as someone else was already in the shower. “Whoops! I’ll find another bathroom.”

“Is that you, Kaidan?” The British lilt of Traynor’s voice came from behind the sounds of rushed droplets. “Could you be a dear and fetch me a towel? I forgot to grab one on my way in.”

The Major made sure to avert his eyes as he answered, “Sure. I’ll just be right back.” He turned and padded with bare feet into the bedroom next door to check the closet for a fresh set of towels. Just as he began to walk back out he caught a glimpse of small lump under the comforter as if someone was still asleep in the bed.

A lazy groan was heard under the covers before they rolled up and off to reveal a rather unclothed Liara dozing underneath. Now it was Kaidan’s turn to freeze in surprise as he was exposed to the asari’s bare back side pretty much all the way down to her thighs. Honey brown eyes darted between the bathroom and the bed a few more times than he probably should have before remembering his original task and just tip-toed back out.

“Ah thanks, Luv.” An arm reached out from behind the glass and snagged a towel as the water finally shut off. “By the way I found a perfect toothbrush for Shepard to get to replace my other one. I’ll send him the part number once we get back on the ship.”

“Ok sure. I’ll let him know for you.” He slowly slid the door closed with a sly smirk and turned to head upstairs instead.

By this point Jack, Jacob, Zaaed, Grunt and Miranda had also made it into the kitchen to snag some coffee and breakfast as well.

“’m sorry if I kept anyone awake last night with my snoring…” Zaeed growled and leaned against the back counter. “I go like a buzz saw since I got my nose broke.” He did eye the food on the counter and asked, “There any bacon left?”

James set up a few plates and then gave a wary glance over towards Grunt. “Uh I think he’ll want the rest of the bacon for himself.”

“Goddammit…” Zaeed grumbled and crossed him arms. “By the way, Shepard. Coffee pot’s safe. The turian talked me out‘ve it.”

Jacob poured a cup of coffee for Jack and then opened the fridge for himself. “What happened with the coffee pot?” he asked as he finally pulled out a small carton of milk.

John lifted his free hand and rolled his eyes. “Uh… let’s just say that having Garrus and Zaeed both drunk and in the same building can be hazardous to your health.” He peeked around as he pushed off the countertop. “Where is Garrus anyways?”

Miranda nodded towards the upstairs with a gentle smile as she sat down on a stool. “He was in the sitting room upstairs with Tali and Wrex last I saw.”

Both Samantha and Liara appeared a minute or so later… separately and fully dressed as Kaidan also returned back downstairs.

“Hey… there you are…” John grinned lopsidedly and handed his husband back his nearly forgotten coffee mug. He caught a whisper in his ear soon after as the Major leaned in close. Blue eyes soon found themselves glancing in both Liara’s and Samantha’s directions before he set his mug down and just burst out in the most boisterous laughing fit anyone had ever seen.

For most everyone present, they’d never even seen the Commander laugh at all, let alone to the point that the man was now nearly snorting with each breath.

“What?” Traynor suddenly looked like a deer in headlights as the rest of other the guests immediately turned to look at her. “What did I d-?” But then as she caught Kaidan just about grinning ear to ear she dropped her face deep within her hand. “Oh bloody hell…”

“What’s so funny?” Liara piped up as she slowly moved her own blue eyed gaze between the Specialist and the nearly choking Shepard standing there across the room.

Jack’s brown eyes flitted between Sam and Liara as she snorted over her own cup of coffee. “Is this apartment is just a huge fucking spring of horny gay energy or something? Was bad enough trying to sleep on the couch upstairs and having to hear both the husbandos and these two,” nodding to Steve and James “simultaneously going at it in separate bedrooms. Ugh!”

Leave it to Jack to always point out the obvious in her own special way. Soon Liara mirrored her new lover’s expression with her hand rubbing over her face.

Feeling just a cornered as the two women at that very moment, Vega cleared his throat as he turned the stove burners off. “Right, well I guess since no one else wants eggs I’m… just gonna go get dressed and head back to the Normandy.”

Shepard wiped his eyes and finally inhaled a few good deep breaths. “Good idea, Lieutenant.” Lips rose into a determined smile with a nod that soon followed. “We still have a galaxy to save and other people who are counting on us to finish this war.”

Kaidan smiled in return and elbowed his husband in the side playfully. “Well then I guess we’d better get back to it.”

John lightly rubbed his side in response. “Hey at least we threw one hell of a party.” But then his smile fell as his voice grew quiet. “Probably the last one.”

The Major huffed out a small chuckle. “John… you’ll find a way to win. I know it.” His eyes soon found the younger man’s as he murmured, “And when you do… I’ll be waiting.” A hand slid down with fingers tightly linking in-between the other man’s. “Yeah. The greatest challenge of my life, and the greatest reward. It’s been a good ride.”

Shepard slowly leaned his forehead in until it rested gently against Kaidan’s. Eyelids fluttered shut with a sigh of contentment as he whispered in return, “The best…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright this is the last Citadel DLC chapter. I couldn't resist adding in a few potential hookups as a result of their crazy night, though. Finally heading to the endgame of Mass Effect 3! Let's do it!


	40. Through the Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Normandy crew track down Cerberus to Cronos Station and learn more than they bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so from this point on we'll be gradually drifting even further away from game canon so that the overall narrative makes a bit more sense. Just giving you all a warning in advance!

The Normandy crew overall had grown very quiet as Joker brought the ship through the Horsehead nebula towards the coordinates that Miranda’s tracer provided. John wasn’t entirely sure they’d found the right system until the windows fully illuminated with the sight of the red supergiant star.

A small fleet with Hackett in command followed them through in the system as well and moved past with the intention to provide an adequate distraction so the Commander’s incursion team could sneak on board.

John squinted his eyes as he could barely catch the tiny black spot of the station amidst the massive celestial body “There it is…” pointing Joker in that direction. “What’s our status?”

The Flight Lieutenant tapped through a few orange screens in front of him and shook his head. “We’ve got a foothold, but it’s not much, Commander. Lots of fighters guarding the launch bays.”

The Commander glanced between EDI who was prepping her pistol and Moreau as he crossed his arms. “Can you get us in?”

Joker snorted as he looked over his shoulder to Shepard. “Hey, I got the Mako into a 20 meter crawlspace on Ilos. I can do this.” He sat back and smirked “Might be a bumpy ride, though.”

Shepard grinned right back to the other man with a confident nod. “Do what you can, Joker. I have faith.”

“Shepard, I am ready,” EDI finally spoke as she placed the pistol upon her hip.

Joker glanced upwards to EDI with worry immediately drawing upon his face. “What, what? Are you crazy?” He looked like he was about to stand right up out of his chair and grab EDI’s hand so she wouldn’t have to go along. “You can’t just go into Cerberus headquarters! They could have a virus, or a kill-switch or…”

“I will be fine, Jeff.” EDI instead just placed her hand gently upon the man’s shoulder in an attempt to calm his nerves.

John smiled gently at the motion, seeing first hand just how much Joker and EDI’s relationship had progressed. Maybe there really was hope for synthetics and organics to live symbiotically after all. Once her hand slowly fell away he spoke, “Head to the shuttle, EDI. I’ll meet you there.”

Moreau let out a deep sigh and turned his green eyes back to the screen. “Fifth fleet’s starting to cut through their line. They’re regrouping. Now’s a good a time as any.”

John stepped closer and glanced down to his pilot with sympathy in his features. “I know it hurts… not being able to go with her.”

Joker snorted once more and frowned, not able to even look his Commander in the eye at that moment. “Yeah, it sucks. Thanks for bringing that up.” Finally when the other man turned to head back out, he added, “Hey… Shepard? Please keep her safe.”

Shepard paused in the doorway and glanced back over his shoulder with a warm smile. “Same to you…” he answered with a small nod before stepping out towards the CIC.

\----------------------------

Kaidan had also insisted in coming along which only added even more worry onto the Commander’s conscience. Sure his husband could take care of himself, but it still didn’t stop that nagging feeling in his gut that something… anything could happen. This was why fraternization between soldiers has always been so frowned upon, but neither of them had regrets as to where they’d ended up.

Cortez crashed them through into the nearest shuttle bay and had to be left behind so he could make repairs for their escape. They managed to get through about a dozen Cerberus troops and a mech before they headed upstairs to interrupt an attempt to vent the hanger.

EDI suggested using an unmanned fighter to get through the back doors which led to fighting yet more troops and yet another mech.

“Shut the hostiles down before they reach the central lab!” A trooper was heard shouting from somewhere beyond the now gaping hole filled with flames that the back of the hanger.

EDI hacked the door and they mowed through another small onslaught of troops. The Major frowned heavily once they neared the next ladder and glanced back at the sheer amount of bodies they were leaving behind. “They’re getting a lot of their people killed trying to stop us.”

“They’re intention is to delay us, not stop us. Engineers are currently preparing an organized defense ahead.” EDI replied as she replaced the thermal clip in her SMG.

Shepard paused at the ladder with both of his brows lifting upwards in shock. “They can waste that many troops?”

“Yes.” The synthetic countered. “Cerberus employs Reaper augmentation on captured civilians to create functional shock troops quickly.”

Kaidan blinked and quickly shook his head with a long breath. “Like the civilians on Sanctuary. I thought they were just scared and looking to the Illusive Man for help. This is awful.”

“Agreed.” John answered and then lead the trio up the ladder and through to the next level.

As EDI crossed the room she brought up her omni tool in an attempt to open this new door blocking their continued route. “Shepard, that console has not been fully scrubbed. It contains data you may find… interesting.”

John squinted briefly as a gloved hand tapped through a couple of lit screens. “What exactly am I looking at, EDI?”

“Project Lazarus. Your reconstruction.”

The sight of a lone male Cerberus scientist speaking with a holo image of The Illusive Man was shown on the screen soon after.

“Sir, Shepard is clinically brain dead. After that much trauma, that long with no oxygen… We cannot overcome nature.” The scientist shook his head in defiance through the static of the screen recording.

“Operative Lawson disagrees. She is now in charge of Project Lazarus,” came the Illusive Man’s defiant retort.

John leaned forwards with his hands resting on the console after pausing the video. “I didn’t realize it was that bad…” he murmured with a slow shake of his head.

Kaidan took a couple of steps forward to get a better glance at the still images. “I thought you were just on life support. Clinically brain dead?”

Shepard swallowed loudly and looked down. “Looks like…”

The Major paused right behind his husband and placed a gentle hand upon his shoulder. “What was it like? I mean, if you remember or…” Okay probably not the best thing to say right now. He winced and just squeezed his hand slightly before murmuring. “How do you feel?”

The Commander’s own hands tightened on the console as his eyes fell closed. “I’m still me. I doubt I’d have been able to turn against Cerberus otherwise.” The usually strong baritone voice noticeably cracked as he continued. “I don’t remember anything. Maybe they just fixed me, or maybe I’m just a high-tech VI that thinks it’s Commander Shepard.” His breath shuttered. “But I don’t know. I…”

And that’s when Kaidan’s gloved hand lifted from his lover’s shoulder to gently turn the younger man’s chin around towards him. As blue eyes slowly reopened, he smiled and murmured, “You’re real enough for me…”

“We’re clear to proceed…” EDI interrupted as the door finally opened.

Shepard and Kaidan both sighed and stepped apart if only to grab their weapons so that they could further advance into the base.

The trio continued down the hallway with weapons drawn and crouched to watch for any more surprises. After making it through a few more security doors, they found their way into an extremely large and dimly lit room.

Kaidan’s eyes slowly widened as big as they could while his chin craned up to spot the remains of the human reaper hanging above them in various pieces. “What… is this thing?”

“This is the human proto-reaper Shepard destroyed,” EDI explained as they wandered closer to the stairs.

The Commander frowned with eyes darting all around at the various bits and pieces hanging from the ceiling. “What’s left of it. I’m surprised Cerberus recovered that much from the base.”

The Major quickly breathed and shook his head. “I… I wish I could’ve helped,” he whispered with regret tinging his voice.

Now it was John’s turn to comfort. Turning around and placing a hand upon his husband’s cheek. “You’re here now, Kaid. That’s what matters, okay?”

Kaidan softly smiled, but as he began to reach up to grasp the offered hand he caught an all too a familiar glint of metal from atop the stairs. He quickly pulled back and drew his rifle. “Phantom. Get back!” An Overload burst from his hand and dropped their opponent’s cloak before opening fire.

“Shit…” the Commander briskly turned and drew his own rifle as they were suddenly under attack by even more Cerberus troops. Luckily they were a relatively small group that were easy to fight though.

“Fighting through this thing makes my skin crawl,” the Major then piped up as they climbed up yet another couple of ladders. “It’s like we’re bugs crawling across a sleeping giant.”

Shepard chuckled faintly at his husband’s statement. “Hey at least it’s not trying to kill us this time.”

EDI next lead the trio them through a long passageway that gradually inclined upwards. Finally they reached the last doorway and pushed though into the central chamber. The room was like nothing any of them had seen before. Polished black tiles lined both the ceiling and floor with a single chair set up right in the middle in front of an array of screens. The Commander paused on top of a circular interface on the floor, no doubt how he’d communicated with the Illusive Man while he still worked for Cerberus.

The most prominent feature of the room was the sight of the red giant star just past the screens. It was both impressive and intimidating to look at, which no doubt was the Cerberus leader’s objective.

John slide down in the chair and pulled up a lighted keyboard as he began typing away to check each of the multiple screens for any clues.

“Shepard. You’re in my chair,” suddenly all too familiar voice spoke from somewhere behind him.

\----------------------------

Turns out Kai Leng was still at the base, and had snuck in to the room while Shepard tried to convince the Illusive Man that his plans to control the Reapers was a foolish one. Too bad, as usual, John’s words fell on deaf ears.

Just as the Prothean VI was explaining more details about the Catalyst… the screen shorted out with a sneering smile emerging from the darkness. “Not so fast.”

The Commander immediately turned in the direction of the voice and gritted his teeth. “You…”

“He did warn you not to overstay your welcome,” growled the assassin before his hand slammed down onto the floor, causing a section of the smooth tiles to burst.

EDI and Shepard kept the reinforcement Cerberus troops at bay with ease while Kaidan was more than able to handle the Phantoms. As much as the Leng himself kept jumping all over the place, he was never able get close enough to properly attack any of them. Eventually both EDI and the Major wore down his shields enough for John to properly shoot the man in the chest with his pistol and finish the job.

Or so he thought. The Commander sat back down in the chair to continue their efforts to get the Prothean VI back online. It wasn’t until he heard the faint sound of a sword lifting up from off the floor that he even thought to turn around.

Before John could even react he watched as Kaidan’s boot immediately make contact with the metal blade, shattering it into a dozen pieces. As the biotic spun around again, his hand picked up the very injured Cerberus agent right up off the floor by the throat and squinted his brown eyes extremely narrow.

“This… is for Thane. You fucking son of a bitch.”

The Major’s omni blade emerged from his opposite hand and popped straight up through the underside of the assassin’s jaw. Blood splattered all across his face but didn’t even seem to faze him as the blade cut upwards through Leng’s skull like butter. Only when the weapon was quickly pulled away did the biotic finally let go with the body flopping down onto the floor.

The Commander just stared at his husband in complete and utter shock for a few of seconds before he finally was able to put words together. “Kaid?”

The biotic just clicked his omni tool to close the blade and gave his lover a slow nod. “Yeah. I’m good,” he answered in an eerily similar tone to his response after shooting Udina during the Coup.

Shepard returned the nod and quietly turned back within the chair to pull the VI back online.

They now knew that Earth was to be their final destination.

But more importantly, Thane could finally be at peace… at last.

\----------------------------


	41. Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Alliance fleet heads for Earth, Kaidan takes a moment to pay his husband one last visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shifted the 'intimate scene' from before Cronos Station to the Earth attack since it tonally made more sense.
> 
> The song quoted throughout this Chapter is the last piece by Ursine Vulpine ft Annaca entitled 'Without You'. While it was obviously not intended to be written with the two characters in mind, the lyrics are so dead on as to what each of them is feeling right before the end of the game that I felt compelled to incorporate them into the narrative.
> 
> [A video for the song can be found here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyO1q52WLzw)

If the Normandy crew were uneasy before their trip to the Cerberus station, they were all even more apprehensive as they made the journey with the rest of the Alliance fleet towards the Sol system. Just about everyone was trying their damndest to stay focused and prepare the ship and fellow crew for possibly the biggest battle they’d ever encounter.

Shepard made his way around the ship to speak with each of his crew as he’d always done. He tried his best to maintain the same tranquil demeanor that they’d all come to expect when he came to visit. The last thing any of them needed to feel was doubt, and the Commander had always been their center to maintain an overall sense of serenity.

Kaidan was in the Observation Lounge when his husband came to speak with him. They shared a brief conversation about finally heading home to Earth before John smiled and then quietly headed back out. To most, it seemed like the younger man was keeping it altogether, but the Major knew better. He could see the conflict behind his lover’s eyes as if trying his hardest not to break down in tears or worse.

The biotic eventually resolved to snag the TM-88 whiskey bottle John had given to him during his stay at Huerta Memorial and two small tumbler glasses from the mess. As he walked towards the elevator, Kaidan paused at the memorial wall and glanced once more at Thane’s name. His ring finger rose and once more traced along Thane’s name on the plaque which caused the blue stone of his wedding band to sparkle within the white light above him. All that had happened between him and the drell assassin was so spontaneous that he’d barely had any time to process it all. What little time they did share, however, the Major would never regret for the rest of his life. Lips touched the plaque with a featherweight kiss as he whispered, “Goodbye Sere…” and then pulled away to enter the elevator.

\----------------------------

The cabin door wooshed open just as Kaidan stepped up to it, causing him to stop mid-step and stare straight into John’s tired blue eyes as he also stopped and offered a sheepish smile.

“I take it you can’t sleep either?” The biotic managed a small grin of his own, trying his best to not look awkward.

John slowly shook his head with a sigh and turned around. “No…” he replied with shoulders slumping down just a little bit more.

_If it's gonna get violent tonight_  
_Tell me you're gonna be alright_  
_You're gonna be_  
_It's an eye for an eye and I don't know if I_  
_Want you to fight, want you to fight_

The Major’s stubborn streak officially kicked in after that as he brushed past his lover into the room, waving around the unopened whiskey bottle as he went. “Making yourself crazy with this won’t help.”

Even though he was well aware by now of how stubborn Kaidan can be, John tried his best to protest, “Kaid… I need to-“

“Shhh,” the older man immediately interrupted. He wasn’t about to go anywhere just yet. “Just take 5 minutes. A quick drink. And then I’ll go.”

Shepard finally rolled his eyes with a small smirk and then set his datapad down on the desk with the pile of others he’d collected.

_I'm losing my mind_  
_Don't leave me behind_  
_We need a bit more time_

The Major cracked open the whiskey and then calmly poured a small amount into each glass. “John. You know that you’ve done everything you could, right?” His hand then held out both glasses, the farther one prepped for the Commander to take.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

“I hope so…” John murmured as his right hand reached to grab the tumble glass. “I keep running the numbers to see if I’ve missed something…”

The older man huffed out a small breath. “You don’t have to take this all on yourself.” Honey brown eyes watched as his husband snatched the TM-88 bottle from his other hand and then placed it upon the small table nearby. “Look to your crew… to the talented people fighting by your side.”

_You don't have to be the brave one every time_  
_I know you wanna make it right_  
_You wanna make_  
_It's a lie for a lie and I'm getting tired_  
_On the other side, on the other side_

They both sat down on the couch while Shepard dipped his head back for a quick sip of the warm liquid in his glass.

“What you’ve accomplished since the Reapers arrived is…” Kaidan shook his head as he took a deep breath. “it’s nothing short of amazing.” His own glass found its way to rest on the table before sitting back. “It’s… it’s gonna be… it’s gonna be what it is.”

_I'm losing my mind_  
_Don't leave me behind_  
_We need a bit more time_  
_Can you hear my cry?_  
_An old lullaby_  
_Drifting through the sky_

Eventually John set his own glass down next to the first… giving his lover a lopsided smile. “What are you thinking about right now?”

The Major’s hand lazily reached over and rested on top of John’s as he softly smiled back. “All the good times and the hard times.” He huffed out a gentle laugh. “I mean it’s been an unforgettable few years. Especially all the time we’ve been spending together lately. It’s just been so intense. Feels like an entire lifetime.”

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

John managed to snort a small laugh of his own as his hand turned to grasp Kaidan’s. “It does, doesn’t it?” His hand slightly squeezed. “You being here… with me? It means everything.” He leaned in and touched his husband’s cheek as their lips finally met in a tender kiss.

 _So won't you..._   
_Hold me now_  
_Hold me like I never did anything to hurt you_  
_Don't let go_  
_Give me another minute to lay here in your echo_

The Major grinned as their lips finally parted, his hand still resting upon his lover’s chin. “I lied. I didn’t come up here for a quick drink.” He closed his eyes for the briefest of moments and whispered, “I need you…”

The Commander had already suspected as much, but ended up smirking anyways as he pushed his husband back on the couch and then rolled up to sit on the older man’s lap. “Then take me…”

And Kaidan did exactly that. Hands snatched his husband’s cheeks and pulled him down to bring their mouths together once more. The cloth separating them was quickly dealt with as shirts were tugged up over each of their heads and thrown aside. The older man made a trail wet kisses all along the smooth skin in front of him as his arms rolled down to pull his husband’s legs up and around his waist. They both rose up with the biotic then carrying the other man with him towards the bed.

_'Cause I don't want the world to turn without you_  
_And I don't want the sun to burn without you_  
_Yeah, I don't want the world to turn without you_  
_And I don't want the sun to burn without you_

Boots and pants were discarded from both men in short order and then Kaidan just pushed his lover back on the bed with a lopsided smile that was absolutely dripping with carnal thirst. He landed on top of the younger man as desperate fingers and warm lips began to explore every inch of exposed skin they could find. Finally his teeth pulled Shepard’s briefs down just enough to expose his lover’s semi-rigid length. “Mmmm. You really are tense. I think we need to work on that…” Fingers lazily dragged the black fabric downwards along strong legs and then off before he slid back into place.

John gripped the sheets with each hand as he was soon fully exposed. His chest drew in a sharp breath once he felt Kaidan’s tongue roll around his navel and then continue a wet trail down past thick hair. The older man’s hot breath teased over the top of his cock, causing it to twitch ever so slightly against his hip. His legs were propped up soon after as his husband lay down in-between and drew a moist finger around his tight hole.

Kaidan’s warm lips kissed from Shepard’s perineum to his entrance and back before tugging each ball into his mouth to lightly suck and then release each with a soft pop. The Commander bucked his hips up with a loud hiss in response which was rewarded soon enough with the sensation of a moist tongue darting around his entrance and a finger pushing through.

“Fuck, Kaid!” He moaned and gripped the sheets even tighter. John hadn’t expected his lover to be willing to return such a favor with his mouth so soon, but he certainly didn’t complain even as a second finger joined the first and lips grazing along his now stiff member.

The Major pulled away just long enough to snatch the small bottle of lube from the bedside drawer and popped the cap open. The Commander then held his hand out for the bottle with pleading gaze “Let me?”

Kaidan just smiled and nodded while handing over the plastic bottle. He rolled over and laid back on the bed with his own cock already at attention between his legs. Shepard’s fingers were dabbed with a few small globs of gel before he wrapped them around his husband’s length and dragging them up and down at a languid pace. The biotic groaned and rocked his hips in sync with his lover’s hand as his head fell back. 

Soon enough, however, John’s hand was pulled away as he then climbed up and straddled his lover’s hips. He grabbed Kaidan’s cock and soon eased himself down, taking in his husband’s length gradually with a shutter in his chest. The Major bit his lower lip hard with hooded eyes and reached both hands up to rest on John’s hips. His knees rose up off the bed as they both soon settled in place.

Shepard smiled tenderly down to his husband as he adjusted with his hands resting just above Kaidan’s pelvis. He arched his back with hips rolling against the older man’s at a relaxed pace. The Major responded by gripping John’s hips and guiding him up and down with long strokes. He watched the exquisite man writhe on top of him with so much warmth in his chest that he never wanted it to end.

Eventually the Commander rolled forwards, gripping his husband’s hands and pulling them up over his head. Fingers tightly interlocked as their mouths met and began a series of almost bruising kisses with breathless moans in-between. Kaidan’s hips met with John’s as their increased deep thrusts brought them ever so close.

Soon Shepard sat back up and looked down to his lover with glazed over eyes and his chest covered with sweat “Come for me, Kaidan…” he whispered with blunt fingernails dragging against the downy hair of Kaidan’s stomach.

The biotic immediately sat up and wrapped his arms tight around his husband’s torso as he cried out with his release. John’s own form trembled soon after with a groan between gritted teeth and his orgasm erupting between their stomachs.

Both men stayed there wrapped in each other’s arms for what felt like an eternity before John was the first to slowly pull back and look down at his lover with fingers brushing a few wet curls from his forehead.

Kaidan leaned into the touch as his own hands dragged lazily up and down his lover’s drenched back. Catching a bit of concern in Shepard’s gaze he frowned just a touch and asked, “What’s up?”

The Commander’s hands then rested on the other man’s shoulders as he sighed. “Are we gonna make it, Kaid?”

The biotic carefully tugged his husband up and off his hips before laying down and turning on his side. “We’re ready. You’ve put the people together, the vision… and what you’ve done, John… is build hope.”

John scooted around to lay down facing his lover and gently brushed the Major’s cheek. “I’m glad I inspire that in you… but sometimes…” Seeing the sheer amount of love in those amber brown eyes then seemed to bolster his confidence. “You’re right. Give us hope and a fighting chance? Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves.”

The two men leaned in for a gentle kiss just as the ship’s com perked up with Joker’s voice on the other end.

“Bridge to Shepard. Admiral Hackett is ready to come aboard whenever you’re ready.”

Kaidan slowly closed his eyes at Joker’s impeccable timing and fell onto his back on the bed.

The Commander shook his head as well with a grin. “Tell him to give me 20 minutes, Joker, and then I’ll be right down.”

“Aye, aye,” and then the com went silent.

“That gives us just enough time to grab a shower…” John said as he forced himself up to his feet. A hand extended with a smile to his husband to help him up as well. “Shall we?”

The Major’s hand gripped the younger man’s and slid himself up to his feet as well. As he was led up the steps and into the cabin’s bathroom, Kaidan just had this sinking feeling that these would be their last few moments together. They ended up showering in silence with the older man simply basking in the simple memory what little time they may have left.

_I don't want to live a life without you_  
_I will watch the world burn without you_


	42. Somewhere But Not Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thane takes a moment to ponder his life as he sits and waits for a sign...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short Chapter, but the reasons for it will become apparent very soon I promise!

Thane’s thoughts lay in deep meditation even as he sat still at the base of the waterfall. Even the serene sounds of droplets behind him could not rouse him from the intense trance he had imposed upon himself.

In death, the assassin had found a calm in the fact that he no longer felt the excruciating pain due to his previous condition. He could finally take a deep breath without the constant tingles in his extremities. He could move as fast or slow as he wanted and not be in constant fear of falling unconscious from lack of oxygen.

The drell was more at peace than he’d been in years. He’d only felt such harmony three times in his existence before this.

The first time was when he first saw Irikah’s beautiful eyes shimmering within his scope. Such a brave creature who had somehow sensed where he was and let him know with once simple glance that she was not to be overlooked. Their relationship was a troubled one, but considering his occupation it was never going to be a perfect marriage. He now simply waited in this tranquil purgatory until he could finally reunite with her again across the sea.

The second time was with the birth of his son. There’s nothing ever quite as magical as having a child of your own. Thane had been completely honest when he told Kolyat that the boy was the only good thing he’d put into this world. He’d smiled with such pride when his son had conducted the prayer for Kalahira in his hospital room completely from memory. He knew that his child would find his own way with time and ultimately be a good person.

The third and final time was when his lips finally found Kaidan’s during their first kiss. He had always intended, first and foremost, to help the Major and his relationship with Shepard. He had not anticipated his own feelings to become such an obstacle. Yet when he felt Kaidan brush up along his back and whisper so gently with that warm breath of his against his skin, the assassin wanted in that sweet moment to be selfish and have the man all to himself.

Both sets of lids blinked as the drell drew his mind back into this space. He had become aware that he was to linger here until he was provided with one last task. Kalahira was a mysterious and patient mistress, and so he must comply with Her wishes and simply wait until She finally provided him with a sign.

His hands rose up, clasping in prayer as he began to whisper the same composed words that he’d heard so many times before…

“Kalahira, wash the sins from this one and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit.”

“Kalahira, this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention.”

“Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve. Guide this one, Kalahira, and he will be a companion to you as he was to me.”

His voice had barely finished uttering the last few words when he could hear the sounds of struggled footsteps coming closer. The water rippled all around him as he slowly lifted his gaze. Lips rose into the most gentle of smiles as he nodded towards the approaching figure and dropped his hands down to rest within his lap.

“It’s good to see you again, my friend…”


	43. Stand Fast. Stand Strong. Stand Together.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The entire fleet reaches the Sol system as the final battle for Earth begins...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some further dialogue and scenes that differ from the vanilla game from here on out will be due to Mods I used when making photos for this.

“Never before have so many some together… from all corners of the galaxy.”

Steven Hackett had always been a master at giving inspirational speeches. This was no exception. John smiled and stood at parade rest as the older man spoke through the coms to the entire assembled fleet.

Turians. Quarians. Geth. Salarians. Krogan. Asari. Humans. All those and more had put aside their differences and come to the Sol system to help end this war. As much as everyone kept pointing to Shepard for making this all possible, honestly it was the combined efforts of his entire crew who did this. While Hackett may have called him the ‘tip of the spear’ in one of their earlier talks, it was far more complex than that.

Ever since he’d first set foot on the SR-1 over 3 years ago, they’d all been set on this path to save the galaxy. The thousands of individuals in this fleet. The millions of others who had already been lost. The brave men and women now listed on the memorial wall on deck 3. They all had played some role in this grand effort to stop the Reapers.

And above all others, there was the Commander’s crew… past and present who had stood by his side through thick and thin. John smiled even wider as he glanced across the CIC to see Garrus, James, Tali, Liara, Steve, Samantha, Kaidan… and heck even Javik was there even though he was leaning up against the back wall scowling as he always did.

He absentmindedly twirled the wedding ring on his left hand behind his back just as his husband found his gaze. They smiled to each other, but Shepard could also see a hint of sorrow in the older man’s eyes. They had to win this. They just had to. Just one more push… and then they could all finally take a breath and relax.

“Stand fast. Stand strong. Stand together. Hackett out.”

The Admiral finished his speech and then called Shepard aside to speak with Anderson down on the surface. They went through the entire game plan and as the rest of the crew separated to suit up and do one last check of their weapons.

John appeared on the bridge some time later, standing in-between EDI and Joker as he gave the order for Sword to begin their attack. Joker flew the ship through the ensuing chaos like thread sliding through the head of a needle as they drew closer and closer to the Earth. Once they were finally within range for the Kodiak to safety depart, Shepard slowly turned with EDI to head for the elevator… only to hear the Flight Lieutenant’s voice behind him.

“Commander?”

He turned around in time to see that Moreau had stood up from his chair and whipped his and up into a firm salute.

“Good luck,” Joker said. Not with his usual ‘wisdom within wisecracks’ sort of tone, but instead with genuine respect and gratitude.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Shepard smiled warmly from beneath his helmet and extended his hand instead towards the other man a return. “You too, Joker.” They shook hands firmly before both men broke apart and John finally turned to head back through the CIC to the elevator.

After speaking with Joker once more on the view screen, the shuttle ride down to the surface was muted. Garrus was continually checking over his sniper rifle while Javik simply stared out the front window with a determined glare within all four eyes.

Soon enough a bright blue Reaper beam shot past the shuttle, taking out the other one just to their left.

“Dammit,” Cortez grunted as they got closer and closer to the ground. “That was the squad responsible for taking out that defense turret.”

The Commander stepped up to the window and looked out. “Who’s on it now?”

Steve shook his head quickly. “None in the vicinity. All either deployed or shot down.”

Shepard furrowed his brows as a frown came upon his features. “Drop us off, Cortez. We’ll take it from here.”

“Sir?”

“We have to take that this out before Hammer can land,” The Commander answered as matter-of-factly as possible.

The Lieutenant just shook his head once more “If you say so, Sir.”

The trio landed on the ground and right into an array of enemy troops.

Immediately Garrus slipped into place and sniped through most of the first wave while barely breaking a sweat… well if turians could sweat, anyways. John honestly didn’t feel bad about giving his best friend the last shot during their little challenge on the Citadel. Garrus was by far the better shot at long range while the Commander preferred a more direct approach with assault rifles and shotguns.

Javik wasn’t doing too badly either. He countered a few of the charging brutes with biotic attacks while John charged in and finished them off. They fought tooth and nail even as Cortez’s shuttle went down and even further when they finally found the heavy M-920 Cain lying amongst the rubble of the downed shuttle.

They braved even more Reaper mobs as a new Alliance shuttle arrived and the commanding voice of Major Coates was heard shouting through the door. “Get in! Hurry! We’re taking fire!”

Shepard rushed forth and jumped in, followed closely by Garrus and finally Javilk. “Get us out of here, Corporal!’ Coates exclaimed once the doors were finally closed. “You ok?” he then asked to the trio as they were able to take a much needed breath.

“I’m alive…” the Commander answered as he brushed some pieces of dead banshee off his chest plate.

“That you are, Commander.” And there he was. David Anderson in the flesh and luckily still in one piece. “Welcome back to Earth, Shepard.”

John smiled as he leaned in and gave the older man a quick bro hug. “It’s good to be back home.”

\----------------------------

“The fighting here’s been some of the worst on the planet. It looks bad, but there’s still hope.”

Shepard and Coates stood there from above the FOB looking out upon the young troops running to and fro to secure the area.

“And you’re here,” The Major continued and he glanced over to the other man. “It’ll do the troops good to see you. Bolster their resolve.”

The Commander pursed his lips with a small shake of his head. “I’m just a soldier like them.”

Coates chuckled with a sly grin. “You may see yourself like that, but they don’t. Like it or not, Commander, you’re a hero to these men and women. Don’t discount the effect that can have on them.”

Major Coates then set off for the command center, leaving Shepard there alone to ponder things for a moment. Among all of his goals in life, becoming a symbol of war was never on his radar. Hell the only real goal he had was to survive long enough to make some sort of difference in the galaxy and maybe retire to live out the rest of his days in some tucked away log cabin with a hunting dog.

Instead… here he was. Standing in a warzone in London, married, and with a squad of amazing people who would do anything for him. If he was going to be a symbol, he should at least give one last pep talk to each of his squad before they stormed forth in that final push.

John ran into Vega first. James seemed happier and much calmer now that he was seeing Cortez. Perhaps the shuttle pilot’s own demeanor was starting to rub off on him. Maybe he just didn’t want to completely freak out considering they almost lost Steve in that shuttle crash. Regardless they had a good talk and the Lieutenant was ready for anything at this point.

Shepard turned and then spied Kaidan across the way, hand in his earpiece as he was no doubt coordinating with Biotics Division who had made it down as well in another set of shuttles. He wasn’t looking forward to having this potentially last talk with his husband, but he knew it had to happen. He blew out a nervous breath and then wandered on over.

“Hey Kaid,” he said with a gentle smile as he drew close.

Kaidan slowly turned and offered up a warm smile of his own. “Hey... there you are…”

John could never grow tired of hearing his lover say those words, though he deeply wished that they’d be able to say them to each other many more times in the future. “You ready?”

The Major nodded briskly. “Oh absolutely. For anything. Bring it on.”

“And Biotics Division? Your students?”

The older man huffed a laugh. “More than ready. Eager. That's youth for you.” A shrug of his shoulders soon followed. “Guess we're the old soldiers now, eh?”

Old? Both of them were in their 30’s, but considering casualty rates within the galaxy lately it was probably a blessing that they were still alive and kicking. “Yeah. I guess we are,” the Commander finally responded in agreement.

“Brothers-in-arms. We know the score.” Kaidan’s smile slowly faltered as amber brown eyes looked down towards the ground. “We know this is goodbye…”

John took a breath with a gloved finger reaching over to gingerly lift his husband’s chin back up. “Hey… none of that, you hear me? When this is over, I'm gonna be waiting for you, so you'd better show up.”

The Major’s breath shuttered in his chest as he looked deep within those gentle blue eyes. “Don't get me wrong. I'm gonna fight like hell for the chance to hold you again.” He swallowed and pulled away from Shepard’s grasp. “Listen... there's... things I want to say. And looking back... I have a few regrets, but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right?”

The Commander smiled and silently nodded as they both soon turned to glance up at the tall buildings around them.

“Messed up kid that I was,” Kaidan continued with a wistful look on his features. “I never would have dreamed of the life I've had. I owe a lot of that to you, John.”

Shepard grinned faintly. “Since we first stepped off the ship onto Eden Prime all those years ago. Yeah like you said it’s been quite a ride.”

“It sure has.” The biotic nodded even they both gradually turned back to face each other. “How are you doing, really? Are you scared?”

John wasn’t scared of dying. Never had been. Hell he’d already died once. He was more terrified at the thought of leaving Kaidan behind to mourn him all over again. “Damn straight I'm scared. But that fear is gonna keep me alive long enough to strike these bastards right through the heart.”

Kaidan smiled proudly to his husband and Commander before he replied with, “Yeah. Exactly.”

The Commander’s brows wrinkled as more words formed in his mind. By staying there he would only be delaying the inevitable. After letting out a short breath he just turned and murmured “Take care, Major…” as he began to walk along into the building.

That’s when Shepard felt his hand being grabbed and his whole body drawn back. Their eyes met once more as lips soon touched with a kiss that was both so powerful and yet tender. The whole rest of the world seemed to disappear in that instant as Kaidan held him close.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Finally the Major pulled back just far enough for their foreheads to touch as he whispered, “I can’t lose you again…”

John’s eyelids fell closed as he fought back tears. Lips quivered ever so slightly before the two soldiers forced themselves to separate and he continued on once more into the building.

Kaidan simply glanced back up with a small laugh as he said, “Ya know? I've never been to London…”

Shepard could only smile wider as he moved through the inner door… reaching up to quickly wipe the still forming tears from his eyes.


	44. No Shepard Without Vakarian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard speaks with both Primarch Victus and Garrus on his way through the FOB.

“It’s a shame to see another planet get hit like this…” a turian solider mentioned from his seat as Shepard stepped through the door and into what looked to be the remains of an office break room.

Garrus gave a quick glare to the other soldier and exclaimed, “It’ll be the last one if I have anything to say about it. This nightmare ends today.” He then popped a new thermal clip inside his rifle and cocked it with mandibles rolling into the closest thing a turian could mimic of a determined scowl.

The Commander smiled with encouragement towards his old friend before his eyes caught yet another familiar face on the other side of the room. “Primarch Victus.” A brow lifted as he wandered closer. “I didn’t realize you were here.”

Victus nodded his head as he pushed himself away from a pair of damaged ovens bolstered into the wall. “I wanted to return the favor in person. Though I’m sorry to see that your world looks as bad as ours.”

Shepard nodded in thanks and crossed his arms across his chest. “How are things back on Palaven?”

“Urdnot Wrex was true to his word. The krogan put up a magnificent fight, fearless to the last soldier.” The Primarch then looked vaguely off to the side. “Even then… the Reapers were still too much. The only hope for my world now is a victory here on Earth.”

John frowned just a touch and adjusted his legs to put a bit more weight on his left foot. “I understand.” He blinked a couple times as the turian finally turned his gaze back towards him. “You know…. I never had the chance to talk with you about your son.”

Mandibles twitched as the Primarch’s voice suddenly grew very quiet. “Yes he… rectified an unfortunate mistake made within our past. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more open to you about it…”

The Commander’s hand rose up to cut the other soldier’s words off. “Your son honored the Victus name. He was a true hero. Always remember that.”

“Thank you, Commander,” Victus seemed to smile a bit at the sentiment. “Hearing that… means a great deal. I know I’m just one of many who have lost a son or daughter to war.”

And that’s when John returned the smile and stood up straight. “Well your son gave us a real chance at winning this one.”

The Primarch then seemed to portray more confidence in his posture. “Then our victory today is for those who won’t see their children again.” He gave the man a quick nod of gratitude and then leaned back against the ovens once more. “Good luck, Shepard.”

John gave Victus another courteous nod as well before turning to face Garrus and what looked like a platoon of a couple dozen turians standing at attention behind him.

“Platoon! Formation!” Garrus barked as each soldier then raised their rifle straight up into the air.

Something the Commander wasn‘t expecting, that’s for sure. He stood there wordlessly as he admired each and every rifle held up above their heads in his honor.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

“Commander Shepard,” Vakarian continued. “The ninth platoon of the turian hierarchy salutes you. Your courage, your grit, and your aim are an inspiration to us all. We're honored to know you, proud to have served alongside you, and damned glad you never became an accountant.”

Definitely a good thing as complex math was never one of John’s strong suits to begin with. He grinned lopsidedly even as the platoon drew their weapons back down and Garrus stepped closer to him.

“Shepard...” the turian began with a small grunt. “I guess this is...”

“…just like old times?” Shepard completed the all too familiar saying with a small snort.

Garrus huffed a laugh of his own and glanced around almost nervously. “Might be the last chance we get to say that.”

John smirked and crossed his arms once more over his chest. “What? You think we're gonna lose?”

“No. I think we're about to kick the Reapers back to whatever black hole they crawled out of. Then we're going to retire somewhere warm and tropical and love off the royalties from the vids.”

Retirement. Whether it’s a tropical spot or a log cabin. Either would be fine with the Commander at this point. “Yeah? Kaidan and I will meet you there, then. I think our days of saving the galaxy are over when this is all done.”

Garrus’ mandibles twitched as he leaned in even closer to almost whisper, “Yeah… about that.”

John’s brows furrowed as a frown grew upon his lips. “What’s wrong?”

The turian’s gaze dropped to his gun as he spoke. “When Alenko came back on board the Normandy, I pulled him aside to have a little chat about his attitude back on Horizon.”

Oh boy. Shepard let out a small sigh and brought gloved fingers up to pinch upon the bridge of his nose. “Go on…”

“Yes well, I sort of… told him that if he did anything to seriously hurt you again I’d kill him right there on the spot.”

John’s hand quickly fell as he then stared directly at his friend with wide eyes. Well that explains why the Major completely freaked out when things came to light about his relationship with Thane. “Kaidan may have seemed like he overreacted but he was justified in being upset. He had… a lot of conflicted emotions and thoughts. Honestly, if his and my roles had been reversed I probably would have reacted much the same way.” He breathed and closed his eyes tight for the briefest of moments before lifting a hand to his friend’s arm. “I appreciate the sentiment Garrus, but he and I are doing fine.”

Vakarian cleared his throat with a quick nod. “I know. I still wanted to apologize, regardless. And I seriously hope you two will get to enjoy a long, happy life together.”

“Thanks,” John answered with a warm smile. “Just need to beat the Reapers first to get there.”

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Garrus stepped back and glanced off through one of many shattered holes in the walls around them. “James told me there's an old saying here on Earth; ‘May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.’” His gaze then rolled back to face his old friend, “Not sure if turian heaven is the same as yours, but... if this thing goes sideways as we both end up there... meet me at the bar. I'm buying.”

The Commander’s faint scowl was apparent as he watched the turian shuffle between each foot nervously. “We're a team, Garrus. There's no Shepard without Vakarian, so you better remember to duck.”

Garrus grunted and shook his head lightly. “Sorry. Turians don't know how. But I'll find some way to improvise.” He then leaned in with his free hand reaching to grasp the man’s shoulder. “And John? Forgive the insubordination, but this old friend has an order for you. Go out there and give them hell. You were born to do this.”

That was the first and probably the last time Garrus had used his first name in all their years of serving together. John couldn’t help but smile tenderly as he then pulled the turian in for a bro hug. “Goodbye Garrus,” he murmured even as he finally pulled away. “And if I'm up there in that bar and you're not, I'll be looking down. I'll always have your back.”

The two friends nodded towards each other one last time before Shepard finally took a breath and continued on his way to step forth across the barricade.


	45. Today, We Win Our Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Commander continues on his route through the FOB, stopping along the way to talk with Liara, Wrex, and Javik.

After handling a brief shooting gallery of Reaper thugs on the barricade, Shepard finally made it into the second building. He spied not only the amount of wounded soldiers and civilians on some makeshift stretchers, but also Liara standing nearby scanning some of them with her omni tool.

“How are the casualties?” John asked as he stepped into the room.

The asari slowly shook her head with her face full of gloom. “We’ve lost people,” she murmured as her omni tool finally disconnected. “And some of wounded here won't make it.”

The Commander took a deep breath as his frown soon mirrored hers. “The Reapers are closing in. This is only gonna get worse.” His arms crossed as blue eyes glanced between each of the wounded in the room and then back to his friend. “How are you holding up, Liara?”

The young asari just seemed stunned at seeing all of the slaughter that Reapers could cause. Sure she’d seen combat with Shepard plenty of times, but it was always enemies who saw the brunt of the violence. She wasn’t used to… this. “This is it, isn't it?” she finally asked with her voice cracking from a mixture of stress and fear.

“Yeah…” John answered as he took a few steps closer to her. “This is it.”

Liara slowly looked down for a brief moment as she nearly whispered too quiet for the Commander to hear. “I did want… to apologize for one thing.”

That caused Shepard’s face to contort into vague surprise. Seems just about everyone from the SR-1 crew has a few things to come clean with him about. “What is it?”

“Remember back on Illium when I mentioned that I stole your body from the Shadow Broker then gave it to Cerberus?” The asari wrung her hands back and forth nervously as she just couldn’t seem to look him in the eye.

How could John forget? He knew Liara had a crush on him from nearly the very beginning, but hearing the lengths she’d gone to after his apparent death kinda creeped him out. “Yeah I remember. You already apologized to me for that, though.” He then nudged her arm a tad with his elbow. “Besides I wouldn’t be standing here now if you hadn’t.”

Liara hastily raised her gaze back up. “No, not that. I mean… the fact I never gave all of my intel on your resurrection to the Alliance. Perhaps I was… selfish. I don’t know. I do know that if I had, it may have avoided much of what happened between you and Major Alenko on Horizon.”

So Kaidan’s hostility that day was due to a mixture of the Alliance withholding information, Cerberus withholding information, and Liara withholding information. Now the other shoe had finally dropped. Shepard winced before both gloved hands rose up to run heavily through his short hair. “Fuck me…” was all he could say as he grit his teeth.

The asari blinked and took a step back as she’d never heard the Commander properly curse like that before. “I... don't know what to say. I just know I'll have a clever line 5 minutes from now.”

The Commander had to take a few deep breaths before he could even reply. This just added to his husband’s validity for being so damn pissed off at Cerberus and at him. “Okay…” One more deep breath and then his arms once again crossed over his chest. “You and Garrus both need to stop ‘protecting’ me, alright? Kaidan was an emotional wreck when he saw me there. If he’d simply known…” John grunted deep in his chest as he squeezed his eyes shut. “What’s done is done, but the person you really need to apologize to is him.”

“I will. If we survive this, I promise I will.” Liara smiled faintly and then placed a comforting hand on Shepard’s shoulder. “I do have one more thing for you, Shepard. A gift. It'll only take a moment, if… you want it.”

His eyelids briskly opened. “What kind of gift?”

“Do you remember when I first joined my consciousness to yours? I can show you some of my own memories. Asari exchange them sometimes with their friends, or the people they respect.” The doctor’s smile gradually blossomed. “It can also be a way to say farewell.”

Despite the admission that Liara had just given him, John simply couldn’t say no to such an invitation. He watched her in silence as she explained and then offered a slow nod. “Alright. In fact, I’d be honored.”

“Good.” Liara’s smile remained warm as she reached for both of John’s hands. “Close your eyes…”

Suddenly they were both in some sort of dark space with stars revolving around them both. As a bright light began to approach, Liara grabbed John’s arm and pulled him close. Her head soon fell onto his shoulder as they simply waited to be bathed in the warm glow.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Once they woke, Shepard blinked a couple of times as the asari finally pulled away whispering. “Thank you… for everything. Now, let’s go do what needs to be done, Shepard.”

John eventually left Liara behind to return her focus on the wounded and wandered it into a large room with two of the four walls completely blown out.

“When the rachni laid waste to the galaxy two thousand years ago, when all seemed lost and the end was near... one word delivered the killer blow!”

Wrex was delivering a rather impressive motivational speech to the krogan troops standing below in the remains of a courtyard. Shepard decided to stand back and smile wide as he listened. It was nice to finally see in person part of why Wrex had become such an effective leader.

“One word bear the monsters back to the abyss, and one word brought death to an enemy no one dared fight! That word was ‘krogan!’” The Urdnot leader’s fist rose up in the air. “And today the krogan rise again! Today we forge a new path and join the galaxy as allies in victory! Today, we win our future!”

Blue eyes peered down at the troops below as they all held up their weapons in a boisterous cheer. One krogan in particular Shepard immediately recognized holding up his left arm instead of his right. It had been a while since he, Mordin and Garrus found the Scout, Darg, in the hospital. He still remembered giving the krogan motivational speech of his own.

_“I can’t. The Weyrloc did things to me. Drugs. Injections. Said I was sacrificing for the good of all krogan. Experiments to cure the genophage. Everything’s blurry. Hard to think. Have to stay.”_

Darg was insistent on staying. Thinking that he could help Maelon’s experiments to cure the Genophage.

_“Why do you want them to keep doing the tests?”_

Shepard had been confused as to why a krogan would be curled up in a ball wallowing in his own self-pity like this.

_“This is my fault. I got caught. Wasn’t strong enough, not good enough. This is the best I can do. This is all I can do._

_“I’m not big enough to have a real shot with the females. I’ll never have kids of my own. But if I help undo the Genophage, then I mattered!”_

It took the Commander basically rebel rousing him to run back to camp while injured like a badass instead of sitting there whining like a quarian with a tummy-ache.

It was nice to see that Darg had come into his own and was now a part of Wrex’s squadron. Somewhere along the way he’d lost part of his right arm up to his elbow but that didn‘t seem to stop him from doing his part with the rest of his clan. If he made it through this, the krogan scout would most definitely have plenty of breeding requests once he returned to Tuchunka.

“Shepard, you did it.” Wrex’s voice lowered as he turned to face his old friend. “No matter what happens today, you united a galaxy. That's a victory right there.”

The Commander replied to the krogan’s kind words with a quick nod. “Thanks Wrex. See you on the battlefield.”

Javik stood a few feet away, looking out the large broken window at the large blue beam radiating from the sky to the ground beyond. The Prothean’s head turned as he heard Shepard wander closer. “Commander…” he acknowledged the man with a tone that could only be described as apprehension.

John looked past the fellow soldier to the beam and asked, “Was it this bad in your time?”

“Worse,” Javik answered with hands soon resting behind his back. “I have been listening to the krogan speak to his men.” His voice was low, not mocking in the slightest. He was genuinely concerned. “In our cycle, the races never came together. There was no rallying cry. I envy you.”

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

The Commander smirked faintly as his arms crossed once more. “Really? There's not much left out there,” nodding out at the endless sea of broken walls and rubble that was now most of downtown London.

The Prothean lifted his head toward the murky clouds partially hiding the rest of the beam, “The future is still out there. It is something my people could never say. There will be a tomorrow.”

“Only if we win today…” John responded with some doubt apparent in his voice.

Javik snorted with a small shake of his head. “No one else has ever made it this far.”

A lopsided grin appeared on Shepard’s face as arms fell down to his sides. “You came a long way, Javik. Further than anyone else here.”

“And I look forward to fulfilling my mission.” The fellow soldier finally turned to flash a look over his shoulder. “But you are now the avatar of this cycle. The exemplar of victory. Not just for humanity, or turians, or Protheans... but for all life. Every soul that has ever existed is watching this moment.”

And that’s what the Commander totally didn’t want to hear right now. More about how he was the ‘tip of the spear.’ His arms folded once more across his chest and huffed a small laugh. “Well... no pressure when you put it that way.”

Javik simply gave him a stern glare as he continued, “Do not waver. Victory is never won or lost without difficult choices.”

John knew that all too well. His thoughts soon drifted to both Ashley, Mordin and Legion in that moment. How much Ash had insisted on being left behind on Virmire so they could stop Saren’s krogan army. Even more when the salarian said that the only way to cure the Genophage was for him and only him to take the elevator up to the top of the Shroud. And then Legion who knew the only way for the geth to achieve free will was for him to join with them and give up his own life. All three brave souls who sacrificed themselves so that so many others could have a chance at living for yet another day.

Shepard’s jaw tightened as he let loose a quick breath through his nostrils. “I'll do whatever it takes. I didn't come this far just to back down.”

“A pity we did not know each other in my cycle.” Javik was quite honest in his assertion. The time and place for his usual scornful behavior was gone. “I know you will see this through for all of us... no matter the cost.” The Prothean then extended his hand, which Shepard immediately grasped and shook with pride.

Once their hands parted, John asked, “If we actually pull this off, what will you do afterwards?”

Javik leaned back with thoughtfulness on his features. “Since my birth, life's only pursuit has been war. I look forward to seeing what peace looks like.”

Shepard chuckled faintly. “Well, it is a big galaxy…”

“Perhaps I will write a book with the asar... with Dr. T'soni. She suggests ‘Journeys with the Prothean’.”

The Commander’s brows lifted as he motioned with one hand to Javik. “You’d do that?”

“I will need a job. There will be no Reapers left to kill,” the Prothean replied with a polite nod and then stood up straight. “Thank you, Commander... for letting the last voice of the Protheans speak. It has been… a privilege.”

John smiled warmly and nodded in return before he finally stepped away from the fellow soldier and headed up the ramp into the final debriefing room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I added an apology from Liara about her contribution (or lack thereof, depending on your point of view) to the Virmire Survivor's frustration on Horizon. In this case it happens to be Kaidan, but the same applies to Ashley if she's there instead. If she'd at least told Anderson about what she'd done, there would have been a whole lot less chaos for everyone involved. Liara has been proven to be manipulative, obsessive, somewhat naive and even a bit selfish to get what she wants. So yeah, I felt she needed to finally acknowledge that she could have handled Shepard's resurrection a bit better even if in the games she never does.


	46. Heroes Aren't Born, They're Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In 2178, David Anderson goes out to celebrate his promotion to Captain with some old friends at one of Vancouver's most popular bars. He simply didn't expect to run into the Hero of Akuze in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An Anderson-centered Chapter??? Oh, you betcha!
> 
> It's never properly stated how and when Shepard enters the N7 program, but it's estimated he/she joined soon after the big event stated in his/her background which would make Shepard around 23-24 and then completing the program a year or two before 2183 when the first game begins. 
> 
> Also the Guilt & Company in Vancouver is real and looks like a really fun bar to visit if you ever get the chance.

_Well what about Shepard? Earthborn... but no record of his family._

_Doesn't have one. He was raised on the streets. Learned to look out for himself._

_He saw his whole unit die on Akuze. He could have some serious emotional scars._

_Every soldier has scars. Shepard's a survivor._

_Is that the kind of person we want protecting the galaxy?_

_That's the only kind of person who can protect the galaxy._

_I'll make the call._

\----------------------------

David Anderson had almost forgotten what the cool, moist air of Vancouver felt like. It was nice to be back on Earth… at least for a little while. Alliance HQ had insisted that he come back planeside for his promotion ceremony, and it would have been improper to turn them down.

“Oh come on, David it’s only a couple of drinks!” Sergeant Jill Dah shouted from across the street. Her hand beckoned for Anderson to follow her and Corporal Indigo Lee to the bar.

They’d picked a live venue and bar ironically named _Guilt & Company_ which looked over Vancouver Harbour from back windows. A quaint brick building with bright lights and loud music already blaring inside. Red brick steps led down to the actual door to get in below the street. Jill & Indigo were leaning against the black gate in front as they waited for their friend to join them.

Anderson let out a breath and smiled as he eventually nodded and moved across the street to join them. They were all still in their military dress blues from the promotion ceremony and he was still getting used to the new rank bars they’d secured onto his shoulders.

“Alright, alright…” David’s hands came up as he finally reached his friends. Brown eyes glanced a bit more closely at the bar’s interior through the windows. There was a decent crowd but not completely full. He spotted a few Alliance uniforms in there so at least they could meld into the bodies of people already in there and not completely stand out. “A couple of drinks.”

Jill slapped Anderson’s back with a short laugh. “That’s the spirit… Captain.” Most people found Jill intimidating as a squarely built woman of 6’3”. She was commonly referred to as the ‘Amazon’ by a few other marines due to both her stature and tendency to not hold back about her opinions. To Anderson, she was simply a great friend who could be as loyal as she was savage.

The trio set forth down the steps and past the door bouncer to only find their ears completely overcome by the sheer cacophony of both loud music and various overlapping crowd conversations. They soon found a small round high top table not too far from the stage and eased into a set of black leather stools.

A jazz band made up of three salarian brass players, human guitarists & bassist, a krogan drummer, and an asari vocalist were currently performing some apparently original music that honestly wasn’t that bad. Then again from what Indigo was saying, _Guilt & Company_ seems to only book local acts who ‘can actually carry a tune in a bucket’.

The Sergeant managed to flag down a passing asari server to order drinks as Anderson leaned back until his shoulders calmly touched the brick wall behind him. Most everyone seemed to be having a good time in here, though he did spy a couple of patrons who appeared to be somewhat distressed either by the music or the crowds or perhaps both.

A young Private was seated with a slightly older Lieutenant a couple of tables over. They were both dressed in their blue BDUs. The Private was laughing and cheering at the band as he drank heavily from his beer bottle. The Lieutenant, instead, had his eyes lowered with a distinctly pained expression as if the loud music was causing him serious discomfort. His hands curled tightly around a tumbler glass half filled with what appeared to be whiskey. The two men appeared to be sitting together out of necessity rather than actually enjoying each other’s company.

The other figure Anderson managed to find was sitting at the bar alone with a wide berth. An odd configuration, to be sure considering the overall liveliness of the place. The man was also wearing Alliance BDUs while nursing some type of strong drink. A drink that soon tuned out to be vodka as the man soon waved the bartender over and motioned for her to simply leave the whole bottle there next him.

As the server returned with their drinks, the Captain leaned forwards and asked, “Any idea who that is sitting over there?” His head motioned towards the bar.

“Oh that’s…” she thought for a quick moment as each glass was set down, “Shephold? Sheplock? Anyways they say he lost his whole unit in some colony battle about 6 months back. He comes in just about every night and just sits there… drinking until we close.”

Indigo snatched his glass with surprise contorting his features. “Wait, so you mean to say -that- is Lieutenant John Shepard?” The Corporal quickly swerved his gaze from Shepard to Anderson. “That’s the survivor from Akuze. The reports say fifty marines were lost to a thresher maw attack. Only one soldier made it out.” He nodded towards Shepard once more. “That guy.”

Jill, for all her tough exterior, had ordered a strawberry daiquiri for her choice of beverage. After bringing the noticeably pink drink to her lips she snorted and sat back. “Rumors are circulating that he hid like a coward while the rest of the platoon was slaughtered. May explain why he’s drowning in booze over there night after night.”

“Hell if I know, sweetie. I just stay out of his way.” The server chuckled and left a few small napkins along with a folded menu on the table. “Let me know if you guys want refills or some snacks to go with the drinks, k?” She then sauntered off to check on the rest of her tables just as the jazz band ceased their performance.

Anderson slowly rubbed his chin in thought for a few moments. He watched the fellow soldier’s all too familiar shoulder slump curiously before he finally responded. “I sincerely doubt he’s a coward, Dah. Remember how you were after Sidon?”

“Yeah but I got shot in the fucking leg. Folks say Shepard didn’t have a scratch on him,” Dah retorted with a narrow gaze towards her friend.

Indigo shook his head quickly after a quick sip of beer, “Nope. I saw copies of the medical reports. He got shot in the gut along with some minor burns. Don’t even get me started on the emotional scars he probably has, too.”

David shook his own head as well. “Being a soldier means we will inevitably receive scars of many shapes and sizes, Corporal. Not all of them are visible to the naked eye, either.” His thick fingers reached for his own glass as he gradually brought it up to his lips. “The kid’s obviously been through a lot.”

Just as Anderson uttered that last sentence, the three of them heard some shouting coming from across the bar. A couple of men dressed in civilian business casual attire had walked up to Shepard with notable intent to get a rise out of him.

“Hey! Shep-hard! I’m talkin’ to you, asshole!” The taller man’s voice and probably horrible breath was almost directly in John’s face.

“Maybe he’s too drunk to answer you, eh?” The second man snickered as arms crossed slowly over his chest. “I mean I’d kill my liver too if I was such a fucking coward, right?”

The Sergeant squinted at the two men and grumbled, “This is gonna get ugly.” Jill cracked each of her knuckles in turn while lips upturned into a smile. “And you guys thought we wouldn’t have any fun tonight.” She slid down from the stool to her feet and began a casual weave past a few tables. 

Shepard remained almost perfectly still upon his stool as the two men continued shouting and laughing at his expense. Blue eyes focused on the glass in front of him with his breathing as steady as possible. When he did speak, his baritone voice was low and determined. “How about I suggest that both of you gentleman properly fuck off?”

The shorter man, obviously feeling the effects of whatever liquor he’d consumed earlier in the evening, only felt more motivated after that little threat. “Oooooh the Chicken of Akuze is gonna threaten me, eh? You know the Alliance isn’t too keen on desertion, asshole.”

“Hey. Dickhead. The Lieutenant said to ‘fuck off’. I suggest you do as he says.”

Soon both men turned to see exactly whom had made that statement. Both sets of eyes went wide as they both gazed upon the 6’3” brunette built like a brick house and who could probably put both of them in the hospital given half a chance.

The slightly taller assailant was as easily swayed as his friend. “You know I wouldn’t normally punch a girl, but him?” The back of his hand swatted against Shepard’s tricep as if to make a point. The next thing he knew, that same hand and arm attached to it was within John’s own grasp as he was flipped off his feet and on top of the bar in exactly 2 seconds.

The entire bar went deathly silent as both the Lieutenant’s glass and the vodka bottle broke in turn with the impact. A muscled bicep was pulled up to the drunken man’s throat as determined eyes hovered above him. “If you value walking out of here tonight with your testicles intact, I suggest that both you and your friend leave me alone.”

“Yeah… sure…” the now pinned down figure barely choked beneath the strong arm keeping him firmly in place.

Dah simply stood back with a shit eating grin reaching her face. This kid most certainly didn’t need her help. That was abundantly clear.

Eventually Shepard allowed the two men to make a quick exit before waving the bartender over “Sorry…” he softly murmured and offered his credit chit to pay for both the bottle and the broken tumbler glass. Afterwards the man tucked the chit back into his pocket with a turn and made a beeline for the door himself.

Once outside, John climbed up the steps two at a time and then paused to lean against the fence. The cold air touched his skin as goosebumps rose along his arms. He hadn’t even brought a jacket tonight, despite the temperature dropping to around 5 degrees Celsius. Eyelids slowly closed as his ears took in the calm sounds of the night.

“Lieutenant Shepard?” The words from a deep voice woke him up from the brief meditation he’d fallen into. Once he turned, Shepard spied a dark skinned man wearing a Captain’s dress uniform standing at the top of the stars. A hand raised as if indicating he was not intent on causing a second fight for the evening. “I just want to speak with you, if that’s alright.”

With a faint shrug and nod, the younger man simply waited in silence for whatever the Captain had to say.

“Com…” David caught himself as he was still getting used to the new rank he’d been awarded only a few hours prior. “Captain David Anderson. I’m aware of your involvement with Akuze, son. I also know that despite what those men said, you are anything but a coward.”

“Yeah…” John swallowed with his gaze wandering off towards the Harbour. “Well people can believe whatever they want. I honestly stopped caring as soon as I got back to Earth.”

Anderson watched the other man silently, as if sizing him up even more before finally taking a couple of steps forwards. “No, I think you do care. The incident back there already proves that.” He released a long breath before continuing, “I actually… I have a proposition for you. One that I really think you should consider.”

“If you’re suggesting I go to counseling or some other crap, then that’s a hard pass, Captain. I already went through two months of psych evals. I’m done having some damned shrink tell me that I’m secretly in love with a mother I’ve never even met.”

The Captain couldn’t help but chuckle at that. It’s a wonder that Freudian psychology was still even considered in the 22nd century. “No. Actually I want to offer you an invitation to join the N7 program. Instead of staring at Rorschach ink blot tests in some stuffy office, you can instead learn to utilize your skills in Spec Ops for use in the field. Sound fair?”

“Why me? You don’t even know me.” The Lieutenant frowned deeply with his gaze finally turning back from the water to the other man.

“I can see the man you want to be, Shepard. A man who wants to put things like Akuze behind him, but can’t without the proper motivation. You have a hero’s spark.” David tapped his temple as his smile grew. “But that spark is only the beginning. You just need the military training to go along with it. You can make a difference in this galaxy.”

John seemed to consider Anderson’s petition for a good while despite how cold he was still feeling. Finally with pursed lips he offered a slow nod. “I’ll do it on one condition. You can’t ever say ‘I told you so’ if I do… make a difference in the galaxy.”

Anderson snorted and extended a hand. “I think that’s more than fair, Lieutenant.”

Shepard took the hand with a firm shake and small smile. “For now though I better get back to the barracks before I freeze out here.”

Inside, Jill and Indigo simply clinked glasses upon seeing the two men clasp hands. “You owe me 20 credits, Sergeant,” the latter commented with an accompanying chuckle.

“Oh fine. I’ll gladly pay you this time.” Jill smirked over the lip of her daiquiri glass. “That kid’s special. I can feel it. Just wait and see.”

“Special? Just seems like a jerk to me,” came a husky voice off to their right. Brown eyes looked back at them as the Lieutenant at the other table had spoken up.

The Private slapped his compatriot on the shoulder. “Geez, Alenko. I think you need more whiskey. Also it’s not really fair to judge someone you haven’t even seen for more than 10 minutes,” he said with that still bouncy demeanor that was a complete 180 from his superior officer.

“Mmmm. Maybe you’re right, Jenkins.” The other man couldn’t help but roll his eyes with a warm grin. “Maybe you’re right…”

\----------------------------


	47. Forgiveness Between Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Battalion Leaders gather around Admiral Anderson to discuss strategy, the rest of Shepard's squad converse about more personal matters.

“We fought hard to get here. But now the toughest part of our mission begins. We've got to drive right through the heart of Reaper-controlled territory, break through their defenses, and get to that beam.”

Admiral Anderson had pulled all of the Battalion Leaders to stand around a small table with holographic projections of the city, the beam, and Earth with its various city reports.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Major Coats was standing just to the left of the Admiral and then both Tali and John to the left of him as they all discussed plans on how Hammer would rush for the beam.

Kaidan, Liara, Garrus James, and Javik were all standing against the wall near the entrance… barely able to hear what the others were discussing. They all already knew things were only going to get worse as they got closer and closer to the endgame.

The biotic’s concerned gaze was squarely focused on Shepard as he overheard Anderson mention that this would be a ‘one-way trip for many’. His chest rose and fell with the deepest breath he could muster. It had been ages since he’d first seen Shepard in that Vancouver bar. Little did Kaidan know then that this man would eventually become his commander, friend, lover, and husband. His right hand faintly ran across his left, feeling the wedding band in place underneath his glove. Both men had been through so much shit at this point, and Reapers be damned if they were going to be separated again.

“Kaidan… could I… speak with you a quick moment?”

The Major’s deep thoughts were soon interrupted by Liara’s soft words. His head carefully inclined towards the asari with a raised brow citing his curiosity.

Dr. T’Soni’s face had visible hesitation upon it as she kept her voice low “Since there’s no guarantee that we’ll all make it through all of this I just wanted to say… I’m sorry for contributing to your pain.”

“Pain?” Now Kaidan was really confused. “What are you talking about, Liara?”

She wrung hands together in front of her waist as she spoke further. “I was the one who told Cerberus where to find the Commander’s body on Alchera.” Her rich blue eyes dropped down to look straight at the floor. “I didn’t tell the rest of you, and in retrospect that was mistake.”

Whiskey brown eyes squinted extremely narrow. “Wait. You knew what Cerberus was doing all that time? Do you even realize how much… how long I grieved…?” Both of his hands curled into tight fists as his entire form began shimmering in blue light.

“Whoa. Hey. Blue. You alright?” James had immediately caught on to the fact that Alenko was suddenly glowing.

Liara’s eyes shot back up at the suddenly biotic glow emanating from the man. “Kaidan I… ” Her hands rose up in a motion of parley. “I know I can never fully make it up to you, but he’s here now and…”

The glow continued to build until the Major felt a large hand touch his shoulder. “Let it go, Alenko,” came the graveled voice of Garrus as the hand squeezed just enough to pull the man out of whatever tunnel visioned rage was building inside his gut.

Javik simply smirked at the fellow biotic’s outburst but otherwise remained quiet.

Kaidan’s demeanor shifted from fury to mild within a few more seconds as the barrier dissipated. He hadn’t gotten this bad since Jump Zero when Vyrnnus goaded him. Ironic that one turian had sparked his anger and now another was telling him to extinguish it. Garrus was right, though. This wasn’t the time to hold grudges. He offered his friend an abrupt nod and weak smile before leaning back once more against the wall.

As Vakarian’s hand fell away, a long look was given to both Liara and Kaidan as he stated, “We’ve all done some pretty damned stupid things in recent memory…”

“A human who lived in this very city once said, ‘Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.’” Javik interrupted to perhaps reinforce what the turian was saying. Arms fell behind his back as he smirked once more. “I have found this… Oscar Wilde to be a rather amusing figure. I think he and I could have shared some very interesting conversations…”

James rapidly blinked at the Prothean. Probably surprised more than anything that he’d even read any human literature at all. “Uh… I hope you have a point in there somewhere…”

Javik grunted softly as he eyed the Lieutenant. “The point, as you say, is that while your actions may seem ridiculous now, you each had the best of intentions at the time. To learn and accept each other’s purpose will help in finding forgiveness.” His gaze then shifted to Liara. “Isn’t that right, Dr. T’Soni?”

It was the asari’s turn to blink in surprise at Javik before offering him an understanding nod. “Yes… you’re quite right. Thank you.”

Kaidan huffed a chuckle of his own as he shook his head. Who knew that the grousy Prothean symbol of vengeance would suddenly be schooling the rest of them about compassion and acceptance? He was about to offer his own remark when he overheard Anderson’s words from across the room.

“I'll give you a minute with your squad. Pick your team well…” Anderson said while offering Shepard a quick pat on the shoulder. He stepped past the younger man and then made a curt nod towards the rest of them while moving for the exit.

John moved behind the table, lost in thought as he waited for all seven of his compatriots to step closer. As he slowly lifted his eyes, he observed the somewhat troubled look upon his husband’s face. His lips lifted up to give the older man a warm smile and quick wink before addressing the entire room.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

“This war's brought us pain and suffering and loss. But it's also brought us together--as soldiers, allies, friends.” The Commander slowly paced back and forth as he continued. “This bond that ties us together is something the Reapers will never understand. It's more powerful than any weapon, stronger than any ship. It can't be taken or destroyed.”

Liara and Kaidan both turned to look at each other as Shepard said those words. No matter what had happened in the past, they’d all been through a lot. The Major took a breath and then smiled with a nod to the asari standing next to him. They’d get through this… one way or another.

John casually moved around the table and looked to each of his companions. “The next few hours will decide the fate of everyone in the galaxy. Every mother. Every son. Every unborn child.” He glided down the middle of the group with his hands pulling behind his back. “They're trusting you... depending on you to win them their future. A future free from the threat of the Reapers.”

Finally, Shepard came around to glance out towards the bright blue beam still shown on the horizon beyond. “It’s been an exhausting time for all of us. I won’t lie. I’m just as tired of fighting them as you are. But take heart. The final push is right there…” He pointed out towards the beam with a determined look. “We just have a little bit further to go.”

The Commander turned once more to face his squad with a grin. “But remember… you're not in this fight alone. We face our enemy together, and together we will defeat them.”

Kaidan couldn’t help but react to his lover’s speech with his shoulders at attention and his head held high. If there was anyone who was capable of bringing such a ragtag bunch together for a cause, it was John Shepard.

Shepard then pointed to both Kaidan and James. “You two… with me. The rest of you? Report to your posts.” A nod was given to each of his squad in turn with a murmured, “Good luck…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so am I the only one who could see Javik and Oscar Wilde being total BFFs? Let me know in the comments!


	48. From Ashes and Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final push to the beam has begun...

“All Hammer squads. Forward assault. No retreat!”

Anderson’s voice boomed on the coms as John. Kaidan and James drew their weapons and stood atop the ledge leading down into No Man’s Land. While looking around, the two lovers’ eyes soon met. A gaze reminiscent of the one they’d shared months ago when the Normandy left Anderson behind in Vancouver. Two gloved hands came together just as Kaidan gave the softest of smiles to his husband. John squeezed the hand held in his with his own smile and then released it with a forced breath.

“Let’s go…” Shepard finally said as he jumped down off the ledge with assault rifle held firm.

\----------------------------

The sheer amount of broken bodies scattered among the debris was enough to give anyone nightmares. For Shepard, the sight brought forth a plethora of the memories.

A memory of when he was 17 in the Reds. They’d been watching a rival gang’s hideout. Finch had even said it was just a routine check. But then as they went in, a few of the others ran on ahead. The next thing John had heard was loud gunfire and screams before he ran down the hall. His gaze then caught at least two dozen bodies lain in a cluster and completely covered in blood.

Another flash in his mind of Akuze and the sheer destruction those thresher maws had caused. The soldiers that the worms hadn’t outright grabbed were all over the street. Some of the bodies were still intact while others had various appendages ripped from their broken bodies. Shepard’s whole body had shook violently as he cried out into the night sky… wondering why he’d been spared from his comrade’s fate.

The images of all those mangled corpses on the Collector ship as he, Samara and Thane skirted through on their path to find the data. He hadn’t even wanted to think about the bodies hidden in all those other pods lining the walls and ceiling. Knowing later what those pods were for just made the Commander’s stomach feel even sicker.

The array of quarian and geth bodies on Rannoch as he, Tali and Kaidan ran along to deal with the jamming tower. When they found Dorn amongst the bodies… severely injured and gasping for air on the very world they’d been fighting for so long to reclaim, it was enough to bring a lump to his throat. When Tali stood up and murmured, “Rest well, Dorn’Hazt vas Rannoch…” it had made all three of them all more determined to continue their mission.

And here now was another memory that would be burned within John’s brain for the rest of his life. Human. Turian. Asari. Krogan. Batarian. Some of them had been turned into Reaper forces. Others had been spared that fate only to join the realms of the dead while fighting them. The only saving grace was that all of these bodies had not been dead long enough for the smell to kick in just yet.

The trio soon took off at a brisk run with weapons ready. Despite all they saw, Shepard forced himself to remain focused as he led the other two men through multiple waves of Reaper enemies.

“Damned if this isn‘t a kill zone!” James barked as he shot a brute down with his shotgun.

Kaidan couldn’t help but silently agree with the Lieutenant’s rather astute observation. The more they fought… the more the Reapers just kept tossing their way. His head was already throbbing from using his biotics and legs would undoubtedly be sore the next day with all the running they were doing… but he couldn’t give up. Not when they were so close now.

“Just keep your eyes sharp on our perimeter and don’t let up!” the Commander responded as he stabbed a nearby husk with his omni blade. Arms began to ache as he switched from one gun to another to deal with each enemy that crossed their path.

They wove through multiple buildings with various amounts of cover to avoid the endless supply of adversaries. A luxury apartment. A coffee shop. Even a library had not been spared from the Reapers’ wrath. John had never set foot in a proper library before that moment, and seeing all those beautiful books splayed out in various states of disarray caused him to feel even more somber.

“Incursion team. What’s your status?” Admiral Hackett’s voice pulled Shepard out of his momentary deep thoughts as they rounded the corner and stepped down the ramp.

“We’re getting there. Everything okay in your end?”

“We’re doing well, Commander,” the Admiral answered in John’s ear. “We’re hitting the enemy hard and inflicting damage. I’m pleased to say that our order of battle was the correct strategy. Now let’s just stick to it.”

Shepard nodded out of habit despite knowing full well that Hackett couldn’t see what he was doing from thousands of kilometres up. “We’ll get it done,” he finally announced as he reloaded another thermal clip in his assault rifle.

Finally they reached the area with the Thannix cannons and even more Reaper forces to take out. Once their feet hit the pavement, the ground began to shake just as Major Coates’ voice was heard.

“Commander. Do you read me?”

John grunted hard as he shot right at a marauder stupid enough to charge towards him. “Major? What’s your status?”

“The beam’s interfering with missile guidance,” the deep British voice answered. “We can hit the destroyer, but we’ll never make the precision strike we need to take it out.”

Great. Just great.

“Dammit…” Shepard murmured under his breath as he shot a quick glance to the giant machine looming in the distance. “EDI. Can you read me?”

“Yes, Commander,” the ship’s AI replied.

“Any suggestions?”

“I may be able to use the Normandy’s systems to enhance the missiles’ targeting capabilities,” she responded again as the three of them huddled around the vehicle.

Kaidan nodded in agreement that EDI’s idea was a good plan as James clicked his tongue. “A good a plan as any, Loco,” the latter man quipped.

John smirked before speaking once more into his com. “Excellent. Make it happen, EDI.”

Unfortunately despite EDI’s efforts, the first set of missiles curved around the giant Reaper and they were forced to use the second set to finally take the thing down. The explosion as it went down was no doubt one of the most satisfying things any of them had ever seen.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

“Hell yeah!” James shouted once the smoke cleared and Kaidan brought up his omni tool to confirm that the destroyer was completely eradicated. Now their target was only a few short kilometres away.

As the Alliance tanks rumbled into view on top of the rocky debris, John let out a small sigh of relief.

It was finally time to end this…

\----------------------------

“Hammer squads! Go go go!”

Another boisterous command from Anderson was heard within everyone’s earpieces as they all took off for the beam.

“FACE YOUR ANNHILATION.” Shepard’s entire body all but shook with those words emitting from the looming form of Harbinger in the distance. Clenching his teeth, he continued to sprint as hard as he could despite the taunts from the enormous metal beast and the red beams it was throwing in their direction.

John could barely see Anderson running past him just as a tank upturned and he was barely able to slide underneath it. With a quick glance over his shoulder, blue eyes caught both James and Kaidan running up behind him.

“STOP SHEPARD!” was Harbinger’s next taunt as a beam uprooted another tank and flipped it right towards his two companions. James jumped right as Kaidan went left as the vehicle landed in-between. As the tank exploded, a wheel managed to pop loose and bounce directly upon Kaidan’s right leg.

“Fuck!” the Major managed to shout in pain even as his husband rushed over to pull him back up to his feet. The three of them ducked down next to the first tank as Shepard turned to look skywards.

“Normandy do you copy? I need an evac! Right now!”

No. That was the last thing Kaidan wanted. Even as the pain in his leg kept him down, he was determined to fight on. He sat there like a stubborn sack of potatoes as the ship flew down into view until John compelled him to stand and limp towards the docking ramp.

“Here… take him.” the Commander said to James as he handed the Major over.

The biotic was too weak to fight the handoff as the Lieutenant pulled an arm around his shoulders. “John!”

John quickly shook his head and frowned from the bottom of the docking ramp. “You’ve gotta get out of here.”

“Yeah. That's not gonna happen,” Kaidan countered as he tried weakly to pull himself free from Vega’s grasp.

Shepard’s frown only deepened as he gave his lover a determined stare. “Dammit. Don't argue with me, Kaidan!”

That retort caused the Major to visibly wince as he finally fell slack against Vega’s side. “Please John. Don't leave me behind…”

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

“No matter what happens…” John walked up the ramp, closing the gap between them as his hand reached out. “Know that I love you.” Gloved fingertips touched his husband’s cheek with a thumb softly brushing away a stray tear. “Always…”

Kaidan’s heart swelled as their eyes met and his own free hand rose up to wrap around. A struggled breath passed his lips as his cheek leaned against the strong hand. “I love you too…” He felt those same fingers brush across his lips as they parted. “Be careful…” he whispered as his arm remained outstretched.

A flood of conflicted emotions on John’s own face as he stepped back. He knew he had to continue on despite his husband’s protests. His own arm motioned for them to retreat as he shouted, “Go!” and then turned to renew his pursuit towards the beam with the remaining soldiers.

Both Kaidan and James watched as the Commander’s form grew smaller and smaller as the former’s hand eventually fell down to his side. The Major’s expression grew with sorrow as he came to the realization that he may never see the man he loved ever again. Vega’s own face soon mirrored the Major’s as he mentally came to the exact same conclusion.

“We gotta go!” Joker exclaimed on the com as the ship lifted off the ground and the two exhausted soldiers turned to head on up the ramp in mutual silence…


	49. Remember Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In 2185 as the Normandy SR-2 approaches the Omega 4 Relay, Thane goes to visit Shepard in his cabin.

Two hours.

Joker had announced to the whole ship that they would make it to the Omega 4 Relay in two hours.

The feeling was surreal for just about everyone on the ship.

In fact only Legion, who hadn’t yet found the capacity to even feel fear was the lone companion who didn’t have jitters about what was to come.

In the Starboard Observation Room, two of the crew sat in the midst of silent meditation to contain any further anxiety that could ultimately distract them from their goal.

Thane and Samara had grown to have a mutual respect for one another, due to their similar interests and backgrounds. Both had become comfortable over the years with not only their need to kill when obligated to, but also the solitude that inevitably comes with such a lifestyle. And now both were sworn to Commander John Shepard to assist his efforts in defeating the Collectors.

Green eyes eventually popped open as the drell thought of Shepard. Above all others he had the most potential apprehension for what was to come. As he took a pained breath, Thane slowly rose to his feet and left the asari to finish her meditation alone.

After a short elevator ride up, the assassin stepped towards the door to the Captain’s Cabin and pressed the button to announce his arrival. It only took half a second for the door to open and his eyes to see John sitting at his desk. “I hope… I am not disturbing you Shepard.”

“Not at all.” The Commander sounded somewhat tired as his left hand slipped what appeared to be a small picture frame inside the top drawer. He spun around in his chair soon after to face his visitor. “Something you need to talk about?”

While Thane was unable see whomever could be in the photo, his gaze did follow the object as it was tucked away. Hands pulled behind his back as the door shut behind him. “I thought I’d be asking you that question, to be honest…”

Shepard chuckled faintly and shook his head. His mouth curled upwards into a tiny smile as a hand beckoned the drell closer. “Well we won’t be able to discuss anything with you standing in the doorway. Come on.” The same hand then touched his knee to push himself up and turn to move on down the steps.

Thane inclined his head curiously even as he watched the man stand. It was only then that he caught the sight of the cabin proper. A pair of what appeared to be fish tanks glowed blue off to his left. Ironically, they were void of any sort of aquatic life. To his right was the desk John had just stepped away from with various model ships on display racks above. Considering the amount of models present, the man had no doubt built them all to relieve at least some of his stress.

Moving further in, the drell spied an L-shaped couch and finally a full-sized bed as the centerpiece of the room. Much more luxurious than both the single chair and folding cot that Thane had in the Life Support room, but he was more than satisfied with what he had.

“You want some tea, Thane?” Always the gracious host, Shepard paused by the couch as if anticipating that the assassin would sit first. “I can go get a mug real quick if-“

“No that won’t be necessary, but thank you for the offer,” Thane interrupted as he eased down onto the shortened side of the couch. The cushions were actually quite comfortable, even as he remained upright with each hand soon resting upon a thigh.

John continued to smile as he finally sat down on the longer end. He leaned back with a leg soon propping up to cross over his knee. “So…” was all he could say as they both appeared to be a bit lost on how to begin their conversation.

The drell’s expression shifted to one of curiosity as he glanced behind him towards the desk. “The photo you were looking at. Remembering someone close to you before we embark, I assume?”

Shepard’s eyes widened as he cleared his throat “Um… yes, actually.” His hand lifted up to brush the back of his neck as he stared off at the empty fish tank. “Was it that obvious?”

A smirk appeared across Thane’s lips as he observed the Commander’s embarrassment. “Humans do not share the ability to relive memories like drell do. A photo or vid is the next best thing, from what I’ve been told.” Green eyes returned to face the Commander as his head tilted just a touch to the right. “I’m guessing it’s a picture of Kaidan?”

John took a long breath and dropped his leg down. His form bend forwards with fingers interlocking in front of him. “Yeah. EDI gave it to me from one of the Alliance databases.” His demeanor noticeably changed as eyelids fluttered closed. “There’s a good chance I may never see him again and… that frightens me more than you can imagine.”

The assassin watched the Commander in silence for what felt like ages as his mind sorted through a multitude of thoughts. “You mentioned before…” he finally spoke with whispered tones, “that you were grateful he chose not to join us. Has that changed?”

Blue eyes briskly reopened as Shepard sat straight up. “What? No,” he answered without hesitation. “I just…” A frown soon followed as he let the rest of his thoughts remain silent.

“I also asked you before if you two were close.” It was the drell’s turn to lean forward with his gaze intent upon the man across from him. “Your answer was… ambiguous.” Both eyelids blinked in sync as his hands folded together. “But now I see that this is not a simple case of… comradery, Shepard. You truly care for him.”

The Commander shot Thane a long stare as his frown remained. “Kaidan’s a friend. A close one, yes, but just a friend.”

Thane soon sat back up with hands soon touching his knees as he offered the man an incredulous gaze. “Do you trust me, Shepard?” His words almost too soft for John to hear.

John quickly blinked a few times to the assassin in utter confusion. “What do you mean? Of course I tr-”

“Then lie down.” Thane’s voice was calm yet determined as he interrupted the Commander’s words.

“What the hell for?”

“I’m testing a theory,” was the response as a green scaled hand waved for Shepard to do as he requested. “On your back, if you please.”

John grunted as he soon flopped down on the couch. His shoulders and head hit the leather pad with a thud as he completely spread out. “I still don’t undest-“

“Close your eyes and take a deep breath.”

It was pretty clear at this point that John was not to speak unless spoken to. He let his eyelids fall shut once more and took the deepest breath he could manage before laying still.

“You said before that Kaidan would have seemingly random thoughts, correct?”

Shepard nodded his head against the leather cushion. “Yes.”

“Give me another example then…”

John smirked faintly as his fingers interlocked on his stomach. “When we first arrived on Noveria. He blurted out ‘Mom was right… I should’ve brought a sweater’. I mean he’s Canadian. He should be used to cold, right?”

There was a momentary silence before Thane’s voice was heard once more. “What was your last interaction with him before the Collector attack?”

Shepard’s mouth twitched. “We were having coffee in the mess. He had mentioned something about wanting to talk to me in private later that day. I asked, ‘Why can’t you tell me right now?’ and then the alarms started going off.”

“What about during the Collector attack. Did you speak with him then?”

“Yes. Kaidan stubbornly said ‘I’m not leaving either,’ “when I told him to gather the crew and get them into the evac shuttles” The Commander’s eyelids tightened as he tried to keep them closed. “I ordered him to go. He… hesitated before finally running off.”

Another pause. “Now tell me something he said to you on Horizon.”

The man winced with fingers tightening on top of his stomach. “He looked right at me and said… ‘You turned your back on everything we believed in.’” His lower lip quivered as a tear appeared at the edge of his eye before falling slowly down the side of his face. “’You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me.’”

Thane sat back quietly… contemplating his next question just as EDI’s voice was heard on the com. “Commander. We have approached the Omega 4 Relay. Awaiting your orders.”

Shepard’s eyes quickly burst open as he sat up. “Acknowledged.” His hand briskly wiped at his face before giving Thane a long look.

“I will leave you to prepare, Shepard,” the drell stated as he lifted his form up to his feet with a swift motion.

“Thanks.” John answered with a simple nod as he took a few breaths.

Thane paused by the door and glanced back with a small smile. It was very clear to him now that John and Kaidan loved each other. If they all made it through this, the assassin would vow to do anything he could to help them both to realize it.

John Shepard deserved to be happy… even if he was too stubborn to accept that fact just yet.


	50. I'm Proud of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finally manages to find some closure for a great many things in his life.
> 
> Kaidan, on the other hand, is forced to deal with loss once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright you can already tell from the title that this Chapter includes a particular scene between Anderson and Shepard that often makes players a bit teared up. In fact, this is probably the saddest Chapter I've written so far. I went through a LOT of tissues myself while typing it out.
> 
> Also I apologize for the length, but you'll see when you get to the end where I was going with it!

“Shepard?”

John’s whole body was in agony as his eyes slowly opened to the sound of Anderson’s voice in his ear. With gritted teeth and a stifled groan he gradually made it up to his knees with a croaked “Anderson. You up here too?” He then spied a nearby pistol and lunged forward with his right hand to snag it.

It was only then that Shepard could see the extent of his injuries. Both of his arms were splattered with blood and his armor was melted away in various places. In a sudden panic, his left hand lifted up to his eyes to inspect his ring. He sighed in relief that it was still there and in near perfect condition despite how the rest of him was.

“I followed you up. Though we didn’t come out in the same place…” From the sound of the Admiral’s voice he was just about as beat up as the Commander was. “At least I don’t think we did. What’s your surroundings look like?”

With another pained grunt, John forced himself up to his feet and looked around the current room he was in. He was suddenly overwhelmed by nausea deep in his gut. This room alone made the bodies on the Collector ship look like child’s play. He paused by a railing and bent over to expel the remains of his stomach until he was nearly coughing up bile.

“You okay?” was Anderson’s reply as he most certainly heard all of that.

Shepard wiped his mouth with one quick cough then turned to start walking down the narrow path between corpses. “I feel like death… but I’m movin’” He said with eyes staring straight at the far wall to avoid throwing up all over again. “It’s dark… and there’s mostly human remains scattered.”

“Sounds familiar. I’m in a dark hallway. Reminds me of your description of the Collector ship. You think they’re making another Reaper in here?”

A Keeper waddled past holding a helmet from one of the fallen Alliance soldiers. It was probably best that it didn’t turn the thing to confirm if there was a head still inside of it or not.

John’s right shoulder was throbbing from the gunshot he’d received due to that damned marauder right in front of the beam. “I don’t know. Possibly. I mean they can round up a lot of humans on Earth and then send them up here to be processed,” he replied as legs limped along towards the far door.

“God damn abomination…” the Admiral grunted. “I’m gonna keep moving. The sooner we blow these bastards back to hell, the better…”

The route to catch up with Anderson was a tiresome one. By the way The Commander was limping, there had to be at least a few bones broken between his pelvis and his legs. His left leg was hurt so bad he could barely put any pressure on it. Considering how much pain his right shoulder was in, it was probably broken in various places as well from the gunshot. The pistol was all but dangling within his grasp as he finally caught sight of Anderson standing in front of a panel. John smiled and started to say the Admiral’s name just as he was forced to stop mid-step.

“I underestimated you, Shepard…” came the all too familiar voice of the Illusive Man as he paced into view.

\----------------------------

James somehow managed to get Kaidan to limp into the Medbay without too much trouble.

Dr. Chakwas immediately sprang into action as another member of medical staff continued cleaning the wounds on Liara’s face and neck.

“Dammit Vega! I need to…” The Major began to say before the Doc cut him off with a swift slap to the face.

“What you need to do right now is calm down and get on the table so we can fix that leg. I swear sometimes I can’t tell who’s more stubborn… you or your husband.”

Liara let forth a small snort at the comment. “I think it depends on the day, and even then it’s a tossup.”

The Lieutenant just shook his own head silently with a grin as well. He didn’t know Alenko or Shepard as well as the ladies did, but from the experiences he had shared with each of them it was pretty obvious both could be extremely tenacious. On the plus side, it was also one of the reasons they were such good soldiers.

Kaidan got up on the table with an audible grunt and then flopped down on his back. “I should have stayed…”

“Beggin’ your pardon Major, but you could barely walk. If one of those beams had come right at you you’d’ve been aniquilado in seconds. I think the Commander made the right call…” Vega spoke up without even thinking twice about it. “Uh… Sir.” He added as he caught the biotic suddenly giving him a hard stare in response to the verbal lecture.

Dr. Chakwas smiled at James as she continued tugging the armor plates off of the Major’s legs. “Thank you, Lieutenant.” she affirmed and then moved around the pull off the rest of the outer armor.

Kaidan then just slowly turned his head away towards the wall, perhaps to hide how many tears had already gathered around his eyes.

\----------------------------

“I've dedicated my life to understanding the Reapers, and I know with certainty that the Crucible will allow me to control them.” The Illusive Man was pacing back and forth between Shepard and Anderson who were forced to stand there like complacent statues as he spoke like some mustache twirling movie villain.

He even made a further point by compelling the Commander to shoot the Admiral in the gut. While not fatal under normal circumstances, it did add on to the older man’s other injuries and could become a problem if it wasn't treated soon.

The Cerberus leader was so clearly indoctrinated that even Saren’s speech on Virmire made more sense than this. He was spouting off all this bullshit about controlling the Reapers to protect and eventually elevate humanity to its ‘rightful place in the galaxy’.

The man simply couldn’t grasp that humanity needed co-exist with all the other races to survive. Turians. Quarians, Krogan. Salarians. Asari. Geth. Humans… and many more were united and fighting the Reapers right now. Shepard and his crew had brought them all together to accomplish this task, not Cerberus.

As the Illusive Man’s bullshit continued, John could feel all of the anger he’d expelled that night in his cabin returning. Only this time it wasn’t aimed at a giant fish tank; it was aimed directly at the very man who had orchestrated every single nefarious act Cerberus had ever committed. Akuze. Pragia. Project Overlord. Mars. Grissom Academy. Omega. Sanctuary. Hell, keeping that human reaper on Cronos Station was already the icing on the cake. How many more would have to die for this man’s righteous cause?

“You're weak and selfish. Because of you, humanity will suffer,” Shepard all but spat through gritted teeth. The pistol in his right hand begin to twitch as his head felt like it was about to explode. “You were supposed to protect us. You failed.”

“No!” the Illusive Man shouted as he soon pushed Anderson to the side and grabbed the Admiral’s pistol. “I am the savior of humanity! I am the pinnacle of our species!”

“You’re nothing but a fucking tyrant.” His fingers were soon able to shift the pistol in his grip away from Anderson. “You want to control the Reapers so damn badly?” The sound of gunfire soon echoed through the chamber as the Cerberus leader fell down to the floor on his side. “Then you can join them.”

As the two of them were released from the Illusive Man’s hold, Anderson fell to his knees with a struggled gasp and quickly grabbed the wound at his torso to control the bleeding as best he could.

The Commander slowly limped over to the panel and tapped a few buttons on the glowing keypad to open the Citadel arms. As Earth gradually emerged within their view, he could hear the now former Cerberus leader take a struggled breath and lift his head.

“Earth... I wish you could see it like I do, Shep-“

His words were cut short by a second gunshot, this time aimed directly at the man’s head. And with that last shot, Shepard could feel all 9 years of fury, sadness, and grief slowly fade away. The pistol fell to the floor at John’s feet as he let loose a long yet staggered breath.

It was finally over.

\----------------------------

Whether he was numb to the pain from the sedative or a broken heart was difficult to determine. Kaidan simply laid there and let the Doctor work on his leg with eyelids squeezed tightly shut.

_“No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always...”_

Those words had both stung and warmed his heart in equal measure as he heard them from his lover’s lips. He could still feel the gloved hand on his cheek. He could still see the sadness in John’s eyes as they met with his.

Those eyes. Those damned blue eyes. For the briefest of moments the Major hated the fact that the shining gem in his wedding band was the exact same shade as those beautiful eyes.

He knew John had to do this. He knew his husband had to continue on without him, but he also wanted to just pull the younger man into his arms and drown out all the violence and death surrounding them both. Perhaps it was a selfish gesture, but Kaidan had gone almost his entire life thinking of others before himself.

He’d defended Rahna against Vymnus and his incessant cruelty at BAaT. He’d pleaded for Shepard to save Ashley instead of him on Virmire. He’d tried so hard to protect the colonists on Horizon. He’d shot Udina during the Coup not out of spite, but to protect the two other Councilors from meeting the same fate. He’d even put himself directly in harm’s way when that brute charged at a nearly helpless John on Despoina.

Now all he wanted was to have his husband, the man he loved back and safe. 

The biotic hissed loudly as Chakwas applied the bone weave to his thigh, pulling him briefly out of his silent sorrow.

It was then that the ship’s coms piped up with Admiral Hackett’s graveled voice heard on the other end. “Holy shit. He did it.”

The Major’s head then turned in surprise along with everyone else’s as the Fleet Admiral continued.

“This is the Admiral. We’ve got reports that someone made it to the Citadel. We need to give them more time to get those arms open. All fleets… converge on the Crucible. Protect it at all costs.”

“Wait. Really?” James immediately shot up from his seat, despite protests of the nurse who was tending to new scratches on his face, and turned on a nearby wall screen so they could all see.

Within about 10 minutes, the entire Normandy crew watched as the arms of the Citadel languidly opened outwards and the Crucible along with its entourage flew straight through teams of space debris battle to rendezvous with the station’s axis.

The Doctor smiled as she turned back from the screen to her patient. “He’s still with us, Kaidan. Don’t give up hope just yet.”

The biotic lifted his head to see the screen for just a brief moment before flopping it back to the pillow. A gentle smile was on his lips soon after as his chest rose and fell with a sigh of relief. “Come back to us, John… please,” was all he could manage to say as new tears made their way across his face.

\----------------------------

Shepard winced as he slid down next to Anderson, who acknowledged the younger man with another painful grunt and nod.

“We did it,” John said as the Admiral’s eyes opened to look out at the view past them.

“Yes we did.” Anderson managed a small smile as his brown eyes caught the sight of Earth. “It's ah… quite a view.”

The Commander couldn’t help but let loose a small laugh which hurt deep within his chest. “Best seats in the house.”

“You ever wonder how things would be different. How our lives would be… different if this... hadn't happened?”

John’s eyes turned to the older man with a lifted brow. “Like if you hadn’t found me at that bar in Vancouver 8 years ago?”

David chuckled himself and shook his head, “You were quite a mess, I’ll admit. But… I think you turned out okay.”

Shepard smirked just a touch as his eyes rolled forwards just in time to see the form of the Crucible floating slowly into dock.

“I never had a family, Shepard. Never had children,” the Admiral mused as he watched as well. 

“Mmm, I think you’ll have plenty of time for that now, Sir.”

Another soft chuckle. “I... I think that ship has sailed. But… what about you and Kaidan? Ever talked about settling down and having kids?”

The mention of his husband caused the Commander to smile warmly. “We haven’t really talked about it yet but… I like the sound of that. Not sure I'd be much good at it, though.”

“Sure you would. I think you both would make a great dads.” 

Shepard’s smile could only grow wider at that. “Thanks…”

“Think how proud your kids would be. Telling everyone that their dads are John Shepard and Kaidan Alenko,” the Admiral mused with a smile of his own.

“I dunno about that. Not everything either of us has done is something to be proud of.”

Anderson snorted a small laugh. “I think saving the galaxy makes up for all that. Don’t you?” He soon winced visibly as his hand finally fell from the wound on his stomach. “God... feels like years since I just... sat down.”

“I think you've earned a rest. Just stay with me. We're almost through this.” John’s gaze turned to face the older man with worry now upon his brow.

The Admiral’s eyes fell closed as he whispered, “You did good, Son. You did good.” His head fell forward with a content smile. “I'm... proud of you…”

And then David Anderson was gone.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

John swallowed loudly and whispered back, “Thank you, Sir…” with his lower lip slightly trembling. He felt tears creeping to his eyes just as Hackett spoke in his ear.

“Commander! Nothing’s happening. The Crucible’s not firing.”

Fuck.

Shepard forced himself to his knees to start crawling back towards the panel. “Wh… What do you need me to do?” he asked with struggled breaths.

“It must be something on your end,” Hackett answered.

The Commander toiled through the immense pain as he reached up for the panel with a bloody arm. “I… I don’t see. I’m… not sure h-how to…” But then he caught the flashing button on the bottom left which he was barely able to tap before falling back down to the floor.

_“I’m so sorry that I hurt you…”_

His thoughts were only of Kaidan as those soft words he’d spoken to the other man so many months ago echoed in his mind. Exhaustion blended with blood loss as he finally drifted into deep unconsciousness.

\----------------------------

“All fleets. The Crucible is armed. Disengage and head to the rendezvous point. I repeat. Disengage and get the hell outta here.”

Kaidan could feel the ship’s engines shift as he sat up. Everyone heard the Admiral’s command on the com but he didn’t want to believe it.

The Crucible and Citadel combined had begun to emit a strange orange glow that engulfed the entire planet below. Soon after pulled its remaining energy into a tight beam that shot forth in the direction of the Charon Relay… and the Normandy itself as Joker and the rest of the crew did everything they could to outrun the beam.

Once they’d finally left the Sol system, the entire crew seemed to share a sigh of relief… save one.

That one’s face was buried deep within rough hands as his entire body shivered from quiet sobs.

_“You’re the single most important thing in my life, Kaidan.”_

_“I’m here. I’ll always be here.”_

Kaidan made that promise to John a few weeks prior at the apartment. Their relationship had not been perfect, especially with his lingering feelings for Thane thrown into the mix. Still he had kept that promise even as the other man was forced to send him away in the midst of battle.

_"You gave me a gift, Siha. One more magnificent memory to cherish in what little time I have left.”_

Thane’s words then filled his mind as he coughed through another sob.

Both of his lovers were gone. One of them had even died twice… and he had been completely powerless to stop their deaths each time. It was like he’d been born under a bad omen or something.

Perhaps to his surprise, Kaidan soon felt the thick arms of James wrap around him. His wet face soon buried itself in the younger man’s chest as the Lieutenant slowly rocked him back and forth in silence.

\----------------------------

John didn’t know how long he was unconscious. He did remember the sensation of falling for what seemed like forever.

It was only when he felt the water against his cheek and fingers that he began to stir. Tired eyes blinked open, though one could barely focus through his injuries. Shepard craned his head around to take in most of his surroundings while also cursing through the pain.

He was lain out in what appeared to be a small creek. His ears also caught the faint sound of a waterfall off in the distance. A strange bit of scenery to be sure, but hey it was better than being on fire or worse.

The Commander pushed himself up to his feet with what little energy he could still muster and then took careful steps in the direction of the cascading water.

He paused at one point as the pain in his shoulder throbbed once more, but then he happened to catch another sound amidst the soothing cacophony of falling water.

A distinct voice… One he’d heard many times before.

That drove John to continue his journey until finally the owner of that voice was within his view.

“Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve. Guide this one, Kalahira, and he will be a companion to you as he was to me.”

Thane was sitting in front of the waterfall… hands clasped together in front of him as he repeated the same prayer John had whispered at the hospital upon his passing months ago.

Soon those deep green eyes rose up with a soft smile reaching the drell’s lips and the most gentle of nods soon accompanying it.

“It’s good to see you again, my friend…”


	51. Slowly We Fell into Slumber and I Held You Until the End of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Thane settle in to have a heartfelt talk. 
> 
> Meanwhile the Normandy crew scour London to find both the Commander and Admiral Anderson... alive or dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally past the game proper and into aftermath material, folks! Don't worry we've still got a bit to go yet.
> 
> Also the title is from yet another score by Ursine Vulpine. I am just in absolute love with his work.

“Thane?”

John’s words were barely a whisper as blue eyes fell upon the drell sitting so calmly atop the rippling water.

The assassin’s hands fell to his lap as his head inclined just a touch to the side. “I see Kalahira has made good on Her promise.” He then motioned for the soldier to sit by his side. “Please…”

Shepard complied with a baffled expression that morphed into a grimace. “What… where are we?” The fact he was still in so much pain didn’t help as he eased into a sitting position.

“I’m not entirely sure.” Thane casually peeked all around him before settling his dark gaze back on the Commander. “I have been here for quite some time.” He took note of physical state of the man now sitting next to him and asked, “I take it the war is finally over?”

John smirked with a brisk nod of his head. “I sure as hell hope so. Though I suspect by running into you here I’m probably dead… again. Too bad Cerberus can’t fix me this time.”

The drell snorted in reply. “Not that you would accept their help anyway.” Suddenly his face dropped as he grew much more serious. “Kaidan. Is he…?”

“He’s alive.” Shepard sighed with a sideways glance down to his ring. Absently he began twirling it between the pads of his right thumb and forefinger. “I made sure of that.”

Thane seemed to visibly relax before turning his attention to his friend’s hand. He couldn’t help but smile faintly at seeing the ring in its intended place. “Did you propose or did he?”

John swallowed then let loose a long breath. “He did, actually.” Blue eyes looked straight into green as he continued, “After I figured out about… you and him.”

The assassin froze for a brief moment with his smile falling down into a frown instead. “I see…” Suddenly Thane’s own gaze lowered to his lap. “I’m sorry, Shepard. It was never my intent for Kaidan and I to become… intimate.”

The soldier arched a brow as he turned to fully face his friend. “To be honest, I never thought you of all people would do something like that. I mean as much as you spoke about Irikah…”

The drell’s lips curled up into a sad smile as his hands folded on his lap. “You understand how much of an extraordinary person Kaidan Alenko is. He exudes confidence and yet has moments of uncertainty. He can be both gentle and fierce in equal measure. He has a unique sense of humor that can only be matched by his sincerity.” He finally lifted his eyes to face Shepard. “Your descriptions of him on the Normandy were only enhanced when I finally met him at the Hospital. I was… drawn to him in a way I’d never been before.” It was only then that he raised his eyes to look upwards. “But… I knew he was meant for you. I resisted for a long time until…” Both sets of eyelids closed tightly as a single tear dropped down the side of his face.

John’s shoulders sank as his stomach churned with a strange mixture of sadness and discomfort. On one hand it was strange to realize just how much both of them cared about Kaidan. On the other was the realization that the Major had now lost both of them and would have to face the aftermath of the war all alone.

“Do you love him, even now?” Shepard had asked Kaidan that same question weeks before. A simple inquiry that could result in more than a dozen complex answers.

The assassin’s eyelids promptly opened with his face turning back to the Commander in near shock. “I… don’t know. Not precisely anyway…” was his initial response. Hands folded upon his lap as he lapsed into memory.

{“Two bodies desperately cling to one another… meeting to dissolve their pain within sparks of passion… their souls combine for just the briefest of moments… conceiving the most beautiful of metamorphoses…”}

John’s eyes grew wide in response to such an… intimate description. His held his breath as his sense of uneasiness continued to grow. It was only when he felt the drell’s hand upon his shoulder that his lungs painfully expelled the air he’d held for so long.

“What Kaidan gave me was a gift of happiness, and in that moment of tenderness he became my Siha. But… his love for you goes far beyond anything I could ever give him.” His hand rose from the Commander’s shoulder only to then cup the man’s bloodied cheek. “His beacon is you, Shepard. Always has been.”

Tears appeared in John’s eyes as he couldn’t help but smile. “I… I don’t know about that. I’ve caused him… so much pain.”

Thane’s thumb rubbed gently across the dirt, blood and tears mingled together on Shepard’s face as he shook his head. “And yet he is still drawn to you and you to him despite of it all.” Lips lifted into a tender smile while lifting the soldier’s gaze to meet his own. “And now I must ask the same question you posed to me: Do you love him, even now?”

More tears cascaded down the man’s tired, bloodied face as he struggled to breathe. As much as he’d denied it all these years, his heart had always been Kaidan’s. He thought of what Ashley had said to him that morning before Virmire.

_“The one thing worse than dying alone is realizing in that last split second that someone special was out there the whole time, and they would never have let that happen.”_

Ash gave her life in Kaidan’s place knowing he had feelings for their Commander. She somehow knew deep within her heart, just as Thane did, that the two men were meant to be together despite all odds.

And over time… John eventually realized it too.

“Have you ever reached a point in your life… after fighting tooth and nail in a world cursed by chaos, loss, insanity… where everything finally came to a standstill? A time when after everything, after all the shouts, the screams, the tears, the desperation, the suffering, everything just halts in its place, and you seem to be the only one moving, as if silence is falling on deaf ears?”

A green hand offered a gentle squeeze as the assassin gave a slow nod in response.

“It was in that stillness that I looked over and saw the most beautiful man fighting right there by my side. It was in that very moment… I understood I loved him more than I could ever love, and that I was loved more than I could ever be loved.”

It was then that Thane’s second hand followed the first as he whispered, “And in that, he has become your own beacon, Shepard. You two are meant to always find each other.”

John reached up and slowly tugged both of the drell’s hands down from his face. “Look at me, Thane. I’m dead. That’s… just not possible anymore.”

The assassin’s brow fell ever so slightly in thought. Finally his expression brightened as he reached to assist the Commander back up onto his feet. “No… there is a way.”

“What?” John nearly convulsed as sore muscles let him know just how injured he really was. “I don’t understand.”

Once they were both standing, Thane grasped both of Shepard’s tired shoulders. “Kalahira placed me here to wait for you; to fulfill once last purpose before I can meet Irikah across the sea.” He looked John straight in the eye with sheer determination. “I made a vow that you two would be together, and I mean to keep it.”

The Commander’s face contorted with worry as he tried helplessly to draw himself from the drell’s grasp. “Thane… I….”

Both of the assassin’s hands began to glow with the soft blue hue of his biotics which caused John to jump slightly. “Go to him, Shepard.” Hands came together in front of him as the light intensified. Thane offered his friend a warm smile as he whispered, “Tell Kaidan… to never hide himself.” One hand reached over to press against the Commander’s chest while the other once again touched the man’s cheek. “Goodbye, John… and thank you.”

And then before Shepard could say another word, he was bathed completely in intense azure light as Thane’s slim form slowly disappeared…

\----------------------------

It had been nearly 3 days before it was safe enough for search parties to begin leafing through the Citadel wreckage that was scattered across London and its outskirts.

While some of the civilians and C-Sec officers were able to evacuate in time, others had not been so lucky.

Commander Armando-Owen Bailey had been of the few who had made it off the station in time, but now he was assisting both the Alliance officers and Normandy crew in scanning the wreckage for signs of both Admiral Anderson and Commander Shepard.

“Damn Reapers,” he grunted as he spotted some of the remains of unfortunate souls sent up the Citadel for ‘processing’. They would have to be dealt with later, though. Their main goal right now was to find survivors, not bury the dead just yet.

It was Cortez who eventually found Anderson. One of the medical staff knelt down to check the Admiral for a pulse, and soon after shook his head sadly. “He’s gone…”

Once everyone heard that through their coms, all of the soldiers met up and huddled close around the man as he was placed within a body bag with the upmost care. There was a long moment of silence as each of them held up their hands in a proper salute to the hero who fought tooth and nail to keep Earth from being completely destroyed.

David Anderson was a legend and would remain so for generations to come… and now he was another in a long series of casualties brought about by this damned war. The Admiral was carried away by a small group of Alliance soldiers and C-Sec officers as the rest resumed their search.

Shepard was still out there somewhere, and unlike Alchera the Normandy crew was determined to continue the search until they found the Commander… alive or not.

They took shifts with Kaidan, James, Samantha, Garrus, Liara, Tali, Miranda, Grunt, Steve, Javik, and even Joker all scouring through piles of rubble and bodies of the fallen. Jack and her students eventually found them and proceeded to use their biotics to help with some of the heavier pieces of debris.

After a few hours of searching, just about everyone was so exhausted that they planned to call it a night and resume looking in the morning.

Kaidan flopped down on a set of stones and brushed gloved fingers through the thick curls of his hair with a frown. “I know he’s here. He has to be.”

“Don’t worry, Major. We’ll find him.” Sam rested a comforting hand on the biotic’s armored shoulder. “One way or another.”

He began to smile in return before suddenly sitting completely upright.

Traynor immediately turned as well to see whatever the Major was looking at. “What is it, Kaidan?”

“You don’t see that?” The Major pointed towards a strange blue glow emanating from inside one of the buildings about a half a kilometre away.

Samantha squinted her dark eyes as if trying her damndest to see whatever he did. “See what?”

“Specialist… go get the others.” The Major ordered as he immediately took off in that very direction. He still had a bit of a limp despite the weave Chakawas had done for him a few days prior, but Kaidan was still able to maneuver through the various bits of wreckage and ruins at a somewhat brisk jog.

Sam didn’t need to be told twice as she turned around and shouted out to Garrus and Javik who were chatting nearby. As they caught the faint glimpse of blue armor and dark hair running towards one of the buildings, they immediately moved to follow.

“What the hell?” was James’ own reaction at catching the turian and Prothean moving at such a quickened pace past him, Steve and Grunt. Before they knew it, the three of them joined in on the chase.

Garrus and Javik made it to the building just behind Kaidan with both pausing just at the opening. From one of the few remaining walls still standing, this was the remains of a bakery. James, Steve and Grunt arrived about a half a minute later with all of them squinting in response.

“What a waste.” The krogan was more concerned about the fact all of the pastries were ruined than anything else. Typical Grunt.

Garrus grunted and shook his head. “Always thinking with your stomach, eh Grunt?”

“In my cycle, we did not have…” Javik eyed the torn sign on the far wall. “Biscuits. In fact we did not consume sweets at all. It was seen as a sign of weakness amongst my people.”

Both Vega and Cortez turned to face the Prothean with a “Seriously?” said in perfect unison.

Javik simply pulled his hands behind his back with what he could at least attempt as a smile. “That was a joke.”

Kaidan simply rolled his eyes in response before stepping inside. Hands turned over a broken table and then scooted away a couple of chairs before he finally caught the source of the glow. Feet took him across the room in an instant as he caught the sight of a bloodied hand draped out from behind the counter. The blue radiance only faded away once he drew close and spied a silver band on the third finger. A band with a distinct brown stone housed in its center.

“John! Oh my God…” the Major shot a glance to the other four and barked, “Help me get him out. Now!”

Grunt and James soon set to work shoving the entire counter fixture out of the way with Javik’s biotics helping to ease some of the physical strain. Steve and Garrus soon pulled the bloody and somewhat mangled form of the Commander across the floor.

The Major immediately knelt down, pulling John’s head into his lap as two fingers went to his neck for a pulse and then lowered an ear to check his breathing. He so was focused on making sure his husband was still alive that the bloodied hand rising up to touch his hair nearly made him jump right out of his skin.

“K-Kaid?” John’s voice was weak and raspy due to all the ash and dirt that had dried out his throat.

Kaidan bit at his lower lip and lifted his head to see the two most beautiful orbs of blue looking back at him. One was completely bloodshot from his injuries, but they were still the same eyes the older man had fallen in love with all those years ago.

“Hey… there you are…” the Major mustered the strength to say with a gentle smile reaching his lips. A gloved hand leaned down to wipe some dust from his lover’s face as he pulled him closer.

John snorted a painful chuckle as he lay there and grinned in return. “You f-f-flirting with m-me?”

“Damn right I am.”

Shepard’s hand fell to his chest as he coughed a couple of times. “Oh g-good. Would… wouldn’t w-want to s-s-start thinking Garrus’ ugly mug was b-becoming comp… competition.”

“I heard that.” The turian responded with a huff and a quick shake of his head. “I’ll go radio Dr. Chakwas and the rest of the medical team to get here ASAP. Good to have you back, Shepard.”

Kaidan nodded in thanks to Garrus and just propped both him and his husband up against a corner of wall still standing. The Commander’s head was soon resting on his chest as arms carefully wrapped around the younger man. “I love you…” he whispered as his cheek soon rested atop a pile of ash brown hair.

John couldn’t help but smile warmly as his eyes fell closed. He was far too weak at this point to talk anymore. Instead he gradually fell back into deep slumber while still being held in the protective arms of the man he loved.

\----------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could take credit for the art. It's actually taken from piece on DeviantArt by neehs. I simply Photoshopped my versions of Kaidan & Shepard onto it. [You can see the original here:](https://www.deviantart.com/neehs/art/London-ruins-Male-Kaidan-294150927)


	52. Be Bold. Be Brave.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back on the SR-1, Kaidan tries to build up enough courage to tell the Commander how he feels. Too bad the Collectors have the worst... timing... ever.
> 
> Later on Earth, Dr. Chakwas gives a diagnosis of Shepard's injuries and the Major is forced to make a brash decision.

It had been a month since Saren was defeated. A month since the Normandy crew had saved the Citadel from Sovereign and the geth. A month since Ashley’s passing on Virmire.

But then the Council decided to send the crew and the first human Spectre who had just saved their lives to do routine geth scouting missions.

Honestly after the last few months of running all over the galaxy, Kaidan had become completely bored out of his skull. Garrus and Wrex had felt the same way and eventually left the crew to find more exciting things to do. Adversely, Liara and Tali were quite content at not being shot at all the time.

As for Shepard, it was difficult to tell just how he felt. In fact, he’d kept a lot of his thoughts to himself since they’d left the Citadel. They barely saw him outside his cabin except when checking on reports or having chow in the mess. The whole crew noticed, but no one had the courage to say anything to the man. Not even Joker was willing to go down that road.

The fact that their Commander had grown so distant had Kaidan quite concerned. Ash’s death had hit both of them pretty hard. What’s worse was that his own unmistakable feelings for John were making things a whole lot more complicated.

_“This is more than just a crush, isn’t it? You care about him.”_

Ashley was uncannily astute when it came to reading people. It’s what made her such an amazing soldier. She could adjust her fighting style to compliment her other squad mates. She’d also been right on the money about Alenko’s affection for their CO. And in the month since her passing, his emotions had only grown in intensity.

He’d known love before with Rahna. Heck he’d even dated a couple of guys before while he was in basic. Battlefield flirting is one thing, but this… this whatever it was that he felt for Shepard was something else entirely. The Lieutenant felt butterflies in his stomach whenever the other man entered the room. His face felt flush when that soft baritone voice would reach his ears. His throat nearly went dry when those blue eyes would look straight into his.

It was then… a month into their ‘scouting missions’ that Kaidan decided he was going to tell the Commander exactly how he felt. The worst Shepard could do is say he didn’t feel the same. It would sting for a while, but it’s not like the older man hadn’t been rejected before. He’d be able to get over it and move on.

The biotic poured himself a cup of their poor excuse for coffee from the mess and turned only to find Shepard standing there right behind him.

“Oh! Sorry, Commander.” He briskly scooted out of the younger man’s way with the hot liquid barely staying within the porcelain cup he was carrying. “Didn’t see you there.”

Their eyes met for a split second as Shepard offered his Staff Lieutenant a slight smirk. “No harm done, Alenko. Though I noticed your caffeine intake has gone up significantly since we left the Citadel. You okay?”

Damn the man for always being concerned about his crew like this. Kaidan let loose a small breath as he broke eye contact. “Yeah. I’m fine,” he lied with heels turning towards the mess.

“Uh huh…” was John’s response as he soon turned himself to pour his own cup of morning java. “The bags under your eyes say otherwise, Lieutenant.” He followed the other man to the mess table and sat down across from him.

Kaidan looked down at the table while calloused fingers curled slowly around his warm coffee cup. “It’s not like you’ve been sleeping either, Shepard,” he quipped which caused the other man to sit back in slight surprise.

The Commander cleared his throat soon after and brought his own mug up to his lips for a long sip. “Duly noted,” he answered finally as the cup rested on the table in front of him. “To be honest, it’s been hard to sleep after we’ve gone from fighting Saren to doing the most boring ass investigation mission ever.” Arms crossed over his chest with a shrug. “I feel like my epitaph is going to read that I died of boredom.”

And that caused the Lieutenant to nearly spit his coffee before barking out a loud laugh. “You too, eh?” His face flushed once more as he suddenly caught a warm smile on John’s face.

“Yeah…” Shepard said with his voice a touch softer. “It’s good to hear you laugh again, Kaidan. It’s… nice.”

Nice? The biotic’s eyes grew completely wide as his tanned cheeks were suddenly overshadowed by a deep red blush. He bit both lips and then simply linked both of his hands together in his lap. “Uh… thanks.”

Just tell him, Alenko.

After he took yet another deep breath, Kaidan raised his chin to face the Commander. “Actually is there a way I could… talk to you in private later on? It’s kind of important.”

John’s eyebrows lifted with an inquisitive stare back towards the older man. “Why can’t you tell me right now?”

The Lieutenant shook his head and opened his mouth to speak further when they were interrupted by Joker’s voice over the ship wide com. “Brace for evasive maneuvers!”

Their two cups of coffee tilted in response to the ship soon moving extremely hard to port. Hot liquid nearly missed both men as they immediately shot up from their chairs and rushed off in opposite directions to pull their gear on.

“Multiple hull breaches! Weapons offline!” Joker shouted throughout the ship. “Somebody get that fire out!”

The Commander emerged soon enough from his cabin in a set of dark armor and immediately rushed off in the direction of the ship’s aft past the sleeper pods. Kaidan appeared soon after from the elevator with helmet in hand. His light armor was still stowed away in his duffel so the Lieutenant had to instead resort to tossing on some nearby heavy Phoenix armor they’d picked up during a past mission.

The biotic darted around fleeing crew as he could barely make out the sight of Shepard in the far back. The amount of smoke was already making his eyes water uncontrollably as he caught the Commander slide a helmet on top of his head.

“Shepard!” Kaidan managed to shout between the crazy mixture of the alarm and explosions from all over the ship.

John’s gloved hand pressed a large button on the nearby panel as he stated, “Distress beacon is ready for launch.”

The smoke had begun to tickle the Lieutenant’s throat and so he followed suit with his own helmet soon put into place. “Will the Alliance be able to make it in time?” he managed to say once the seal snapped around his neck.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

Fire erupted just to his left which caused Kaidan to grasp the nearby railing. “Dammit!”

“I'm not doing this just so they can find our frozen corpses.” John snatched a nearby hand-held fire extinguisher and sprayed down a few of the smaller spots. “Get everyone onto the escape shuttles.” He tossed the extinguisher to Kaidan next as he staggered down the hallway.

“Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship,” the biotic announced as he took to spraying down the fire off to his right. With a glance over his shoulder he suddenly realized that Shepard had every intention to go retrieve the stubborn pilot. It was in that very moment that Kaidan knew he just couldn’t let the other man do it alone. “I’m not leaving either,” he finally said with his eyes narrowing underneath his helmet.

But apparently John was having none of that. “I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles.” A gloved hand hastily snatched the extinguisher back to further punctuate the point. “I'll take care of Joker.”

The Staff Lieutenant’s heart sank at the sheer stubbornness his Commander was displaying right now. Was he… worried? “Commander!” he pleaded as he stood his own ground amidst the fire and smoke all around.

The ship took another hit which caused both men to nearly lose their footing. “Kaidan.” John said with his own helmeted gaze steadfast on the older man. “Go. Now.”

Damn it all. The last thing he wanted to do was leave Shepard behind. But if he could make it to Joker in time, then they could still make it to the small escape pod near the cockpit. 

“Aye, aye," Kaidan replied in reluctance before turning to sprint off and help the rest of the crew.

Little did either man know that this would be the last time they’d see each other until that fateful day on Horizon a little over two years later…

\----------------------------

After they’d all found the Commander in the remains of that London bakery, John had been taken to the temporary hospital at the FoB. Dr. Chakwas and her staff soon got to work scanning for all of the man’s injuries.

Kaidan was forced to stand back by both Garrus and James despite every instinct wanting him to be at his husband’s side. He’d already been forced to leave the other man behind once before. Now all he could do was watch from a distance with teeth chewing nervously on his right thumbnail.

As the staff began a blood transfusion, Chakwas calmly walked over to the three soldiers. “You’re lucky to have found him when you did. He’s suffered a great deal of internal trauma, broken bones and blood loss. The only reason he’s still got all of his limbs is due to the implants.”

At least Cerberus had been good for something.

“Unfortunately he’s also fallen into a coma,” She continued with a frown. “I’d normally say we need to get him to the Citadel for emergency surgery but obviously that’s not happening.”

“Crap…” was Garrus’ response as mandibles physically expressed his disappointment.

Kaidan’s lips dropped into a deep frown with his eyes darting between the unconscious form of his husband across the room and the doctor standing in front of him. “What exactly do you need, Doctor?”

“Well we have plenty supplies and a sterile environment on the Normandy, but we need more space than the Medbay can offer,” Karin answered as she wrung both hands together.

The Major closed his eyes in thought. They had to move John to a safer place with enough room for…

“Lieutenant. Have Cortez prep the shuttle,” Kaidan suddenly barked as he looked towards James.

Vega blinked a few times before offering Alenko a brisk salute. “Got it.”

The biotic then reached for a nearby datapad and typed out a short message before sending it off. It got tossed away as Garrus couldn’t help but stare.

“Uh… you plan to let the rest of us in on what you’re doing, Kaidan?”

The Major just answered the turian with a very clear ‘trust me’ look before turning to Dr. Chakwas and lifting his omni tool. “Can you tell Joker to have the Normandy meet us at these coordinates?”

The doctor’s own omni tool lifted in turn as she peeked down at the location. “I realize the Reapers left that area mostly intact but are you sure it’ll be safe?”

“I’m positive,” Kaidan replied with a confident smile that shocked both Karin and Garrus in equal measure. “Just make sure the Commander is prepped for transport within the next 15 minutes…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You ever notice that at the beginning of Mass Effect 2 the cutscene has Ashley, Liara and Kaidan all wearing the same Phoenix gear? The latter two don't even wear heavy armor. It was probably done to save on animations for the scene, but still. Regardless, I decided to toss in a quick explanation as to why Kaidan would even put it on in the first place.


	53. Mother's Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate Alenko receives a message from her son that the orchard is about to receive some unexpected guests.

The air outside was cold and brisk as Kate Alenko stepped out onto the porch wrapped in one of her favorite thick cardigan sweaters. The recent message she’d received from her son provided her with comfort and worry in equal measure.

_We did it, Mom. Reapers are dead. John’s in a coma, though. Can you prepare the guest room? Bringing lots of friends._

Both she and Tom were still wrapping their heads around the fact that Kaidan was even seeing anyone, let alone the fact that it happened to be Commander John Shepard. Their son had always been so quiet about his private life. The only reason Kate had even learned about Rahna was due to a report given to them when Kaidan was sent home from BAaT.

It was only when she suddenly received an impromptu wedding invitation from a Miranda Lawson that Kate was even remotely aware of her son’s current romantic status. The fact that Kaidan was marrying a man didn’t bother her in the slightest, though she wasn’t quite sure how Tom would take it. Once she spied both her husband and son walking together in that lavish apartment a few days later, all of her fears briskly melted away.

What mattered most was that their son was happy. Considering how much love John and Kaidan had expressed during the ceremony, Kate and Tom both realized soon enough that he had found the one person who perfectly complimented his own personality.

The news that her new son-in-law was now in a coma was not what she expected. Hearing that Kaidan and crew were on their way to the orchard with said son-in-law in tow even less so. Luckily the guest room had already been cleaned and prepped for future visits, so now all she could do was wait.

\----------------------------

Joker had heard once before from Kaidan during their poker practice that his family owned an apple orchard, but it wasn’t until he had to land the ship at said orchard that he finally saw just how expansive the place truly was. It took a bit of maneuvering to get the ship down without damaging too many of the trees.

Once the bay doors opened, Dr. Chakwas and the rest of her medical staff immediately shuffled out with as much gear as they all could carry.

“Mrs. Alenko?” Chakwas nodded as she found the other woman standing on the porch. “Maj-… Kaidan said you’d be expecting us.”

Kate nodded in return as she pulled her cardigan tighter around her. She recognized the Doctor as one of the guests from the wedding which offered her at least a bit more relief. “Yes. The guest room is down the hall, last door on your left.” She then immediately side-stepped out of the way as the entire medical team rushed past to begin formal preparations within said room.

Roughly 10 minutes later a small blue and white shuttle touched down. Kaidan stepped out first with Garrus and Grunt in tow as the latter two carried a very bandaged up Commander on a military stretcher.

“Guest room is last door on the left,” the Major directed the turian and krogan with a nod and then paused with a weak smile. “Hey, Mom. Not the type of visit you were expecting, eh?”

Kate had to admit that seeing her son in that blue armor made her quite proud. Still, she couldn’t help but draw the boy into her arms and offer him a tight hug. “I’m just glad you’re both safe.” Her nose then wrinkled as she caught the unmistakable odor of a solider who’d been out in the field. “My lord. When’s the last time you had a shower?” She pulled away and lightly smacked her son on the ass. “Go get cleaned up.”

Once a mother, always a mother. Kaidan jumped a little as she struck his bottom, but then slowly grinned wide. “Yes, ma’am. Can I use the one upstairs?”

The Alenko matriarch nodded towards the steps. “Sure. I’ll grab some fresh towels and clothes for you. You still take your coffee black?”

\----------------------------

Shepard’s surgery took the entire medical team nearly 5 hours to complete. If Dr. Chakwas hadn’t been there it would have taken much longer, though. Being the Normandy’s chief medical officer when they worked with Cerberus had its advantages. She had extensive knowledge of his physiology including the placement of each implant and everything else Project Lazarus had “improved”. Now it was only a matter of time to see how long it would take for John to fully heal.

Karin walked calmly down the hallway only to find most of the others huddled around the dining room table indulging in a round of poker to pass the time. She smiled to herself and shook her head before finally clearing her throat to get their attention.

Kaidan, of course, immediately stood up from his chair with brown eyes growing wide. “Is he… alright?”

“The Commander’s still in a coma for now, but we did treat as much of the physical trauma as we could. All we can do now is monitor his progress and wait for all that Cerberus tech to do its thing.” The Doctor could only offer the slightest of shrugs and then offer the Major an apologetic look. “He could be awake in a week or a year. I can’t say for certain beyond that.”

Kate walked out from the kitchen as she heard Dr. Chakwas’ words and wiped her wet hands with a towel. “Don’t worry, Doctor. John can stay here for as long as it takes.”

Chakwas shot an inquisitive glance back towards the other woman. “You sure?”

Lips curled upwards as Kate’s own brown eyes darted between the hallway and her son. “He’s a part of our family, Dr. Chakwas. I’m positive.”

It was then that Kaidan’s own demeanor immediately shifted from melancholy to happiness. He’d never officially ‘come out’ to his parents, so having the news sprung on them that he was marrying a man was quite an eye opener. Of course, learning that his father was present to take him down the aisle was emotional enough. But then seeing how proud Tom Alenko was when he handed his son off to John had made the Major’s heart nearly burst. Now with that clear statement uttered by his own mother, he was all but ready to break into tears.

“Alright then.” Karin acknowledged before sliding her eyes back to Kaidan. “While I know you have some medical experience and will continually watch him anyways, I’ll need to at least come visit to check on Shepard every once in a while. Think you can handle that?”

The biotic was surprised for the briefest of instance that Chakwas even remembered that he had medical training. “Works for me.” He finally answered before turning towards the hallway. “Can I go see him now at least?”

As the Doctor nodded, Kate grinned a little as well. A grin that her son had no doubt inherited. “I’ll bring you some dinner in a bit, Son. As for the rest of you, you’re not leaving until you’ve all had a proper meal.” She glanced especially over to the turian still sitting at the table. “I even made sure to have dextro products for you, Garrus, so don’t even think about it.”

Even with the military reputation that both Tom and Kaidan shared, it was very clear that Kate was the true boss of the family. At almost 5 foot even with a slim frame, the woman looked like she could fall over with the lightest breeze. However, all doubt was gone when she spoke as her mezzo-soprano voice could shake mountains if she so wanted.

It was that same voice which caused one of the most badass turians in the galaxy to raise his hands in apparent surrender. “Yes, ma’am,” was all Garrus could really say which caused even Joker, Cortez and Vega to similarly just sit back and accept their fate to enjoy Mama Alenko’s down home cooking. Grunt, on the other hand, was never one to turn down food so simply barked out a loud laugh as he slapped Valkarian on the back.

Kaidan shook his head with a chuckle at all of their reactions. “Don’t worry. Mom’s an amazing cook. You won’t regret it.” And with that he stepped past them all and down the hallway to check on his husband.


	54. Dreaming in Technicolor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan's dreams bring him to strange places sometimes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is partially written as a response to the prompt by Anonymous in the [The Mytserious Fiction Challenge.](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/mysteryfanfic/works/new?claim_id=145712) I just can't seem to get the chapter to link properly. Sorry!
> 
> **Prompt:**
> 
> Your character don't believe their eyes. Within the mist of a grey and rainy day someone they know very well is walking straight up to them - any mistaking impossible. Nevertheless this can't be real, since the person they see is already dead.
> 
> Ended up being a dream sequence to make it work within the larger story. Anyways. Enjoy!

Omega.

Even as his shuttle reached the dock, Kaidan knew this place would give him a throbbing migraine the second he stepped out. The second the doors opened out onto the main drag, he was unfortunately right.

Despite his protests, the Staff Commander had been sent out to the Terminus Systems by Councilor Anderson to investigate some so called plague that was hitting the station. The odd thing about it was that it specifically wasn’t infecting humans. Considering humans only made up about 20% of Omega’s overall population, the Councilor wanted to find out what was really going on.

A batarian was suddenly in Kaidan’s face, grunting out a quick “You got business here? Speak to Aria.” He wasn’t even in uniform, but somehow this guy knew the biotic was here for a specific reason. His greeter then nodded his head over to the Afterlife club with a very loud grunt before wandering off.

Now Alenko knew he was going to have a migraine later on. Afterlife had all three things that he hated. Loud, repetitive thumping music. Bright, strobing lights hitting him in every direction. And finally the overpowering mixture of piss, vomit, booze, and various alien bodily fluids that attacked his nostrils and instantly had his eyes burning.

This place was a shithole, but he was here on a mission.

Kaidan swallowed the bile that was creeping up into his throat and then took wide steps into the cornucopia of sin and dirt in order to find this… Aria he’d been directed to speak with. The turian bartender turned on what little charm he had to get the man to buy a drink.

“I’m actually looking for Aria. Was told I needed to speak with her?” the biotic shouted as best he could over the loud bass while snagging some strange green drink from the counter.

An upwards nod was given towards a long black couch just above the main bar. “She’s up there. Just watch yourself. Nobody fucks with Aria, understand?”

Shit. Even the drinks were terrible here. Kaidan’s face winced after tossing his head back to down his drink. “Got it. Thanks.” He slapped down a few credits next to the now empty glass before pushing an elbow off the bar.

Feet carried him forwards to the steps before another batarian was all up in his face with a rifle held across his torso. “Where do ya think you’re going?”

The atmosphere of this place was already testing the Staff Commander’s patience, and while he wasn’t in currently uniform he was still an Alliance officer and on a mission as a favor for his former CO. Causing a scene in here was the last thing Kaidan needed right now. Blunt fingernails roughly dug through gelled hair as he nodded up towards the couch. “I was told Aria’s expecting me.”

The guard squinted his four eyes and bared all of his pointed teeth with a notable snarl before a motion off to his left caused him to suddenly sidestep out of the way. “Go on up,” he finally announced with a calm sidestep out of the way.

Kaidan’s brow rose curiously but decided to not question the gesture. Boots carried him up the steps before being stopped this time by a vorcha with even sharper teeth than the guard he’d just walked past. “Gwaaaaaar. You wait… human.” A long bony hand was held up as the biotic was scanned by yet another guard. How much security did this Aria need anyways?

“Hand over the pistol. Now.”

Well crap. With a silent sigh, Kaidan reached behind his back and pulled the small pistol out from the waistband of his jeans. “Fine.” With a flick of the wrist he tossed it over to the vorcha. “But I want it back when we’re done here.”

A soft chuckle was heard from the direction of the couch in response. “Not like you need it… Commander.” Brown eyes shifted almost immediately in the direction of the voice, only to find an asari sitting there in a tight black and white outfit that was revealing in just enough places to help her appear even more dangerous.

“Seems you know a lot about me… Aria.”

“I make it a point to know as much as I can about special guests such as yourself.” The woman tilted her head off to the right in a silent invitation for the Commander to sit. “Information is the most important thing a person can have.”

The couch was surprisingly comfortable considering how the rest of the club was. The biotic eased down onto the offered cushion before leaning forward with an elbow on his knee. “Why see me then? What information could I possibly give you?”

Aria scoffed and waved a hand lazily in the air. “The Alliance generally come to Omega to get drunk, get laid, or cause trouble. If they’re lucky they’re experience all three before they scurry back to play hero on some desolate world that no one cares about.” Her lips then drifted up into an almost sinister smile as she looked the man up and down. “I sincerely doubt you’re here for any of those reasons.”

The Staff Commander then pulled his other elbow forwards so he was able to squarely watch the Queen of Omega. “Fine. I’m here to investigate a rumor about a plague that hit the station recently.”

“Ah yes,” Aria answered with hands folding comfortably in her lap. “I’ve had the slums area quarantined to keep it from spreading. Funny thing, though. It seems to not affect you humans in the slightest.” Her pale blue eyes narrowed in his direction. “But if you want to learn more you’ll have to go on down there yourself.”

Oh that’s just great. “That’s all you can tell me?”

“You gave me information and so I gave you some in return. I believe we’re even.” A blue hand then waves him off like a bug buzzing around her face. “Good luck with your… investigation, Commander Alenko.”

And with that Kaidan was tapped on the shoulder by the butt of a rifle. He quickly jumped back up to his feet with a low grumble before snatching his pistol from the vorcha so quick he nearly ripped the poor creature’s fingers off. He all but stormed off after tucking the weapon back out of sight, just happy that he didn’t have to spend another minute in this piss hole.

Whatever was in that strange green drink suddenly slapped his brain like a ten ton boulder. Stumbling past a few other patrons, eventually the biotic slipped through a downstairs door and into a much smaller area. Lungs breathed in deeply with fingertips sliding up to rub both temples. What a nightmare. Kaidan would never be able to understand the appeal of a place like that. Chora’s Den had its share of exotic dancers too but at least the music and lightning were less… intense there.

He had to get out of here before he went completely insane.

Through the dimmed lights and smoke Kaidan should barely make out a small hallway to the right that seemed to veer away from the club proper. Arms crossed tightly around his torso as he slowly staggered forth into this unknown void of a hallway.

“Please let there be an exit down here,” the biotic whispered to himself. He looked down for just an instant avoid tripping on some other patron’s vomit recently deposited upon the floor. Just as his chin lifted back up, his face nearly smacked right into another man who happened to be walking in the opposite direction.

However, this wasn’t just any random stranger.

“Oh I’m terribly s-…” Kaidan began to say before whiskey brown eyes opened as wide as they could. “Sh… Shepard?”

John reflexively took a step back himself as his own blue eyes blinked multiple times. He was wearing a full set of armor dyed almost the same shade of blue as his eyes. The ginger hair Kaidan remembered was much darker now, taking on a more ash brown hue underneath the dark lights of the hallway. Probably the most noticeable difference was a series of random orange scars running along his usually smooth features.

It had to be the booze. There’s no fucking way that the man standing there was Commander John Shepard. The same man who was declared dead and buried two years ago.

Kaidan coughed more than a few times as he stumbled backwards. Stomach contents struggled to come back up as shoulders briskly found the nearest wall. His lungs once again grasped for air as he simply stared wide-eyed at this… whoever it was.

“Kaidan?” The man who may or may not be John Shepard immediately rushed over and grasped the Staff Commander’s upper arms to hold him steady. “Hey... Come on. Stay with me now.” The voice was definitely his. Kaidan would know that distinct baritone timbre anywhere. Those words and strong arms mixed together were just enough to provide the needed warmth he desired at that very moment.

“You… you’re supposed to be dead.”

John grinned wide as he slowly loosened his grip. “Been hearing that a lot. Obviously I got better.”

For sure a hallucination wouldn’t feel as good as those hands did. The biotic almost whined as they began to pull away. “I don’t understand. Joker said you were spaced.”

“He wasn’t lying. From what I was told it was a pretty damn long process to fix me.” Shepard then reached over with one finger lifting the other man’s chin “It’s… good to see you, though. I’ve missed you.”

Tears welled up in Kaidan’s eyes as he smiled gently. Everything else around them seemed so muted in comparison to this simple moment. There was only those damned blue eyes looking down at him. Before he can even think, the biotic’s own hands reach around the Commander’s shoulders and draw the armored man in close. His nose buried deep within the exposed crook of the younger man's neck.

“Please don’t leave me again…”

John’s own arms tightened after slithering down around the other man’s waist. “I promise…” was his reply as lips softly touched the top of the other's man's head.

\----------------------------

Kaidan nearly jumped awake in his chair, having somehow dozed off after one of his mother’s usual overfilling lunches. He grunted and rubbed his forehead with a few fingers before slowly sitting up and glancing all around the room.

No pounding music. No strobe lights. No stink. There was only the serene environment of his parent’s guest room and the soft breathing of his husband occasionally breaking the otherwise comfortable silence.

A dream. Only a dream. Thank God.

John was still in a coma as his bandaged body lay underneath the thick, warm covers. It had been a grueling six weeks since he’d been found and brought to the orchard to heal. While Dr. Chakwas had provided a steady supply of IVs to keep the Commander nourished, Kaidan had still taken the time every few days to feed John some soup so that he’d at least have some proper protein as well.

Kaidan’s mouth opened in a wide yawn as his fingers rubbed across the beard all along his lower face. The thick hairs had taken on a more scruffy texture in the time he’d let them grow out. A good reminder that he should finally take the time to shave.

With a huff, Kaidan hoisted himself up to his feet and walked around the bed. He paused just long enough to bend down and lightly brush John’s grown bangs away from his face.

“Come back to me, baby.” he whispered tenderly in his husband’s ear before standing back upright and moving towards the door to the washroom.

John wasn’t a ghost anymore. He was alive and safe. Now it was only a matter of time before he’d finally be able to open those beautiful eyes again.

As the door carefully closed, the Commander’s eyelids twitched ever so slightly with a single tear rolling down the side of his face.

Only a matter of time…


	55. Louder Than Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Alenkos sit down to have their evening supper, they are soon interrupted by an unanticipated chain of events.

“Kaidan. Son. I know Admiral Hackett said you could take as much leave as you need to until John is awake, but seriously you haven’t left the farm in weeks.”

Kate Alenko and ‘blunt’ often went together like peas and carrots. She became particularly savage during meal times when it was abundantly clear she’d have everyone’s undivided attention.

“Oh ease up on him, Katelyn. He’s allowed to be concerned about his husband’s well-being.”

And it was typically Tom Alenko’s job to divert at least some of his wife’s outspoken opinions when they would inevitably come up.

When most mention that old wives’ tale of ‘opposites attract’, the Alenkos could easily be cited as the poster children for that very saying. As a kid, Kaidan often wondered how the heck he was even born with how different his parents were. Later on he eventually caught on to the fact that they just perfectly complimented each other to the point that they’d managed to stay married for just over 40 years.

Forty years.

Up until Kaidan found John in the rubble of that bakery he’d nearly settled into the mindset that he was lucky their official courtship had survived nearly 6 weeks. Add on the fact they’d been married for 2 of those weeks and it was already enough to make anyone’s head spin. Then again everything moves at a much brisker pace when the whole galaxy is worried about living just long enough to see the next day.

Marriage wasn’t even on the Major’s mind when he was younger. After the incident at BAaT and the subsequent turbulence with Rahna, he hadn’t bothered to seek out anything other than a few one night stands when he was feeling particularly adventurous, drunk, or both. Even after he did meet Shepard and eventually developed feelings for the other man, he knew at most they’d enjoy a brief relationship before one or both of them were transferred to other military assignments.

It wasn’t until he met Thane, ironically enough, that the notion of lifelong commitment was even in the cards. The way the drell spoke so fondly of both his late wife and Kolyat initially made Kaidan quite envious. He was so utterly convinced that he'd be single for the rest of his life. Over time, however, Thane's encouragement to settle things with John caused him to rethink the very possibility of a relationship. The assassin's subsequent gift of their wedding rings was the last nudge Kaidan needed to finally ask his lover and Commander to be his husband.

The biotic smiled a tiny bit as fingertips grazed across the faceted blue stone set within his wedding ring before he felt his father tap the side of his arm with a basket of rolls.

“Daydreaming again, Son? Maybe you really do need to get out of the house.” Tom smirked as Kaidan finally snatched the basket from his hand.

“I’ll be fine. You both don’t need to worry so much,” he murmured while fingers dug into the basket for a couple of rolls.

His mother seemed less than convinced. “I just don’t want you to end up like you were after coming home from Brain Camp. I mean… what if John doesn’t wake up? It’s already been 3 months and Dr. Chakwas said….”

“He’ll wake up, Mom. He will. We just… have to be patient,” Kaidan snapped as he hastily grabbed his fork.

Tom just sighed heavily as a hand reached over to pat his son on the shoulder. They were all startled soon after by the unexpected ping announcing that someone was at the front door of the house. “You expecting some of your crewmates this evening? I thought the Doctor wasn’t due to come over until Friday.”

Kaidan looked just as surprised as his parents. “No. And even if I did they always call my omni tool first.” Thick brows knit together tightly as his napkin was tugged up off his lap and set on the table beside his plate. “You two stay here,” he suggested cautiously while pushing his chair back and rising to his feet in one swift motion.

After another loud ping, the Major took a deep breath and stepped forward to pop the electronic lock.

“Major Alenko? Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani. You’re a hard one to track down, I’ll admit.” The dark skinned woman was standing right there on their porch complete with floating camera rig as she gave the man a sly smile. John had admitted after their first encounter over 3 years ago that he was tempted to punch her lights out due to how rude she was. Ultimately he decided against it and simply answered her questions as politely as possible.

Still. She was just about the last person Kaidan expected to find skulking around his family's orchard. “And you’re still incredibly persistent. What are you doing here?”

Khalisah shifted from one foot to another as arms crossed loosely in front of her. “Trying to track down any news about what’s happened to Commander Shepard. His body wasn’t found the Citadel wreckage in London so that means he’s still alive… somewhere.” She nodded faintly in Kaidan’s direction. “As his XO, you’re the one most likely to know his current whereabouts.”

XO. Not ‘husband’, ‘boyfriend’ or even ‘lover’. Hackett had requested to the entire crew, including Diana Allers, for the relationship to remain private at least until the war was over. A quick rush of relief fell over Kaidan’s whole body as he quickly tucked his left hand and the silver ring nestled upon it inside his front jeans pocket.

“I’m no longer the XO of the Normandy, Ms. al-Jilani. Haven’t been for 3 months now. Perhaps you could ask the current XO for his insight? Though I’m pretty sure Garrus Vakarian will give you the same answer. I don’t know where the Commander is.”

The reporter’s fingers drummed impatiently against her elbow. “Is that so? Then explain why Alliance shuttles have made regular visits here in the following weeks since the Reapers were destroyed? It’s not like an apple orchard in the middle of nowhere British Columbia is a typical hotspot for military activity,”

Shit. She checked that? No. He needed remain calm; to stay focused just like Thane had taught him. “My father has been taking trips to see a surgeon in Vancouver. His leg was severely injured while on active duty a few months back and the Alliance offered a special doctor over there to take care of it.”

This wasn’t a total lie. Tom had indeed gone back to Vancouver a few times to have a pair of surgeries and subsequent checkups. Now all they could do was take time for the muscle tissue to heal so he wouldn’t rely on a cane for the rest of his life.

“I see…” was Khalisah’s reply as she made a vague attempt to peek around the Major’s shoulder and glimpse the pair still sitting quietly at the dining table. “So you’re absolutely sure you have no idea where the Commander is?”

“I swear, al-Jilani, I thought we had an understanding that you were going to stop pestering my crew.”

Both the biotic and the reporter’s heads immediately whipped around toward the sound of that all too familiar voice.

And there he was. John Shepard. His brown hair was a near floppy mess and lower face covered with about two weeks of fuzz but it was no mistaking that he was awake and currently staring down one of his least favorite people in the galaxy at this very moment. A shoulder was propped up against the wall and he was still draped in the medical gown Kaidan dressed him in that morning. Somehow he’d managed to tug out the IV from his arm, but the needle was still taped in place.

As if by instinct, the Major abruptly took off across the room to help the other man up and off the wall. “What the hell are you doing?” he asked as he pulled his husband’s arm over his shoulders.

John chuckled even as he leaned in against his lover’s side. “Good to see you too, Kaid.” But then his gaze soon returned to the woman who was now rudely staring at him from the direction of the porch. “Obviously you came here for a juicy story, right?”

After a few more moments, Khalisah finally snapped her jaw closed and clicked her tongue in disgust. “You lied to me, Major Alenko.”

The Commander grunted loudly with eyes soon narrowed at the woman. “His name… is Major Kaidan Alenko-Shepard. I expect you to treat my husband with proper respect considering he was one of many brave people who helped me save trillions of lives, including yours.”

Wait. Did he hear that right? Kaidan’s face shifted into one of pure shock as he turned to look over at the younger man. “John?”

He then felt the gentle hands of his husband rise up to caress his face and pull him in close. Their lips soon collided with the older man’s arms eventually snaking around his lover’s waist in silent response. The familiar taste of lips and tongues soon drowned out anything else, including al-Jilani's fruitless attempts to stop them by clearing her throat at least a couple of times.

Only when both men had nearly run out of air did they finally pull apart just far enough for the Commander to turn his own eyes back towards the doorway. “Now I think you should leave, Ms. al-Jilani. Go tell them that Commander John Alenko-Shepard is alive… and I’ll give the galaxy a more formal update on my status when I’m damned well ready to.”

Kate actually smiled wide at that as she sat back in her chair. She was never more proud of her son-in-law than in that very moment. Sure he’d saved the galaxy and all that, but telling a reporter on camera to fuck off and leave them all alone was much more satisfying.

Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani for her part simply frowned darkly as the floating camera at her side soon shut down. “I won’t be the last person you see who wants answers… _Commander_.” And with that she turned away and headed back across the lot to her own shuttle parked a few meters away.

Once the front door slid closed, Kaidan exhaled a shuttered breath. “Why… why did you do that?” he asked as a thumb began brushing across the hairs of John’s partial beard.

The hand was grasped tenderly and pulled to the younger man’s lips before he replied, “Because you should never hide yourself, Kaid.” A playful wink accompanied by a warm smile followed as their fingers linked tightly together. “Thought you knew that by now.”

Whiskey brown eyes went as wide as saucers before the biotic simply wrapped his free arm in tighter and buried his nose in the exposed crook of his husband’s neck.

“Please don’t leave me again…”

John sighed and hid the wince on his face as the grip still caused him a little discomfort. He then kissed the top of his lover’s head with a soft whisper in return, “I promise…”


	56. Serene Seclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After John's rather explicit declaration of both his well-being and marital status, the boys are jettisoned off somewhere even more remote than the orchard for their own safety.

The next week went just about as both John and Kaidan expected.

The limited extranet they all still had suddenly swelled with such an array of theories, pictures, and vids that it was almost impossible to keep track.

Most ranged from confirming John was still alive to his current marital status. Speculation was all over the place as to how long he and Kaidan had even been a couple. There were even comments about how being both the first and second human Spectres had certain… privileges.

Coming to the realization that John’s actions at the Citadel had damaged all of the mass relays didn’t help either. Now that everyone knew he was alive, more news sprung forth that some of the populace wasn’t too thrilled that he’d essentially stranded all of the survivors in the various systems they’d been in when the Reapers were destroyed.

Almost none of the news used his new proper name of ‘Alenko-Shepard’, which pissed John off more than anything else. Kaidan seemed to be fine with it… at least for now. He’d been ‘Commander Shepard’ for so long that it was simply going to take time for the whole galaxy to recognize and accept that he’d changed it.

Admiral Hackett had buzzed John almost immediately after the news broke and ordered them both to leave the orchard for the sake of getting bombarded by press, fans, and enemies alike. Liara and Cortez managed to sneak a shuttle down to pick them both up and transport them to a cabin in the middle of nowhere Wyoming of all places. At least the place had electricity, but it was about as close to ‘hoofing it’ as they could get.

“You two stay out of trouble, you hear?” was Steve’s comment as Liara plopped a pair of luggage bags at their feet. “The Admiral will be in contact with you both in the morning.”

John rolled his eyes even as his husband snatched both bags from the ground. “Trouble tends to find me first, Steve.”

Liara hopped back onto the shuttle with a gentle laugh, “Why do you think Hackett put you out here in the first place?” The hatch then closed before the shuttle spun around in the air took off towards the east.

“I’ll… go take these into the bedroom.” Kaidan began to say as he moved for the front door. He paused, however, as he caught the sight of John simply staring off at the horizon. “What is it?”

The Commander’s lips shifted into a vague grin as glanced back over his shoulder. “This. Being somewhere where neither of us has to worry about Saren, the geth, the Collectors, Cerberus, the Reapers… all of it.” He shrugged before turning around. “Just not used to it, I guess.”

While Kaidan had a 3 month head start on that sort of feeling, he could completely understand where his lover was coming from. “Come on, John. Let’s make the most of it from inside the cabin, eh?”

“Sounds like a plan.” He was able to move around on his own, albeit very slowly as his body was still not completely healed but it was nice to no longer be stuck in bed no matter how comfortable it was.

The cabin was quite extravagant for now remote it was. In fact it made Anderson’s apartment on the Citadel look cheap in comparison. Hackett refused to mention how he even knew about the place, but both men had their suspicions.

Kaidan dropped off the bags in the downstairs bedroom as John shuffled through the living area and the kitchen. He checked the cupboards and the refrigerator to make sure they had enough food for the next few days before he heard his husband exclaim a rather loud “holy shit” from the direction of the back porch.

“There had better not be a dead Reaper back there or I swear I’ll…” the younger man joked as he followed Kaidan’s voice but then paused as well at what he caught sight of through the doorway.

And there is was. A luxurious below ground hot tub nestled within the wooden back patio.

Immediately the Commander’s eyes lit up as lips shifted into a mischievous smile. “Well that makes things a whole lot more interesting.”

The Major’s hand reached to his husband’s shoulder with his own face looking concerned. “Dr. Chakwas said to not strain yourself too much, John. You’re still recovering.”

That hand was then grasped by one of Shepard’s as he brought it up to his lips. “And I think as part of the healing process I’m allowed to be intimate with my own husband. Don’t you?”

Even after John had finally woken up at the orchard, Kaidan had been extremely careful to not have either one of them… exposed. They’d both worn sweats to bed and showered separately out of respect for Kaidan’s parents. That didn’t leave much chance for the pair to even see each other naked or enjoy anything other than a few quick kisses.

The biotic huffed a small laugh as he still just couldn’t resist the younger man’s charm. “What is it with you and hot tubs anyway?”

An arm then lazily snaked around the older man’s waist, tugging him just a few steps closer. “You don’t see it as a huge turn on?”

The Major certainly didn’t resist the tug, though the concern in his features didn’t diminish. “I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. It’s just that your muscles are still weak and….”

“Just get your sexy ass naked, Kaid.”

Kaidan smirked and shook his head as both arms then draped on top of John’s shoulders, “Oh alright, Romeo. But…” he then pulled in close and whispered huskily into the Commander’s ear. “That means you have to get naked too, ya know?”

John’s eyes closed for a brief moment before fingers rose up to begin the slow, tantalizing task of undoing each button along his own shirt. “If you insist…” 

The Major eventually pulled himself away just long enough to draw the sweater he was wearing over his head and toss it aside. Brown eyes then watched in anticipation for each bit of skin to become exposed. His lover had lost a little bit of his weight, but the muscles were still well defined. There were also a few new scars along his torso to which Kaidan had grown accustomed to with the past few months of bedside care. Regardless of Shepard’s present physical condition, he was still as handsome as ever.

Only when John’s shirt had fully been discarded did both sets of hands reach across with fingers roaming across each crevice of skin to once again savor such enticing sensations that had been denied from the both of them for so long. Lips soon collided with a series of soft moans and struggled breaths following each kiss.

Kaidan’s hands were the first to glide teasingly along his lover’s abdomen only to eventually pull the buckle of John’s belt. A pesky button and zipper soon followed before rough fingers drifted beyond the loosened fabric and found his husband’s length already quite hard between his legs.

Shepard gasped loudly as his whole body shuttered at the touch before whispering, “I need you, Kaidan…”

“Then take me…” was the older man’s murmured reply as belt, jeans and briefs were all dragged downward at an agonizing pace. Feathery kisses followed each tiny bit of uncovered flesh until each piece of cotton finally reached John’s ankles. Only then did he stand back up and reach down to undo the top button to his own pair of slacks with a smile. “Just don’t overexert yourself, okay? The Doc will kill me if she finds out about this.”

John simply sat down in a nearby chair to kick off his remaining clothing as he watched his lover undress with hooded eyes. By the sly grin now planted on his face he obviously wasn’t in the mood to care one lick about what Dr. Chakwas thought. He inhaled a sharp breath when Kaidan’s cock and balls were once more within his view. Absently his hips lurched upwards in response as slacks, briefs and footwear were all discarded off to the side.

The biotic softly chuckled before extending a hand towards his husband. “Come’re you…”

Their hands met as the Commander slowly stood back up and let himself be led along towards the tub. Kaidan stepped about halfway down first before reaching up to assist John’s own temperate movements into the bubbling water. The younger man soon sat down and sighed as the heat immediately felt so incredibly soothing to his sore muscles. The delicate sensation of Kaidan’s legs sliding on top of his stirred a deep purr within his chest.

“You alright so far?” the biotic asked as hands dropped down upon the other man’s shoulders.

John’s silent response was enough to tell the Major that everything was just fine. Two fingers rolled around the tight muscle of his ass before pushing upwards. A hiss of pleasure escaped Kaidan’s lips as his head rolled back and blunt fingernails dug in deep against flesh. The Commander lazily brushed his nose along the dusting of hair on his lover’s torso as his cock twitched in response.

Soon enough, the older man used his legs to scoot them both slightly forwards and then knelt down to glide himself onto his husband’s anticipating length. John’s hands immediately went to his lover’s hips and gritted his teeth hard as he felt the two of them once again become one. Kaidan then reached to grasp the side of the tub and began long, languid movements up and down.

A hand rose from the water to reach around behind Kaidan’s neck and pull his head until their lips met. John’s eyes closed tight and let forth a blended series of grunts and groans in-between each wanton lick and kiss the two men shared. Gentle whimpers and moans burst forth from Kaidan’s own mouth as he gradually increased the tempo of his hips.

John’s arms then wrapped tightly around as he rocked upwards to meet his husband’s hips. Every kiss and thrust became more intense than the last until finally he all but screamed and filled his lover’s tight warmth. Both of them rode through the younger man’s climax with stuttering breaths before a hand slid down and tugged all along the still throbbing erection in-between them until Kaidan’s own orgasm overtook him.

They remained sitting together for what felt like eons before finally the biotic forced himself up and then plopped back down in the water next to his husband. A wistful smile hit his face as an arm draped around his shoulders.

“So… totally worth it?” the Commander finally asked with the gentlest of laughs.

“Mmmm. We may have to invest in a hot tub when we finally get our own place,” Kaidan answered before turning his head just enough to kiss the side of his lover’s neck.

“I like the sound of that…” John offered with a playful grin. “For now, I think we should head back inside and work on some dinner. ”

"Sounds like a great idea," the Major agreed before breathing out a silent sigh. "I love you, John..."

"I love you too, Kaid. Always..."


	57. What We Deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During breakfast, Kaidan & John receive the call from Admiral Hackett with some surprising news.

John woke up the next morning with a somewhat painful groan as he stretched out his arms and legs. One hand then darted out hoping to catch the warm and familiar feeling of his husband nearby. Instead it found a cold pillow and the sheets tugged carefully to the side. He groaned and then ran the same hand through his messy hair a couple of times as he plopped back down and stared up at the ceiling.

He was safe. He was comfortable. Most important of all… he was with someone who loved him and whom he loved in return. He audibly chuckled at the thought of when he first laid eyes on Lieutenant Alenko sitting next to Joker on the bridge of SR-1. Perhaps he now felt a tinge of guilt that their attraction had not been mutual at the time, but the Commander had always been a bit dense when it came to intimacy.

Growing up with the 10th Street Reds, John had been more concerned about staying alive than anything else. He experienced so much hate as a teen that he barely even knew what kindness could be like. In fact it wasn’t until he joined his first squad right out of basic training that he experienced genuine friendship.

Love was a whole other matter entirely. Embarrassingly enough he didn’t even lose his virginity until he was 20. He and Corporal Anita Hernandez both had too much to drink and ended up stumbling into a closet in the barracks. It was quick, messy and the absolute worst way for it to be his first time. After they’d both sobered up, Hernandez warned him to never speak about it since fraternization protocols were very clear. After that it was maybe a small handful of one night stands with women during the few shore leaves they could manage but never anything that could resemble a real relationship.

After Akuze, however, John was more interested in solving his problems with booze rather than a warm body at his side. In fact, if Anderson hadn’t found him in that bar in Vancouver… he’d probably have died from alcohol poisoning instead of a Collector ship or a Citadel explosion.

He rolled out from underneath the thick blankets of the bed and stumbled across into the bathroom for a quick piss. Afterwards he paused in front of the mirror and glanced up and down at the array of scars on his torso and legs. The most pronounced one was the remnants of the shot he took from the turian reaper in front of the beam. It had gone all the way through and shattered his right shoulder blade in the process. It’s no wonder it felt like his entire arm was about to fall off as he struggled to hold on to that pistol.

The mental scars were always going to be worse. In fact John already knew he would have at least some form of PTSD for the rest of his life. As he’d once said to Garrus, there’s only so much death a person can handle before it starts to take its toll. Despite all the reassurance he’d received from his friends, his crew, and especially Kaidan… he would never be the same again.

Fingers ran across the growing hairs all along his chin as lips curled sideways. Just as he thought about finally getting all of that extra stubble under control he felt two strong arms slip around his waist from behind. The sight of his lover’s chin then propping up on his shoulder immediately brought a warm smile to his face.

“G’morning…” Kaidan murmured with a kiss soon hitting the side of his neck. “Thought I heard you wake up.”

John chuckled softly with his own hands rising up to brush across the tan ones now wrapped around his abdomen. “You didn’t wake me? I distinctly remember you pouting at me during a poker game because I let you sleep in.”

“Yes well you’ve also had a lot more sleepless nights than I have in the past few months. If there’s anyone who deserves to sleep in once in a while, it’s you.”

The Commander turned around until he was facing his husband and leaned forward to offer the other man a soft kiss. “When’s Hackett supposed to call so I know to be decent?”

“Mmmm,” the Major hummed in response to the kiss. “In about twenty minutes. And before you get any ideas, Romeo... your breakfast is getting cold.” He lazily pulled away from his lover with a playful grin and a quick smack on the ass. “Get dressed and meet me in the kitchen.”

Breakfast did sound like a great idea. His reaction to the smack was one of mock disgust. “Oh alright. Just give me a few.”

John arrived in the kitchen approximately 5 minutes later wearing a long-sleeved grey tee and a pair of dark jeans that were just a hair too big for him. He was still a few pounds underweight from being fed through an IV and the occasional soup for 3 months. If Kaidan kept spoiling him with all his cooking, however, he’d be back to his normal weight in no time.

Set out on the table were plates of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. As John glided himself down into a nearby chair, Kaidan placed a hot cup of coffee down in front of him. “I swear your mother has turned you into a housewife,” Shepard teased with fingers carefully grasping the mug.

The older man snorted once as he scooted over all the food plates within John’s reach. “Hardly. She can be much worse.” He then spun around to refill his own coffee mug. “I think it’s more that you’re not used to letting someone spoil you.”

“Maybe.” John casually shrugged with a piece of bacon between his fingers. “Growing up on the streets and then joining the military doesn’t leave a lot of room for pampering.” He then crunched a hearty piece of bacon before swallowing it down with a smile.

Kaidan’s own smile faltered at that. They hadn’t really spoken about John’s childhood beyond an offhanded comment now and then. He almost felt guilty to have a fairly normal youth compared to what the other man had to endure. Sure he got teased as a kid for being a biotic, but that’s nothing like being homeless in an already harsh environment. “Yeah…” he finally said. “Good point.”

The console propped up on the table soon beeped with the Admiral’s call. The Major’s brows perked up and reached a hand over punch the button to establish the connection.

John scooted his chair around so Hackett could speak to the both of them at once and even offered the older man a brisk salute once his grizzled face finally was in view. “Admiral.”

“At ease, gentleman,” Hackett offered with a nod on the screen. “I trust you both are enjoying the cabin so far?”

“Yes… thank you, Sir,” the two men replied in near unison.

Hackett softly chuckled. “Well considering you two weren’t allowed to have a proper honeymoon before, it’s the least I can do. Sorry that it’s not something more tropical but with the extranet going wild right now, we had move you somewhere more secluded for the time being.”

Kaidan turned his head to John with a small roll of his eyes. “That was his decision, Sir. Not mine.”

“Regardless whose decision it was, we have to wait for the buzz to die down first before either one of you can make any formal public appearances.” The Admiral then pulled out what appeared to be a couple of datapads on his end. “In the meanwhile, however, we have a few important topics to discuss that can’t wait.”

Both men quickly nodded and sat back, eagerly awaiting whatever news their superior officer needed to report.

“Alright well to start with…” Hackett began with a quick tap of each datapad. “I apologize for not using your now proper names but that can be difficult when speaking to both of you at the same time.” He lifted the first pad and scrolled through its contents. “Kaidan Alenko has been granted the rank of full Colonel, effective immediately. Your assignment, once everything settles, will be to take over as the new head of the Spec Ops Biotics Division. This is on top of your continued Spectre status. Congratulations Colonel.”

Kaidan immediately took in a sharp breath as his eyes went wide. After taking nearly ten years just to reach full Lieutenant, he was still quite flabbergasted at the sheer amount of praise he’d received in the past four. “I… thank you, Sir. I won’t let you down,” was all he could manage to say as a blush soon reached his cheeks.

John smiled warmly with a hand reaching over to grasp his husband’s. “Totally deserve it, Kaid. Congrats.”

“John Shepard.” Hackett interrupted as he was now scrolling through the second datapad. “For your exemplary display of courage, tactics, negotiation skills… and not to mention you saved all our asses from the Reapers, you’ve been granted the rank of Vice-Admiral, effective immediately.” He dropped the pad back down. “Considering your skills for bringing together just about every single civilization to save us all, I think commanding the Alliance fleet to assist with galaxy repairs should be relatively easy, don’t you?”

Now it was John’s turn to be completely shocked. He’d been expecting an honorable discharge after both his collaboration with Cerberus and the destruction of the Alpha relay. Blue eyes immediately flew back to the screen while growing as big as saucers. “Sir I… I’m honored.” He then felt Kaidan’s own hand squeeze in return.

“As far as your Spectre status, I formally asked the temporary Council to let you retire as a Spectre so you can focus more on your new Alliance duties. Ultimately though, that decision is between you and them.”

John had wondered how his Spectre status would stand after all this. He offered the Fleet Admiral a slow nod. “Thank you, Sir. I’ll think about it and get in touch with them.” Then another thought crossed his mind which resulted in a small frown. “Will… Kaidan’s new duties conflict with mine?”

Hackett grinned on the other end. “You mean to ask if you two will be sent on separate missions on a regular basis?” He then answered a quick shake of his head, “Not at the moment at least. The Biotics Division will be a huge asset in assisting the reconstruction efforts. I’m sure I can work out having them report to the Colonel with your ship as a base of operations.”

“As long as that ship is still the Normandy, I think we can work something out, Sir.” John grinned in return towards the screen. “Though I do have one other request, if I may.”

“John, you’ve earned the right to ask for just about anything you want… within reason that is. Let’s hear it.”

The new Vice-Admiral nodded once before he spoke, “I ask that Jeff Moreau, Greg Adams, Karin Chakwas, James Vega, Steve Cortez, Samantha Traynor, Kenneth Donnelly, and Gabrielle Daniels all receive commendations and promotions as well, Sir.”

The Admiral’s brows rose as it was apparently he was now just as surprised. “I’ll see what I can do, but I doubt any of those requests should be a problem. For now, however, enjoy the rest of your time at the cabin. I’ll be in touch soon. Hackett out.”

Once the screen went blank, both John and Kaidan looked over at each other with each man releasing a long breath.

“So…” Kaidan was the first to speak after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah it’s a lot to take in.” John agreed with a smirk which then quickly dropped. “First though… I think this calls for you and I to sit down and talk about a few things.”

The Colonel inclined his head curiously. “Mmmm. Well… breakfast first. Talk second. Agreed?”

Shepard chuckled with a small shake of his head. “You just want to watch me eat all this bacon, don’t you?”

“Hey I already had some, but if you want to share I certainly won’t decline the offer,” Kaidan retorted with a waggle of his thick brows.

That’s when John planted another sweet kiss upon his husband’s full lips. “Duly noted.”


	58. A Future Paved with Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan discuss their future together as fellow soldiers, Spectres, and more...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 more chapters to go after this and I'll finally let these two drift into space to handle the inevitable next stage in their relationship. Stay tuned!

The rest of breakfast went about as expected considering both men had just been told about their new duties and ranks only a few minutes prior.

The rest of the bacon was shared between the two, with a few strips meticulously fed to the other in a way that would make even the most adamant romance movie enthusiast feel nauseous.

When they were all done, John slowly got up to his feet reached to pull up each of the dirty plates. Kaidan began to protest until the younger man placed a finger to his lips. “You cooked. It’s only fair that I clean up.”

The Colonel sighed with both a small smile and nod as he instead grabbed his coffee cup and tipped it back for a long sip. Domestic tranquility like this was a shiny new experience for each of them. For nearly 4 years all they’d known was pain and suffering and loss just as Shepard mentioned before the final push to the beam. That same turmoil, however, had also gradually made them realize how much they needed each other.

Kaidan sat there with his chin resting comfortably inside his left palm while whiskey brown eyes watched his husband scrub each plate in the sink. The Savior of the Galaxy standing there washing dishes was most assuredly something that most people would never have a chance to witness, and that in itself made the older man feel both incredibly proud and perhaps a tad greedy. While they would have to return to the Normandy as both Alliance officers and Council Spectres soon enough, he was also looking forward to a time when they could retire and live out the rest of their days together as one of those sweet old couples everyone always knew.

They already had the comfortable silence thing figured out, as John patiently put the dishes away after drying each one without so much as a word. That didn’t stop his lover from occasionally sneaking a peak at his toned ass as he walked past. They both may be ‘old soldiers’ at this point, but Kaidan and John had plenty of time now to relish all the benefits their marriage had to offer.

The Vice-Admiral shut the cabinet door after the last plate was put away and then settled back into his chair. Hands slid together on the table as he offered his husband a gentle grin. “So… um… where should we start?”

Kaidan returned the grin as his chin remained perched within his hand for the moment. “How about your Spectre status?” he quipped.

“Oh… yeah.” That did seem like the most logical place to begin their conversation. “I can see where both keeping it and retiring would have their benefits. I mean you’ll still be active regardless.”

The biotic softly nodded against his palm. “I know. And it would be just one extra thing you’ll have to worry about.” A faint shrug. “I guess it all comes down to how much responsibility you want to handle. I’ll support you either way, John. You know that.”

Shepard inclined his head in a slow nod as his eyes dropped down to the table. “I guess… well my decision depends on a second topic we should discuss.”

“Mmmm?” Kaidan hummed curiously. “Which is…?”

“Kids.”

That one word caused the older man to immediately sit up straight with a hand reaching back to rub the back of his neck. “Oh… um… well… I thought considering our uh… Well it’s not like we can have them the normal way, ya know?”

The younger man smirked and shook his head. His heart fluttered whenever his husband became so flustered. “We can always adopt or find a surrogate, Kaid. I just wasn’t sure if you even wanted any.”

“Well… yeah. Eventually,” Kaidan answered as his hand fell back down to the table. “Granted when I first thought about kids it was involving a more… uh… traditional partnership?” He winced and quickly looked away. “Sorry…”

A hand reached across the table to lay atop the older man’s. “Hey… it’s okay.” John reassured with a soft whisper. “Not like I could have ever predicted this… us… either. Hell after Akuze, I thought I’d be stuck as one of those perpetually sad, lonely soldiers for the rest of my life.”

The Colonel’s other hand then rested top his husband’s as he gradually turned back around. “You know… I still remember the first time I saw you.”

“On the Normandy when Joker was complaining about Nilhus?”

Kaidan briskly shook his head. “No… a few years before. At this bar in Vancouver called the _Guilt & Company. _Jenkins dragged me there despite my better judgement. Said I needed to unwind a bit.” He snorted a soft chuckle and smiled. “Watching you body slam that one asshole onto the bar had me initially thinking you were another one of those lost marines who would never be able to see past your next bottle of booze.”

John’s brows lifted as he sat up straight. He nearly pulled his hand back if not for the two still holding it place. “Anderson invited me to join the N7 program that night. I nearly turned him down.” Lungs released a struggled breath as he closed his eyes. “I was there… when he died, you know. He said… you and I would make great parents. Considering he was the closest thing I had to a father…” A choked sob soon followed as he couldn’t bring himself to say anymore.

“He always struck me as a good judge of character,” the biotic murmured with his own hands softly squeezing his husband’s. “We’ll have to wait until after the reconstruction is finished but… I think raising kids is a wonderful idea.”

Blue eyes popped open as Shepard’s lips curled upwards into a warm smile. “Well then… maybe I’ll retire when we… get to that point?”

Kaidan offered a reassuring nod and a smile of his own. “Maybe we both will. We’ll see how it all works out, eh?”

John’s smile when waned just a touch as he then remembered the other topic he wanted to discuss. “Yeah…” He swallowed as his hand pulled away slowly. “The other thing I wanted to mention you may not want to hear. It’s… about Thane.”

While the Colonel did noticeably tense at hearing the drell’s name, he let John’s hand slip away from between his own without comment. “Go ahead…”

Calloused hands once again linked together in front of the Vice-Admiral as he carefully observed his lover’s reactions. “I saw him… spoke with him even. We were in some sort of in-between space. I don’t know. Said he’d been waiting there for some time when I showed up.”

Kaidan sat back as brown eyes slightly narrowed. “You mean… you died and saw him in a type of purgatory?”

Shoulders once again shrugged with an apologetic glance. “If you want to call it that, sure. We discussed your relationship with him…”

“John, I sincerely doubt…” Kaidan began with his demeanor growing all the more uneasy by the moment.

“He called you his ‘Siha’.” the younger man continued. “Didn’t explain what it means but I could tell he cared a lot about you.”

A breath caught in the biotic’s throat just as hands fell to rest within his lap. “It’s a term of endearment drell sometimes give to someone close to them. Means ‘tenacious warrior’.” Kaidan then sunk down in his chair with shoulders slumping forwards. “He first called me that when we…”

“Kaidan.” Shepard’s own expression remained gentle as he spoke. “Hey… It’s okay.” His form slid out of his seat and kneeled next to his husband with a hand then resting upon his knee. “I understand why you did it, alright? Nothing you should feel guilty about.”

“There’s you.” Kaidan couldn’t bring himself to turn his head. “We both knew how important you are to me… yet it happened anyway.” He frowned darkly as both hands curled into tight fists. “I… we shouldn’t have…”

John’s thumb rolled in a gentle circle against the older man’s knee. “But you did. You both did. From what Thane told me you gave him a few moments of happiness that he hadn’t felt since his wife was still alive. I mean that’s gotta count for som-“

“I still cared for Thane even when you and I got closer. I-I… thought about him. A lot.” Kaidan shifted his leg away from the other man’s grasp before standing up. “Shit…”

Shepard stood up as well, albeit a lot slower than his lover did and then stepped around so he was facing the other man. “Kaid? Look at me.”

The sheer remorse present on the Colonel’s face was enough to cause John’s eyes begin to tear up. A finger reached across and gingerly turned the older man’s chin towards him. “You… are the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. You’re both tender and strong in equal measure. That’s why I love you so damn much. It’s why Thane cared about you too.” His hands then came around to cup both cheeks. “But you can be a stubborn ass sometimes, you know that?”

The Colonel snorted a small laugh even as his own hands slipped up to wrap around John’s wrists. “You’ve had your own share of stubborn moments…”

A lopsided grin reached John’s features “Yeah I know.” He then leaned in until their foreheads lightly touched. “But you need to understand that Thane is the reason you were able to find me in all of that chaotic London rubble. He brought me back so that you and I could have… this. Us.” Arms dropped down only to wrap around his husband’s shoulders… pulling him in close. “I can’t lose you again, Kaidan. Please…”

Kaidan bit softly on his lower lip before arms slithered around his lover’s waist in return. Soon after he buried his face deep within the soft fabric of John’s shirt. He felt the younger man occasionally brush fingers reassuringly through thick curls of his hair as he sighed contently.

Both men had already endured so much, and with the mass relay reconstruction it could be a few more years before they’d be allowed to enjoy very many moments like this again. It was inevitable with the lives they’d chosen to lead.

It was still hard to imagine that without Saren, Cerberus, or the Reapers… John & Kaidan could very well not be where they were now. And galaxy be damned… nothing else was ever going to keep them apart if they had anything to say about it.


	59. A Spark of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Illium, Thane Krios conducts one last job with the expectation of not surviving the hit. Then he encounters a certain Commander who plans to change all that...

One last job.

That is what Thane had told himself when he accepted the contract to deal with Nassana Dantius. The client had chosen to remain anonymous, but he had his suspicions as the asari had a long list of enemies including her own sisters.

The main obstacle he had to overcome was reaching the penthouse without raising suspicion. Normally that would be an easy task. However, the woman had become so paranoid to surround herself with enough Mechs and hired Eclipse mercenaries that he would need to be extra cautious.

Tower Two had been sealed off to the point that even the salarian workers were forbidden to leave. A ruthless gesture that normally would elevate the drell’s anger if he weren’t already on a quest to kill the one responsible.

He paused behind a pillar, sizing up how he would be able to make it past the Mechs guarding the front door when a shuttle-car touched down on the landing pad behind him.

Three figures emerged from within a red sky-car. A turian, a salarian, and a human. The human nodded to the driver who turned out to be none other than Seryna. Thane had spoken with her as well to gain information on the towers.

“Don’t linger too long. They’ll be here to greet you soon enough,” the asari warned from the driver’s side of the car. “Good luck, Shepard.” She watched as the man lowered the door and then sped off the pad.

This… Shepard was covered from the neck down in combat armor with shades of grey and blue. Thane blinked both eyelids in astonishment when the man turned to show off an N7 emblem upon the right lapel. He’d heard of these special human operatives before, and to see one in person was quite a feat. This was not a soldier to trifle with under any circumstances.

Something must have caught their eye as soon enough all three of the visitors had stormed inside the building with guns blazing. The assassin’s full lips rose to a smirk while he sought to stay within the shadows while using this opportune moment to reach the elevator.

And yet a peculiar sight caused him pause…

Two salarian workers attempted to make a run for the exit with Loki and Fenris Mechs killing one and nearly killing the other if the assailants hadn’t intervened.

The surviving worker reached out to Shepard with a raspy voice… calling desperately for help.

These three could have easily just walked off and left this poor soul to die like the other. The fact that they did not piqued the drell’s interest.

“He's not gonna make it if we don't help him,” the turian observed as the solider knelt down.

“Here.” The human male spoke with soothing words while lifting his omni tool to assist. “That should ease the pain and keep you alive until help arrives.”

With much pain and effort, the worker made it back up to his feet. “I think I'm... better. Find the other workers. Help them,” he pleaded while gripping a wound at his side.

“Bleeding stopped. Condition stable,” the other salarian interjected as his own omni tool waved through the air to perform one more scan on the worker.

Shepard shook his head with a noticeable frown. “Why would Nassana kill her own workers?”

“To her we’re expendable but… I didn’t realize she was that ruthless…” The sheer pain in the salarian’s voice was enough to express just how barbaric this woman could be. “My friends… co-workers… slaughtered. They were jumping off ledges to escape the dogs…”

This was turning into quite an unexpected experience, but Thane had to remain focused. While the trio finished their conversation, he slipped past the first door and up to the ledges to avoid a hefty amount of Mechs on the rest of the floor.

Eventually the drell came upon a small group of Eclipse mercenaries huddled in a nearby room. He jumped down and immediately took down two of them before needing to duck behind a door. A hand quietly slipped in a new thermal clip as he overheard the last two mercs converse.

“Hey. Think he went in here…” said the first.

“Well, go get him,” the female human barked in return.

“No way. You go.”

“Get your ass in there! Nassana's not paying you to stand around.”

The male mercenary grumbled as he pulled a rifle from behind his back “Fine... but I...” Unfortunately the rest of his words were cut short as Thane scooped up behind him and snapped his neck in an instant. The other merc shared a similar fate as he spun around and pressed his pistol directly against her chest... firing one very precise shot.

He exhaled a shallow breath as he heard more salarian workers down the hall. “No! Wait! Don’t hurt us!” one of them shouted before he was slapped by the side of a rifle.

Thane’s left hand curled tightly into a fist before he decided to spring into action. The least he could do was save a few innocent lives before the night was finished…

\----------------------------

Nassana was pacing anxiously back and forth with 3 Eclipse bodyguards surrounding her when Shepard and his two companions walked casually into her office. Each of the mercs raised their guns in anticipation until the asari lifted a hand “Wait…” she instructed with her eyes going narrow. “Before you kill me, just tell me who hired you.”

The turian and salarian both drew their weapons without a word as Shepard replied with a smirk. “Who do you think it was?”

Dantius was less than impressed with that answer. “Screw you…”

As this banter occurred down below, the assassin managed to stealth his way along through the ducts. He was already impressed that these three had beat him here, if only by a couple of minutes. He paused above the two human male Eclipse… waiting patiently for the chance to catch them both off guard.

“Charming as ever, Nassana…” The soldier quipped with the smirk still on his face.

These two already knew each other. Intriguing.

The business woman snorted, “Kill me, then.” She waved a hand dismissively and turned with her back soon facing the man. Not the wisest of decisions… even with 3 armed bodyguards. “I'm not playing your stupid games.”

“You really think I'm here to kill you?” John asked with a slight roll of his eyes.

Dantius gradually spun back around with a deep frown, “Do you have any other reason for destroying my tower? Decimating my security?”

The Commander shook his head and crossed his arms atop his chest. “I'm just looking for someone…”

Someone? Surely they weren’t there looking for him. Thane’s dark eyes shifted between the pair as he perched right above one of the guards.

“You expect me to believe that?” the asari asked as she drifted at a leisurely pace back to her desk. “Is it credits? Is that what you want? Just tell me your price. We can make this problem go away.”

Damn. Her movement now made his plan a tad more difficult. The drell decided instead to shift tactics and target the other human merc instead…

Shepard’s eyes rose as he seemed to hear movement coming from the ceiling. That sly smirk was once again on his lips as he snarked, “All the credits in the world won't make this problem go away, Nassana…”

They continued to banter back and forth until the assassin seized the opportunity to take out all four targets. He descended to the floor behind the first human merc, snapping his neck with one swift motion. The second barely had time to react before he punched the man square in the throat. The asari merc was quicker, but not quick enough to escape the blast from Thane’s pistol with one shot to the chest. Finally he let go of the gun just long enough to spin around then grasp it one more… pressing it directly against Nassana’s stomach.

One shot is all it took before he carefully laid her down atop her desk and folded both of her hands upon the wound. Oddly, his gestures were as gentle as if he'd placed a newborn babe inside its crib.

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

The trio at the door all looked quite impressed with Thane’s aptitude. The salarian in particular murmured something akin to, “Know now to keep eyes open while sleeping.”

The turian on the other hand had a much more audible response. “You certainly know how to make an entrance…”

The drell simply stepped back and tugged his hands up in silent prayer… for now.

Shepard blinked a few times at the assassin’s choice of action before finally taking a couple of steps forward. “I was hoping to talk with you…”

“I apologize…” came a thick voice as dark eyes slowly glanced up. “Prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken.”

The Commander nodded his head towards the asari lying dead atop her desk. “Do you really think she deserves it?”

“Not for her. For me.” Thane responded with a stern look. “The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone,” he continued while settling the pistol in his grasp upon his hip. “Take you for instance. All this destruction... chaos…”

John’s own expression drew into a frown as he watched the drell step closer.

The assassin’s movements were fluid like water as he appeared to glide around the desk. “I became… curious. I wanted to see how far you'd go to find me.” His own lips then mimicked the smirk Shepard had expressed only a few moments before. “Well... here I am.”

Soft blue eyes squinted just a touch. “I do want to talk to you... but how did you know I was here?”

Please. Subtlety was not one of this man’s stronger virtues as proven by the sheer amount of bodies and broken Mechs left behind on the way up here.

“Gunfire and explosions…” Thane replied plainly as he stepped around the soldier. “I prefer to work quietly. If I have to fight through guards, I've made a mistake.” He paused directly in front of Mordin’s pistol as if silently coaxing the salarian to shoot him point blank. “I rarely make mistakes.”

He apparently chose wisely as Solus made no attempt to shoot. Hands drifted behind the assassin’s back as he took a brief glance over his shoulder. “You disrupted my plan, but your distraction eventually proved… valuable.”

“Let's cut to the chase. I need you for a mission.”

“Indeed?”

Once again John’s arms found their way across his chest. “You're familiar with the Collectors?”

Thane turned and now moved back across the floor as he murmured, “By reputation…”

“They're abducting entire human colonies,” Shepard continued. “Freedom's Progress was their handiwork.”

Thane’s eyes were facing the window at this point as he answered with a simple, “I see…”

He heard the solider take another step forward. “We’re going after them.”

The determination in the man’s voice had the drell curious. He turned at the waist with a raised brow. “Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega 4 relay. No ship has ever returned from doing so.”

And then the smirk returned. “They told me it was impossible to get to Ilos, too.”

Ilos? Ah so this was Commander Shepard. The Alliance soldier and Spectre who defeated Saren a few years prior. Rumors also said the man was dead… and yet here he was. That had Thane utterly captivated to hear more.

“A fair point,” he acknowledged with a breezy chuckle. “You've built your career on performing the impossible.” Another struggled breath as he watched Shepard wander up beside him. “This was to be my last job. I’m dying…” he admitted as both sets of eyelids closed for an instant. “Low survival odds don't concern me. The abduction of your colonists does.”

“Wait. You're dying? I hadn't heard that. Is there anything I can do?”

The concern in the man’s voice caused Thane’s lips to rise a tinge into a smile. “Giving me this opportunity is enough.” His head fell forwards with a small sigh. “The universe is a dark place. I'm trying to make it just a little bit brighter before I die. Many innocents died today because I wasn't fast enough. I must… atone for that.” He finally turned and extended his hand to the Commander. “I will work for you Shepard. No charge.”

“Glad to hear it, Thane.” John smiled warmly as he grasped the assassin’s scaled hand in return. “Nice to have you on the team.”

Team. A word the drell had not associated himself with in a very long time.

Judging by what Shepard had accomplished already, he knew their journey would be an extraordinary one.

Thane could only hope he’d be able to see it through to its conclusion before Kalahira arrived to guide him across the sea…

\----------------------------


	60. As Astra per Aspera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Vice-Admiral and Colonel return to the Normandy to prepare for new adventures amongst the stars...

The elevator ride up to Deck 1 was quiet with John’s expression perhaps anxious to see how the Captain’s Cabin had fared in his months of absence. Once the door swished open, all his doubts washed away as he walked in and saw the familiar comforts of this room once again floor his senses.

All of his models were still on full display above the desk. The fish were still alive and swimming in the newly repaired wall tank. The chess board Aria had given him after their adventures on Omega was still there. Most importantly, the double bed with its semi-hard mattress had been made with fresh sheets and covers.

Kaidan’s own eyes scanned the room as he set his duffel down by the bed. “Well… seems like they kept everything just as it was.”

John’s own bag plopped down on the other side of the bed with a wince. His right shoulder was still somewhat sore and probably would be for a while to come. “Yeah…” he agreed as he absently rolled his right arm to work out some stiffness. “But it was always missing something very important.”

“Mmmm?” the Colonel questioned with a small smile. “What’s that?”

Shepard stepped around the bed and lifted a hand to brush his knuckles across the stubble of his lover’s jaw. “An amazing man to share it with.”

Kaidan huffed a small laugh even as he leaned into the touch. “I promise I’m easier to feed than the fish. And from what Sam told me, Jack's already claimed the Observation Lounge so I can’t just hide in there anymore.”

It had already come as a surprise to John that Jack had been selected as an instructor for Grissom Academy’s biotic students, but after the Reapers were defeated her contributions to the aftermath had become more crucial than ever. She was now Kaidan’s XO in the Biotics Division; a position bound to cause some initial tension due to their differences in personality. He had no doubts that the calming aura of the Observation Lounge would at the very least help curb some of the woman’s more… brash impulses for the duration of the mission.

“Well it’s better than where she used to hang out.” The Vice-Admiral’s lips then skewed for the briefest of moments as he thought of that dark, cramp space below engineering. “That reminds me that I should make the rounds and check how everyone is doing.” He leaned in to place a quick kiss to his husband’s lips. “Meet you back here later?”

\----------------------------

Shepard’s willingness to talk with his crew was a trait that everyone had grown accustomed to. In fact, most of them came to enjoy the conversations as they eventually coerced everyone to communicate more with each other as well.

While John had scanned through the personnel datapad Hackett had given him, he still preferred to speak with each member of the crew individually.

Through his initial tour through the ship he learned quite a bit of ship’s gossip.

Engineer Adams and Dr. Chakwas were now engaged. Considering Karin had always appeared a bit lonely amongst the crew

Tali had once again returned to the quarian flotilla to assist both Admiral Raan and the geth in efforts to get both fleets back to Rannoch.

Vega had been given command of his own ground unit back on Earth but Cortez had decided to remain on the Normandy. They would try and maintain a long-distance relationship for now, which would be tough but John wished them both the best.

Liara and Samantha had unfortunately split up after only a couple of months due to the former’s increasing efforts to assist the asari and still maintain her work as the Shadow Broker. Their interactions on the ship since the breakup had been… awkward to say the least.

Javik and Garrus had surprisingly become really good friends. They’d often be seen chatting together in the Lounge, sharing tales of past experiences that only two old soldiers could appreciate.

Joker’s usual snarky attitude had toned down significantly since the war ended. While all of his experiences aboard the Normandy had certainly changed his overall outlook over time, it was the news of what really happened to his sister on Tiptree that devastated him the most. It was only due to his relationship with EDI that he’d been able to remain focused.

Perhaps the most amusing tidbit of all was that Kenneth and Gabby had maintained a rather… healthy relationship ever since John had caught the two of them. In fact their trysts had become so infamous amongst the rest of the crew that a new betting pool had surfaced in regards to where and when their next encounter would take place.

After making the rounds, John couldn’t help but pause in front of the memorial wall on Deck 3.

All the names present on that wall were crew members he’d also taken the time to know. Each one of them was a dear friend they’d all lost over the course of this journey. Each one of them had gifted him with such beautiful conversations. Their silence now was perhaps the greatest tragedy in all of this.

Fingertips rose to brush lightly across a few select names.

RICHARD L JENKINS

LEGION

CHARLES PRESSLY

MORDIN SOLUS

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

THANE KRIOS

His lungs filled with air and held onto it for perhaps a little too long as he stepped back. Blue eyes took in the entire wall before he came to the realization that one important name was still missing…

\----------------------------

\----------------------------

The entire crew had gathered to watch in silence as the Vice-Admiral stepped forward and placed one more plaque on the memorial wall.

ADM DAVID ANDERSON

John carefully turned to face the other as hands fell behind his back. “David Edward Anderson was a trailblazer in many ways. The first N7 marine. The first Captain of the Normandy. The first human Councilor. Heck he was nearly the first human Spectre as well.” He sighed and smiles faintly. “Despite all of his accomplishments, he never once let any of that go to his head.

“While some of us knew him better than others, there were a few traits that we all could associate with him. Courage. Honor. Determination. Heart.” Shepard’s eyes glanced up towards the ceiling. “He motioned once that he joined the military because of a dog who would always bark at him when he was a kid. One day he finally barked back and the dog never bothered him after that. ‘Sometimes, you just gotta howl to make things right,’ he said.” Eyes then fell back upon his comrades. “I think just about all of us can relate to that sentiment.”

Tears then formed within Shepard’s eyes as his chest tightened. “Anderson found me after Akuze… trying to drink myself to death in a Vancouver bar. Asked me to join the N7 program so that I could have a fresh start.” He paused long enough to offer glances to Joker, Chakwas, Adams, Garrus, and finally Kaidan, “To this day I wonder how everything would have gone if he hadn’t given me command of the SR-1. I do know that his decision set forth an array of events that brought us all closer together as comrades and more. He gave us all a wonderful gift, whether he realized it or not. I, for one, will always be remember him as a good man, a hell of a soldier, and… the father I never knew I needed.”

A hand reached out to Liara who then presented him with a second plaque to place underneath Anderson’s name.

AD ASTRA PER ASPERA

Through hardships to the stars

“Goodbye, Sir…” John whispered just before he backed away and the entire assembly shared another long moment of silence.

\----------------------------

Once Kaidan and John reached the Captain’s cabin once more, the former paused once the door swished closed. “Hey… you gonna be okay?”

The younger man let out a breath as he stepped over to his desk and reached to pull open the top drawer. Rough fingers slowly withdrew a black picture frame with gentle blue eyes glancing down. “I’m surprised this is still here,” he said with a soft chuckle.

Amber brown eyes followed the frame’s motion before he moved in closer and peeked down at a photo… of himself. It was missing a few new wrinkles and grey hairs, of course, but he couldn’t help but smile when he finally saw it. “Garrus mentioned you had this.”

“EDI gave this to me shortly after Horizon. I think in her own way she was trying to be supportive after what happened.” John then held it out for his husband to take if he so wished. “If I wasn’t keeping myself busy with one of the models or reading I’d… just sit and look at this.”

"I understand." The biotic slowly took the picture from his lover’s grasp and then placed it face down on the desk. “I'm here for you, John.” He then reached over to interlink the fingers of his left hand within Shepard’s “Always.”

The Vice-Admiral answered his husband’s endearing words with a passionate kiss that immediately brought forth an intense heat within Kaidan’s chest. The pair haphazardly staggered down the steps toward the bed with the kisses only pausing long enough so that needy hands could tug away each piece of cumbersome clothing and reveal the warm flesh underneath.

It wasn’t long before Shepard felt his lover smoothly glide inside of him, causing his head to roll back with a loud moan. Blunt nails ran down along Kaidan’s back as the older man rocked his hips… causing such intense pleasure that either man could scarcely breathe. Arms clung tightly as brown and blue eyes remained focused on each other.

John came first with arms and legs both wrapping tightly around his husband’s muscular form and his seed spilling forth between their sweat soaked bodies. It wasn’t long after that the biotic surrounded the both of them in shimmering blue light and a loud groan as he filled his lover’s depths.

It took more than a few moments for both their breathing and heartbeats to return to a more comfortable state. The Colonel slipped away with a fleeting kiss while reaching over for a towel left on the side table to clean them both.

As Kaidan turned to toss the towel away, John’s fingers rose to brush down along the long scar upon the other’s man’s right side. “I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned how you got this,” he murmured with a tired smile.

The biotic shivered at the touch, suddenly remembering the gentle sensations of Thane’s own finger lazily dragging along it months before. His gaze traveled to the floor where his dogtags still carried the little cricket pendant the assassin had gifted to him when they last spoke. While humans did not share the drell's ability to recall memories, Kaidan would never forget everything Thane had done for him.

He looked back over his shoulder and smiled in return. “I’ll tell you about it later, baby.” He then rolled around while tugging the sheets up over them both. “For now we should get some sleep.” his head eventually fell to rest on John’s shoulder as his eyes closed. "Love you..." 

The younger man’s fingertips rose to brush a few loose curls away from his lover’s forehead and as he softly whispered, “I love you, too…”

\----------------------------

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this to its conclusion! I may do a few one shots later with these characters, but I felt this was a good place to end the overall story.


End file.
